Dear myself,
Hearing from him the words, "You are my priority!" made me feel loved and special. I feel like he truly value me as what I was.
Speaking of how he told me about his feeling was something unbelievable and how he managed to tell me frankly that I was his priority. And speaking about love towards someone requires a deep knowledge of what love is and the true essence of it. However, there some circumstances may come that even though you are free from the past, the wall you built was strong enough that overpowers everything.
I know that love is incredible that it is hard to interpret. It is simpler to tell how it acts. Sometimes the love we know mislead us and we thought it was right but it is not.
Is it true love or just a fantasy?
Is it just a feeling or more than a word?
Because I've been bombarded with fairy-tale definitions and unrealistic interpretations since I was a child, and I can't seem to get away from them. As time passed, I grew aware of the various types of love, and I find it heart-breaking that no matter how hard I tried, it became a part of my memories.
I realized that having a crush was an amorphous sensation. I felt sick to my stomach, but I loved it. It made me squirm, but I enjoy it. Despite my protests, I was completely smitten.
Unfortunately, it was not permanent. Nothing is stable in this world aside from change. For instance, admiring someone was like admiring a beautiful flower but as days goes by, it instantly faded.
I even experienced daydreaming about someone I could be for the rest of my remaining time someday that made me crazy in a good way and overthink every little thing he did for me. I even write a poem and included his name in a so-called game about name matching. My friend and I called it flames and hope before. I will match my whole name with his and played with the letters and whatever the count numbers remain will define according to the letters it ends in the words flames and hope.
Aside from that, I did some sort of crazy stuff for him to notice me which I thought I would never do. But the thing here was, by opening up my heart to possibilities, he brings out the best in me.
It's funny to think that before I can't understand why do they always say that 'First love never dies!" I, even, laugh at it and drop a joke that my first love was still alive, still kicking, safe and sound so of course, he never die. So, I was thinking literally until I came to know that first love never dies figuratively.
I'm not sure if this saying signifies that first love was the one who opened and lit up someone's heart to love. Someone explained why falling again and over was so exciting. That person gave me hope that I could keep striving and fighting for love to the very end. That someone, my first love, taught me about chasing good things, but he's the love that damaged me the most.
I experienced before that my first love happens to be my great love. But like what I've said, not everything I want to be turned into what I want to be. It didn't work out. The great love, honestly, I felt assured and reminded me that I was not going to be alone and I was always loved. Needless to say, I used to say that the loved I'm giving and receiving was the one I deserved. The perfect place and the perfect time was real but those seemed to be perfect gone in an instant. It was something of great value but I can't have it.
It's not a secret that I've been in a relationship but it failed.
It shattered and weakened me, but it also taught me how to put myself back together again on my own. It hurt me more than a thousand knives piercing my heart, yet it showed me which roads to choose next time. It ruined me, but I knew it taught me to love myself more so I wouldn't make the same mistake again. The reason why my world downward was the last thing I could ever imagine.
This time when I heard how Vener felt towards me, I suddenly felt different emotions. I admit that my fears overpower me.
Honestly speaking, I was frightened of being cheated because I knew how it felt to be alone and lonely, to cry, and to feel like no matter what I did, I wasn't good enough. Everything was familiar to me. Because I've been there, I know how it feels. I've been there before, emotionally suffocating. Most importantly, I was worried that if I accepted him, he would do the same.
Yeah, I knew that I shouldn't generalized but I can't blame myself. I knew that love is accompanied by taking risks but this time, I want to choose what I think is the best. Is it bad to dream that when I was fully ready, real love will come? The love that will give me happiness?
Although, nothing is stable in this world, is aiming for true love that make the most of my existence is bad?
Hurting,
Ms A
Ayesha Point of View
"Are you okay? It seems you are not in a good state. You've been staring at your journal notebook for many hours. What is the real problem?" Ron problematically said and she was more stressed than I was. She came from the kitchen cooking our food and still wearing her yellow apron but this time, she was no longer holding a ladle just like a typical mother.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I respond to stop her from checking me from time to time as I close my journal notebook and put it in my bag.
"You can fool others but not me, Ayesha," she remarked looking seriously.
"Then, why did you asked if you already know?" I got up from sitting to face her and took the pen placed on the study table and promptly threw it at him.
"Not that one," she begged. "Don't throw that to me. You didn't own that pen, you just borrowed it from me because you ran out of ink."
I returned the pen to the study table because I also regretted that it would no longer be usable and would be replaced with new refill ink. "Don't state the obvious."
I saw Ron sighed in a relief that gave rise to me to chuckled a little bit. She raised her eyebrows. "Enough, let's eat," she paused. "Young lady?"
"Don't let me eat. As if you can cook delicious food. Don't ask me if you don't want to," I jokingly said.
"Oh, should I feel ashamed? Coming from you?" she rebutted. After a few seconds, we both laughed with our banters because we knew that the two of us doesn't have the skill in cooking. We are both frustrated chefs.
We eat the food peacefully and I did washing the dishes afterwards while Ron went to the couch to watch movies.
After I'm done washing, I joined her in watching a Korean drama entitled Law School. We both drowned with the story that we don't notice the time because it was the episode were to reveal the true culprit. The scenes were intense and sad to say that it was suddenly replaced with frustration when Ron paused the drama. I tried to get to her the remote control but she was stronger than me and I didn't manage to get it from her.
"Ron," I warned her.
"Are you done with your research paper?" she asked diverting my attention.
"Not yet but I'm in the last chapter," I proudly said. She looked at me suspiciously with her playful smile.
"Now, I know the reason." She click the play button and we continued watching. "Ayesha," she called my attention. "I was not in the position to say this because I do not know the whole story and your reason but this time, try to hear your heart but always safeguard it."