Dear myself,
I immediately entered the coffee shop. 8 in the morning is the time were going to meet but I woke up late. Concealer and a little bit of powder were applied to cover my eye bags because of lack of sleep.
I felt conscious to myself if I look presentable.
I roamed my eyes around the coffee shop and I saw him in the left corner. I went straight to his spot. I made myself gentle as I smiled. He just nodded and let me sit in front of him.
"I'm sorry. I was late," I shyly uttered.
"Oh, it's okay. It just that I came early. You on time," he said. "What is your order, by the way."
"Don't bother yourself," I answered.
I heaved a sigh. Nervousness overflowed in my nerves. I don't know how to be calm and act natural. Maybe I felt like this because this was the first moment I talked to him personally after that day. Maybe I was just overthinking.
"Oh, it's fine."
A moment of silence filled between us. I don't know how to start a conversation. I have so many questions in my mind but I can't utter a single word or phrases. Those questions were covered with overthinking and unnecessary thoughts.
"How are you?" he asked that broke the silence.
"I'm perfectly fine," I smiled. But in reality, I'm trying myself to be fine. I don't want to be stuck in the past. "If you realized that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. There's nothing you can not achieve" as Lao-Tzu quoted. I want to let go.
"How about you?" I asked him back.
"I'm good." Even if he won't say it, action speaks it all. Even if year's had passed, I can sense it. I still remembered those days that I decided not to block him on social media. Those posts and tags photos shared link and status shows it all. It brought me pain but I didn't cut all the possible communication. Not that I was hoping that he will come back or I was hoping that all things will be staying there is but I want to let go and move on that way. Time heals all wounds. In that way, I learn to love the sound of my feet walking away from things that are not meant for me.
"Sorry," he suddenly said. I can through his eyes that he's sincere in asking for an apology. One word was the only key that I was longing for. One word that will end this feeling.
I tried to calm my composure. "For what?"
"For being a jerk." I was shocked by his choice of words but I concealed it. He sounded serious. "I'm sorry for what I did to you before. I regret it. I was a jerk that I hurt without explaining. I left you hanging."
"Why you did it?" I said trying to hold back my tears.
"All my confessions and what I said back then was all true. When we were in high school, I do love you. I hide it the best I could but when we are in the middle year of college though we were studying in a different university, I tried my luck and that to pursue you even if I was already in a relationship. I knew that no explanation can be made my mistake valid." He then looked away but trying to tell his side. " I was happy that you also like me. I didn't expect that. Then my girlfriend found out. She was very furious about it."
"Why? Why didn't you tell me? Why did you fool me? That girl went into my friend's house and quarrelled me, of all places. She even called me a fame whore. It was my first time putting on me that name. Did I look like that? Did I look like a call girl asking for sex? I didn't even glance or give a single move just to hit on you, right? I even called you but you blocked my number. I chatted with you, but no response. Seen? Yeah, I was so clueless and yet I became the antagonist to your story. Damn you!" I said. Those tears that I hold back flowed endlessly. I don't care if someone sees me so miserable.
"No," he retorted. "I'm sorry for what she did. We already in separate ways. I even tried to talk to you but the conversation you had that I read on her phone hurt me. So, I decided not to talk to you."
Words seem like a sword that can kill me. I expect this kind of pain. I thought I was immune. I was wronged.
"Our happy memories in our childhood vanished when you pursue me even if you're in a relationship. I admit that I did a mistake but I tried to save our friendship as much as I can. That's the only thing I can do but you didn't make a single action." I mumbled. He held his head down. "Tell me, Renz."
"I know, I was wronged. Nevertheless, years had passed, I realized how painful on your part. I was selfish. I was blinded by my selfishness. Pursuing you and yet I was in a relationship is the worst thing I did in my life. To think that I did it to my friend," he retorted. "I love you but I did it in the wrong way. Turning the tables wouldn't change the fact that I am a jerk."
His expression on his face was mixed with guilt and anxiousness. I can't bear to look at it.
"Until one day, I met a girl who made me realized what I did. To ask forgiveness and make things clear out." He added. As I said, I'm willing to accept any explanation because time will come, our friendship will change and some happy memories will be forgotten.
"But it was in the past. I'm thankful. Thank you for the broken heart. Thank you for being a friend, you always be my special friend, remember that." I assured him with a smile.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" I sighed. "Lifelike that."
"I still hurt you."
I gave him a reassuring smile. A smile that I already accept. My eyes are still swollen but I can say that it was a tear of joy, as well.
I took one glance at him before I say goodbye. One glance to end this feeling and to move forward.
A Glance of his, huh?
Break off,
Ms A