Dear myself,
Today is another day. Today is another gift of God for me to carry on and continue my journey.
I admit that felt a bit lazy to get back to work and all I wanted to do was to watch K Drama the whole day.
I admit I can't hold back myself from pain if I will accidentally see again that damn guy just like yesterday. It seems like I want to lay my filthy hands on his neck to strangle him.
But of course, I can't do that yet. I can't because I don't have money to pay for the damage or went to jail.
I still need to work for my daily needs. I still need to be productive to prove my self-worth.
I still need to finish a lot of work -- preparing for reports, doing instructional materials, dealing with the diversity of students and so on.
I was too tired so I didn't have the strength to complain.
I didn't feel like complaining or doing some sort of SONA.
There are days when I needed to find the enthusiasm to work (even if I'm so passionate about my work or maybe I'm not passionate enough).
There are moments (like the one in the roof deck) when I feel so tired and down and all I can do is cry because of insecurities, pains and doubts silently.
I remembered the guy I was talking to the other day. He made me feel that I need to love myself endlessly. He made me realized one thing.
He said, "It's perfectly acceptable to be vulnerable. It's perfectly okay to sob openly. It's quite okay to yell. It's quite acceptable to experience all of your feelings. It's not necessary to be perfect all the time. You don't have to always attempt to be strong. But make a promise to yourself that despite the dusk, the Sun will rise tomorrow."
I searched my phone to read my messages and composed my replies. I got up from bed and decided to go to work since I have less than an hour to prepare myself. I did my routine in rush and I'm thankful that I was on time.
"Good morning. Ma'am Ayesha, here's all the output and reports in our section," Angie said politely, one of my students.
"Just put there in the first shelves. Thank you. Kindly tell the other section that I'll be late, I need to attend first the meeting. Tell them to continue doing their term paper," I instructed.
"Noted ma'am," she said and bid a goodbye then I went alone to the principal office to attend the meeting since my colleague went first.
I suddenly saw a familiar figure while on my way. I heard him calling my name but I didn't bother myself entertaining another problem. I walked like no one calling my name. I arrived on time and the meeting was about to start. Mr Del Gado, our school principal, conveyed his opening speech in which I can't understand though I want to. There was a new staff and he introduced himself. The taught of being present in the meeting but my mind was roaming around, simply mentally absent. It was just that I was preoccupied with something else that made my heart so heavy.
I know that we oftentimes shun off our uncomfortable, painful emotions -- to others and ourselves and repressing our feelings... until we can no longer hold them and we burst. That can be harmful. I was afraid when that time may come.
I attended my classes but not like these past few days how energetic I was.
"Ma'am Ayesha, are you okay?" Jerry asked me with a concerned voice.
"Yeah, I was tired," I simply answered but I knew myself that I was not okay.
"It's okay not to be okay, ma'am," Jerry said as his final statement.
As soon as my classes ended, I went straight to the office and arranged my things. When I got home, I was so hungry but I didn't have the appetite to eat. It's good that Rona was not around.
I just wanted to cry. I just want to shout. I don't care if someone sees me in these states. I just want to break free from the burden. So I went to our rooftop.
"I hate myself! I hate everything!" I shouted at the top of my lungs then I began to cry. I cried hard.
Then I began to think about all the other things I still needed to do the next day.
I cried even more!
I didn't know how many hours I spent crying. All I know was my eyes were tired of crying. I stayed few more hours staring blankly at the calm sky while listening to music.
The lyrics of the song entitled "Leaves by Ben&Ben" said, real talk.
" That no matter what happens, we try to make it right
Leaves will soon grow from the bareness of trees
And it will be alright in time
From waves overgrown come the calmest of seas
And all will be alright in time."
I hope time will come and this suffering will come to an end.
After some quiet time, I decided to go downstairs and went straight to our unit. Upon entering the unit, I saw Rona busy doing a draft of a floor plan. She then looked at me frowning and changed into a concerned expression. "Oh, your eyes. What had happened? Did you cry?"
"Yeah. I did some sort of acting. You know, my forte," I sudden laughed with my answer. "By the way, what are you doing?"
"This? Just random stuff, just to make myself busy since I was so exhausted," she faintly said. "I was bored waiting for you. Have you already ate dinner? I cooked what I saw in the fridge."
"I'm not hungry."
"Before I forgot, Aunt called me earlier asking about you. Your out of coverage is." I nodded.
I heaved a sigh as I recall an author once said, "Loving yourself is about learning how to let yourself be seen, heard, and loved by the person you live with 24/7 -- yourself!"
Vulnerable,
Ms A