"It's my fault!" I shouted at Mrs Miller out of nowhere. "I asked her every question, I pointed out she was a murderer, I'm…sorry,"
"Oh what a pity! You blame my daughter and after, you say it wasn't her and NOW the MILLER family are going to be MURDERERS, do you see what you've done?!" She shouted so close to my face. I felt like I was about to cry until I held it in.
"We are deeply sorry for your daughter, please, let us make things-" Morven tried to speak, but no use. In fact, her response shocked us more.
"Screw Alice, she was an idiot the moment I gave birth to her. It's the fact that you ruined our image!" She screamed at us looking like a monster. "How am I supposed to come out without a single person in the WHOLE school asking me a thousand questions, and looking at me like I am the mother of a murderer?!"
For some reason, she only looked at me and stared. Umm…is it my face? She started staring so hard as if she thought that it was piercing my soul, she fixed her gaze at my eyes so deeply that she was trying to rip my whole existence out of my body, but before she could even start, I moved my eyes to look somewhere else. Am I guilty?
"Morven"
"Yes Miss"
"Go to your dorm at once. You are both to stay there until I come." Mrs Miller said. Unfortunately, when I stood up to go with Morven, her not so soft but wicked voice spoke to me. "Where do you think you are heading Lian?"
"I thought-" I began as I shushed myself and turned back around slowly. Morven looked at me and then she was signalled to leave. As soon as she left. Mrs Miller asked me to follow her to the library and so, that's what I did.
When she shut the door, I was right next to a bookshelf because of how hard she closed it.
"How DARE you!" She shouted fiercely. "How dare you think you could embarrass me. Huh!?" Saying that, suddenly she was so close to my face that my back fully rested on the hard books behind me. I'm so confused! What on earth?
"The Miller family is ruined because you decided you were so ignorant." She shouted. "It's time to call your dad. He'll be the one to discipline you."
"You don't need to call him! He won't answer. He's too busy.." I quickly replied.
"Mr. Park," she said putting her phone on the speaker. She wanted me to hear. My dad answered "yes" in English but he is not very good and prefers to speak Korean but Mrs Miller isn't Korean, so, tough. I was surprised he answered…no I wasn't, it's typical Mr Park to answer phones when I am in big trouble!
"Your daughter has done something awful and ridiculous. You must come to my office tomorrow!" She whined shutting her phone, not giving him a chance to say anything or reply…does she know my dad that well that she knows he would want to re-schedule? I am nowhere near to knowing what is happening.
"Your dad made a big mistake enrolling you here at MY school," but she started laughing. "He can't even say a sentence in English correctly"
"Mrs Miller, please, if this is irrelevant to the subject-"
"Do you want to know what other mistake he made was?" She asked.
Closing my eyes in anger and making a fist to control myself from crying, I looked up at her once more. "Please. Nobody needs to know anything. My family is none of your business." I half whispered. But I was struck on the face. Not with a hand. But with words.
"His mistake was marrying that woman. And followed by that, ANOTHER mistake which of course was you, an ignorant good for NOTHING! You yourself, are NOTHING. Hear it yet? NOTHING. N O T H I N G," she spelled stupidly.
This time, my hands were clutching the bookshelf. Does she mean my mum? Does…she like my dad or something? I don't care less about her saying I'm nothing because that's the most lamest yet childish thing I've heard, but her talking about my mum seemed more concerning to me.
She grabbed my shoulder and turned my whole body to face a wall. A picture on a wall. It was pinned there from what looks like a million times. What on earth is a head teacher like this doing to a student?!
Suddenly, she begins to say things but the one thing that caught my attention was a single word…a name. The name I've managed to stay away from for 7 damn years.
"You see this?" She showed me the picture from what looks like a class. "Maria, me and your father. Your dad married a dumb woman," She took scissors out and began to cut my mother's face out of it. She even began lighting my mum's smiling face up with a match.
"You have no right to call her that!" I screamed at her but this time I was really slapped on the face.
"Why, your mum hated you my darling, so does your dad, is that why you wonder why he ignores you? DON'T YOU WONDER WHY YOUR PARENTS WANT TO DISOWN YOU?" At this point I began to step back crying, but I was held by my shirt and my back fixed on the wall while she talked. So this is getting personal?
"This is not a way to treat a student! How do you know my dad ignores me. He doesn't…at all!" I replied back to her lying.
"Why, I know everything! Everyone who knew him knows the ignorant father of yours. A dummy. Your imbecile MUMMY gave birth to YOU and do you know why she died? Let me make it clear for you to understand this ugly truth." She whispered.
"Your mum hates you darling, she never liked you." This time my eyes began to well up, my heartbeat was reaching its limit, and my hands were now tight fists all because of the build of confusion and anger.
"That's not true. Don't pretend you know anything! My mum died because she was ill." I screamed knowing that at this point I'm lying to myself too.
"Really? I don't believe you. Even so, you're a liar, just like her, don't you know that lying is bad? I don't even know why your dad didn't accept me…just what did he see in her!"
"If lying was bad you wouldn't be doing it yourself, I was there when my mother died. YOU WEREN'T" I finally shouted ignoring the last bit she said…this really is a personal topic...I don't get why she had to bring that up with me though, is it her way of revenge? I really can't tell, but even if it was, she did it in the worst way. Yet still achieving her goal to reach my weakness.
"Your dad will probably come only because his stupid daughter caused trouble for him, that's how he notices you…trouble!" She snapped. Though I can't say that's not true. "His next move would probably be to put you out for adoption. Yeah, that would be a smart move"
"My dad would never do that, never." I said hesitating a little because I wasn't really sure he wouldn't. In fact, I started to think she is right.
"Oh he definitely will, trust me! But you…probably won't make it," she said laughing like a maniac "You'll probably die too!"
I brought myself together and grabbed her hand before she started leaving. "My mother loves me more than your mother. You probably never even had one," I said but I guess her words hit harder. I mean...I tried?
"Think about WHY you don't have one sweet heart. Your mother herself knew you were a mistake, both your parents just pretend to like you out of pity."
"Is that it," I began as she turned around to me again, "is that why you're treating me like trash…because you like my dad?"
"Yes…that's it…do you think I chose to marry MR MILLER?!" She asked me, "yes I did. Because I love him…but I still want revenge, for the way he rejected me when we were eighteen." Ah. My question was answered. Revenge.
She was going to leave but I grabbed her and turned her around, "I'm going to tell EVERYONE about how you treated me…I don't care if it's the last thing I'll do in my life. I'll do it. Someone like you deserves to be rejected by my dad anyway, he was smart to do that."
This time, I think I may have gone a little too far but that's her fault, and that's when I get struck on the face again, only way harder, probably the hardest. I could feel the intense redness on my cheek when I stumbled to the floor. It's even worse since I expected that to happen.
She bent to my level, looking at me uncomfortably as she talked, "your mum died because of you, she was sick of you. Dying was her only choice so she could be reborn. Or so, she thought, if anyone and I mean ANYONE hears of this I will find every way and every peephole to make your life, hell!" She left laughing.
"Cut out the nonsense about my mum already!" I shouted as I realised her breath smelt funny. Oh…she's drunk! Yuck! What kind of headmistress is this?!
"Let's wait for your daddy now!" She said stumbling her way out as she slammed the door shut.
I hit my back on a wall and slid down to the floor. I began crying. No, sobbing. She doesn't even know how my mum died…yet even though she was drunk, she managed to deepen every word she said to me. I feel…terrified and so lost. I feel more pathetic actually, now she knows my weakness including the fact that now I know a drunk person can get the worst of me.
"She hates me?" I began thinking as I cried out loud, "my own mum hates me?" Is that why dad never pays attention to me?" I began to say but it was just my thoughts now.
I guess, this is why dad never acknowledged me, never looked at me, always ignored me. Out of pity? What if, he really does put me out for adoption? Oh you and your assumptions Lian!
"But what if he does…" I asked myself again. I began feeling some pain on my right cheek, she slapped me to the point where I noticed a tiny blood streak as I stroked down the tiny line of blood that I could see on the mirror I noticed near the bookshelves. I hate looking at myself crying, it makes me feel like an idiot.
She's abusive…definitely…but maybe that was because she was drunk. Though moments of fear of what my dad might say took over me. I got up as mad as ever and was walking when I noticed the birthday card I was writing for my dad because Alice took so long to arrive. "There's no point of that," I thought as I just as I tore it into pieces putting it in the bin and collapsing to the floor.
I stood up slowly while sobbing and ran out, right out of the school. I was wearing my second day non-uniform clothing. Black trousers a white T-shirt and a yellow and black striped button up shirt. What I'm wearing would probably be easy to spot, but I didn't care, not more…not less. The boots, I don't know if they'll help me run.
"Hey!" A guard shouted. "Stripy! Yellow! Get back here!" But Mrs Miller interrupted him while I was running. And from what I heard, I heard her say 'Leave her be, she'll come back.'
Come back? Will I? Will I come back to see my dad "disown" me? I began to run straight out to nowhere, sobbing. As I ran, I fell down a hill being rolled down so violently that I hurt my knee and my trousers were torn a little and the blood was visible. I had cut it. It started to rain on top of everything and I began to sob even more hitting my fisr on the grass. Even though I had cut my right knee, I got up and continued running. Life, can't get any worse.
An hour later, after I had slipped down a hill again, tearing my button up shirt on my left elbow; cutting myself while rolling down violently, but hitting the ground, exhausted. I get up and saw a bench. I limp on there and lie down on it. I thought that this was the end of me and I began sobbing again, and again. I kind of wish it was, to be honest.
My bleeding arm -which by now the blood had stained all the way down my elbow- was dripping from my hand to the floor, something that had built up a little pond of water and blood -the rain was still pouring heavily- I was laying sideways, my whole body and clothing dripping wet, my hair wet and dry curling and covering my face, my coughing throat and my heavy breathing which seemed to make me believe it was the end of me.
"Mother," I coughed speaking to the sky. "If you really hate me, I will not forgive you," I spoke with my eyes half closing and my hand still swinging and dripping with blood. "The pain I feel is not in my hand, it's in my heart. Do you see it?" I cried a little, "Do you see it mum?" I raised my arm a little.
"Mother, do I belong in this world?" I cried. "Why am I suffering? Why?" I coughed and I shivered cold, "Mum please, can you come down to hug me one more time? Or do you hate me?" I became even crazier, "No? You hate me, it's true isn't it?" I laughed and sobbed.
"My life, was based on a lie. It gets worse and worse overtime. Why can't I just disappear? Can't I just get some strength to vanish?" The fact that I think I don't belong, the fact that a person can forget themselves so easily.
"Can you hear my mournful, pathetic wails? Can you?" I turned to my side and curled up holding on to myself. And suddenly, my eyes got heavy and shut and the rain became heavier by the second. But it began to get darker and colder. I didn't care about that, I wasn't bothered by it, my heart was colder than the weather itself. I wanted to tire myself even more but I was too fatigue to even try. Instead, I turned into a living monster and as my blood keeps dripping, the only thing anyone can see, is a girl dripping wet, covered in water; passed out there. Would they help?
It was just me left there, fainted on a bench with a cut on my knee and an injury on my arm, which made the pool of blood. It was even bigger with water. It somehow looked Crimson. There, was also a tree, with its leaves gone. We were near winter time anyway so I guess it's fine. Even though, I was blacked out, but to me I could hear nature and the sound of wind and every drop raining on my body including the drops which were forming the puddle next to the bench. Time passed quicker than a bird can fly. I guess my body couldn't handle that much running and shut down on me.
I was more scared to go back, my mind was in a state where I couldn't handle myself. I was just a mess…I wondered if anyone would rescue me but who would come here when it's the night anyway? Right now I only cared about what my dad would do…but I remembered that Morven could be freaking out or she could just still be thinking what on earth is happening between me and Mrs Miller.
What kind of principal would talk to a student like that! She must be a true witch…Maria is my mum's English name. She has a different name and this is not the time to mention it.
I had a dream that would always appear when I think of her, you see, my mother played at the '100 years' event. That event was a piano playing event…It was a "men only" event. My mum was very talented at piano, that's one of the things dad loved most about her. She played with real feeling.
This dream I keep having always started off with a song she had played, on the day she shocked everyone at the '100 year' event by being the first woman who played there. That song was her favourite, she would always play it and amuse me, it was 'River flows in you' by a great Piano writer. She'd also sometimes play Mozart.
In my dream I follow the playing through the hallways so fast, thinking I could find the chance to see my mother again. I found myself at the back of an empty audience place. I wondered if I'd finally done it, finally found my mum in my dream after all these years. I was right at the back of the hall, in front of me, was a beautiful woman who was playing her favourite song. I stopped on my tracks and saw her. I smiled with a tear forming. Wiping that tear away, I began to walk slowly down that isle. When she saw me, she smiled the warmest smile I've been yearning to see.
When I was in front of her right next to the stage, my shining eyes turn toward a girl in the front row, she was me, but the tiny version. She looked so inspired and was smiling in the happiest way possible. Next to her was her dad. The little girl, and her father who was cheering for his wife and holding his little daughters hand, disappeared. Only a year later did mother die. I wished my dad could hold my hand like that again. I suddenly envied 6 year old me. My mother was coming toward the end of her song.
As I wipe my tear and walked on the black stairs in the huge room, with only one light shining on my mother. She suddenly stops playing and smiles moving over for me to sit right next to her. She got a note sheet for my personal favourite piano piece 'Spring time' and played it while looking at me, as if she was talking to me through the song.
Memories would flash of those good times I spent with her and one particular memory, a dream, would stay forever in my heart. This, was in fact something I would cherish for life as you can tell. This event, I was supposed to play next year. But, no way is that ever going to happen. My mother hugged me at the end of the song so tight that I began to cry in her shoulders. Suddenly, I had the courage to ask her a question. A question I've begged to ask. I obviously spoke in Korean to her.
"Why did you do it?" I asked still hugging her and she broke the hug and wiped my tears.
"My darling, all I will tell you is this. Follow my clues and you will have your answer." She smiled.
I also had the guts to ask another question, "Do you love me?"
"How can I not? Mother loves you more than you can imagine. Especially me, my little detective!" She tickled me making me laugh with her. She took my hand and we walked down from the stage. "Though I may not be here for you, please forgive me," she began to say crying slightly.
"I forgive you. I do. I promise," she looked at me and hugged me for so long that it felt so real.
"Never for one second doubt how important you are to me," she said as the hug became tighter, but she vanished. I have been crying since I feel so happy.
I woke up, in tears but a smile on my face. My mother loves me, I think she does. For some reason, I could feel her sent. I looked around me and I got up. I tried to walk but I fell as soon as I did.
"Damn it! Ouch!" I said sitting down to see what made me fall. Oh…there is a bruise on my foot…it must have happened yesterday. Oops!
"Huh? I am in a nurse gown? WAIT," I looked around and realised I was in a nursing office, who the hell brought me here? The people I least expected were talking outside. Mrs Miller and my dad. I saw a door at the back and went to go there. I wanted to get out of here anyway possible. I put on shoes first of course.
"Hey!" A person stopped me by clutching onto my hand as I realised they shouted to me in Korean. When I turned around I saw my dad. I was relieved it was him and not some kidnapper but hey? Is that meant to be my name.
"Hey?" I answered back to him. "Is that my name dad? The last person I expect to say that is you," I said letting go of his hand.
"Sorry," he said and suddenly all I could do was get mad at him.
"Sorry?" I scoffed "You should be more-" I started to say but his phone rang, when he was about to speak, I interrupted sighing. I took his phone out from his pocket and opened his hand.
"Here," I began. "Come back anytime you want to talk and let your phone ring in front of me, during our tiny conversation," my dad looked at his phone but he let it ring. He stared at me and put his phone away. I don't think he's had me being like this before. I took it out again and this time I opened it and put it to his ear. He stared at me the whole time answering "Yes" for everything that the person began to tell him.
We were standing in a kind of dark room which had an exit door to it, there was also a view of the school.
When my dad was done. I declined for him and saw a picture of me and him as a wallpaper. Staring at it for a while and sighing awkwardly, I looked up at him but within a moment I shut his phone and started to hesitate.
"Uh, here," I put it in his hand. "I-I am leaving" I coughed slightly.
"Oh...yes yes, see you later," he straightened up re-playing what happened just now. I stood there for a while and in seconds I picked up my shoes and ran out. He didn't even say a word because all he did was stare at me. I started to wonder what he was thinking. I was going to see him in Mrs Miller's office anyway.
After breakfast, I headed into Mrs Miller's office smiling and head up high.
"Good morning," I cheerfully said as I enjoyed every moment of her stupidity. "Oh no…no need to be confused, I know my poor mother loves me," I said to her reminding her.
"About that," Mrs Miller began but I didn't want to hear it.
"No thank you. I won't forgive you. But I won't tell either since you were...drunk. I know myself enough to not believe your words yesterday," I coughed.
"Well, let's see how the meeting with your dad goes," she said challenging me. Even though I was scared that my dad's answer would be wrong, I somehow had a feeling telling me it will be alright.
I sat down and waited for my dad patiently. I'm pretty sure by now that Morven is worried sick to hell. She must think I'm dead right this second. As I thought of that, I chuckled a little, I loved that she was at least someone who cared about me. To tell you the truth though, I am not at all excited about millions of questions bombarding me. I was going to tell her the truth anyway. I'll never keep a secret from her…maybe one, but nothing else.
"Oh, Mr Park, have a seat," She said and I looked up to see him. I saw that he was wearing baggy trousers and a sweater. I didn't even pay attention to the fact that his clothes were not formal, that surprised me. He looked tired and his shoes had some grass on them.
"Hello," he smiled at her and looked at me. "Hello Lian," he said in English. I nodded but I wanted to laugh at his sweet accent. It was funny. I did start to wonder where he had been though…
While they were discussing things, the sun shined on me and I turned to look out of the window beside me. As I turned back, my dad was looking at me. We locked eyes for a second, I didn't care if he had read my soul already but he just seemed too comfortable.
"Your daughter has done a very bad thing to ruin my family's image" and he started to get interested. Is he only interested because I got into trouble?
"Oh," my dad began. "What did she do?"
Mrs Miller began to tell him and I rolled my eyes to the window in front of me and something caught my eye. A half covered piano.
"Lian? Won't you reply please?" Mrs miller said as I snapped back to reality.
"Hmm?" I asked smiling politely.
"Can you tell your dad a reasonable explanation for what you did? Perhaps in Korean if he can't understand?" And I looked at her in disbelief.
"I was detecting a little, that was all. I simply wanted to help with the investigation of Billy's death" I said to him as I brought my gaze to his feet.
"Billy?" Dad asked.
"Yes, don't you know?" I said to him.
"Oh, the boy who was murdered…" he said "I was going to come-"
"Mrs miller I'm done" I interrupted him to get out of that subject.
"Good, you may excuse yourself now please." She said looking at my dad weirdly, I just wanted to go to the piano room so before I headed out, I asked her.
"Oh...Mrs Miller?"
"Yes"
"Do you mind if I go to that room with the covered piano?"
"Oh yes of course. That piano hasn't been touched since the '100 years' event," and I turned my head so fast at her. My dad straightened up too and looked at me.
"The '100 years' event?" I asked many questions. "What year? Who brought it here?"
"Oh, since Maria's performance," she said and I paused to look at my dad smiling and then quickly hurrying out of the room.
I walked to that room and hesitated to open the door. When I opened it, I felt mothers sent wiff by me and I walked slowly to the half covered piano and opened the rest of it and blew the dust off of it to reveal sheets of music that had been scribbled on but the notes were clear and the Korean writing…belong to my mother. I could see that because Maria was written on it.
It looked like my mother had tried to work on this piece of music to guide me, my favourite piece 'Spring time'…I sat down and admired the sheet.
I was wearing Trousers and a baggy jumper, I will have to change later for my first class at 12. My hair was just down as usual. I like to braid it or style it sometimes.
When I looked at all the sheets, I found mum's sheet which was 'River flows in you'. I knew how to play it. Only the first part, I was scared to though. But I sat up straight and tried. Eventually, I played it.
As I was playing, I zoned out and I somehow felt my mum's smooth touch on the keys. It made me enjoy playing more.
When I finished playing it, I sadly smiled finding a picture of me and her, including dad. Which said, 'Happy Birthday! I love you, you are the river that will flow in me forever!' As I looked to my right feeling the presence of someone, I saw dad who had been leaning on the shut door for what looks like a while. It was the note for my dad's birthday.
He smiled and came to hug me from behind as I was still sitting down. His hug was…sincere and I was shocked.. "You played just like she did," he told me resting his head on mine and admiring the picture of us with me. I looked up finding his face and smiled at him as I turned back down to stare at the picture.
"Mummy wrote these," I said flicking through the papers and her written sheets, laying them out on the piano. My dad didn't even let go of the hug and rested his face on my shoulder as he watched me flip through all her notes. We chuckled at some of them since they were jokes and spelling mistakes.
"Keep them, we both know how it would end for me," he laughed a little. He let go of me and stood up looking around the room. If I give my dad these, he would stare at them all day long and burn them all because he would be so upset. Those days still don't relate to how I feel.
I took a deep breath and sighed. "But, I'm wondering if you'd understand how you made me feel if I gave these to you," I murmured slightly.
"Hm?" He asked.
"Oh nothing, I was just wondering how your feet are wet." I said and he shut the door and sat down.
"Oh, my feet are wet because I saw a girl lying on a bench with many wounds which seemed to form a blood puddle" and I looked up at him in realisation. " I recognised that person and ran for life's sake to get her help." He finished chuckling.
"You helped me?" I asked astonished.
"Yes, oh and here's the medicine you need to take today. I will go now so I don't disturb you," he handed me a bag which seemed to come from a pharmacy.
"I'll make sure to stay well," I reassured him as he came closer to me.
"Mm, also, sorry about earlier," he zipped up his coat and we stayed silenced for a while feeling the embrace of mum's perfume. No one came in here huh? "I should go now, you can call me tonight...if you like," he smiled leaving the room.
No. Don't go, you're not in the way of anything: these were the words I wanted to say. I wanted to say a lot of things and argue with him but this wasn't the time. He was being very nice with me.
I stood there as I wondered a 1000 times whether I should say 'thank you' before turning to look at the door and finally running out to say it to him.However it was too late, I saw the car driving out of the gate and I just sighed going back.
Now, I have an important, crucial mission. Telling Morven everything. Why I was gone, what Mrs Miller did and what happened with me and dad. Not going to lie, I felt happy today despite the many things that happened. Crying felt amazing. I am afraid to tell Morven though...only a little.