Although I tried for days there was nobody willing to offer up any sort of information that might help me in my mission to find some birth control in this era. Being a medical professional myself, I was familiar with the way contraceptives worked in my own time, but here it was a whole different ballgame.
After the bath incident, I didn't feel comfortable conveying my adamant mentality towards finding a contraceptive before the wedding to any of my ladies other than Elise when we were alone. In her, I felt she sort of understood my hesitation at wanting a child with a man I really wasn't supposed to even marry, but her loyalty and love for the true princess held her constant to her duty. If somehow I could sway her loyalty towards me just a little bit, I feel like she may help.
Today was January 5th, 1540, the day before the wedding and there was no time to waste. I sent Greta and Clara to fetch some lavender for my bath the next morning, Mathilda was ill from drinking too much the previous night, so this day she remained in bed.
I looked over my shoulder at her in her tiny cot, drool running down the side of her mouth. I looked back at Elise who was practicing her embroidery with me, judging whether or not this was the best moment to go ahead and ask her again about the contraceptives.
"Elise," I said casually, drawing her attention.
"Yes, my lady?"
"May I speak honestly with you?"
"Of course, my lady, there is no one you can trust more than I," she said placing her embroidery in her lap, giving me all of her attention.
I sighed, her eyes making me nervous, "please," I began, watching as her expression changed to something close to sympathetic, "help me figure out how to keep from having a child so soon."
She was quiet for several moments before answering, "you know that I can not do that. It is against my instructions from the Duke." Once more she picked up her embroidery and continued working on it; I watched from my place by the fire as she did so.
"What if the others didn't know? Then how could he?"
"I swore on my honor," she said, not taking her eyes away from what she was doing, "and I promised my true lady, Anne."
"Then how can you say that I can trust you if you have no compassion for my situation?" I grew upset, feeling a familiar panic rise inside my chest until it was all I could think about.
"I have compassion, my lady, but I also have honor. My word is good, and it has already been given, if there is something else I can do for you though please feel free to tell me, I truly wish to serve you in any way that does not break my oath."
"Then you can not help me?" I said placing the embroidery by my feet, finding it harder to work on with so much to think about.
"Not in the way you are hoping."
"Then how can you help me?" I asked, feeling a bit of hope at the tone in her voice- the slightest bit of give that she's given me since I met her back in Dusseldorf.
"I can give you advice I suppose, but since I am not married I can not say for sure... only what my mother told me."
"I don't need to know the mechanics of how to reproduce, I am a doctor after all."
"Then why are you asking me about contraceptives? Shouldn't you know plenty about them?"
"None that actually work," I said, crossing my arms across my chest and sighing.
"Why are you so worried about conceiving a child? Should you not be concerned about your wedding night first? Conceiving is very easy, we do not know when it happens, but the act of making the child can be quite embarrassing at first."
"I am worried about it, but I have resigned myself to bigger, and more important things... like preventing myself from becoming pregnant and dying trying to give birth."
"You are afraid of birth, then?"
"You are a real psychologist, aren't you?" I whispered to myself in annoyance. I couldn't tell her that there was no way that I would be staying here with them and being their little prisoner. I would be going home as soon as Kate was sent oversea's.
Elise looked up from her embroidery again, judging my expressions, "what was that, my lady?"
"Nothing, I was just talking to myself?"
It was quiet between us for several moments, the only noise in the room coming from the fire, and the snoring coming from Mathilda behind us. I leaned my head against my fist, looking into the flames flickering before myself; wondering what I should be doing.
I had tried to keep my thoughts from going here, but my mind drifted into negativity very easily now with the days narrowing down on me so quickly and no escape plan coming to mind, I knew I was running out of time. Never before had I thought of myself as a depressed person; no, I had astounding mental fortitude prior to coming here, but this week had drained me of everything I had. I felt like a caged animal, and for someone with as much training as I had received there was no help for it. I knew that my moment for escape had long since departed when Charles Brandon caught me trying to flee the ship. Now, if my moment did not come tonight, I would be forced to go through with the marriage.
I reached inside my dress pocket and felt my rosaries, fingering over the beads until I found my way to the metal cross. I sat like this for a while, clutching it to my palm and praying silently for comfort, and guidance. I really reached down into myself, looking for any sign that God was here and listening to my prayers, but finding none.
I shivered as I thought about all the things I knew about Henry VIII. Born in 1491, he was the third child, and second son to King Henry VII and Queen Elizabeth of York. Historians of my time had to assume that he had been raised like a prince should, but was no doubt cast in his brother, Arthur's, shadow. When he died of the sweating sickness in 1502, leaving Henry sole heir to the throne. In my own opinion, it had given him a complex of some sort; needing to prove to the world that he was meant to be king all along. This began with the taking of Arthur's widow, Catherine of Aragon- the Spanish Princess, for himself. They married just 2 months after Henry became king, the marriage producing one daughter, Mary, in 1516. This was not the anticipated son that he had dreamed of having, however, and there would be no more living children between them, making Henry believe that he had sinned against God by taking his brother's wife as his own. During this time, there is a civil war waging within Europe between Catholics and Protestants- something that Henry plays to his advantage. This is when he met Anne Boleyn, and asked that the Catholic Church annul his marriage on the grounds of Catherine having lied about consummating her marriage to Prince Arthur. When he is denied, he has himself declared head of the Church of England, annulling his own marriage and wedding Anne Boleyn in secret. During their brief 3 year marriage Anne bore Henry 1 daughter, Elizabeth, and like Catherine- had numerous miscarriages and stillbirths. Catherine died after years of neglect, leaving Mary at the mercy of her father and step mother, who had legally declared her a bastard. Leaving Elizabeth his only legitimate child at the time. Once again, the king was displeased, and one can assume he had Anne set up for adultery and incest. For this offense, Elizabeth is declared a bastard as well, and Anne, to death. By 1536, Anne was beheaded, leaving the king single once more, with no legitimate child. Once again, he went on the hunt for a wife, finding Jane Seymour- a beautiful, and caring individual who was more than happy to do anything he asked. When they married 2 months after Anne's execution, everyone rejoiced for the new couple. After all, she was kind; kind enough, in fact, to have Mary and Elizabeth restored to the line of succession behind the children herself and the king might produce.
Finally, in 1537, after years of trying, Jane Seymour delivers the king a son, whom he names Edward. All is well for a short time, until Jane dies of Childbed Fever, leaving Henry to raise their infant son, alone. It has now been a little over 2 years, and the king is once again ready to marry, no doubt feeling pressure to produce another son if he wants to feel secure in his reign.
Henry's fragile ego is going to be huge, as big as his desire to maintain that he is a strong leader, and he will want to show that his dynasty is safe- by having many, many sons. This was what any man would want back in these days, as it shows that the family will proceed to grow and wont easily die out. This is especially important for those closer to the crown, and particularly Henry.
If they had chosen anyone else, I bet that they would have jumped at the opportunity to be a Queen. Now, all I can think about is how afraid I am to mess up. If I try to escape, and get caught, will he kill me? Will he kill me before I can try? Will he hurt me if I don't get out before then? Will God ever forgive me for leaving him if we do marry and I can escape?
The line had already been crossed, but I felt even more irritated at my religious turmoil.
"My lady," Elise suddenly said, taking me by surprise, "you are thinking too hard about this. He is a man. You are a woman. That is all there is to know about what you must do tomorrow. Do your duty as if he was your true love, and perhaps, maybe you will have a love like that of his parents."
"Did his parents truly love each other in that sense though?" I asked, not believing that anyone who was forcibly entered into an arranged marriage could possibly be happy.
"Yes," she said, "my mother had been a lady of hers, and she said that while it was hard on her at first, Elizabeth slowly opened up to him, and they truly grew to love, and respect one another. That is all one can hope for in a marriage."
"Wouldn't it be nice to be able to choose who you marry though? Based on love, instead of stability?"
Elise laughed at me, clearly thinking that I was joking, but as I stayed stone faced she slowly stopped. "Oh, you are serious."
"Don't you think it's important? Don't you hope to love someone one day?"
"I will," she said matter of factly, "my husband, which will be whoever the king decides suits me best."
I sighed. There would be no getting through to her today, and there could be no doubt that I am running low on time. I would have to get creative here, and hope for the best.
A few moment went by in silence before a knock on the door alerted us that someone wished entrance. When the announced stepped through the doors, Elise and I stood waiting for him to tell us who wished an audience.
"Her Grace, the Duchess of Suffolk, wishes us to part with you a gift," he said.
"Yes, go ahead and bring whatever it is in," Elise said, coming to stand next to me.
The man gestured to whoever was on the other side of the door and two men brought in a basket of assorted fruits, cheeses, bread, and what appeared to be pastries. I salivated at the sight of the gorgeous gift.
"Please tell her Grace that I happily accept her gift, and thank her for her troubles. In the future, I hope that we may enjoy each others company soon."
"As you wish, my lady," he said as he bowed, and then left the room- closing the doors behind him.
"What a beautiful, and costly, gift! You must thank her properly next time you see her," Elise said stepping up to the barrel and inspecting it with me.
She began yapping on about needing help sorting through the basket, and getting everything ready for the wedding- but all I could focus on was one thing that had caught my eye. The one thing that could help save me from an even worse fate than losing your virginity to an old, sickly, and mean, man.
The Lemons.