In doing so however, her cheap habits allowed for a lot of dollar signs in my moms savings account and an expensive middle school education for me that was anything but fake. The day I started failing is the same day Calvin started putting twisted thoughts in my moms head about what's right for me. She resisted at first and spent money on tutors and worked with the school for accommodations but after the first two years of high school spent in a downward spiral, mom put me in a 'less stressful' environment- public school. It wasn't less stressful, just less expensive. Calvin is good at twisting words to make one term mean another. It is his manipulative charisma that keeps my mom bound to him despite the recurrent lies, broken promises and the treasure hunt of seductive panties that are mysteriously uncovered in the back of closets, behind the dryer and even between the stacked mattresses of my mothers king sized bed.
I shake away one of the many memories of my mother crying over him and stab my fork into my melon slice. It's the second to last item on my previously fruit filled plate. I hate melon but when I was at the food table, I felt pressured by the man behind me. I was in line waiting to get to the mountain of grapes in the chilled glass bowl but this elder man was just standing there smiling and shaking his head at the food as if remembering a fun memory. I was annoyed having to just wait next to the large and gross melon slice filled bowl and so was the guy behind me. He huffed and tapped his foot, one of his three plates bumped me (though I can't be sure it wasn't on purpose) and so I stepped forward and would have bumped into the smiling old man if he hadn't disappeared like ash in the wind. Come to find out, I was the one holding up the line! I didn't want to give anyone reason to call me insane to my mother so I picked up two big scoops of melon slices and my grapes and then I came to the island counter to pick at it all like a fussy child.
I have a system for downing gross foods, the worst thing is second to last so that I can follow it with something tasty, I also always eat my favorite food first so that the taste isn't distorted by the following foods. I ate my strawberries, my watermelon cubes and now I'm forcing down my melon slices and frowning at my plate. I keep looking at the grapes and remind myself that to throw the whole plate away now would be both wasteful and take away any reason to have prolonged my stay in that embarrassing line for as long as I did. I suck down another melon slice, trying not to taste it or chew it. It'd be a spectacle if I choked right now, imagine I started grabbing for a doctor that wasn't here...I think bitter jokes to myself as I reward my triumph with a grape.
"Rayen!" I hear my mom's lower voice call for my attention, I glance over to the sound, looking for her curled voluminous black hair, one of her most noticeable features. When I see her, her attention is turned away from me. Her body is facing me as if she was interrupted mid step and her head is turned towards my aunt who is signing to her about her friend Reita winning her equestrian tournament, I can tell it's Reita by her name sign, and 'R' in the place of horse ears near her forehead. My aunt is Deaf so she Mom and I learned American Sign Language but I'm not that great and have to piece things together, my mom took some online classes so she is better than I am with the language. My aunt typically looks about as lonely as me at these sorts of gatherings, we often sit together and write or sign things back and forth when my mom would entertain other guests. My name sign, the one Aunt Clarissa gave me, is the sign for 'crazy' with an 'R', shockingly it isn't based on my delusions, Aunt Clarissa hardly notices that I have delusions- or isn't phased by it at least. She actually gave me the name sign because of my mom, who spelled my name so oddly. My name is pronounced at RY-EN, the first 'a' is silent but my mom wanted me to be unique so she added a letter. My aunt said that was stupid and crazy so I'm Ryan with a crazily spelled name, which annoyed her to fingerspell so I became known as Crazy R for Rayen.
Today however, she got to my mom before her spot next to me. Mom and I are the only ones who learned her language so this is also one of the first times Aunt Clarissa is seeing a lot of these people.. Aunt Clarissa is a talker, she explained that it's a culture thing but it is kind of amusing to see mom stop in her tracks.
My aunt is lonely a lot and my grandparents are both hearing like me, Aunt Clarissa and mom were not close as kids since my Aunt went to a residential school but they got close after they both graduated high school. Mom learned a little while Aunt Clarissa helped my mom with a place to stay after she was left pregnant with me. She's the only one I've really gotten to know, the rest of these people here are practically strangers since the family ties broke apart much like an umbilical cord. It's not something I dwell on too much, or I try not to at least. I find I'm more grateful than anything, my mom gave up a lot and some things, like our extended family bond, are just now starting to be stitched back together.
It's because of her that I've had a good life despite my condition. She and my Aunt always gave me support and defended me, I may not be able to say the same for Calvin but he's a relatively recent unwanted addition to our home and he is just a phase my mom is going through. She may have bad tastes in men but she has always been a hardworking person and a great mom to me.
I remind myself every day how lucky I am, I see all these ungrateful kids cursing their parents for being human and making mistakes. Maybe my messed up mind made me more empathetic but my mom's always been reliable and we were always more like friends than mother and son. Calvin entered the picture, he's a leech going after all the money my mom saves and spends. The beautiful wealthy single woman who is attracted to fake bling and has a mentally distraught son is almost the perfect target for any manipulative jerk-off.
My thoughts sour my mood. I didn't take my medication today so my mind is racing, I always get a little too...fast when I'm off them but it's better than being groggy and feeling like a zombie. They don't fix everything anyway.
I sign and pick up one of the last few grapes I've been absent-mindedly eating, forgetting to enjoy the sweet flavor while I was in deep thought. "Rayen, the trash is full, could you empty it when you're done eating?" My mom seemed to somehow make her way here, though Aunt Clarissa is clearly trying to tow behind her. My aunt is a bigger lady so she moves a bit slower through the clusters of people in fancy cardigans and sweaters who glance away from my Aunt and ignore her gentle hands urging them to allow her through. The sight pisses me off. I hate that so many people ignore her just because she's Deaf, these are the same damn people who will abandon family for the slightest step out of line. My aunt is the coolest, kindest and most resilient person I know and none of these people grant her any form of human decency, In fact, their treatment adds to the obstacles she faces every stupid day.
"Yeah sure thing mom," I say this quickly and with a small apologetic smile for what I am about to do. I quickly grab the sticky wet overfilled trash bag from the large kitchen trash bin my mom rented just for this gathering. It's quite large and heavy so even I have to let it drag a little behind me, I set my course through the people who mostly move out of my way as the scent hits their nose but my objective is the group still blocking my Aunt and hoping she'll just leave. They are so heavily focused on their own selfish comfort zones that they don't pay me any mind, likely expecting me to go find a way around them the same way they expect my aunt to teleport across their group. These bitter thoughts fuel my strength as I 'accidentally' lose my grip and throw the bag into them. I watch and listen as the skinny tall man in a fedora loses his balance and falls on his ass, a cry of surprise and disgust leaves his small bird-like mouth.