5/6/21 2:36 PM
The bridge between reality and conscience reality is great.
Sometimes I even mistaken online conversations with Denise as an actual materialized memory by how I know her responses so well, just to support myself. But is it truly a fact which occurred if such incidents only happened inside your head in contrast if it had happened in "reality"? The Bible seems to warn that it is possible to commit sin even whilst thinking about it. So had an event truly happened if it was all just "in your head"? Aren't our senses ignited by our brain? So why then?
Fucking dammit.
Conscience reality, although comforting is jack shit if you ought to actually do it now.
Just earlier while washing dishes I thought about "expressing my thoughts onto paper" for the sake of my sanity to maintain its composure against my anxiety.
I should stop cursing.
Although it could be a "reactionary relief" as Viisauce prolly put it, I don't think it's much of a positive thing either.
I always tell off my thoughts in real life. Which worked, but it's only filler action if my self doubts and negative reminiscence only keep coming back for more. I was afraid I would waste paper if I wrote, or storage if I typed, because I know I could just sort these thoughts in my head if I tried. But there's a difference between reality and conscience reality. And crossing that bridge ultimately affects both worlds. "What should I do?" is always a question. "Keep going. Keep moving" is always an answer. It's so simple. It's so complicated.
Announcing to myself that I'd do this and that; what's the point if I don't even finish them?
And what's the point of doing this and that if I don't even encourage myself to?
What do I want to do? I'd put a list of things.
They'll either add up but only get rid off after a forever.
Still, I'd have to "try", right?
Fine.
I'd like to write novels, stories, books.
I'd like to draw comics, illustrations, and animations.
I'd like to sing my songs, covers; voice act, narrate, and socialize.
I'd like to dance.
I'd like to change myself and the world for the better, or at least encourage it.
I'd like to be significant.
We're getting too abstract here....
What's the point of typing all that?
I don't have to feel anything. I just have to "do".
Even if it's all in my head, there's still an underlying need to transfer those thoughts into movements to reality. Only then will it be "real", is that what this is supposed to mean?
I hate that I feel nothing.
I hate that I don't mind.
I don't mind that I hate myself.
I don't mind that I don't know.
I don't know why I don't mind.
I don't mind that I don't care.
I was supposed to write the [redacted]. Where [redacted] gets [redacted] from a [redacted]: [redacted].
What does she teach? Am I procrastinating?
I haven't written any new words for nearly a week now.
I'm also drawing for a comedic animation for my U2be channel starring my [redacted] and the Berzerk opening.
I also planned on a progressive political essay comparing the meanings of two parties—which recently included a rap solo on top of its animation by me after listening to a phenomenal "lofi" beat.
I must be doing so many things.
I don't mind. I don't like it. I don't hate it. I don't love myself. I don't hate myself either. I'm the person I love the most in the world. I'm also the person I hate the most in the world.
What even is my problem?
I like chasing after my passions. It is a bit troubling I have so many. It's troubling I have the ability to do more. So now I have to do them.
It's troubling.
Should I be saying that? I'm not convincing myself it's troubling. I'm just saying it like it is.
Is it good to feel neutral all the time?
I don't want to bother any philosophical answers anymore.
What should I do next?
I might be overwhelming myself.
I don't have to edit this journal entry.
I don't have to read back. There isn't really a need.
I see this as a part of a book, one of many.
But fucking hell, don't bother reading back it's just a thought dump to clear your head.
Bother revisiting these thoughts and it's a waste of time when you could be doing your work.
Fuck school, let's not talk about that right now.
Whatever, I know you finished all your school work, except mostly Math, but school isn't my entire life so bugger off.
I should just stop.
Writing the novel right now?
Draw visuals for animation?
I want to sleep.
It's 2 already...
I'm picking ciesta.
Let's worry later and rest fucking now.