Chapter 3
"Hey, you alright?" Kimmy asked when I stepped out of her room.
I nodded, giving her a weak smile.
"Have some food," Kimmy gestured to the plates on the table and I gratefully sat down on one the seats to start digging in.
When I finished eating my food, I felt slightly better. The hammering of my head had dulled down to a slight throb and I don't feel nauseous as I did anymore.
Kimmy stayed silent and watched me as I ate, as if she was afraid I'd have another mental breakdown.
I gave her a smile to reassure her that I was better now.
"Don't worry too much. It was something that happened a long time ago." I told her, waving off her concerns. "It's just been a long time since I last thought about it, that's why I took it hard earlier. I'm okay, now."
I wasn't lying, I really did feel okay. I wasn't feeling my best but I was okay. The weight that clung onto me had become familiar once again and once I've adjusted myself to it, it was bearable.
I could tell that Kimmy had a lot of questions she wanted to ask me, and I didn't blame her. She was my closest friend and after having thought about it for the last hour, I figured that she had the right to know.
"We were best friends in middle school," I started to say, although she didn't ask.
Kimmy remained silent as I continued to tell her the story I've bottled up and buried deep in my mind.
"We had been in the same school since we were in kindergarten but it was only in middle school that we really talked. He had a crush on my best friend and asked me for some help and we became close friends. We talked every day, he was there for me and I was there for him. But we were kids. Eventually, our friends found out about how close we were and started to tease us. I would overreact and lose my shit at them for bringing up something so incredulous and say that I'd never consider being with him even if he did like me. I would call him names to make them think I didn't like him so that they would stop teasing us. I don't know why I did that but I know it must've hurt him. I was the one person he trusted most and I had hurt him with words I didn't mean." I played with my food as I kept on talking.
I knew if I raised my head and looked at Kimmy, I won't be able to continue the story.
"At one point, I guess he grew sick of how I'd overreact and we had a huge fight."
My mind flashed back to that day.
"I think we should stop being friends," He texted.
My mind was still warped around what my friend had said and all I could feel was irritation and annoyance over how these people can't mind their own businesses and leave us alone. I wasn't exactly thinking straight so when I read Alex's text, all I felt was the residual anger and annoyance that was directed at the nosy people around us.
"Fine, whatever." I texted back, my fingers hitting my phone's keyboard with a little more force than what was necessary.
After sitting there, unmoving, for another 15 minutes, I started to realize what just happened. When everything finally dawned on me, a kind of sadness I never knew I could feel settled in me.
I took my phone and opened our chat once again, typing meekly, "Remember that promise you made? That if you didn't want to be friends anymore, you'll tell me why?"
I hesitated before typing the next message bubble, "Why?"
I waited for a few minutes before his reply came in. "I don't like how you overreact at everything."
What was I supposed to reply to that? It wasn't his fault that I acted like a drama queen whenever people made fun of us.
All I could type up was an "Okay."
Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I saw in front of the mirror and stared at the girl looking back at me.
Was I really her?
Where was that glow I usually have around me?
Where was that smile?
No, this sadness wasn't one that I could get rid of with a few tears.
The sadness I felt afterwards was the kind of sadness that drew on for years to come. It was the sadness that makes everything reminder of him. It was the sadness that made you smile at a memory and then heavy because of it.
Because you know that's all it's gonna be. A memory.
"So that was it?" Kimmy asked.
I shook my head. "That's half of the story."
"After we stopped talking, I had changed into a completely different person and everyone but me noticed."
"Em, are you okay?" Flo asked.
I turned to look at her, "Hmm?"
It took me a few seconds to process what she said. That, too, was something that had started to occur frequently. My mind had become slower at processing things.
"Yeah, of course. Why?" I asked her curiously. I didn't think I did anything that would cause her to worry.
"No, I just.. You look different ever since you stopped being close with Alex. You look like a depressed person." She finally blurted out.
That hit me.
Did I really look like that?
"By that point, the sadness was an old companion that had loyally stuck by my side. It was like a heavy necklace that I had gotten used to wearing. The weight didn't bother me anymore and I had even forgotten I was wearing it." I explained to Kimmy.
"I had an aunt that would always remind me to smile but for some reason, it was really hard. Smiling felt difficult to me." I shrugged.
I could feel the look of sympathy Kimmy sent my way as she reached out and grabbed my hand.
I gave her a small smile before continuing on with the story.
"Half a year passed and he had gotten together with my best friend. I was happy for them and my best friend knew what I've done to help him win her over so she tried to "repay" me. She got Alex to give me another chance at being his friend and so Alex and I became friends again. But he and my best friend eventually broke up and I helped him get through it." I smiled at the memory, like I always have.
"He'd make me stay up late to keep him company because he was lonely and ring me up in the morning because of the same reason. I made sure not to let history repeat itself and kept my cool the second time around, thinking that we'll be able to keep our friendship that way."
"But I was wrong."
Just like that, the memory turned bitter again, and I had to fight my habitual urge to shut it out.
"We drifted apart at the end of middle school. The boy that never kept anything from me started lying. Long story short, I couldn't trust him anymore and it just didn't work out." I shrugged, trying to make light of it.
It's happened 4 years ago, Em. Get over it.
Silence blanketed the room as we just sat there and let everything sink in.
"You loved him." Kimmy said after a while.
That snapped my attention. I looked at her.
"Huh? Yeah, of course I loved him. He was like a brother to me," I told her.
Kimmy shook her head, "No, I mean you 'loved loved' him."
I tilted my head at what she said and considered the possibility.
Did I?
I shook my head, "Honestly, I was so focused in trying to make the friendship last and not fucking up that I didn't allow myself to consider that possibility. I locked my emotions up in a cage and threw the keys away." I looked at Kimmy and smiled. "In the end, I got so confused with my feelings that I didn't know what's what anymore. I didn't allow myself to feel because I didn't want to lose him. Now, I'm a mess that is a stranger to her own heart."
"Oh, Em." Kimmy had a sad look in her eyes.
"I don't know what you had felt but it sounded like you did love him. I have never seen you get so down over anything before but one mention of him had you locking yourself in the room and wanting to be alone." Kimmy pointed out.
I guess that's a good point.
"Well, if I did love him then I guess he was my first love." I sighed, stabbing my food with a fork and shoving it in my mouth.
What a way to end a first love.