I knew everything would end one day
But not this way;
Those memories, those hangouts, those days, those nights
If I knew things would be this way
I would have kept more of them.
A million words don't bring back the time that passed
Neither a million tears
I know, because I tried..
Everybody says it is not my fault, even I know but my heart wouldn't let go of the dark memories.
So now, I am only left with one way to bring back everything; those days, those hangouts, those days, those nights:
THE DEEP SLEEP...âŠ. But it is not easyâŠ..
I was sauntering along the corridor, my face down, not daring to look at everybody's scornful eyes, not wanting to make the most expecting figures. As expected but not wanted, I felt my left wrist being clenched and my hair being pulled. I growled. It no other than Mark, Juliet and Sana. As Sana held me mercilessly, Mark and Juliet did their ordinary morning routine of welcoming me..... warmly. Mark grinned as Juliet slapped my right cheek. Everyone in the corridor guffawed. My vision got blurry with tears. "Five minutes left! Let's go or else will be late. We deal with this nerd later." Said Mark pulling his red sweatshirt down. They left leaving me in tears. Slowly all the crowd in the area disappeared and went to their classes. No one ever cared, the whole school just gossiped and chortled every time I passed by them.
I was not in the mood to attend the first class even if it was my favourite. I just ran to girls' toilet and burst into tears. I was just done with my life. "I miss you all so much. Please come back! Look, I am in pain, you can't see me cry so please come back. I wailed remembering the four angles of my life.
"The saddest part of life is
When the people who give you the best memories,
Become a memory"( copied)
I missed them so badly, every single moment. I could overcome the consequences, I was brave, I just needed some time, like everybody else; but when some devils around you suffocate you every single second you just can't do anything but to question your whole existence.
"Can I please turn back time? Or can I just die?" I used to ask God(sadly no answers)
After about 15 minutes, I struggled to breathe in between my extreme tears. I stood up with great difficulty with the help of the marble counter and looked at the clear mirror with my burning and itchy eyes. My eyes were hot red and swollen and puffy. My lips were swollen as well, they looked as if I had eaten nine chillies. My nose was running. "Arghh! I hate myself," I yowled and washed my face and wiped it with a paper towel. I looked slightly better but there was a huge blop of red of my right cheek where Juliet had slapped earlier. I went to the playground. "I will attend the second lesson as I will feel better," I muttered to myself. "And who gave you the permission to do that huh?" I flinched as I heard a low, deep and sarcastic voice. I turned to face the owner of the voice, Mark. "W-what ar-re you d-doing here?" My voice cracked as I spoke. "Well, looks like the git has learnt to ask questions!" vociferated Mark. "And you know what is the answer to this?" he continued as he punched my nose really hard. It ached so badly, I covered my nose with my hand and tears gathered in my eyes. Mark left while tittering. "Huhh, you'll all soon regret everything and beg for forgiveness and look for me everywhere but it will be too late," I uttered with a sad smile on my face.
I suddenly noticed that my nose was bleeding, I rushed towards the girls' toilet and rinsed it well. After that I flurried towards my second lesson. As I entered the class, I saw the smirking faces of Mark, Sana and Juliet. Sana is a pretty and innocent-looking girl. She is one of the girls you see on TV as actresses(because she is good at hiding her evil self by her innocent mask. A great drama queen). Juliet is the total opposite, she is like a circus mentor and Mark is the tamed elephant and Sana the old owner of this street circus. Mark and Sana have blonde hair whereas Juliet has dark brown hair. She has sharp visuals.
To sum up, their outer beauty is nothing compared to their inner ugliness.
I rolled my eyes at them and in the front seat of the class. "Where were you in the first lesson?" Juliet questioned while trying to control her grin. "I-I was u-umm..m it's âit's none of your business," I blurted out with all my courage. Sana and Mark raised their eyebrows but Juliet beamed from ear to ear with burning, fierce eyes. I gulped nervously. Juliet grabbed my hair vigorously (which was her favourite thing to do) forcing me to look at her. She held my chin with great force. "You idiot! You are nothing without your futile friends, so you better mind your own business, you weak slug!" Juliet bellowed. The whole class jested. "T-this is what I do, I always mind my own business but you guys never let me!!" I yelled. There was an uncomfortable and thick atmosphere with three angry gazes at me. Mark opened his eyes to say something but luckily the teacher entered the class.
"Jennie darling, are you ok?" The teacher asked covering her chest with her hand dramatically after seeing my red cheek, messy hair and swollen eyes. "Ye-" I was about to answer when the teacher interrupted. "No honey, you really need some rest. Please Sana take her to the school office and it would be too nice if you can also walk her home." "Sure," Sana said while gritting her teeth. Without letting me utter a word she pulled me out gently. "Huh! You can't just fix yourself? You ugly brat. I wish you die while going home." Sana spluttered then handed my a very little amount of money. "Just because of the teacher not that I care about your funny bruises. Now just take a painkiller and get lost, I am not walking you home. I cannot just waste my time. And now get going, shoo shoo!" she said sarcastically gesturing her hands towards the exit. I left.
As I was walking home, I remembered what Juliet had said before. All those words replayed in my mind like a film reel. She was right, I was really useless and nothing with my graceful friends. And I know they aren't there but I always feel their warmth.
"Best friends are just like stars
Even if you don't see them,
You know that they are always there" (copied)
When I used to feel lonely or depressed, they always used to help me or console me but now, everything is not the same. After my father left us, my mom just changed, that was the end of our happy family. I just yearned for my friends. Lisa, Jonathan, Travis, and Jimmy. My life was a lot better back then but now it is just a mess! Now I think it is time to clear the mess by one mysterious and dangerous enchantment I ownâŠ. I had enough. See you soon friends!
I was walking with my aching head because of overthinking and crying. I just wanted to run away. Wishing my mom has not arrived yet, I opened the front door with the extra keys I have. Luckily my mom wasn't there but she was also not here at night. It was normal for me as she has done that before. When she is anxious or depressed(as usual) she just sleeps under an oak tree in the old park where my dad and my mom met for the first time. Out of tiredness, I threw myself on the bed, thinking hard on the decision I made before. I had no idea about it.
I had only heard about it from my grandmother(My mother's mommy). I was every attached to her, more than my mom or dad. But now she just left me like my friends. "Should I? or no?" this kept wandering in my head. I dozed off. After about thirty minutes, somebody whispered in my ear. I was not sure whether I was dreaming or if this was the reality. If it was a dream, I didn't want to wake up. I wanted this person to keep whispering until my ear becomes numb. It was my late grandmother. "Do you think you can do this? I'm sure my brave granddaughter can. But dear have you ever dreamt before, I- I mean you'll surely handle- you can! Try your best. Remember what I used to tell you were young, look under my bed, the unbalanced tile. Go look for it if you have decided. Take care," she uttered in a low tone yet it was smug and comforting as always. I knew she wasn't there(as I just wanted it to happen so I dreamt about it) but I felt her lovely warmth, I felt her caressing my hair and I felt her luke-warm breath on my eyes. I didn't open my eyes, wondering if this all could continue. Or was I thinking...
I opened my eyes after a while. 'no way! This was only my imagination,' I shouted in my head. 'Of course, she is DEAD!' another voice squealed inside me. As I was debating with myself, I heard the front door click open. I hurried towards it. It was my mom. I don't know why but sudden tears filled my eyes. I blinked several times to keep them in. After a long time an emotion arose inside me, like my mother and my relationship was a little bit puzzled bit I loved her, the only reason I was and I knew she loved me back. We just didn't have time to sort things out. She was super anxious and worn out as if she would pass out anytime. "Hi, Jennie!" she said unconsciously like she was meeting me for the first time. At least she acknowledged my presence. I smiled painfully. She smelled horrible because of alcohol. I couldn't blame her. I knew she was stunned by dad's sudden action but I could tell her the truth which gave me an overwhelmed happiness yet sadness as well by just thinking how much my dad loved us. She just wouldn't believe me. Every time I would come up to her she would simply just cut me off by saying that she knew everything and didn't want to talk about her cheater husband and used to ask me to leave. I had no other option than to keep it all inside me⊠the truth untold
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 2017- 9:30
It was raining heavily. I parked my car on the right side of the street. I saw her smiling widely at me, but the pain under this cheerful mask was more visible than ever. She had a blue umbrella over her pretty but a little tired face. "Let's go," I said coldly gesturing my hand towards the car. She quietly sat beside me. "Umm..m Jordan, I didn't eat anything from the morning. Can we just stop s-" "No," I said flatly. She slowly nodded. As the street got narrower, I again parked my car and we started walking. She shared her umbrella with me but I pushed it away mildly. I let the rain pour on me, so I could hide my unwanted tears. She looked at me calmly and threw the umbrella away. We were both really wet. She then stopped, I turned to look at her, she was staring at the soaked park. This old park had numerous memories. We met here for the first time, we played here as childhood friends before she became my wife. Even our nine year old daughter, Jennie, learnt to walk here. "Can we just go there for a minute?" She pleaded with her puppy eyes. I stayed silent, I didn't want to repeat those memories but I still agreed. She quickly ran towards the big oak tree not caring about the mud, just like childhood, I smiled to myself. She spoke, "It is not there anymore," I wanted to kiss her cheeks because of her cuteness but I kept it in. she was talking about the scratching we did on this tree. We wrote: Mia and Jordan were here. "So can we leave now?" I said as she nodded. "So you made up the story of yours and that girl, right?" she investigated. "You know I don't lie," I snapped. We walked in silence for about fifteen minutes.
Actually I had cancer, I ignored it when it was curable but now I had only 2 weeks left. I made up some shitty story of me liking another girl which broke her heart into billions of fragments. This was the only way I could finish our lovely relationship of ten years. I knew it was foolish but just couldn't tell her the truth. After we reached the main road, I called a taxi. I opened the door for her still staying away. Before getting inside, she lastly looked at me with puppy eyes filled with tears hoping I would stop her, but I didn't even look at her. The I finally closed the door, the door which will now separate us forever. The taxi was similar to the car I brought her to my home after marriage. Tears rolled down my cheeks and got mixed with the rain. I wanted to ask her to stay, I wanted to tell her a lot, I wanted to embrace my daughter like no tomorrow, I wanted to stare at Mia's diamond-like face forever but the taxi had already vanished out of sight. I finally said goodbye to the love of my life and my life ended before dying.
Jennie and Mia, don't forget
I will always love you, I am sorry I can never be a good husband or dad. But I love you
I know you guys are angryâŠ..
TAKE CARE!
____________________________________
This is what I read in my dad's hidden diary one year after he left. Oh!! I wish I could save him. My poor dad. I cried hard until my tears started to suffocate me. This was crazy dad, you could have told us, do mom and I don't deserve to be told! But I love you dad, I know you did it all for us. I hope you are having a great time up there. May you rest in peace.
Then, I suddenly remembered what my grandmother had told me. Hardly believe myself, I went upstairs in the only room which was there, my grandma's room. I opened the door, it creaked. As I went inside I smelt my grandmother's fragrance. It was lavish. I rushed to her bed and hugged her pillow for several minutes. After when I realized why I was here, I glanced under the bed (the unbalanced tile meant the broken tile. My grandma had told me. Once looking if my mom was here or no I quietly removed the tile. There was a rusty metal under it. I went nearer, it was a box. With great difficulty, I took it out. It was a small, square and a purple couloured box. When I closely examined it, there was nothing written on it. I opened it and found a letter on a rather yellowish and torn piece of paper. Something was scrambled on it with red ink:
THE DEEP SLEEP
This my dear, has this name because it can make you travel back in time but only if you focus on the time and place an incident happened or else it can
cause death. I believe you. I read you stories related to his in childhood. I know Jennie, you will be the only one to find it out. So best of luck!
this for sure was my grandmother's handwriting. Deep down I was a little scared but I really wanted my friends and my dad back NO MATTER WHAT! I don't care if I die, I believed in myself. With trembling hands I put the letter inside the old box lastly checking if anything else was there. It was empty. I secretly carried the box downstairs and placed it in another box where I put my dad's diary and hid it under my bed. I went to the kitchen and made my mother some lemonade, fried egg and two slices of bread. I carried it to her room where she was sitting looking extremely pale, weak and miserable. I smiled warmly and put the tray on the bed. She mouthed thank you. I turned to leave and after finishing my homework I laid on my bed. I was exited but my stomach was lurching with fear. 'I could die! I mean what am I even living for, but mom⊠Just leave her she probably won't even notice' my brain thought. But I didn't care! I will try my best, it is worth a try. If I succeed, everything will be the same as before and my life will glow and pop like DYNAMITE!
Dear diary, if you feel lonely, then I am sorry but remember I will be enjoying with my friends and dad and grandmother in heaven. But let's hope for the best! I will try my best to think about the night when I bade a painful goodbye to my friends⊠GOOD NIGHT! 16-10-20
_____________________________
(My Mother's Point Of View)
This is what I found in my daughter's diary when she died in her sleepâŠ..
Can we bring back all those moments when we didn't care for people who deserved, when we turned our backs towards them thinking we are the only ones suffering. We become so blinded that people no longer tell us that happens or bothers them. . I am sorry Jennie for being a bad mom, I wish we could fight all our gloominess together. Am I that bad that my husband or daughter never told me their pain. Am I? Jordan honey, let's meet in another life. May you both rest in peace..