"Loving you is a losing game"
I was running away from our school and it's evening I remained running from everything and keeps running and running. I was alone and keeps running away from everyone.
My world changed when I heard the word "sorry" and is "gone" why is the world being cruel to me? Or is she just really doesn't love me? I keep doing things she wants, sacrificing my own happiness just for her, because for what I believe her happiness is also happiness but all along she just thinks of me as a friend.
Why does everyone keep leaving me? Why do they disappear before me? Why did I keep living after this?
As I keep running I found an abandoned building where none is in there. When I able to get into the abandoned place I started to look pale who don't know what to do. Everything was fine until I did a big mistake I gamble myself and lose everything and this what happens.
What a tragedy did I receive? What pain did I feel? Do I deserve this? God where are you? Do I really need to experience this? I did everything to be a good person in order to gain trust and to be loved but why? Why? Why?
I now already lost everything and nothing left to me. Everyone left me and there is nothing more reason for me to live. I already now lost my only purpose to live there is no one will cry for me. The world is cruel and unfair. There is no harmony in the universe. The only thing that is constant is suffering.
As I explore the abandoned building I saw a rope and a metal hanging in the ceiling I lost myself and started to imagine things, things in the past that I don't want to remember. I lost myself where I don't know why am I born in the first place. The bad things keeps going in my mind and started to decide what I really need to do.
The world is full of lies is pain the only thing I deserve? I wanted to be free from this world. Freedom is always I wanted yet I'm finally able to see it. I created a decision that is ending my life now, I started to tie the rope and hang it in the ceiling and I started to do it. I was now hanging in a rope where everything turning into pitch black. I'm finally be able to set free.
Suddenly a voice from the building shouted my name and keeps shouting it
"KANATA! WHERE ARE YOUUUU! DON'T DO IT"
Urghh what a pain in the ass, just get out I don't need anyone I'm finally being free.
I'm now seeing things but in know, this can't be true this must be a hallucination all of my dream fantasies are here, if this is real I really wanted to die right now. My world is turning white and they are now disappearing.
As I thought it was just a hallucination
I can't breathe is this finally my end? What's happening why is it turning black? Of course, I'm not going to heaven, it's a hell of course. Those shout again. Who's that shouting? I can't see it's just a pitch of black but from the voice, it's a girl but I can't recognize her voice my ears are now messing up. But why is she here I never said this to anyone.
I'm the only one here. There is no chance It can't be her she just rejected me she isn't going to comfort me for what I did to her and of course it can't also be her I just refused her I hurt her feelings there is no way she is going to follow me after that. If I didn't confess to her and remained as her friend this can't be happening now but she told me when we are kids she liked me, oh, of course, people change feelings just can't remain and it is a very very long time. And why did they just die and why now is it just a coincidence or the world just keeps messing with me.
A sound of an unknown voice suddenly appeared it is not the voice from before I don't know what is this but is sound in my head and it started to say something.
"Hey stop it, are you sure about doing this? You might regret it. I will regret it because I wasn't able to do something."
There is nothing inside me and who is this person saying something to me.
Who are you, why are you saying something to me?
There is no reply that came I don't know who is that but why that person trying to stop me and why he wasn't able to do just who the hell is that.
A sound of a girl is shouting again and again.
" Kanata stop what you're doing your going to die, "
I was trying to say something but I wasn't able to speak clearly."Stoooop, doooon't coommmmme neeeeeaaaar meeee aaaand dooooon't tryyy toooo stooooop meee caaan't you seeeee whaaat iii waaaas tryiiiiiing too dooo"
A sound of a girl keeps bugging me and tried to interrupt me but trying to cut the rope.
"Wait I'm going to cut the rop-". She keeps saying something and try to stop me, just who the hell is she.
I keep saying something clearly but I don't know but I was able to say to speak clearly in the end. "JU….ST GE…T TH...E HELL OUT OF HERE I DON'T NEED ANY ON"
As I imagine things I started feels empty and happy and saying "don't worry I'm finally going to see guys now after all I'm being free now"
The girl keeps bugging me and she tried to get the chair and tried to cut the rope.
I pushed the girl that is approaching me and now no one is approaching I can't breathe….. I'm finally being free from the world. Wait I can see but why I see it my soul is leaving my body I was to see but I can't distinguish that person who is trying to stop me I can't see her fair all I can see is her physical body and she wear a school uniform and wait her hair, her hair is short don't tell me she Is----.
I woke up in a place that there is nothing. Suddenly I was here in a place that is plain white there is nothing here am I really dead? Is this heaven but it's totally empty all I can see is an empty place and a person wearing white cloak and I called it as the white guy. And a white guy started to approach me.
A white guy approached me but as I look at him I see no face there is nothing he is an entity from somewhere.
"Hey, where am I? Why I'm here and who are you are you the god?" I asked the white guy and I started to bewildered about everything.
I was confused about what is happening I am supposed to go somewhere else but I can't just question myself and I started to question the white guy.
"one question at a time please and I'm not a god and it's all….. never mind" the white guy answered.
"Okay okay, where am I?"
"You are in the void of nothingness, that's why there is nothing." the white guys answered.
I wondered and answered "what's that I never heard of that? You are joking right?"
"No I'm not but perhaps this not real" and he replied.
And I keep wondering what is happening and keeps questioning and I questioned him again, "but I'm dead I was supposed to go somewhere else right? Like heaven or hell? Or don't tell this purgatory right?"
"No it's not as I told you it is void of nothingness" and he replied
My head is still wondering and extremely puzzled because for what I thought I was dead and I asked him this "let me confirm something I'm dead right?"
He kept answering my question "that is something I can't tell you"
He is answering my question but why can't he tell that. Why doesn't he say something more clearly and specifically?
"And now what will happen to me?" I asked.
As I ask him where I'm going he answered: "you are going on a journey that you always wanted to place you can find what you wanted peace, freedom, and love but you are going to lose your memories and the day will come and everything will snap back to reality".
"What do you mean by that? I am going to some other world? Or I will be reincarnated?"
"I can't really explain everything properly right now, but don't worry well meet again….. Soon"
For the last moment I saw his lips for a second saying something surprisingly nothing came to my ear. I wasn't able to hear what he is saying. Maybe it isn't important. I wonder what he saw said but… forget it.
"I'm sorry but I will do everything I can"
I don't know what he is talking about but this what I always wanted to go to somewhere else that can give anything that I wanted.