Chapter 2
I sit in my study room at home, reading a crime novel. The story line is strong, but
then as I am still reading; my mind looses focus and strays to a memory that's been
haunting me for a very long time. A memory that has been disturbing my sleeping
patterns and shortening my concentration span~ the kiss. Whenever I think about
the kiss, my hand involuntarily goes straight to my lips and from my brain, a
thousand questions spring up....was it a mistake?..Was it intentional?...am I falling
for him...do I like him?....does he like me back?....wont I a make a grave mistake by
fueling such a relationship with a fellow colleague.... why has he been avoiding me
of late?....does he regret it?.
The list of questions is endless and my brain has found absolutely no answer to
them. Even the questions that are pertaining to me. There is absolutely no answer.
I again resume my reading. One glance at the watch shows me that my reading
time is over and so I have to resume my marking. I close the novel, after putting the
book marker on my last page and I start marking the manuscripts of the previous
assignment. Most of the students are doing relatively well but then they are still
some loopholes in their answering techniques, which scores them, substandard
marks.....the memory of the kiss kicks in again and my hand strays to my lips once
again! Damn, what on earth is happening to me? I have been imagining this kiss
for two very long weeks, on each and every day of the week! What is wrong with
me? I really need to get this thing off my mind. I try very hard to block the memory
and for about half an hour, I am penning down every wrong that these students are
writing and again the memory kicks in again! I open one of the drawers and i take
out my cigarette and cigarette lighter. I light the cigarette and I puff my problems
away with my eyes closed, whilst I let the nicotine communicate with my body.
Smoking helps to keep my mind together but I rarely do it, unless I have a very big
problem at hand. When the cigarette burns down to only a stub, I put it off and I
resume my work of marking the assignments. Eleven o'clock sharp, I have finished
marking my last paper. I pack the manuscripts into the box file and I clear the
things on my study desk and after that I make my way to my bedroom, where i
brush my teeth, remove the numerous pins on my head and I take a shower. After
the shower, I lotion my body and I change into a comfortable nightdress and after
that I say my prayer and I retire to bed.
I lock up my office soon after having one of the longest consultations with the
students. I am heading out for a lunch break. I also need to have some fresh air
and to stretch my feet a bit....
"Professor Red." A masculine voice says behind me. I turn back to find Thomas,
standing behind me, his hands buried in his pockets.
"Good day Mr Shoko." I say. Using a professional approach to attack this issue. I
might be conjuring up silly ideas yet the matter at hand is something else.
"Are you going out?" he questions. His eyebrow arched upwards.
"Yes, why?" I question.
"Can you spare a minute? I want us to talk about something." He says and my
heart races in fear. I unlock my office door and I gesture him inside and he enters
and I close the door behind me.
"yes?" I question, faking confusion of the matter at hand, which I clearly am aware
of but then, I don't want to play this game that easily. There is a thick silence in
the room and finally Thomas turns to me and faces me. Fear and uncertainty is
written all over his oily face. He exhales audibly and finally he says:
"About the other day.....I don't know how to put this across but then I really don't
regret the kiss that happened on the other day and I hope you don't regret it....the
thing is I like you. I like you so much I even fantasize about you when I am home.
You are always on my mind, painting beautiful memories in my head and making
my heart long for you even more. Let's hope the feeling is mutual...as
unprofessional as this sounds.....let's not let this beautiful chemistry go loose."
Thomas says and this time, he has removed his hands from his pockets and he is
nervously toying with his cuff-links.
My throat runs dry and words don't foam in my brain. My heart drills through my
ribs but in the exterior, I try to stay as calm as possible. And then the killer
question surfaces from the back of my head~ is he strong enough to handle me?
Most men are usually too weak or intolerant of my characteristics and the
relationships crush even before they take off..... I raise my eyes to look him in the
eyes.
"Will you be strong enough to handle the heat of dating a whole woman?" I ask.
"I am more than strong for this." He responds as he approaches me and he puts his
arm on my waist and he pulls me to himself. We are standing so close to each other
such that i can feel his chest heaving with every breath he draws into his lungs.
His heart is beating so fast and so is mine. He looks into my eyes and I drop my
gaze. He uses his free hand to raise my chin, such that my face is staring right at
him and he stills a kiss. A slow passionate kiss, on me that depicts a starved
person. An individual who has been forever waiting for this moment. I can feel my
strength sipping away...And the tarred road came to a dead end and in its place,
stones, fine sand and gravel indicated the beginning of a dusty road. He has been
warned more than twice but in his stubbornness, he carried on.
...it's been a full month and the relationship is running smoothly. Today is a
Friday. We are supposed to be having a half day but here i am , sitting on this
three sitter sofa, laughing my lungs out with Thomas. For the past month, he has
been a daily dosage. He sweet messages before I retire to bed and he sends some in
the morning. The time that we spend together in the interior of the four walls of my
office is epic. That's why I don't mind sacrificing my time to spend quality time with
him....right now he is telling me stories about his childhood. Most of the stories
seem too dramatic to be true, regarding the fact that he was born in a strict family.
I continue to laugh at the exaggerated humor that he dishing out mercilessly.
Cant he have mercy on my poor lungs....suddenly there is silence in the room. A
brief awkward silence. We both look at each other straight in the eyes. Our eyes
communicating a thousand words that our lips can't seem to say. He places his
hand on my knee and he looks at my face as if for approval and I lightly node my
head, giving him permission. His hand slowly slides on my skin, heading for the
opening of the dress that I am wearing. I shift uncomfortably on the sofa as his
hand moves further into my dress, caressing my skin. Awakening, an underlying
fire that fuels an appetite that had been starved for nine good years.... chills run
down my spine and my heart accelerates its pace, my breathing becomes heavy, my
hairs stand on their ends and goose bumps cover my skin as his hand moves
further into my dress. I bit my lower lip but the building storm gets me moaning
lightly. When Thomas's hand gets to my woman hood, I bite my lip harder and
I close my eyes in the process, I shiver involuntarily. Thomas then lifts me up from
my sitting position and he places me on his lap, I facing him, our foreheads leaning
on each other and his cold lips collide intentionally with mine, worsening the
longing I have inside. One of his free hands lowers my lace underwear, in the
process causing my desire for him to spike. He pushes me upwards and he unzips
his trousers and he takes out his rigid joystick. He guides it to my womanhood and
its head teases me. I put my hands on his shoulders and he puts his hand on my
waist and lowers me slowly onto his joystick and gasp for air as I feel the rigid flesh
entering me. He makes me move up and down and as I build up to my climax, I
throw my head back, in the process exposing my throat and Thomas decides to
attack it with his mouth. I moan louder in pleasure, my hands move from his
shoulders to his head and I hold it tightly as pleasure ripples through my body and
finally, i reach an orgasm. Thomas goes on and on, his energy never seizing. He
unzips my dress from behind and undoes my bra, letting my succulent breasts out
and his mouth seizes them. He sucks on them, vacillating from one breast to the
other making me moan louder. His grip tightens on my waist and suddenly he
tenses, at the same time, my second orgasm strikes. I toss my head backwards in
pleasure. We sit like this for some time, our sweaty foreheads leaning against each
other and my back arched backwards. Busking in the afterglow of love making.
It's been another two weeks and we have been loving and romancing like little
experimental teenagers, who are high with growth hormones. Thomas walks into
my office without knocking, that's how comfortable he has become. His hands are
still buried in his pockets, a habit I have failed to extinguish from him. He greets
me with a kiss and after that he settles on the empty chair at the other side of my
desk. We host a silly flirting conversation and finally he breaks into the news of the
day
"look, Red. I will be leaving tomorrow for a trip with the students. It's supposed to
last for about two weeks." Thomas says.
"And you are leaving me behind, that's so unfair!!" I sulk childishly.
"As much as I don't want to, duty calls." He says to me.
"I will miss you beyond the description of words" I say as I stand up from my desk,
heading towards him. He takes my hands into his and pulls me closer to his body
and he kisses me briefly.
"Let's have one last session as my send off" Thomas says to me. I smile from ear to
knowing very well what I am gearing up for. The action always starts with his hand
wandering up my dress.... and it usually ends in silence, our hands locked to each
other, our sweaty foreheads leaning on each other. I really hope that this thing
shall never come to an end. It's starting to shape my life for the better but the only
problem is that we still don't know each other I know that it's strange but then,
Thomas has to do a little more than just being a fuck boy and a humorous boy
friend for me to let him into my private life. I have to be sure that he is the one for
me.
On the following day when Thomas, a team of students and a number of lecturers
depart for some educational trip, i delay on purpose. I hate saying goodbye and so
its best i avoid it. I even switch on my cell phone for the whole morning to avoid his
calls or messages from getting through to me. I arrive at the university at around
about half past ten and since i don't have lectures in the morning, i go straight to
my office where i busy myself. There is a soft knock on the door and i tell the
person at the door to enter. The University receptionist enters, dressed in a black
two piece suit, black stockings and black pointed heels. This girl wears one of the
best smiles and she conducts herself so professionally, one would swear she was
one of the highly educated lectures.
"Good morning professor Red." He says as she enters the room.
"Good morning Chiedza, how are you?" i respond.
"The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and God is watching, what could
possibly go wrong? Look, there was a woman looking for you about thirty minutes
ago, she left this letter for you." Chiedza says as she hands me the letter.
"What woman?" I ask in confusion.
"She didn't say her name or where she is coming from. She just said we should give
you this letter as soon as you arrived." Chiedza says.
"Okay, thank you." I say to her.
"Welcome! Have a splendid day." She says as she walks away.
"Same to you dear" i say to her as she walks away. She closes the door after her. I
look at the letter and it's only written-'Professor Red. Economics.'..curiosity gets
the best of me and so, i open the envelope. Inside the envelope is a letter. The letter
reads
"Dear Professor Red.
I really don't know what to say or how to say it but it just has to be said.
First things first, Thomas Shoko is a married man and he is my husband.
We have been married for seven years. We have been trying to have
children for the past seven years but it's been absolutely to no avail. We
consulted doctors, pastors and traditional healers but everything always
hit a dead end. The problem has brought vast marital strains in our lives
and I think that's why Thomas has opted to kindle a relationship with
you. With his previous affairs it never lasted this long. I thought you were
one of the regular women that he would spend a night or a two with but
then things took a different twist with you. You are in his mind and your
name easily rolls from his lips even in his sleep. And this time he chose
you, a woman, I can never compete with, not now and not in a million
years. You are every man's fantasy.
Please, I beg you to let go of the relationship with Thomas alone. He is a
married man and married as he is, we are still trying for a baby. I don't
want to leave Thomas but with you in the picture he might leave me. I
have been trying by all means to be the best woman he can get but then
our lack of children stands a barrier. It's painful to never be enough to
your spouse. You are a woman and I am sure you understand the pain of
losing your lover to another woman, worse off whilst facing the
possibilities of bareness at hand. It's painful and it eats at you such that
you fail to concentrate even in your work, you fail to sleep at night and
above all, you fail to eat. I am sure you think I am a selfish woman, who
doesn't want her husband to be happy when he gets a child but then, I am
a woman. This will never sit well with me. Professor Red please, I beg of
you, don't wreck my marriage please. I need it more than it needs me.
Thomas is the center of my universe and no star will ever shine brighter
than him in my eyes.
I hope you find it in your heart to let go. I wish you the best in life and
my God bless the work of hands and that of your mind. Let him guide you
to the light and show you the right path and accord you a significant
other.
Your worried, pleading and desperate fellow sister in Christ
Mrs Medline Shoko."
After reading the letter, tears well up my in eyes and a thick lump develops in my
throat. It's making it hard to breathe. I stand up and walk to the window, trying to
block the tears in my eyes but with each memory of Thomas, the tears build up,
tickle my eyes and then finally get the best of me. The tears fall down my eyes and
my throat tightens. I stand right in front of the open window gasping for some air
so as to calm down but it's to no avail. Strength seeps away from my body and I
walk away from the window and I go and sit at my three sitter sofa. I bury my face
in my hands and I wail in pain. The pain ripples through me and my conscience
scolds me mercilessly in the process fueling more tears.... one thing for sure, I am
not crying because of what Thomas' wife said but I am crying for my wasted time.
Thomas toyed with my heart, he slept with me, fondled and fornicated me yet he
knew he was playing me all along. I am not going to forgive him for this. Not now
not ever!
I cry until, I feel light headed and nausea. I also have a strong headache that
makes my head pound. I stand up slowly and walk into the bathroom in my office
where I wash my face but then the nausea gets the best of me. I feel like vomiting. I
drink water to suppress the feeling but it's to no avail. I end up vomiting
mercilessly. By the time I am done, my abdominal muscles are painful. I rinse my
mouth and I go and sit at my desk, balancing my head with my palms. The tears
sting my eyes and they fall down involuntarily, even though I try to suppress them.
My nose is blocked already. There is a big ball of emotion in my throat that makes
it painful and dry. No matter the amount of saliva I swallow, the ball of emotion
does not move.
I reach out for my drawer and I take out a packet of cigarettes and a cigarette
lighter. I light my cigarette and I puff away my problems. I stand up, plug my
electric kettle and wait for the water to boil. In the meantime, I switch on the stereo
in the office and I listen to some soul music. I prefer Jill Scott. I pace around the
office, thinking about how stupid I am.My conscience scolds at me mercilessly and
I constantly break into tears. So much for being 'in love'. After smoking my
third cigarette, that's when I noticed that the water has boiled till the kettle
switched itself off.
I make myself a strong cup of tea and I open my bottom drawer, at the bottom left
corner is a small flask that has vodka, I add the vodka to the tea. It always helps
me to stay calm down and right now, I really need to get my house in order because
I have a lecture at in thirty minutes time. I put in more vodka than tea. I sip the tea
slowly and I can feel the vodka kicking in slowly. This remedy always works for me.
After the tea is finished, I ignite another cigarette and I smoke it slowly. Looking at
the time, I realize that my beginning of my lecture is now approaching; I put out
the cigarette, what's left of it. I go to the bathroom in my office and I rinse my
mouth with mouth wash, I put on more lipstick, lotion my face, add more perfume
and after that I collect my things and I head straight to the lecture hall.
The days rippled away and as the day got by, I regained my self-composure and I
accepted the fact that I had been played by a desperate married man who made me
his little sex toy. Just that solitary time made me realize the sin that i had made. I
really felt dirty and I blamed myself for being the Jezebel that tempted a married
man. The guilt was eating at me so much that I turned to the Lord more than ever.
I prayed for forgiveness and strength to carry on after this ordeal. The strength to
ward away the memories that i had made with Thomas and above all, strength to
put him at the back of my head and move on.I constantly read the word of God. I
couldn't propel myself to reach out to the other church members in fear of being
judged. For in a church, before they assist you, they first judge you, forgetting that
we all fall victim of sin and the one who came forth and confessed their sin is being
true to themselves and is willing to correct the wrong that they have done.
Today is a Tuesday and I am sitting with Vimbai in her office. Both of us silent.
Thinking of ways to execute our game plans in order to beat the other player in the
game. Vimbai moves a chess piece and she says:
"You have been distant lately, what seems to be the problem?" her face looking
straight at the chess board. The question catches me off guard, such that the hand
that was moving towards the chess board stops at mid-air and I look at her in
amusement. The first question that comes to mind is-what does she know?
"Carry on with the game. We can make conversation even though we are playing"
she responds. Her eyes still glued on the chess board. I exhale audibly and i move
my chess piece from one position to the other.
"Nothing is the problem. Everything is fine" I respond.
"You are fooling no one with that statement. Red, I know you like the back of my
hand. I know when something is wrong, especially when its matters of the heart."
Vimbai says to me as her hand moves another piece on the chess board. My heart
beats wildly as soon as she mentions something about matters of the heart.
"Vimbai, you are just blowing things out of proportion. I am fine" i respond.
"Check mate!" Vimbai says and she raises her eyes from the chess board, straight
to me. I exhale tiredly. This has been my tenth defeat in this game.
"Choose a place and a meal." I say to Vimbai as I grab my purse, preparing for the
departure.
"It's not part of my game plan to kick the dog when it's down. I want to enjoy
spending your money when you are in high spirits. So today, I will be paying and
we are going to our usual spot." Vimbai says as she stands up, walks up to her
desk, takes her hand bag, wears her jersey which is hanged neatly behind her
chair. She changes into comfortable flat shoes and after that we depart. Today we
are using her car. She is playing Oliver Mtukudzi's songs and she is singing along
to them.
We arrive at the coffee shop, we settle at the back of the shop since the weather
outside is a bit cold. We order the usual and we eat in silence. I am staring outside
the window, not listening to what is being said by Vimbai. As I am still staring out
of the window, her palm comes over my hand and I turn my face to look at her. My
nose itches and tears form in my eyes and tickle them. The lump of emotions
blocks my throat. When i try to swallow it, the tears fall from my eyes and i Vimbai
gives me a tissue to wipe the tears off. We sit silently as i try to calm down and
when i finally do. Vimbai starts the conversation
"Tell me about him. Because I know it's a man" she says as she sips her tea. I sigh,
trying to summon the strength to expose my infidelity with a married man.
"It's Thomas Shoko. He played me, worse off he is a married man but he sold me
fake dreams." I say to her.
"Was it a sexual relationship?" Vimbai asks as she sips her tea.
"yes." I respond. There is silence in at the table. Silence that makes me so
uncomfortable that I end up toying with my slice of cake using a fork. Vimbai
clears her throat and says:
"How long has this relationship been going on?"
"For a month and some weeks." I respond, with my face still looking down at my
cake.
"Since he is a married man, I think you should just drop everything and forget
about him. He is bad news.....wait, how did you get to know that he is a married
man because one thing for sure, he does not wear a ring." Vimbai asks.
"His wife wrote me a letter. This letter" i say as i take it out of my hand bag and i
hand it to Vimbai. Vimbai takes the letter, takes out her spectacles and starts to
read it, her face expressionless. After reading the letter she hands it back to me
and she sips her tea. She is seemingly thinking of something to say and finally she
says:
"End the relationship with Thomas and forget about him. He is bad news. I mean,
how could he hurt such a caring woman? And besides, he is too secretive, firstly he
masqueraded as an unmarried man just to get to you. He is being very unfair
because he is toying with you, without telling you what you are walking in to."
We discuss a number of things until at last I feel better. Talking to someone helps
an individual to let go of the pain and hurt. After talking to Vimbai, i feel much
stronger and renewed. I channel my energy back to my work and another week
starts.
Its early in the morning and I am preparing breakfast. Suddenly i feel nausea. I
drink some water to try and ease up nausea feeling that's building up. But it gets
stronger. I rush to the bathroom, where I vomit uncontrollably. My stomach
muscles are now painful. After this, I rinse my mouth with water and then with
mouth wash. I return to the kitchen and I resume the preparation of my breakfast.
As I am frying the eggs, their aroma seems to turn my insides upside down. I feel
nausea again and I rush to the toilet, where I vomit uncontrollably....what on
planet earth is wrong with me! After the vomiting has subsided, I rinse my mouth
with mouth wash and I go back to the kitchen, where I shelve the cooking and I
take instead, I eat some cereals. A look at my wrist watch tells me that I am
running late, so I decide to pack my sandwiches in my lunchbox and I grab a
banana, orange and an apple. I drive away. Before I go to the University, I divert my
route and I pass by town where I go straight to the pharmacy to buy two pregnancy
tests and other medicines to stabilize my stomach.
When I get to the university at nine o'clock, I rush to my office and there I use the
bathroom. I take the two pregnancy tests and I follow their instructions and I leave
them at the sink before dashing off to the lecture hall to start my lecture. I have a
series of back to back lectures until lunch. At lunch time, I rush to my office to
drop my things and after that, I go straight to the school of Hotel and Catering,
where Vimbai is waiting for me with a plate of millet sadza and cow hooves, my
favorite meal. The aroma of the cow hooves upsets my stomach and again the
nausea returns. I stand up from the quad table we are sitting at, holding my breath
to stop me from vomiting. The feeling subsides and so I take the plate and return it
to the kitchen. I then opt for a something light-mahewu.
"And what is happening to you?" Vimbai asks as I settle down.
"I can't keep anything down. In the morning i failed to eat anything solid. I had to
eat cereals. And now I can't keep anything down. Even my favorite meal! It's so
unfair." I sulk.
"When last did you have your last your period" Vimbai asks.
"Thinking of it, I haven't had one in a long time, but then I might be experiencing
early menopause, which explains the wan appetite and also this feeling I am
feeling."
"Or pregnancy." She says calmly, eyeing me skeptically. I laugh lightly.
"I am not pregnant." I protest weakly.
"I am just speculating. The main question I should be asking you is- where you
using protection when you where indulging?" Vimbai questions. And i look at her in
shock, my glass midway in the air...how stupid I tend to be when i am touched
by a man. I even failed to think about the chances to getting sexually transmitted
Infections and above all, HIV!
"What happens to all that education in your head? You must protect yourself
always!" Vimbai reprimands me. We talk at length and we finally agree that we
should get tested. I abort my afternoon lectures and I rush to the pharmacy to buy
an HIV test. From the pharmacy, I rush back to the university. In the isolation of
the four walls of my office, I follow the instructions on the test and after that i rush
back to the lecture hall and i conduct my last lecture of the day. From that lecture
hall, i walk straight into my office where i inspect the HIV test and luckily, it came
out negative, i went into the bathroom to take the pregnancy test and boom! I am
pregnant. Strength seeps out of legs and i feel weak, my head starts to feel dizzy
and light headed. I walk out of the bathroom and i heard straight for my desk
where i get a cigarette, which i light up and i smoke.
Its seven o'clock and i am still sitting on my three sitter sofa in my office, reviewing
my life which has taken a twist for worst in a matter of a month. I cannot afford to
keep this child because this is a married man's child and the coming of this child
will cause further strains in their marriage. After smoking a whole pack of
cigarettes and drinking all my vodka, I then find some strength and i start
collecting my staff and i walk out of my office. And i head to the car park, where
only a few cars are left. I get into the car and i drive away.
When i get home, i go straight to bed. I am so broken i can even find the strength to
change my clothes. I just kick off my high heels and i get under the covers. I
couldn't sleep. For about three hours, i laid awake, thinking about my life~ the life
of a thirty five year old Economics professor, brought down on its knees by love. My
conscience scolds me mercilessly. With each thought, my throat tightens and tears
form, condense and finally they fall. I wail, trying to ease up the pain I feel inside
but even after the crying, the pain is still clinging tightly to my heart. My head is
pounding and my nose is blocked. Tears have even stopped coming out and finally i
fall asleep.
I wake up at ten thirty in the morning, my head pounding and my body tired. I
walk lazily to the bathroom, where i use the toilet, brush my teeth and wash my
face and after that, i go down to my kitchen where i have my cereals and after that
I drive off to a black market pharmacy. I buy abortion pills and after that I go back
home.
I sit on my bed thinking about the decision I am about to take. As evil and ruthless
as it seems, it must be done. It's not like I have much of a choice. I don't want a
baby, worse off with a married man. I don't want to be the sole cause of another
woman's misery; for her tears and pain might cause great misfortunes and a chain
of sorrows in my life and I want to live my life in absolute peace. I want everything
of mine to be obtained in the rightful ways; for there is a saying in our culture that
says-it will go as it came.
I hesitantly drink two of the tablets and i walk into the bathroom, where i sit
patiently on a closed toilet, whilst I am smoking a cigarette. I smoke six more
cigarettes before the pills start kicking in. I bite my lower lip as the pain starts
reaping at my abdomen. The pain starts as small sharp jabs and soon, it builds up
to become excruciating abdominal pain. I undress and i get into the shower, I turn
on the water and I sit under the shower, whilst leaning on the bathroom wall. The
pain reaps mercilessly at my abdomen until blood starts coming out of my
womanhood. Dark red blood flows on the floor towards the drainage hole and it
gets swallowed up by the hole on the floor .with each passing second, the pain
intensifies and I clutch my abdomen in an attempt to try and ease up the pain but
it's to no avail. I scream in pain and I feel my strength seeping from my body,
slowly but surely. I really think I am going to die because the pain seems to be
cutting at my abdomen mercilessly. It's as if, someone is cutting my insides with
sharp knives and razor blades. I twist and turn on the bathroom floor in attempt to
ease up the cutting pain in my abdomen but it's no avail. The process lasts for a
very long time, until I am convinced that the abortion is done since the dark red
blood has stop oozing out of my womanhood. I can barely stand up after the
process is done. My abdomen is very painful. It takes me a very long time to get out
of the shower and to walk to my bed but upon reaching the bed, i crawl into the
covers despite being naked and wet and i fall asleep since i am exhausted and
weak.
When I wake up, I feel exhausted and at the same time,I feel violently sick. My body
is weak and has a very high temperature. I wake up painfully from the bed, my legs
weak and failing to carry the weight of my body.I put on a morning gown and i
support my weak body using the walls until i reach the stair case. I slowly but
surely walk down the stair case. When i hit the landing, i sit down tiredly and i lean
my head the rails of the stair case. After the short rest, i walk to the kitchen where
i get two banana fruits and a bottle of water. I sit tiredly on the kitchen floor, my
back being supported by the kitchen cupboards. My hands are so weak that they
can't even peel a banana fruit! I battle with the fruit until at last, I peel it. I take a
few weak bites of the fruit. Even swallowing seems very hard. I also don't have
much of an appetite. I open the bottle of water and I sip the water, just so as to
stay hydrated. I then reach out for one of the cupboards and I take a packet of pain
killers. From the packet, I take two of the pain killers and I swallow them. I sit on
the kitchen floor for a while before I stand up and head back to my bedroom. In my
hands, I have an unfinished one banana, one uneaten, a bottle of water and a
packet of pain killers. I slowly and weakly navigate my way to my bedroom, where I
put the bananas, water and tables on the same table on my headboard and after
that, I get into the covers and is sleep. For three full days, I live solely on bananas,
water and pain killers. I have been confined to the four walls of my bedroom
isolated by the weakness and pain that has temporarily colonized my body. I have
not taken a bath, nor opened the windows just to feel better. Most of the day is
spent asleep, since sleeping is the only drug that can keep the pain away for a very
long time.
On the fourth day, I wake up feeling much better. The abdominal pain has
subsided but I am still weak and light headed. I go down to the kitchen and I
prepare myself something worm to eat. I firstly make myself a cup of tea and I later
cook some peanut butter porridge. After eating, I go back to bed. For the past three
days, all I have been doing was to sleep, nibble on bits of fruit, drink water and
take some pain killers and after that, I sleep. On the fifth day, I wake up feeling
better, the weakness has subsided and so has the light headedness. I brush my
teeth, take a long hot shower and I dress up in a loosely hanging dress and after
that I decide to clean my house. The first thing I did was to open the curtains and
the windows. After that I decided to change the bedding linen, since there was a
large stain of dry dark purple blood on the sheets. I think the blood was oozing out
when I was asleep. I then change the sheets, pillow cases and duvet cover. I make
my bed and after that I clean my room. I end up cleaning the whole house and I
open the windows after wards. I decide to make myself something to eat. I decide to
cook sadza and spinach with peanut butter. After eating, I wash the dishes and i go
up to my study where i start working.
There are eighty three emails from Vimbai and Thomas, both of them asking if i am
okay and some of Vimbai's emails read.
-I am worried sick about you! Are you okay? Is everything okay?
-please answer your cell. I am worried about you. If you are just tell me
you are fine okay, if not call me, I will come as soon as possible
-Red, please. Can you answer your phone or at least respond to your
emails. I am worried about you. I reported you sick at work and now they
want to know what's wrong!!! Call, text or email me as soon as you get this
message.
Thomas sent me pictures of his whole trip and lots of messages. Some of which
read:
-I miss you more than words can describe. I miss your personality, your
soft sweet voice, your soft smooth skin, your warm red lips, your succulent
breasts, your pointy and rigid tits and your tight womanhood. I miss
hearing you moan in pleasure or feeling your warm breath on my ear and
neck as you take me inside you and above all, I miss the sexual, emotional
and mental chemistry that we shared together. I will be saving all my love
for you and the day I come, I will make love to you like it's the end of the
world.
-time seems to be moving slower than anticipated; I can't wait to be with
you tomorrow, my beautiful river lily. I want to inhale you, to touch you
and taste you, to tame your stubborn mentality with my rigid joystick and
above all, to make your body vibrate as you experience multiple orgasms.
-I so hear that you are not feeling well, get well soon my golden morning
sunshine or should I come and see you? Love you lots baby.
-Red, you are starting to worry me now. Why don't you pick up your
phone? Is everything okay down there? Please tell me if you have any
problems, I am willing to help. Get well soon. Lots of over flowing love from
me. I miss you.
-Red please, talk to me baby. Is everything okay? Why are you ignoring my
phone calls and emails? Is everything okay? You are starting to scare me.
My heart beats faster and harder as i read Thomas' first few messages because they
raise memories of the steamy sexual experiences that we used to have in my office
on that three sitter sofa. It really breaks my heart to know that I have to let him go,
that I would have to discard of all these hair-curling memories that we made
together... my heart bleeds more as I think about the awakening from the dream
that I had been living under. As much as I love him and cherish the memories that
we made together, I hate him for putting me through this heart ache, emotional
pain and above all the physical pain of aborting a baby as an attempt to stay clean
and not be labelled as the home wrecker who stole someone's husband using a
baby. Rubbing into the poor woman's face that she is barren, rejoicing in the other
woman's pain and tears. Thomas should expect the worst from now onwards. His
sweet sex toy has shed her cataracts and seen him for the schemer that he is and
she has now decided to let him go and leave her life the best she can.
I take search for my hand bag and from it, i take out my cell phone which has a
hundred missed calls from both Vimbai and Thomas but from different days. I dial
Vimbai's number and i pace around my study waiting for her to pick up her phone
and finally she does.
"Hello, Vimbai" I say.
"Praise the Lord! She is alive and kicking! Where are you and why weren't you
picking up your phone? I have been worried sick about you!" Vimbai says over the
phone.
"Well, I wasn't feeling that well but now I am fine." I respond.
"What was the problem and why didn't you communicate so that we could come
and see you?!" Vimbai says over the cell phone.
"It wasn't anything major, just a feminine problem." I say to her.
"Hmm, I will swallow your lies for now but your body will testify to the damage
done. You people have a tendency of concealing the things that are more serious
and say they are just minor problems yet they claw at your bodies. The next thing
we hear about your funerals. I lost a younger sister and i am not prepared to lose
you prematurely to death." Vimbai says.
"Well, in my case I am now fine. Alive and kicking, wearing my million dollar smile
and my educated opinions" i respond.
"Well, I am glad that you are fine. Now that you still at the baby steps of recovery,
let's hope you are eating well and are having adequate sleep." Vimbai says.
"Yes doctor." I respond sarcastically.
"Red, you are taking this as a joke right? It won't be funny when we lay to rest at
the cemetery, so be careful!" she warns her voice thick and heavy with emotion.
"Relax. I am fine! I will tell you what was wrong on Monday. It's not a comfortable
issue to discuss over the phone." I respond.
"Very well." She responds. We speak about a lot of other things that include, what
has been happening in University, most of it being the gossip that has been
happening, pertaining the trip that Thomas and the students had taken. I laugh at
each and every detail that Vimbai is pouring through the phone. This one! She is
dangerous, i bet she sat near the table of the gossipers and eaves dropped because
there is absolutely no way that she could have gathered so much information! After
the therapeutic phone call with Vimbai, i then start going through the assignments
that have been sent via email. I go through half of them today and then i will mark
the rest tomorrow.
I wake up, to the sound of an alarm clock at five in the morning. I go straight to the
bathroom, where i brush my teeth, wash my face and i change into my exercising
gear and i go for a run. Its still a bit dark outside but i can see. I jog lightly and i
slowly but surely increase my pace until at last, i am running at full speed. My legs
propelling me as fast as they can. Under normal circumstances. I run four times
around my block but today, i manage to run two rounds and after that I go back
into my house where, i take a shower and start preparing breakfast. After
breakfast, i read my novel, as a way to pass time. At seven thirty am, I then change
into my church outfit. Today, i decide to wear a formal two piece suit, which is
white in color with red flowers, i wear a white hat. I put on white pointed heels
and i put red lipstick which happens to be my signature touch. After this, I drive
straight to church.
I walk into church, my head held up high in feminine pride and my heels clanking
on the tiled floors. I take my usual seat at the third row. The devotions are doing
exactly at eight forty and after the devotions, we start praying. Today my main
prayer theme is forgiveness. I plead endless with God to forgive the sin that I have
done. After prayer, the praise and worship team, fill the whole church with their
melodies. Whenever the church choir sings, goose bumps creep onto my skin. After
the praise and worship, comes the offering time and after that we listen to the
pastor as he preaches the word of God, his voice booming across the whole hall,
being amplified by microphones and the speakers. Each and every word that he
altars, points to me, jabbing at my conscience for the heartless decision I took, my
involvement with a married woman and causing misery to a fellow woman. Guilt
washes over me and my conscience scolds me mercilessly, stabbing at the already
bleeding wounds in my heart. But I decide to break the chains of this guilty
conscience. I want to be free. I know I have sinned but our sins should not cage us
and cripple our lives..,.. Finally the church service comes to an end and people
move from the main church hall to the tea room, where they were going to have
some tea and confectioneries. I decide to go straight home; I have never bothered to
have tea with the other congregants. I step out of the church building to the blazing
summer sun, feeling like a born again woman, wearing freedom as her crown and
happiness as her new fragrance.
"Red!!" someone calls from behind me and i turn my head to face the individual
calling me. It's the pastor's wife and she walks up to me. Her heels clanking noisily
on the stone pavements, her warm smile displayed affectionately on her face.
"Isn't it a splendid Sunday afternoon?" she asks.
"It is" I respond, as I smile lazily. Trying by all means to cut the long conversation
short. I want her to get to the point so that I could go home. I have a lot of backlog.
"Well, I wanted to talk to you about you joining the women's club run by the
church. We meet twice a week, on every Saturday afternoon and every Sunday
afternoon. We meet from 2; 30 pm to 4; 00 pm" she says.
"I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, the women's club is reserved for the highly
ranked, rich and religious married women and I, on the other hand am an ordinary
unmarried congregant" i respond defensively.
"But it does not make you any less of a woman. Marital status does not define
someone. Does it?" she questions.
"To you, it might seem okay but it won't be the same case with the other women in
the club" I respond.
"There will never be a time when everyone likes you. You will always have to stand
your ground and define your world. I want you to be part of the women's club just
because you have an educated background and your expertise will benefit the club.
As you know, the club does a lot of charity works and to a greater extent you will
also be serving the Lord. Here is my phone number, call me we have a lot to
discuss." The pastor's wife says as she hands me a small card where her contact
details are written.
"Thank you for your time and please have a good day." She says.
"Same to you" I say to her as I turn on my heel in preparation to walk away.
"Professor Red!! The pastor's wife calls behind me. I again turn my head to face her,
a tight smile plastered on my mouth, concealing the annoyance I feel inside.
"Yes?" I respond.
"Why don't you join us for tea, so that maybe we can get to talk as we have our
tea?" she asks.
"I would have loved to but then, I have to rush somewhere but then, I have to rush
somewhere but thank you for the offer. Maybe on another day when I am free." I
respond.
"I am really looking forward to it. Have a spirit filled day." She says.
"Thank you" I respond and I turn my back and walk away towards the car park. As
soon as I turn my back, my smile disappears instantly. Driving home, a thousand
questions form in my brain- what does the pastor's wife want to know about me? -
why the sudden interest?- why is she throwing me among the blood thirsty hounds,
who masquerade as innocent, spirit oriented women?- why does she want to put
me among the women who will judge me and paint my name for the wrong reasons
just because, I don't have a marriage certificate.?....should I take her advice of
ignoring what people say...the questions rage on and on as I drive my car, heading
straight home. As much as I try to add A with B, I never the desired answer, which
is a C. I then decide to drop then decide to drop the wild goose chase.
I get home and I start preparing lunch. I usually have a solid lunch on Sunday, so I
decide to cook sadza and chicken. By chicken, I don't mean these genetically
modified broilers but I mean the road runners. As the pots are still cooking, I move
my things from the study and I settle in the kitchen temporarily. I sit at the kitchen
counter, with my spectacles on and I pen down each and every wrong that is on
these assignments. The main goal is to get done with the assignments that were
sent online. After the online lessons, i work with the paper assignments.
As i am still working, my mind buried deep in my work, the sound of the intercom
disturbs me. I stand up and rush to answer it.
"How may I assist?" I question.
"Open the gate." A male voice says and I just open the gate absent minded. I am
still thinking about the assignment that I was marking. There is a light knock on
the door and I go and open the door, standing opposite me is Thomas!! How did he
find my address?! I have never told him about my personal life, so how does he
know where I live?!
"Are you going to let me?" he asks.
"Come in" I say as I open space for him to enter my house, not even thinking of
what I am doing!
"How are you feeling?" he asks.
"Much better. What are you doing here? And how did you find my address because
I don't remember telling you that information?" I question.
"I have connections and my connections were the ones that outsourced the
information of your address. You have a nice place here" he says.
"Thank you" I respond.
"What's wrong you seem tense?" he asks as he comes closer to me, in the process
making me inhale his strong cologne, which makes me feel light headed. He puts
his hand around my waist and he pulls me towards the length of his body. I use my
hands to put a create a barrier between the two of us and i stare at his eyes, he
also stares at mine, love burning through them.
"is there something that you want to tell me?" he asks.
"as a matter of fact, yes" i say as i push myself away from his body and i take a few
steps away from him, so that i could breath properly. His cologne is making me
dizzy.
"What do you want to tell me?" he asks as he comes closer to me, a smile plastered
on his mouth and his eyes looking anticipantly at me. i inhale some air, so as to
gain some composure to say whatever i wanted to say.
"Why didn't you tell me that you were married?" I blurt out, making sure that i
maintain eye contact with him. His face changes from that smiley face in a matter
of seconds. His smile wilts instantly and there is a solid silence.
"how did you find out?" he asks
"it doesn't matter how i found out! What matters is the fact that your marriage a
secret from me!" i say.
"i knew that you would not want me if you found out about my marriage." He
responds.
"And so you decided to con me into a relationship! How so clever of you!" i respond.
"Red, i just wanted to find some happiness. I have not been happy in that marriage
for a very long time and you gave me that happiness and now that you are carrying
my baby, you have made me the happiest man ever" he says.
"i am not carrying any child." I respond.
"you are fooling no one with that statement. I found your pregnancy test in your
office bathroom and it was positive." He says.
"And how did you get into my office?" i question.
"I have a spare key remember! But right now, that does not matter what matters is
the fact that you are carrying my child" Thomas says as he comes to caress my
abdomen.
"i am not pregnant" i respond as i push him away.
"You are! The pregnancy test says you are pregnant unless it was used by someone
else?" he says.
"Look Thomas, i am not pregnant. Not anymore." I respond as tears tickle my eyes.
"What do you mean?" he asks, worry kicking into his face.
"i aborted the pregnancy as soon as i found out that you were married because..."
he cuts me off before i finished saying my sentence.
"You what?!!" he asks in disbelief.
"i aborted!!" i respond in feminine pride.
"say you are joking. Say you are just trying to get back at me for not telling you
that i am a married man..... Just say you are joking." He responds pleadingly.
"Thomas, i have no time for jokes. I aborted the pregnancy and i am cancelling this
whole relationship thingy that we had going on because one thing for sure it was
based on lies, and what do i know, most probably exploitation too!." I respond as i
look away from him, trying to fight my tears.
"How could?! How could you abort the baby yet you knew how much i wanted a
child! How could you!" he shouts in anger. I turn to him, defensive anger also
kicking into my system.
"Because you are a married man! Someone's husband which renders me as an
adulteress and above all....." I couldn't finish my statement as a punch had connected
in my face causing me to fall sideways onto a sofa nearby.
"How could you!!! How could you abort my baby for such a stupid reason!!" he says
as he charges towards me and he slaps me across the face. I cover my face to
prevent him from scaring it, but he continues to attack me merciless. Throwing
punches, attacking me with hot slaps, pulling my hair mercilessly and kicking me.
With every punch and slap that he gives me, I can feel my anger rising from the
depths of my body. It changes into strength, which I use to push Thomas away
from me and he falls onto the sofa. As he tries to stand up, I rush to take one of the
golf clubs that is in the golf bag that sits behind my door. I pull the golf club swiftly
and the whole bag comes crushing down. I turn swiftly to face Thomas, who is also
charging towards me. I use the golf club to strike him on his knees. He falls to the
floor, growling between clenched teeth.I take that opportunity to attack him
merciless, hitting him with all my strength which comes as a result of the anger
that is boiling inside me.Striking the ribs, head and the hands that try to shield the
head from the metal's merciless blows. I want to leave scars on his body, heavy
scars that will remind him of me. i strike him,until at last I am exhausted. I throw
myself exhaustedly on the sofa, breathing heavily as I watch Thomas lying on the
floor, groaning like a dying animal, with blood on his face, hands and head..... How
dare he lay his hands on me!!
"This will not end this easy. You are going to pay for this. It might not be physical
but you will pay heavily!!" Thomas says between his teeth. As he tries to sit up, one
of his hands holding his rib cage as if it's some delicate china piece that will break.
His breathing is very heavy and comes with effort. I really hope that something in
his body is broken in him.
I use the golf stick to hold up his chin so that he could look me in the face.
"Not all women are the same, some of us have learnt to survive." I say to him with
my teeth clenched. Thomas pushes away the golf stick and spits at me. his spit
somehow has blood, which means that the gold club must have hit him in the area
of the mouth.
"I think we are done here. Please have yourself a nice life" I say to him. He stands
up painfully and i watch him impatiently as he walks painfully towards the door.
He swears with each step that he takes until at last he gets out of my house. I open
the gate for him to go and finally he drives away.
I make my way upstairs, pain rippling through my body, especially the ribs and
back, since the little idiot was kicking at me like I was a dog. I get into my
bathroom and I strip down to only my bra and under wear. My skin is bruise in the
area of my ribs and at the back, a side of my face is swollen, my lip is split and my
nose bridge has been split. My nose has dark blood, that's about to dry up and one
of my eyes, where I got punched is red in color. It's as if, the eye bled from the
inside. I remove the rest of my clothes and i get into the shower, where I wash
myself and after that, I bandage the cut on my nose with an Elastoplast. And after
that i change into something comfortable, drink pain killers and after that I have
my lunch. After lunch, I return to my work despite my throbbing body...