On a breezy morning of winter season I woke up feeling so cold and sore - my whole body ached because I spent the last day training with a man who I hired to strengthen my martial arts skills. We weren't staying at that place near the market anymore, Yokosh moved us to our own small castle outside of the noises and away from the daily crowd hence we treated is our own sanctuary.
Our castle had everything including servants, guards and a lot of space for both of our rooms since we didn't sleep together. The separation and loneliness hit harder when we couldn't even sleep on the same bed like how we did on our previous home even though we never touched - not even once. There came a moment I didn't hear from his for days, and barely even seen him. I was only informed by our servants of his extra curricular activities that he had going on inside a famous brothel in all of Karta.
Lee had found a woman, a beautiful girl that he met on the brothel and her name was Yanar. Yanar was a whore who sold her body like other whores who stayed in that brothel and Lee had been intimate with her for more than ten times I was told. He would go to the brothel and bought her for the whole night - and some other days he would pay extra for her to entertain him with dancing and whatever he felt like doing. I became so insecure with myself, perhaps maybe because I didn't share my body with him that's why he decided to leave me.
He wasn't the man I thought he was, how stupid of me to held him to such standards while all he did was letting me down.
"I'm so stupid! So stupid to even think I could be with him" I said to my trainer, he knew everything about me and about us.
"Get out of your head Mingzhu! Focus..." he said and threw a sword at me.
I managed to block it with my sword and we continued to exchange blows. He was very good, the best skilled man in all of Karta and he had fought in countless wars - his name was Master Xo Hu and he was just a middle aged man. I befriended him when I desperately needed a friend because I was too lonely and he agreed to be my master.
"Perhaps I should just leave, maybe that's what he wants" I said.
"Are you sure of that?"
"I guess so"
XO Hu placed his sword down and he took mine too, somehow he knew I couldn't concentrate on my training for my head was elsewhere.
"Why don't you try to speak your mind, maybe Lee felt neglected by you that's why he went out to seek comfort in others. Have you two ever talked about the moment you shared?"
"No we didn't"
"That's where both of you went wrong but this isn't the time to pick who's right and who's wrong. If you want him, go for it"
"But Master --"
"No buts Mingzhu, listen to your heart. Get up and let's keep training"
He pulled up and boosted my morale for fighting, after a few exchange of blows I finally managed to match his speed and I gained my posture. We trained that whole day and the only time we stopped was to hydrate and in few seconds we were back on the blows that's why I woke up feeling sore and tired.
But I had another day to make it up to Lee and show him that I still wanted him - although I felt like I was too late. I woke up, showered and put on my favorite purple dress with a white hat on top. I called in our servants to properly adorn me with every sort of decorations they had and they were even shocked for it was too early in the morning - but still it wasn't their place to ask.
I walked straight to Lee's room when I was ready, feeling confident more than ever. I was a woman, I had grown so much from the stupid little girl he knew from Xinjiang and I was ready to go extra mile with him. When I reached his door, I took a few deep breaths and I had a conscious feeling about whether to knock or not.
But finally I did;
"Who's it?" I heard his voice but he was unusually charming for an early morning.
"It's -- I --" I stuttered and words couldn't come out. "It's..."
"I'm coming" he growled with his deep voice and I heard his footsteps approaching the door.
I was weak on my knees, my heartbeat racing and I was scared it would come out of my chest. I nearly walked away - but I stayed still facing the door.
He opened the door and our eyes collided, for the first time in over a week. He was shirtless with only an oversized white trouser which he usually wore when he goes to sleep. A beautiful smile escaped his lips and I could tell he liked what he seeing - my servants did a good job I even thought of raising their pay.
"Mingzhu!"
"Hello, how are you?"
He blushed "I... I'm good, good, ummh good"
"Can I come inside?" I asked wearing a very beautiful smile on my lips but that smile faded when he started to act strange.
"I -- don't think so, perhaps we could go to your room"
"What's wrong with your room?"
"My room? Oh there's nothing wrong! It's just..." he said and came outside, he closed the door and held my hand.
We started walking towards my room while he was holding my hand, he was jumpy and unrest, all the way he kept talking about how wild the party was last night. All the ram that he tested - and the music that he was dancing to, it was a combination of all things that I didn't want to hear from him at least not at that time.
Lee didn't even care what I wanted to tell him nor did he show any sort of appreciation for what I went through just to be visible to him but still ended up invisible. As we walked I turned back and I saw Yanar leaving his room - my heart nearly exploded to the outside and I felt a knot inside my stomach. Jealous hit me hard my eyes became blurry and the next thing I know I was crying. Tears rolled down between my cheeks and the worst feeling is when I couldn't control them.
"Mingzhu are you okay? Why are you crying, are you sick?" He asked but I jerked his hand off and raced to my room. He came after me but I got inside first and close the door.
Lee barked outside my door - banging it hard wanting me to open up "Open up Mingzhu! Why are you always like this? Why do you always push me away?"
He had a nerve to say that I was pushing him away - what a selfish man he was and completely different from the boy I grew up with. That day I spent it all inside my room not coming out for any reason and when I did, as usual Lee wasn't there. The servants told me that he was at the brothel, of course with his Yanar and I realized I had nothing of my own in Karta.
Not my place for the house belonged to him, not my gold, not my diamonds and lastly not even him. He however had found his long lasting impression of what life is meant to be. He was happy and I knew I was the selfish one trying to have him all for myself without caring how happy he was. Lee found home in Karta but I, a prison. A prison of thoughts, loneliness, depression and anxiety. I was never happy even with all he wealthy that surrounded us I still felt something was missing.
The parties and luxury which I craved so much for ever since we were outside of the city gates - didn't satisfy me as much as I thought they would. They however managed to add more stresses to my my already miserable life, something was missing. I wasn't meant to be just a woman who attends parties and booze up till dawn. I was a Queen, Queen of the people of Tong'an - I was meant to rule it was my destiny.