"You okay, babe?" Zack asks me.
I wedge the phone between my ear and my shoulder so I can lace up my sneakers.
"Honestly," I sigh, "I don't know how I feel about this dinner."
It's Thanksgiving tonight and my mom and I are going over to Alex's for dinner.
I still haven't spoken to her, and if at all I do, we just end up fighting again.
It's tiring, and I hate it, but I'm still upset with her. And I don't want to listen to her explanation. There's nothing to explain because I already understand it all.
"It'll be okay. I'm sure you look hot."
I laugh. "I don't need to dress hot for Thanksgiving, you pervert. And it's not even that."
Zack heaves a sigh. "Still not speaking?"
"No." I mutter.
"You can't keep this up forever, you know that, right? She's not just your mum, Aubrey, she's your best friend." His tone drops. "She's been there for you."
"Only because she had to." I'm surprised at the snarkiness of my tone. "She didn't even have to. I'd have been with my dad by now."
I can hear Zack roll his eyes through the phone. "Exactly, smartass. She didn't have to be there, but she was. She still is. And you know what it would've done to me if you'd gone off with your dad."
I groan. "Right. I don't know how to act, Zack. I can't pretend to be happy around her when we've settled nothing."
"I know. Just...do whatever you feel is right. Dinner will be fine, I promise. And if it's not, Alex is gonna have to face me."
I think Zack got the message that Alex doesn't have feelings for me, so he doesn't always look like he wants to pummel Alex when he's with me.
"Okay." I swallow thickly, trying to select my words because, one single mistake, and Zack gets mad. "How's it going over there?"
Zack is in California with his family for Thanksgiving. Yes. The entire family. His brother, Chris, schools there, and his dad took a break from work.
Zack hasn't seen his father in months, and he hates him, so I can't even imagine how he must be feeling right now.
"Good." He replies.
"Good?"
"Good." He says even more firmly. He doesn't want to talk, and I'm not going to push him.
"Okay, um...say hi to Chris for me?"
"Sure. I love you."
My heart melts at the time of his voice, and yes, his words.
"I love you too."
____________
"Wow." Alex says the moment the door is flung open.
I roll my eyes. "Oh shut up." I push past him into the house.
"Is that them, Alex?" Andrew yells from the kitchen.
"Who else would it be?" Mum says from behind me before she walks towards the kitchen.
She gives me a soft glance as she walks past me but I look away. Mum had tried to talk to me while we were in the car but I'm certain she knew that I was in no mood for that.
I turn to face Alex only to catch him quirking a brow at me.
"What?"
"Seriously? Still giving her an attitude? I thought you couldn't stay a day without talking to her."
"Yeah, but it's been almost two weeks. It's easier than it seems, Al, you should probably try it some time."
Al rolls his eyes. "I'd rather not." He knows I'm trying to make jokes out of a serious situation. He also knows he shouldn't press me.
An hour later and we're halfway into Thanksgiving dinner. Andrew and my mum are sitting beside each other, while Alex and I are opposite them.
Mum has just suggested that we all take turns in saying things that we're grateful for, a tradition that we've always kept to on Thanksgiving.
"I'll start." Alex says. He turns to look at me and I roll my eyes. "First of all, I'm thankful for the amazing food." His dad laughs. "No one can beat you in the kitchen, Dad. I'm also thankful that we have not just one, but two additional persons for Thanksgiving this year."
Alex heaves a sigh, then continues. "I'm thankful for family, and I'm not just talking about dad, I'm talking about you guys." I feel a familiar prick behind my eyelids at his words. Stupid Alex and his stupid prayers.
Alex looks at me again and smiles. "And I really hope we have a lot more Thanksgiving dinners like this one."
I open my mouth to say something, when Andrew cuts me off.
"Well," he sighs, "that will only be possible if Beryl gives us the answer we're looking for."
A lot happens at once. Andrew makes eye contact with my confused mother. My mum makes eye contact with a confused me. My eyes meet Alex's, who's looking at his father.
And then Andrew does something I never expected to happen so soon.
He gets down on one knee.
"Beryl..."
I can't comprehend it all. I can't think straight. I can't even pay attention to the words he's saying to my mother, or the expression on her face.
This wasn't supposed to happen. Not after I found out the truth about her. Not after I found out that she only cares about herself and doesn't even give a shit about me.
"... I'm not giving room for any other answer, Beryl. Will you marry me?"
I wait for mum to look at me, to at least prove me wrong, but she doesn't. She's busy fighting tears.
I'm not even sure what's going through my mind as I bang my fist on the table and stand up.
"Screw this."
And then I'm running out the door, ignoring the calls from Alex and my mum, trying to get away from everything.
I lied. I'm not okay with her being with Andrew. I'm not okay with her replacing my dad while he's still alive. I'm not okay with any of it, and I have no idea why I thought I was.
It's already dark outside, and I have no idea where I'm going, but I just can't stand to be around them. Around any of them.
I end up in a dark alley about two blocks away from the house, tired, frustrated, angry at everything. I can't even think.
I slide down onto the floor and bury my head into my knees.
She's the reason our family's broken. She's the reason dad left us, and now she's just gonna start up a new family? Without any remorse for what she's done?
She's selfish, and she doesn't even care.
Maybe I should just move to Florida to stay with my dad. Finish my education there, and I'd never get to see her again.
And what about your friends? Erika, Pey, Nick, Tyler. What about Zack? Do you really want to leave him?
No. I don't even have the heart to leave him.
And my mum...
I can't even bear the thought of leaving her here, despite what she's done because her happiness has always been a priority of mine. I love her. It's always been us against the world.
And I know she'll be broken if I do.
I don't know how long I sit crying in the alley, before I stand up and leave, turning the corner. I have no freaking idea how to go back the way I came.
Before I even think to start panicking, I bear the sound of a door being shut behind me.
"Aubrey, sweetie..."
My back tenses. It's her. How the hell did she find me?
"I didn't...I swear to God, sweetheart, I didn't know."
I don't say anything. I just stand there, my back to her.
"Just get in the car with me. Let's go home."
"Home?" I turn to face her this time. "You mean with Andrew and Alex? That's not my home, mum, and it sure as hell's not going to be any time soon."
It's difficult to see her eyes in the darkness, but I can tell through her voice that she's fighting tears.
"I thought you were fine with it. I thought you liked Andrew and Al..."
I'm exasperated at this point, because all what she's saying is bullshit.
"You still don't get what this is about, do you? It's not about Andrew or Alex. It's about dad! It's about me. It's about our family and what you did to destroy it, so don't even pull that emotional bullshit on me because I can't deal with you right now."
Mum sighs. "Just get in the car and I'll explain everything to you. I promise."
"No. I'm not getting into any fucking enclosed space with you."
I know my mum flinches at my tone and use of the swearword, but I can't bring myself to care about any of that.
"I made a lot of mistakes, honey, and I'm aware of that. I wanna make things right with you. I want to let you know the reason why I did what I did. And that's only going to happen if you come with me and let me talk to you. Please."
Her voice is shaky, and mine is too. I really don't want to go with her, but I have no choice. If I want answers, now's my only chance.
I walk towards the car, watching her shoulders slump in relief as she opens the door for me.
I slip in and she turns around to the driver's side.
There's silence for a few seconds. Me looking out the window, and mum looking at me.
It's difficult fighting the tears from running down my face.
"All I ever wanted," Mum starts. Her voice is a whisper, "was to make them happy. But nothing I did ever worked. They never even paid attention to me."
I turn to face her but she's not looking at me, she's looking ahead, and I can tell that it hurts her to say this, but it's not like she has a choice.
"I even hurt myself countless times just so I could get their attention, but I got nothing."
"Mum..." The softness of my voice startles me. She gives me a weak smile and swallows.
"I loved your dad, so much. It was real. Everything was. But when I got pregnant with you I just got...scared..."
"Of what your parents would do?"
"No." She scoffs. "They couldn't care less about that. I was scared that I'd do the same thing to my own child. I was going to be a horrible mother and I wasn't going to be able to live with myself if I treated you that way."
"So you tried to..."
Mum looks away from me, nodding. "Yeah. Your dad didn't let me though. God, John was so persistent." She chuckles. "He was always with me. He was the one who even made me tell my parents about it, and I already knew what the outcome was going to be, but I just did it for him. It was the least I could do because I was still going to abort the baby."
I feel a fresh set of tears sting behind my eyelids.
"But before I knew it, I was in the hospital room pushing you out of my vagina." It's supposed to make me laugh, but it doesn't. "You were the most precious thing I ever saw, and I hated myself everyday for even thinking about getting rid of you. I fell in love with you, honey."
"Then what about dad? Why did things change between you guys?" I ask. That's where the problem is. The fact that my parents aren't together is hurting me seriously. I just want to know what changed.
Mum exhales a shaky breath. "Your father's an amazing man, honey. If I could get another chance to relive my college years, I'd pick him to be the father of my child over and over again. Things just... couldn't work between us, that's all."
"Bullshit." I scoff. "You could've tried to make it work. You two raised a kid together, you can make anything work."
"I pushed him away." Her voice is firm now as she rakes a hand through her hair. "I was just too naïve at the time. I mean I blamed him for getting me pregnant under the disguise of blaming him for losing my family. I just hated that he was so excited, more excited about the baby than I was. I was so hard on him."
Mum sighs, then looks at me. "I guess I never forgave myself for that. I thought...I mean I knew he deserved someone better than me. I couldn't let him suffer any longer with me. He couldn't fix me."
"And Andrew can?" My voice comes out with more snark than intended.
Mum gives me a slight nod. "I think so."
When I roll my eyes, mum says, "I'm trying, kiddo."
I heave a sigh. "I just wish I was told all this before now, you know? You and dad kept me in the dark for so long..."
"I know, honey," Mum takes my hand in hers. "and I'm sorry about that. I just didn't want you to spend your days hating me, like you do right now."
My heart melts. "I don't...hate you, mum, I was just really hurt, that's all. You're my best friend and nothing will ever change that."
I understand where she's coming from. She was naïve, young, and confused about what she wanted. But now I know she's sure of what she wants.
Mum pulls me into her arms. "I'm so sorry, honey. I love you, so much."
I bury my head deep into her shoulder. "I love you too. And I'm sorry I was hard on you."
"We missed so many girls' nights."
Mum says and I laugh, nodding my head. "Yeah."
"So," Mum laughs nervously as we pull apart to wipe our eyes. "Can we go home now?"
"And by home you mean..."
She rolls her eyes. "Our home, silly. We have a lot to catch up on."
I quirk my brow, giving her a look, and she shrugs. "What?"
"Don't you have a reply to give Andrew? Remember he said he's not taking no for an answer."
Different emotions display on my mother's face, and before I know it, she's tearing up again.
"You mean..."
"Yes, you have my consent or whatever it is kids say these days." I roll my eyes.
Mom laughs. "Kids don't say that."
"Are you gonna start an argument with me or are we going back to Andrew's house for desert?"
Mom stares at me for one, two seconds, then,
"Desert it is."
Well I guess I might as well start referring to Alex as my brother.