I knew I was going to have to deal with this. I knew I was going to have to face Eric sooner or later, I just didn't expect it to be this soon.
"What're you...um..." I avoid making eye contact with him, whatever makes me do that would be sentencing me to death because I'm not ready to look at him.
"Doing here? Come on, Aubrey, you know what I'm doing here. It's why you can't look at me, isn't it?"
A sigh escapes my mouth. "Eric, I..." He walks past me into the house, shutting the door behind him.
"You look pretty, Aubrey. You always do." His voice becomes husky. I wait for the tingles to come, the shiver, the butterflies that always flutter at the bottom of my stomach whenever he speaks to me.
I wait for something. Anything. I get nothing.
I finally decide to just suck it up and look at him, and when I do, I wish I hadn't done it, because all I feel now is guilt.
His voice is calm, normal, but his eyes betray him. He looks pained, confused, hurt, and it's all because of me. I hurt him.
"Eric, you can't say stuff like that."
"Why? Because I didn't get lucky enough to get chosen by you?"
When I don't say anything, he runs a hand through his hair aggressively. "You know, I thought that after that night, you were going to see that you deserved better. That you deserved better than that fucking..."
He exhales. He's getting frustrated. "I thought you ignored my calls because you needed some space, and I was willing to give you as much space as you needed, but I never thought you'd be so stu..."
"Stop it, Eric." I cut him off. "Just stop. Don't even try to finish that sentence or I swear to God, that'll be the end."
I know he's upset, but I'm not going to let him insult me for the choices I make.
Eric's jaw clenches, and he walks away from me towards the kitchen.
He needs time, because he's really close to losing his shit and I know it.
When I walk into the kitchen, Eric is hunched over the counter, half a bottle of water beside him.
"Whatever happened that night was a mistake. It wasn't supposed to happen."
I flinch as his fist comes down hard on the counter. "Quit bullshitting me." He turns to face me. "You said it yourself that you still felt something for me. You didn't regret what we had that night even though I knew how much you wanted to."
"That was then, Eric." My voice is shaky. "I was at a weak point, drunk, and confused about what I was feeling that day. Things are different now."
He laughs. "Different? Because you're in love with someone else? I don't mind being a second option, Aubrey. I mean, in time you'd get to realise that I love you more than you can imagine. That I love you more than he does and..."
"Well I don't love you, Eric. I'm sorry, but I don't. And I don't think I can learn to. The feelings are gone."
Eric's face falls. "You're lying."
My eyes start welling up. I know how much I'm hurting him, and I hate myself for doing this.
I shake my head. "I'm not. I'm sorry."
He turns away from me and I notice the way his shoulders are moving, shaking.
"Prove it then." He turns again. "Prove to me that you don't love me."
I'm confused. How the hell am I supposed to...
"Let me kiss you again, Aubrey. One last time."
What?
"Eric, I can't..."
"Please, Aubrey." He moves closer to me, taking my chin between his fore finger and thumb. "Just one last kiss and I'll walk out of your life if you still don't feel anything for me."
I know it's wrong to even consider kissing him just to get this whole thing off my chest, but I need to convince him, and myself, that whatever we had or thought we had was over, and there was only one way to prove it to him.
So I do it. I lean up and meet his lips with mine. They're soft, shaky, like he's been wanting this for a long time.
Eric sighs into my mouth.
I interlace my fingers in his hair, kissing him harder, looking for... I don't know what I'm looking for really...the tingles maybe, the chill? The warmth?
Eric tightens his arms around me, attempting to go even deeper, and I permit it, because I don't know what else to do.
"You don't feel it, do you?" He whispers and I feel the tears fall.
I shake my head and start to pull away when Eric is suddenly pulled away from me, and before I have any time to react, I hear the sound of someone being punched.
"The fuck is going on here?"
Shit. Zack.
He turns to face me and a shiver runs through my spine. Zack's dark blue eyes are blazing with fury, and I know there's nothing that can stop him from doing what he wants.
"Zack, this isn't what you think it is."
Really? My subconscious shakes her head at me.
I gasp, moving backwards as Zack walks towards me.
"Then what in the hell is this, Aubrey? Because I think I just caught you kissing someone who isn't me."
"Hey, this isn't her fault, it's mine. You don't need to yell at her."
Zack doesn't even turn to face him. Keeping his eyes on me, he says. "Shut the fuck up, piece of shit. I've not even started with you yet."
He cracks his fingers.
"I can explain, Zack, I promise this isn't what it looks like."
"Okay." He blows out a breath, folding his arms across his chest. "Enlighten me."
I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Why should it? Anything I'm about to say would sound stupid. Telling him the truth is not even supposed to be an option.
"You have nothing to say, do you?" Zack says. A fresh set of tears start to fall because I just hurt two people on the same day and I have no idea how to fix this.
"You'd be happy to know that I'm not going to be a problem anymore." Eric says. "She doesn't need me."
Zack finally turns to face him. "You shitting me right now? You've always been a fucking problem and you always will be."
Eric laughs. "Yeah, a problem to you, not her. I've always been a threat to you, haven't I? It's why you hate me. You always thought she was going to end up with me, that was why you came to threaten me, scare me off? Scare those other guys off?"
Other guys? What was he talking about? And what did he mean 'threaten him?'
Zack throws another punch at Eric. "Zack!"
I look at Eric and he's hunched over.
"Shut the fuck up." Zack mutters to him.
"What?" Eric stands up and smirks. "You scared she's gonna leave you?"
"She won't." Zack grits out.
What the hell is going on?
"Yeah," Eric drawls, "that's the spirit. So tell her. Tell sweet, sweet Aubrey what you did to her past boyfriends. Tell her the secret everyone in your little friend group knows. I mean, you can't leave her out of this, can you?"
"Now's not the right time for this."
"Oh, it's the perfect time. Tell her, Norway, or I will. And trust me, you don't want me to."
Zack clenches and unclenches his fists, back tensed.
"Zack? What's he talking about?"
He doesn't turn.
"Zack?"
"You weren't ready yet."
"Ready for what? What're you talking about?"
I have a feeling that I'm not gonna like this.
"Tell her, Norway. If you think she's not going to leave you, then tell her."
Zack turns to face me.
"You didn't break up with any of your exes. I did it for you." His eyes are filled with guilt and remorse.
What?
"I still don't get what you're trying to..."
"I paid them to break up with you, and if they refused, I..." He swallows. "forced them to."
"You mean beat the hell outta..." Eric suddenly grunts as Zack throws another punch at him.
"One more word."
Zack and Eric fighting is the least of my problems right now, because I'm trying to understand what the hell he's talking about.
"I don't... that's... I was the one who always broke up with them because I lost the bets I made with you. This doesn't..." Make any sense.
"That was just to cover it all up. They did whatever I asked them to, even if that included acting. I'm sorry, Aubrey, I just..."
He tries to reach for me but I move out of his reach. I can't believe this. He hurt people.
"I was protecting you. None of those losers deserved you."
"You knew how guilty I felt when I was breaking up with them and yet you hurt them physically? Who are you? The Zack I know would never hit anybody."
"Maybe you don't know him at all." Eric puts in. That's the last fucking straw.
"I think you should leave, Eric." I meet his surprised eyes with mine.
"Aubrey, I can't just leave you with..."
"You got what you wanted, right? You kissed me one last time, and you made Zack tell me the truth. There's a lot I have to say and I don't think you should be here. You have to leave."
Eric opens his mouth to say something else buts I cut him off. "Now, Eric."
I follow Eric as he storms out so I can lock the door.
"You're choosing him over me? Seriously, Aubrey?"
"I love him, Eric." I reply in a soft tone. "Not you. You don't even love me, you're just so obsessed with me being with your first love."
I've already shut the door halfway when he says, "You know, that day when you ran out of the library into my arms, I thought... I thought you found comfort in me, and you had no idea how that made me feel."
My throat clogs up as my mind goes back to the day when I was almost... "I did. And I'll be grateful to you forever for being there for me but I just... don't feel anything anymore. I'm sorry."
And then I shut the door and lean against it, fighting the tears hard because I don't want to cry. I can't afford to.
When I open my eyes, Zack is walking towards me, and under normal circumstances, I would swoon at the way he walked, but this isn't a normal circumstance, so I try my best to school my expression, because I don't want to give anything away.
"I'm still the same person, Aubrey. I haven't changed." He says.
I want him to leave. I want to kick him out of here. I want him to leave and never come back. But I also want him to stay here with me. And I want him to give me an explanation. I want to hear what he has to say.
"Everyone knows about this?" Is what comes out of my mouth. I can't believe my friends hid this from me for so long.
He swallows. "They saw me once, and they wanted me to tell you. Erika was even ready to come tell you herself but I asked her not to."
"So you didn't think I deserved to know what you were doing behind my back?"
Zack raises his hand in exasperation. "I was protecting you!"
That's not the truth.
"Bullshit, Zack." I walk towards him so we're toe to toe. "That's what this is. Bull. Shit. Those people weren't rapists, Zack. I was safe with them just as I'm safe with you. At least I thought I was."
He opens his mouth to say something but I cut him off. "Until you're ready to tell me the real fucking reason why you paid them to leave me alone, and why you thought you could buy me,"
It hurts to look into his eyes, but I have to, "I don't think we should see each other anymore."
"Aubrey..." Zack tries to touch me but I walk past him towards the stairs. He can leave. I'd lock the door later.
I'm already halfway up the stairs when I hear his voice. "Don't leave me, Aubrey. Please."
I feel the tears pouring down my cheeks and I'm unable to take another step, partly because the tears are blurring my vision, but mostly because, Zack just begged me not to leave him.
He never begged. And he never sounded so genuine about anything.
So I turn to face him. He's standing at the bottom of the stairs, different emotions in his glassy eyes. I feel a sudden wave of anger. He's not supposed to feel like that when he's the one who hurt me.
"Then tell me, Zack! Quit holding back on me. It kills me every time you do that!"
He still doesn't say anything.
"Fuck, Zack! Why can't you just say..."
"I did it because I love you, Aubrey."
What?
He starts walking up the stairs. "I know you did. We were best friends and..."
My mouth runs dry.
"I didn't say 'loved', I said 'love'. I'm in love with you, Aubrey, I always have been. And I know I have a shitty way of showing it, but I just couldn't stand seeing you with other guys who weren't me."
He's directly in front of me now, one step lower. "I couldn't stand the thought of you loving someone else when I knew you were mine. I know that's fucking selfish of me, but I didn't care. I wanted you for myself and that was the only way I could make sure your heart wouldn't ever be theirs."
I'm unable to say anything. He's in love with me?
"But you...you had all those flings and you never...why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I didn't think you felt the same way and male ego and all, I just... had to make sure you did first." He still manages to smirk at me.
"You heard me..."
Zack nods. He heard me tell Eric.
Before my brain catches up to what my body wants to do, I'm wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him. Despite the fact that I'm on a higher step than he is, he still towers over me, and I moan into his mouth as he carries me so my legs are wrapped around his waist.
He loves me. Zack loves me. And I love him too.
I feel us moving up the stairs. "Say it."
"Say what?" I grin against his lips.
"You know what I'm talking about. You said it to Eric but I need you to say it to me. I wanna hear you say it again."
I feel my back against a door. The door to my room. I kiss him once. Twice. Thrice.
"I love you, Zack. So much."
As Zack turns the knob and carries me into the room, I realise something. We just took another risk, and this time, there's absolutely no going back if something were to happen.
Do you always have to be fucking negative all the time?
I'm not being negative. I'm being realistic.