I ignore yet another call from my dad, switching my phone off and flinging it behind me on the bed.
"You okay?" Zack asks me. I turn in the chair to face him. He's lying on his bed in only black sweatpants, arms folded behind his head.
Yes. His bed.
Zack is my math tutor, has been since we started highschool and he figured out how horrible I was at math.
I'm currently seated at his study corner, well, he'd brought the study corner to me, so I'm seated in a chair directly beside the bed, books in front of me on the table.
He'd given me a problem to solve, and to be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing.
"Yeah." I reply, smiling at him.
He rolls his eyes. "Will you stop with the fake smiles already? It's starting to annoy me." He sits up so he's sitting right in front of me, looking at me intensely.
"It's better than not smiling at all." I shrug.
Zack reaches out to tuck my hair behind my ear.
"Well, I'd rather know what exactly you're feeling, than watch you bottle them up and shut down."
The words are out before I realise it. "You literally do the same thing."
I expect him to get mad at me, but instead, he rolls his eyes and laughs.
"That's different. I can handle it. You can't even handle your baggage, much more mine. I don't want to burden you."
I'm pretty sure my heart just did a backflip in my chest. This is the furthest Zack has gone in opening up to me. At least he admitted to keeping things from me.
I heave a sigh. "I just wish you'd trust me enough to tell me about it. I'll always be there for you, no matter what. You know that, right?"
"Of course. Come here." He says to me. I take his outstretched hand and he pulls me into his lap. "This was supposed to be about you."
I meet his forehead with mine. "Nope. This was supposed to be a study session, but there's no way I'd be able to concentrate with you acting all sexy."
Zack chuckles, eyes darting to my lips and back to my eyes. "You know we have a test tomorrow, right?"
"Oh come on." I roll my eyes. "You're not trying to blow me off for a stupid test, right? We have all night to study, and we're just making out for a little while."
_____________
"Yep. We've definitely spent more than a little while." I breathe into Zack's neck as I continue to ride his fingers.
I'm still sitting in his lap, and Zack has three of his fingers inside me, and I just... can't.
You can probably guess what happened. Our make out session escalated really quickly.
"Fuck, Aubrey." Zack says into my mouth as he kisses me. I'm getting really close. And really addicted to him.
He quickens his pace, making me throw my head back as he curls his fingers inside me, hitting the right spot, while his thumb presses down on my clit.
I moan his name as I explode all over his fingers.
The next thing Zack does has me hot all over again. He raises his right hand to his lips and starts to lick them off. One by one. Slowly. Not breaking eye contact.
"Fucking perfect." He whispers when he's done.
Oh, good Lord.
Everything Zack does to me feels like heaven. Everything he says to me. Everything he makes me feel. It's all out of this world.
"You okay?" He asks when I don't say anything.
"Yeah." The corner of my lips spread into a smile. A genuine one.
I love you.
I merge my lips with his, and this time the kiss is slow, passionate, toe curling. He tastes hot, salty. He tastes of me. And fuck if that doesn't turn me on again.
"I don't think I'll ever get enough of you." Zack mutters between kisses.
"You won't have to if you make me yours." I reply, opening my eyes after I realise what just slipped out of my mouth.
"What're you saying?"
Time to get it all out, girl.
I continue. "We agreed to try this out, right?" He nods. "And it's going perfectly," he quirks a brow and I roll my eyes, "most of the time anyway."
Zack squeezes my waist, placing a kiss on the tip of my nose, gesturing for me to continue. He already knows what I want to say.
"What if you make me yours, for real this time. I want to go all in with you, and..." Zack looks down, clenching his jaw.
Guess he's not buying it. "I don't know... it's stupid..."
"No, it's not." He says, pulling me even closer to him. "I'm ready to go all in with you too. But we'll really be risking our friendship this time, Aubrey. If something happens, there's no way we'll ever be friends again, because I won't be able to do it."
Before now, there was a small chance of us going back to being friends if anything happened, but if I agree to this, that chance is completely gone, because even I will not be able to stay friends with him.
We'll be risking our friendship even more.
Are you really ready for this, Aubrey?
Are you willing to lose Zack forever?
Zack's not even saying this because he's in love with me. I know he's not. He just wants...I don't even know what he wants, but I know what I want.
I want him to let me in. I want to know whatever he's feeling. I want him to love me. But the thing is, if we're going to stay together, I'm gonna have to forget about his past.
I'm going to take whatever he's willing to give me.
"Me too." I whisper. "We can do this, right?"
Zack doesn't say anything for a while. He hesitates. "Zack, we can do this."
He kisses me once. Twice. "Yeah, we can. It's worth it if I get to make you mine. I just need to hear you say the words."
So I say them. "I'm yours, Zack. I'm all yours."
What the hell did you just do?
____________
"Okay, okay! Picture this." Tyler starts, leaning over the table. "A Christmas vacation, at my parents' lake house, just the six of us."
My chicken gets stuck in my throat.
"Who goes to a lake house when it's snowing?" Erika asks. Zack starts to rub my back because I am literally choking.
"Probably every normal person in this world. I'm in." Nick says, sliding down on his seat when Erika shoots him a glare. "On second thought, whatever you want goes."
"Oh, come on!" Peyton whines. "It'll be fun. Plus, there's a ski resort not too far away."
"You mean the ski resort owned by your parents? You're too modest, Pey." Zack laughs as he lifts a glass of water to my lips.
"Thanks." I whisper to Zack, kissing his cheek. Then I face my friends. "Glad to know no one cares if I choke to my death or not."
"Hey, at least you would be dying in your favorite restaurant." Erika shrugs. I narrow my eyes at her. "Aaand, you'd be dying in the arms of the love of your life."
I almost choke for the second time in two minutes.
"Erika!" Peyton whisper-yells at her, while secretly glancing at me.
I avoid making eye contact with Zack, because my face is crimson red right now and I am not about to embarrass myself in front of everyone in this restaurant.
"He's not the love of my life."
We just started dating for real two days ago, and it's probably a little too soon for those kind of jokes.
"Of course I am." He says. I'm pretty sure my heart's about to do a backflip, but then he turns to face me and...winks, fucking winks at me.
He was just kidding. Of course he was.
Tyler clears his throat. "So, who's in and who isn't?"
Thank you, Tyler!
I feel Zack's hand come around my waist. "It's still the middle of November. We have a lot of time to..."
His phone starts ringing in his pocket and he takes it out. I don't even get to see who it is before he takes it to his ear.
"Hey...is everything okay?" The person says something, and then he replies, "of course, I'll be there in ten."
"Are you okay?" I ask him as he completely removes his hand from my waist.
He stands up. "Um, yeah. Audrey just needs a little help with something."
"Seriously?" Erika scoffs. "You're gonna blow us all off because of Audrey? You're gonna choose her over your girlfriend? Again?"
Oh, fucking hell.
"I'm not choosing anyone." Zack mutters.
I'm not choosing anyone.
Before, it was "it's not a choice, but if it was, I'd pick you everytime.
Now he's not choosing anyone.
I place my hand over hers across the table, trying to calm her down, because she looks about ready to explode.
"Dude, seriously?" Nick asks, shaking his head at him.
Zack runs a hand through his hair. "I'm just going to help her. It won't even take twenty minutes." He turns to me, giving me an apologetic look. "I'm sorry."
Something gets stuck in my throat. He bends to give me a quick kiss. "I'll see you soon, okay?"
And then he's gone.
I've suddenly lost my appetite, for the second time in two days. The same thing happened yesterday. She needed help fixing her sink. Zack had gone over, and hadn't returned until two hours later.
"You sure you're okay?" Erika asks, turning in the front seat to face me. Peyton glances at me through the rearview mirror.
I shrug. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"
"I don't know, probably because you let your man just go attend to someone else? Someone who isn't you?"
"She just needs some help, and he said he'll be back." I know I'm only trying to convince myself. It isn't working, but like I said before, I trust Zack, I just don't trust her.
"I think you need to calm down, Erika." Peyton says to her. Erika's still upset about what happened. And I'm appalled, because this is my problem, not hers.
Erika starts to massage her forehead. She's probably having migraines again. She sighs. "You're right. I'm sorry, guys, I just can't stand Zack treating you that way anymore, and that fucking slut has to be up to something. I don't want you getting hurt, because I swear to God, someone is gonna die."
Peyton laughs, and I can't help the laughter that slips out of my mouth.
"I think you just need to get laid." Peyton says to Erika. "I could literally feel the sexual tension between you and Nick."
I lean forward so I'm resting over the center console, and Erika rolls her eyes.
"Yeah, what's up with you two?" I ask, relieved that the topic has been shifted to something else.
She sighs. "He wants a relationship and I don't."
"What do you mean you don't? We talked about this just last week. You told me you liked him."
"I do like him, but I'm not ready to be in a committed relationship. I just want something casual like..."
"Sex?" I put in.
"Oh, brother." I hear Peyton say in a smpall voice.
"Yeah, well..." She looks out the window. "I already had sex with him."
I'm pretty sure my jaw reaches the floor. "What?"
I turn to face Peyton, but she's not acting surprised.
Why isn't she surprised?
Oh, hell.
"When? Where?"
"Saturday at my house."
I glance at Peyton again. "You knew about this?"
She sighs. "Yeah."
The fuck?
"How the fuck did I not know about this?" When did we start keeping secrets from each other?
"Look, I'm sorry, okay? It was the Saturday you were out with your dad, and I was going to tell you about it, but you seemed so upset. You didn't even pick my calls. I just didn't know what to do."
Right.
I sigh. "So you don't want to date Nick, but you wanna keep having sex with him?"
"Well... Yeah." She shrugs. "I mean he's perfect," she says dreamily, then clears her throat. "in bed, but I don't want the burden that comes with a relationship. I can't love him."
"You can't or you don't know how to?" Peyton asks.
Erika starts blinking rapidly and I immediately know she's fighting tears.
"I don't know how, okay?" She chokes out. "I've not been able to love anyone since Jax..."
Broke her heart a year ago.
Peyton parks the car in front of my house.
"Look," I start. "You can't give up on love because of one fucking asshole. And in case you forgot, you're only 18 years old and you have a whole lot of years ahead of you. You can't spend all that hating boys."
Erika groans. "Okay, okay! Ugh! I hate it when you give pep talks."
Peyton laughs, and I continue. "You love it anyway. Just give him a chance, okay? If the sex is great, just imagine how it'll be when he's totally yours."
Erika starts to nibble on her lip. "Mind-blowing." She whispers. She glares at me. "I hate how you care more about my problems than you do yours."
"Yeah, well, you guys have to get used to it." I give them both a kiss on the cheek, and then I'm out the door.
Mom is in her scrubs when I walk into the house. She's grabbing her keys from the kitchen counter, ready to leave for the hospital.
"Hey, I was just about to leave for work."
"Perfect." I mutter, heading towards the stairs. I'm still not in speaking terms with my parents, and fuck if it's not hurting me.
"Honey," Mom calls out to me. Something gets stuck in my throat at the endearment. I missed hearing her call me that.
My hand clenches around the bannister. I turn to face her. "What?"
Her eyes are glassy as she asks me just one question. "Are you ever going to forgive me?"
So I give her an honest answer. "I don't know, mom."
Her face falls even more, but I run up the remaining steps, slamming the door behind me when I get into the room just to avoid looking at her. Or watching her cry.
And just so she wouldn't see me cry too.
Why the hell am I even crying?
I lie on my bed, bringing out my phone to dial Zack's number. Once. Twice. Thrice. It rings all three times, but he doesn't pick up.
I need you and you're not available.
It's been over thirty minutes since he left to Audrey's.
I don't even know when or how I fall asleep, but the sound of my phone ringing wakes me up.
It's dark outside, and my eyes feel really heavy, so I have to squint in order to see my phone clearly.
I'd hoped it was Zack, but it's not. It's Alex. It's been two hours since he left. I swipe right and take the phone to my ear.
"Hello?"
"Quick question. Any idea if your mom likes flowers on the dining table?"
I'm confused. "Um, what?"
"You guys are still coming over for Thanksgiving dinner, right?"
Oh, right. Thanksgiving's tomorrow, and my mom and I are going over to Alex and Andrew's for dinner.
"Um, yeah, sure. You'd have to ask her about the flowers though."
He's silent for a second. "Still not speaking to her, huh?"
I shake my head, then remembering that he can't hear me, say, "no."
Alex sighs. "Aubrey..."
The doorbell rings downstairs, and fucking hell, am I grateful that I don't have to listen to what he has to say.
"Um, I'll call you back, Al. Someone's at the door."
"Liar." Is the last thing I hear before I cut the call.
The doorbell rings again, and I start hurrying down the stairs.
"Coming!"
The moment I open the door to reveal who's there, my breath gets stuck in my throat, and I wish I had stayed in my room to talk to Alex.
"Can I come in?"