"I'm sorry, Cody." I say, awkwardly standing in front of my now kinda ex-boyfriend, and trying not to cringe at the tears that are streaming down his cheeks.
I hate this. I hate hurting people's feelings. Cody is the first boy I've broken up with who cried and it makes me feel even worse. I hate that Zack is making me do this. My ex-boyfriends are exes thanks to him. He'd taunt me into playing a game and making bets with him and I'd foolishly agree. I fall for it everytime, even though I know he's better than me at everything.
"We can make it work." He sniffs. "We can do fun stuff. We can..."
We never even became official. I just went out on a few dates with him because truthfully, he's cute. I don't think I've ever seen a guy cry. It makes me uneasy.
In my peripheral vision, I can see Zack leaning against his car, waiting for me. Probably laughing at me. Fortunately, the parking lot is almost empty.
"I can't, Cody. You're just not doing it for me. I'm really sorry." I say my rehearsed lines. I can't count how many times I've said those exact words in that exact order.
He shakes his head, wiping at his eyes. "No, it's cool, I guess. I just...thought we had something." I purse my lips as he gives me one last smile and walks away.
I stand there for a few seconds, loathing myself, before going over to Zack's car. He's leaning against the hood, squinting a little at me due to the intensity of the sun. His hair is end-of-the-day messy, like he's been running his hands through it.
Even though I'm mad at him for making me do this, my insides warm as I take him in. Always managing to look effortlessly gorgeous, grinning at me, spreading his arms out and wrapping them around me as I approach him.
"Did you do it?" He asks and I barely nod.
Zack presses his lips to the top of my head, releasing what feels like a relieved sigh.
"You don't have to beat yourself up about it. You didn't even like him that much." He says as he reverses his car.
I hate that he always says stuff like that. And I hate that he's always right.
"I don't like hurting people. You made me do something I didn't want to do. Again. And did you see him? He literally cried."
"Like a fucking baby." He mutters. His eyes soften as I shoot him a death glare. He heaves a sigh. "Look, I'm sorry I made you do that. But at least we have time for each other now, right?"
"Why do you do that?" I ask after a beat. It's not just out of curiosity, I need to...no, I deserve to know.
"Do what?"
"Make me break up with my boyfriends."
Zack parts his lips like he's about to say something, then shuts it. He does it again, then he puffs out a breath.
"They're just...not good enough."
I have no idea why, but butterflies flutter in my stomach at his words. But, a wave of anger also comes.
"Don't you think I should know what's good enough for me? I never ask you to break up with your girlfriends even though I can't stand the sight of any of them."
"That's different." He says.
"How so?"
"First of all, you know I never have girlfriends. Second of all, you also know that I never let a fling last more than a week. You don't need to ask me to break up with anyone cause I can do it myself. You however, need my opinion on things even though you never admit it."
Zack has never told me why he never asks anyone out, and I've never asked him because I've never been as curious as I am now.
I don't say anything and Zack mistakes my silence for anger.
"Please, Aubrey, I'm tired of fighting with you. Stop looking for reasons to..."
"I'm not mad, Zack," I reach for his hand resting between the seats "promise. If there's anyone who knows me better than I know myself, it's you. You obviously know what you're doing, and I love you for always looking out for me."
He squeezes my hand in his, swallowing like it difficult to. "I know. I love you too."
____________
I watch as mom puts her sappy romance DVD in the DVR and comes to join me on the couch. I turn slightly to face her, tucking my feet under my butt. "So?"
"What?" She tilts her head, an amused smile on her face.
I sigh in exasperation. "Oh my God, mom. Did you not hear a single word of what I just said?"
Today's Monday, and every Monday night, mom and I have a girls' night. We just relax on the couch, eat snacks, watch movies and gossip. It's her turn to pick the movie and she picked one of her sappy romances. I hate romances. I'm more of a horror/fantasy kind of girl.
She shrugs. "I didn't. Guess you have to say it again. Sorry." She's not sorry at all.
I scowl playfully. "Fine. I'll tell you again, but only because I love you."
"I'll listen this time. I promise." She says and I laugh as she crosses her heart.
Except for the blue-grey eyes, I look nothing like my mom. My jet-black hair, face and everything else is dad's. My mom is brown haired.
I think I like Zack." I breathe out, stuffing a handful of popcorn into my mouth.
Mom smirks. "Oh, I heard you the first time. I just wanted to make sure you weren't raising my hopes up just to crush them. Plus, I was doing a little happy dance in my head."
When I don't say anything, her face softens. "When did you realise how you feel about him?"
I hug my knees to my chest. When did I realise that I have feelings for my best friend? Probably three years ago in freshman year, when Zack had told off a girl he wanted to hook up with because she had insulted me. Since then, all I've done is push the feelings away to the back of my mind because I can't risk letting him know. But it's impossible to do that when he keeps kissing me and whatnot. I don't tell my mom that though. I can't tell anyone that.
"I don't know. Today, I guess. After he made me break things off with this guy that nearly became my boyfriend."
"Do you think you'll ever tell him?" She asks and I snort. "No. Never. I can't tell Zack that I'm in love with him. He's Zack. I don't want to ruin our friendship over some stupid crush."
Mom quirks her brow at me, then looks away, picking up the remote and pressing play.
"Seriously?" I snap and she shrugs.
"Honey, I don't know what else to tell you except this: tell Zack how you feel. I know he won't let you down."
Oh, sweet mother, I want to say, you don't know Zack like I do.
I lean back on the sofa, saying nothing. After this, I probably need to meditate. Anything to push those feelings away again.
____________
"What about Hale Lockhart? He's totally checking you out right now. And he's hot." Erika says, subtly pointing over to the table beside ours.
I swallow my fries quickly. "No. Way. Not interested. Two weeks ago, he came to borrow my history notes and he just stared at my boobs the whole time. He didn't even look at my face. I don't want to be with a guy who just wants my boobs."
I hear Nick snicker and I turn crimson as I realise everyone on the table heard me..
"You mean those tiny lemons on your chest?
Why would anyone want those?" Zack asks, his eyes glinting with mischief. "I mean, it's not like they're..."
I shoot him a death glare, instantly shutting him up.
"At least tiny lemons are better than baby carrots." I retort. His smirk vanishes and he narrows his eyes at me.
"Am I the only one who wants to know how Zack knows exactly how small Aubrey's boobs are?" Tyler asks and Peyton giggles. "And how Aubrey knows exactly how tiny his fuck stick is?"
I fix Zack with a glare that says "you wouldn't dare." But I know he'll dare.
He could just say he's seen me in a bikini, I mean, everyone has. But no, he decides to tell them the story of the first time he saw my boobs.
You see, Zack's room window is directly opposite mine, and my curtains are mostly see through, so I can't risk walking around naked in my room even if it's in a spot that's not in his line of sight. I mean, I could slip.
One day, last year to be precise, Zack had told me that he had basketball practice, so Erika had driven me home.
But I had nothing to do and just felt extra energetic for some reason. So I took my clothes off, played my best songs and danced like a free fucking bird.
It was when I heard his laughter that I froze. Which was a bad idea. He raked his eyes over me and kept on laughing at me and I felt so embarrassed. I mean, there was the love of my life laughing at my naked body. Another reason why I can't risk telling him how I feel. He'll laugh at me.
"Aaanyway. When she saw me, she just like, stood there looking at me."
I'm contemplating reaching across the table to strangle him, but I decide to settle for throwing a bunch of my fries at him.
"Shut up, Zack. God, I hate you so much right now." I fold my arms across my chest, bad idea, because I just made my situation much worse.
"Where's the cleavage, Aubrey? I don't see it." Zack taunts and everyone laughs.
I roll my eyes. "Okay, you've had your fun. Now shut up. I'll remember this, Zack." I say, narrowing my eyes at him.
"Sure, sure." He laughs it off.