"GOOOAAAALLLLL!" Oobleck screamed like a Mexican football announcer as I launched the last member of the opposing team out of the ring via shotgun enhanced front kick.
Rather than joy at our victory, I just felt bored. The Vytal Tournament was supposed to be about showing the world how diversity was our strength - something echoed from my past life - and something I still found no evidence of.
I'd smashed these fools like the stoic hammer of tradition, proving once again that effectiveness is our strength. Creativity and free expression were incredible values, but in a fight it is best to wear armor, pack weapons, and hit hard. This tournament felt less like a series of battles and more like smacking around a bunch of hipsters at a rave.
I felt another sigh crop up about how I couldn't be friends with Sun and his team. At least they all wielded practical weapons. And their pirate friend learned the importance of wearing a cup in their team's battle. I bet he would totally appreciate a well designed codpiece after having his balls smashed by flaming coconuts. Easy friend points and a laughable and teachable bro moment all in one. Alas, I shall never achieve bro synthesis with Team SSSN.
You know what? I am pretty sure Qrow Branwen is going to show up and show down with Winter Schnee later today. That is a guy who likes to swing big swords, drink old liquor, and bang hot chicks. We have so much in common he might as well be my brother. The knowledge that I might be able to soon make a new friend filled me with determination.
Fortunately, General Jimmy Ironwood had managed to convince the council of Vale to let Atlas take over the Vytal Festival security with his robot army, so Qrow vs Winter was a go and I got to see two of Remnant's most elite fighters go head to head. Watching Qrow drunkenly tear apart a few military mechs with his hands then pick a fight with likely the most uptight person in the world was like watching two elephants fucking. Everyone circled up to see the action.
My brother from another mother slicked back his hair like Aizen in his villain reveal and proceeded to casually evade Winter's tight assault with head movement, little side steps, and a bow that turned into a weapon flourish.
"Show her the absolute justice of shotgun swords!" I yelled out to him in support causing Weiss Schnee to glare at me like I just kicked a dog.
Sometimes I forget she is even alive. I call those days… good days.
I'll admit that Qrow fought a little more spin to win than I am comfortable with, but he spun that big sword around fast enough to justify the brief window of opportunity spinning leaves your enemy. And the torque in that attack is just ungodly. Winter wisely evaded those attacks with a gold medal earning gymnast routine.
They demonstrated high level movement and techniques at several points in the fight such as Naruto style wall running and sword light beam attacks. This was the kind of combat I wanted to be involved in, not the gimmicky crap found in the Vytal Tournament. Unfortunately, the fight ended when General Buzzkill pulled Winter back with the power of his disappointment. Good God, I can smell the daddy issues wafting off her from a quarter mile out.
It was genuinely sad at how easily Qrow and Ironwood played with the woman.
The gathering of people who fail to protect the world drew Qrow away before I got the chance to make a new friend. Off to go have a secret meeting about how bad they are at keeping Salem from any of her strategic objectives no doubt.
The double matches are where Cinder's plan for the tournament truly started. She had done a tremendous job of adjusting her own plans and manipulating Ozpin and his cult, and if I remember right she used the doubles to position her team to humiliate any potential maiden candidates besides Pyrrha, the candidate she feels she can hard counter using her natural talents. Chances are she didn't like the odds of Coco or Yang having some kind of synergy between their semblances and the Fall Maiden's power.
Mercury and Emerald, Cinder's stooges, proved their worth by utterly humiliating Coco and Yatsuhashi in the match she set up between them. Emerald made one tiny error by using her semblance during the fight, something I capitalized on by speaking to Coco after she woke up from her knockout.
After a guided conversation I now had verifiable knowledge of Emerald's hallucinogenic semblance. She was someone I'd handle personally, but I never acted on metaknowledge alone. If anyone asks why I moved against Emerald, I'd point them to Coco, and that'd be the end of that.
When I got back to the dorms, Pyrrha was getting ready to answer a summons to the headmaster's office. I went with her, cause there's no way in hell I am going to allow the league of extraordinary idiots pressure my wife into something as stupid as undergoing an experimental procedure to gain half of a power that would make her a target for the rest of her life.
The pair of us made our way up to Ozpin's creepy clocktower office and the man himself fixed a pleasant smile on his face.
"Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Arc." The immortal parasite greeted us and gestured to the only seat available besides his, "I would have brought up a second chair had I known you were coming together."
I looked around the empty office, literally just a desk and two chairs breaking up the floor to ceiling windows.
"This place is super sketchy." I let the guy know, "And did no one ever tell you that windows are a structural weakness? Kind of ruins the whole fantasy castle vibe to have such an obvious chink in the defenses."
"True enough Mr. Arc, but Beacon was only designed like a castle aesthetically, and mostly lacks the defensive layout necessary for posing a true threat to attackers even if my office didn't pose such a weak point."
"Very true." I agreed, "Definitely got the super villain feel down pat. Not even a cool guy like shotgun sword dude over there can break that."
"You're the absolute justice kid!" Qrow crowed, "This guy gets it Oz. You should listen to him. He knows shit."
"I will keep that in mind Qrow." Ozpin delivered with obvious sarcasm, "I would like you to remember that someone thinking you are cool does not in fact prove good judgement."
"It's at least the foundation for that assumption." Qrow countered.
"Perhaps," Ozpin gave him, "but we have allowed this meeting to go too far off topic."
"Mrs. Arc," Ozpin began his reveal about the supernatural side of the Remnant, "I summoned you here to discuss a matter of great importance to the security of Vale and the whole of Remnant."
The guy had Pyrrha's attention. The girl had a heroic streak a country mile wide.
"Qrow and I are members of an elite group that tracks and secures a specific phenomena throughout the kingdoms. We have asked you here today because we believe that you are next in line to receive the powers of the Fall Maiden."
"Did I hear you incorrectly?" Pyrrha asked in her typical polite manner, "Because it sounds like you just said something about a fairy tale."
"I assure you that the fairy tale about the Four Maidens of the Seasons is very real, and that legend understates the power each of these women wields. Pure elemental manipulation of the highest order independent of dust or semblance."
"And you think I am going to be the next Fall Maiden?" Pyrrha requested clarification while I kept silent about the bullshit method of pressure being used to manipulate her.
Pyrrha wasn't anywhere near being the next Fall Maiden. Cinder Fall was already halfway there, and even if the bitch wasn't, the Maiden inheritance process occurs only in the head of the current maiden as she dies. If it doesn't the power goes out into the world in an uncontrolled random inheritance. With the state of the current Fall Maiden, Ozpin can only hope to influence the process via untested means.
Glynda Goodwitch and General James Ironwood chose that time to show up and reveal that they too are a part of this grand conspiracy. One super awkward elevator ride saw us enter the Vault. An area beneath Beacon Academy with a distinct halls of Moria look illuminated with green fire bearing sconces. Full points for foreboding atmosphere, no points for reasons to call this place a vault. You are supposed to store things in a Vault, and outside of the equipment keeping the current Fall Maiden alive, the area was completely bare. Perhaps the emptiness of the Vault and Ozpin's office is a metaphor for how hollow Ozpin's current powerbase is.
As we moved, the four of them explained the inheritance process for the Maiden powers, all the while building up more pressure by vaguely hinting about impending peril and a need for Pyrrha to join their group. A hidden assailant who stole half the Fall Maiden's powers, an encroaching war with the grimm, and all that stands between humanity and evil is Pyrrha taking up the other half of the magic using an experimental Atlesian procedure.
At least my Pyrrha was smart enough to hear them out before agreeing to help them.
"Have fun convincing someone else to go along with this stupid plan." I told them as I put an arm around my wife's shoulder, "Or better yet, rather than try to cram the power into someone else as the rapidly becoming uncool man so poorly described, and wait for some kind of cataclysmic magical girl battle between your girl and whatever bitch started all this. You could just pack this room full of explosives, put up posters and projections of whoever the hell you get to take on this absurd responsibility - maybe Winter, the General certainly seems to have the woman on a tight leash - and when the assailant comes here to get the other half of the power… blow her and this vegetable to smithereens and hope for the best."
The four members of the Anti-Salem Confederation looked at me in shock, then Qrow grinned and stood up from his slouch.
"You see, Oz!" Qrow crowed, "I told you this guy knows shit! That plan is a whole lot less suck!"
"I agree." concurred the cyborg general of Atlas, "That plan not only provides us with a more reliable method of inheriting the Fall Maiden powers, but also gives us an opportunity to slay a deadly foe without risking any of our personnel."
"I feel like a fool." Ozpin admitted.
"I think we have all gotten a little too used to trying to make your less than well thought out ideas work." Glynda admitted, "We launched the initiates off a cliff this year. I just heard you say it and started working on the logistics of it rather than thinking of the catastrophic loss of life we could have caused."
And that is how I fucked over Cinder Fall once and for all.