Raj's heart dropped. Directly behind him, the chubby stature of Billy lurked.
"When'd you get here?" Raj asked, trying to play off his stutter.
"Just now." Billy looked over Raj's shoulder, "You didn't get lunch yet?"
"I'm not hungry," Raj said.
Raj realized that Josh and Abdul had resumed their conversation on their own.
Billy looked around, then patted Raj on the shoulder saying, "You should come sit with me and my boys."
Raj narrowed his eyebrows, "Um, nah I'm good."
"Oh c'mon, I told them about you, they think you're cool."
"Really?" Raj raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, it'll be fun, just for today?"
Raj looked back at his table, then back at Billy. Maybe this was a chance to befriend Billy? If he could soften up Billy, he wouldn't have to worry about losing his pencils or anything else in the future.
"Alright sure, I'll come," Raj finally agreed.
"Nice," Billy said.
Raj wasn't sure if he was seeing things, but he thought he saw Billy smirk before turning around. Raj agreeing to sit with Billy was a decision that led him into torment. And Raj knew it. The moment Raj sat down with Billy's buddies, he realized none of them knew who he was. They talked about things Raj knew nothing about. Billy only acknowledged Raj's presence to belittle him. Raj wanted to leave, but he couldn't move. He just felt frustrated. Why did he sit with them? Why? Raj asked himself. He laughed off Billy's jokes, trying not to show weakness. He was afraid they would make fun of him even more if he got up and left. So he stayed. He sat through everything. Raj wanted to snap back. But his words got stuck in his throat. Before he even realized it, the entire lunchroom started to rise out of their seats. Lunch was ending. He made it.
Raj didn't tell anyone what happened. He walked home with Makayla, Darnell, and Teemo. He didn't know how to talk about it though. What do I say? Hey guys, I got punked at lunch today! Raj thought to himself. Raj wanted to figure it out on his own. He had to save himself.
"Raj you good?" Darnell suddenly asked him. Raj's train of thought was broken as he turned his attention to his three friends, all of which were focused on him.
"Yeah I'm-" his voice was coarse. He cleared it, "Yeah, I'm straight."
"You sure?" Makayla asked this time.
Raj's eyes met hers. Makayla's face was soft, and her eyes radiated like maple leaves in the sunlight. The compassion in her eyes burned brightly. So much so, Raj felt it warming up his soul. He couldn't look her in the eye. Raj turned straight ahead and lied to Makayla, "Yep. Just chillin'." Raj lied to Makayla. He lied to all three of them. He tried to act normal for the rest of the afternoon, and he wasn't sure if they were falling for it.
The next day, Billy only pressured Raj even more. He told Raj to sit with them again. Raj felt a burning rage in his heart. He wanted to fight back. "Sure," he told Billy. During class, Billy leaned over to Raj's desk and started copying Raj's answers for the assignment. Raj noticed, and his blood boiled even more. But for some reason, every time he told himself to stop Billy, his body wouldn't move. Throughout the day, Raj could only think about what he would do to Billy at lunch.
I'm going to fight him. I'm going to embarrass him. Raj constantly told himself. All day, Raj kept imagining scenarios of Billy making a remark at Raj and Raj making a witty snapback. Or, if Billy put his hands on him, Raj imagined how he'd make Billy back down with just words. I'll get 'em. I'll make him regret messing with me. Raj thought.
Lunch came again. This time, Raj took the initiative to sit at Billy's table. Not just his table, but where Billy sat. Raj got out his lunchbox and grabbed the PB&J sandwich. He tried to chew it, but his jaw felt tired. His heart was pounding again. Raj's mind started to go blank. It was like everything he'd been preparing was being flushed away.
Raj desperately tried to remind himself of everything he'd told himself to do. But nothing came back to him. Raj looked up and across the cafeteria, he saw Billy entering with his friends. It was time. All Raj had to do was stay exactly where he was. Raj continued to eat his sandwich, while trying to prevent his hands from shaking.
Billy and his friends made it to the table. Raj pretended to not notice. He'll have to sit in another spot, Raj assured to himself. Raj's entire body was suddenly being thrown to the side. His butt slid across the bench and he nearly dropped his food. Billy sat down and continued talking to his friends. Raj was just shoved out of the way. Do something, Raj told himself. His heart pounded more, and he couldn't even raise his food to his mouth. Raj felt as if an elephant was resting on his shoulders. Why couldn't he move? He better not say anything to me, Raj told himself. Surely, he would win the verbal battle. Raj waited for his moment. Thinking about nothing else but snapping at Billy.
Lunch went along, with them ignoring Raj. Raj could barely eat so he just took his phone out of his pocket and started fiddling with it. He just swept along the home screen, randomly opening apps just to close them right away.
Finally, Raj heard his name get brought up. He had no idea what they were saying prior, but he knew they were talking about him now.
"-you don't have any friends right Raj?" was all Raj heard.
Raj didn't think about it. He didn't hesitate, he just let out the first thing he could think of.
"Yo Billy can you shut up?" Raj managed to utter. He tried his best to say it with assertiveness, but his voice was too shaky.
"What?" Billy exclaimed.
Billy's greasy fingers took Raj by the front of his shirt and pulled him up. Raj was face-to-face with a Billy whose face was twisted with rage. "What did you say?" Billy demanded Raj to repeat himself.
Raj's hands shook even more. His heart pounded harder. He looked Billy in his eyes. He couldn't move. He couldn't even open his mouth.
"That's what I thought," Billy huffed, and released Raj.
Raj wanted to cry. His legs and hands were trembling. Billy's friends were laughing. Their eyes stabbed into his heart, leaving even more wounds. They continued making remarks at Raj. Raj just continued to pretend he didn't hear them. He stared at his phone screen, swiping along it desperately. Stop. Stop. he cried within his head, commanding his eyes to not release the tears forming.
Seconds felt like minutes. Minutes felt like hours. Raj just wanted the day to be over. When lunch finally ended, he let everyone else go before him. Billy patted Raj on the back, "See ya tomorrow."
Raj took a deep breath at Billy's remark. He took many deep breaths to calm himself down. No one would know. No one would see his weakness.
During class, Raj remained silent except for when he had to speak. Everything around him seemed muffled. In Anatomy, Vanessa called out to Raj, "Raj, would you have her, bang your geese or side a cheek carving lions?"
Raj looked up from his desk and blinked rapidly at Vanessa, who had an unsettling half smile. He glared at her before responding, "What?"
"Would you rather fight a gang of geese or play hide and seek with starving lions?"
Raj's eyes widened, grateful for the clarification. He realized he had been completely disconnected from his surroundings. He shook his head to clear it, then thought about her question. "Um, the lions are going to eat me I'm assuming?"
"Yes, they will tear at your flesh like it's bacon."
"Geez, okay I'll-" Raj's train of thought was interrupted by an image of Billy's face. His chest twisted in uneasiness. Raj paused. He let his desire to bring pain to Billy and his friends erupt within him. "I'll fight the lions and the geese."
Vanessa's blank expression remained unchanged. She responded bluntly, "That's not an option."
"Then I'll make it an option."
Vanessa smacked her teeth before turning to her phone, "Okay… how about this?"
Raj awaited the next question.
Vanessa continued, "Would you rather, cut your tongue on a rusty needle… or squeeze hot coals as tight as you can?"
Raj paused for a moment. "How long am I holding the coals?"
"Hmm… 20 seconds."
"That's long enough for me."
"So the coals?"
"Long enough for me to crush them into fine dust."
Vanessa's face dropped, "Okay. Nevermind."
"What?" Raj asked her, confused.
"You're being weird today."
Raj couldn't formulate a response to her statement. His thought process kept being derailed by what happened at lunch. Raj just stared off into space, completely ignoring Vanessa.
At the end of the day, Raj walked his usual path to meet up with his friends. He exited the class, navigated down the maze of halls and through the flood of people, and was still lost in thought. His body only acted on auto-pilot. Another student bumped into Raj hard enough to make Raj spin half around. Raj came back to reality to identify the assailant. Unfortunately, they were already hidden within the sea of students. Ooh if only I caught you, Raj thought to himself. Then Raj observed his surroundings. He was near the entrance to the cafeteria, which led to the school courtyard outside. The courtyard was the usual meet-up spot for him and the others. In a few minutes, Darnell was going to be there. Teemo would be there. And, his heart sank when he thought about it, Makayla would be there too. Raj couldn't see Makayla again.
Makayla had been there for him for years. She was always a shoulder for him to lean on. Makayla was the one who gave him medicine when he had a stomach ache. Makayla was the one who helped him walk home when he rolled his ankle. Makayla was the one who copied over all her notes for a test for him when he lost his. Makayla was the one who gave him a spare shirt when he slipped in mud. For years, Raj had found trouble, and Makayla was there to pick him up again.
Raj walked over to a wall and had to hold it. His chest was tightening at the thought of her protecting him again. For once. Just for once, Raj wanted to be strong on his own. For once, he didn't want Makayla to go out of her way for him. Raj grabbed his chest in agony. Despite the hordes of kids walking past him, and the roaring of all their footsteps and conversations, Raj felt alone. He couldn't see anything. He couldn't hear anything. All he could feel was the agonizing pain in his chest. Like his heart was being ripped apart. Why can't I just be better? Raj questioned himself. His vision became blurry with tears. Stop. Stop. Please. Raj commanded his body. But the pain wasn't ending. Did it have an end? Would it continue like this for the rest of his life?
I can't see Makayla. Raj asserted. Instead, he went the long way around the courtyard. He didn't answer his phone. He didn't look back. He just went home. Alone.