'' someone should have told me that love is only for the brave few who can endure the overwhelming emptiness, shame, and lack of self-awareness.
Because I lost myself to someone I care for, and though I will reclaim myself one day, it will take time, this is going to take a while. I wish someone had told me this earlier.''
I went back through it again. I discovered ate Eve own diary in her messenger. Halos ma memorize ko na lahat dahil ilang ulit ko ng binasa. She's in immense pain the entire time. She's been through a lot and it's because her boyfriend Levi cheated on her. Hindi ko na tuloy masukat kung gano na kalaki ang galit ko sa kanya. Lalo na't after the funeral lumipad nalang ito kung saan at hindi na nagpakita.
It's been 5 years since Ate Eve's death. Everything appears back to normal in our house, but sometimes we just cried silently in our rooms, and we are still in mourning for Ate's death. Napakalaking pagsubok ito sa aming pamilya. We went through a lot, and I was even diagnosed with some mental illnesses and phobia na siyang rason kung bakit na home school lang ako for the past few years at ngayon na college lang napag pasyahan na mag aral sa physical na paaralan.
''Why Dalminton? Sa Garron nalang sana para same tayo, Amph!'' Kuya said as he pulled over in front of my new school. He's still can't accept that I choose the rival university of his University that he attended right now.
''Don't be clingy kuya.'' Yan lang sinabi ko bago bumaba.
''hehe, Di lang sanay kuya mo na wala ka 24 hours sa paningin niya'' mom said and she just laugh and then they both laugh.
''El! Fighting!'' pahabol na sigaw ni Mom at nag fly kiss naman si kuya. Tumango lang ako at bahagyang ngumiti.
Mom and Kuya already have left, but I'm still standing at the front gate. I was excited about my first day of school back then, but now I want to leave when I saw a bunch of guys pass by me while. They are staring at me strangely, and it gives me goosebumps. My gut was telling me to take a step back, and I did pero may bigla nalang nabungo sa likod ko at sa gulat ay ako itong natumba.
''What the f*ck? Could you please exercise caution? I almost dropped my phone!'' sigaw niya.
I'm on the floor cuddling with dust and dirt, but he still has the audacity to be angry when he's the one who bumped me behind. Man is a complete disaster. Why they are born in the first place They are just a total annoyance in any way. Kay aga-aga nasira na ang mode ko because of this rude and arrogant stranger!
But I didn't say anything. I just get up on my own and walk out as if nothing happened. But deep down, I'm irritated. I swear to God, hinding-hindi ko kakalimutan ang pagmumukhang yun.
I walked down the street as if I was familiar with it, and yes, I skipped my first day of school. Naglakad lang ako kung saan-saan hangang napadpad ako sa isang coffee shop. I have a strong sense of smell, so even from a distance, I can smell a nice aroma of the coffee, so I decided to stop by and have some Espresso.
Right now, I'm sipping my espresso and trying to knock the bad vibes that have accumulated in my mind as a result of what happened a while ago. Pero may bigla nalang komusyon na nangyari sa coffee shop.
*slap*
''Kay aga mo namang makipag break! Nagkakape lang ako ng maayos tapos dumating ka bigla at sinabing hindi mo na ako mahal? Ano yun? Nagising ka lang at napagtanto mo na mahal mo pa ex mo? Tang'ina mo !'' sigaw niya sa lalaki. As soon as the girl finished her speech, she left the coffee shop at hinabol naman siya ng guy.
There are cheaters all over the place. They are evolving into various types of scumbags. Napalinga-linga nalang ako. Kay weird ng umaga ko. For God seek 8:00 am palang. Pero winaksi ko nalang ang lahat, as I said ''knock the bad vibes'' I want to cherish the time I spend outside without my mother and brother. They have been very protected as a result of what has occurred, I didn't even go outside sa mga taon na nakalipas. Ako ang masyadong na apektohan sa nangyari at hindi kinaya ng isip kaya I was very mentally ill, which is why I went through Psychiatric Rehabilitation.
Natapos ko na ang kape ko kaya lumabas na ako. I want to stay more longer there pero medyo pa dami na ang tao, It's uncomfortable for me lalo na't tinititigan nila ako or it's just my imagination.
''How's your first day?'' My brother asked as I sat in the front seat of his car. Yeah, sinundo na niya ako dahil ayun sa school schedule ko 4:30 pm ang out ko ngayon. Pero wala siyang alam na hindi ako pumasok at nag gala lang at bumalik lang ng school para maabutan niya ako sa labas ng gate.
''Okay lang'' bored kung sagot as usual
'' Wala bang nangbully or something? Just tell me at lilipat ako ng school para malapit lang talaga ako sayo''
'' wala naman '' sagot ko ulit.
Nag drive na si kuya paalis at wala na kaming imikan. Hindi na siya nagsalita at parang nakikiramdam lang.
When we arrived home, I couldn't see Mom; it appears that she is still at work. I went straight to my room and sat in my bed, thinking about everything. It became my hobby, and I couldn't stop myself. I may be completely silent, but you have no idea how much I am thinking. When I feel even a smidgeon of happiness, I immediately think of my sister's plight. I convince myself that I am not allowed to be happy because my sister died in pain and anguish.
Prior to what happened, I was very curious about love, specifically love to your opposite sex. To be honest, I couldn't wait to have a boyfriend at a very young age. I want to feel that heartbreak where I couldn't stop crying and begged someone to stay. It's kinda exciting for me, and it's a scene I'd love to see in a romance movie or novel. But things are very different right now. I won't even acknowledge love or affection. I'm not going to waste my time on such frivolous things in life. I despise men and don't want them to enter my life with their lies. Aside from my brother, I will never like men because even our own father abandoned us when I was still in my mother's womb.
It's another day, and it's my second day of school. I want to skip class again, but what's the point of asking my mother to send me to physical school is when I'm just being like this, skipping class on my first day, and planning to skip class again on my second day. Kaya paninindigan ko nalang toh.
I went to my department's building and looked around for the room for my first subject, but the building is huge and I'm completely lost. Also, I'm a little nervous because my first subject is about to begin. I don't want to ask and bother someone, but I don't have a choice. I looked around and noticed a group of students walking down the hall. I can't ask them when they're in groups because I'd bother them all, so I cast my gaze again and noticed a girl sitting alone in the corner of the student lounge. I begin walking in her direction and come to a complete stop in front of her. I'm not sure where to begin; I'm still debating what to say when it's clear in my mind that I'll simply say, "Where is the A-10 room?"
'' ah? May kailangan ka?'' tanong niya ng mapansin na niya ako. And I Realized, siya yung babae sa coffee shop kahapon.
''I'm lost.''
Oh sh*t! Yun lang nasabi ko. Nagmumukha tuloy akong bata na Nawala sa park!
''Oh, you're new! But don't English English me, please. My nose will masturbation.''
What? Did she just say masturbation?
'' I mean, menstruating!'' sure niya pang saad.
''It's nose bleeding… I believe you meant to say that''
'' Oh yeah ! yeah!''
What a weird girl.
'' Anong room ka ba ngayon?'' glad she asked!
'' A-10''
'' Shoot! Same! Tara na mali-late na tayo! Hindi na sana ako papasok eh. Pero ikaw ata ang anghel na pinadala ni lord sa akin para sabihin na kailangan kung pumasok hahaha!'' she said, and she just grabbed me, and we both ran to the specified room. At napagtanto ko na nasa second floor pa pala ito.
'' Good Morning Miss Santos!'' masigla niyang bati ng nasa bukana na kami ng pinto. Nagsilingunan tuloy ang mga iba pang estudyante sa loob.
I believe the class has already begun, but as I noticed on the whiteboard na may subject orientation lang na nakasulat kaya nag assume nalang ako na it's not really a big deal.
'' Oh no! I believe you are Miss Garcia the transferee; why are you absent on our first day? or are you simply not interested in my subject at sa time ko lang hindi ka pumasok?'' Miss Santos just spoke pero hindi ako nakatingin sa kanya dahil nahagip ng mata ko ang isa na namang pamilyar na mukha. He's just staring out the window and appears to be uninterested in the class.
'' Miss Garcia?
'' I was sick yesterday Ma'am'' rason ko nalang out of nowhere.
After a seconds nasa harap na ako ng lahat. All eyes are on me, even the guy who bumped me at the front gate yesterday.
Damn! I don't know to introduce myself! Pano ba to? Name lang naman siguro diba?
''Amm, I'm...….. Elmira Garcia…..'' I can't stop biting my lower lip because of the nervousness and intense feeling I'm experiencing as everyone stares at me. Wala na akong masabi pa at nag bow nalang. I just forgot I'm not Japanese. May nakita tuloy akong may nagpipigil ng tawa pati yung babae na kasama ko kanina. I was about to walk over to my seat nag nagsalita ulit si Miss Santos.
'' habaan mo naman ng kunti'' she said.
I turn to face the class, and I can see in their eyes that they want me to tell them more about myself also. Wala akong choice at napabungtonh-hininga nalang.
'' I'm Elmira Garcia, I'm 18 years old, and I've spent the last 5 years of my life homeschooling. Last summer, I begged my mother to let me be a regular student in a university because I thought it was a good idea, but I realized yesterday that it wasn't.''
Some of my classmates laughed, possibly because they thought I was joking or being sarcastic.
'' I hope we can get along, but please don't cross the line.'' I even smiled at the end. I'm not sure what it looked like, but I hope it wasn't creepy.
'' Thank you, Miss Garcia; that was an excellent self-introduction so far.'' Natatawang puna na Miss Santos at nakikisabay narin ang iba pang estudyante. She's cool, I think…
'' Please take the seat next to Mr. Vanzuela.'' Dagdag niya sabay turo kung saan ako uupo.
I just realized it's a seat next to the arrogant guy.
Binabawi ko na. Miss Santos is not that cool!
I had a disgusted expression on my face as I looked at him. I'll sit next to the guy who bumped into me yesterday and shouted at me in public. Now that I'm thinking he'll be my seatmate for this subject, I'd like to drop it for good.