I'm starting kindergarten soon. For the last five years my mom has been preparing me for school, I'm very excited. She takes me to playgrounds every Friday so I will learn how to interact with other kids. Every Saturday we go to the library and read a new book, she's says it will help with my English language arts skills. Every Sunday we go shopping and meal prep for the week because she says if you are not organized your life will fall apart. On Monday she wakes me up at 6:30, do normal hygiene stuff, eat 2 scrambled eggs and a peanut butter cliff bar with 8oz of orange juice. Then we watch good morning America from 7:00 am to 8:00 am. Then she takes me up Clifford Street to school, even though Bradley Street only takes 7 minutes and Clifford takes 10. On Tuesday she wakes me up at 6:30, we do normal hygiene stuff, Eat rice crispy cereal and a banana on the side with 8oz of chocolate milk. Then we watch good morning America from 7:00 am to 8:00am then we go up Clifford Street to school. We do the same thing every day, me and her, every week. Sometimes I get bored but it's fun because the house is always clean and always know what we are going to do today, it doesn't really matter though because no one ever comes to our house and I never see anyone, except my mom, outside of school. She doesn't like when things interrupt our flow, that's why I'm scared because she told me Shes pregnant and Theres going to be another one of us.
She hates change, I doubt she liked me too much. I'm not four, I'm five, I know you need a man and a woman to order a stork. WHO's the father? My mom doesn't have friends, Shes never talked about anyone other than her parents a couple times. She told me it's a guy she met at work; I didn't even know my mom had a job like they do on tv. When? While I'm at school? I feel betrayed. I thought she spent the whole day listening to Michael Strahan talk about the new Ariana Grande album and locking the door twice and preparing matching outfits for the two of us on the next day. Two weeks after she told me this man , named brad, moved in with us, I don't like him because its hard to talk to him because I don't know how to talk to strangers, or anyone really, even at school I don't really have friends, but I still like it because Theres never the same day twice. Over the next few months my mom started to change our routine, we stopped watching good morning America because Shes still sleeping and Brad takes me to school up Bradley Street, I get to school 3 minutes earlier now so I'm first in line to pick a seat in P.E. But my mom stopped doing all her normal cleaning and planning and started focusing on cleaning and prepping for the baby nonstop. The only thing somewhat the same is how we go shopping on Sunday, except now Brad comes and it takes 2 hours longer because we must go to the baby supply store. I feel invisible. For 5 years my mom never changed a thing but in 6 months she has changed everything in the world for this baby, does she love the baby bump more? That's right, I don't see it as baby anymore, just a bump that ruined my life and made my mom not herself, she doesn't feel responsible for everything in the world anymore, just the Bump.
I'm working up the courage to tell my mom and Brad what they are doing to me. I don't feel like I have a mother anymore, I feel like a chore, and my mom hates chores because it means something's not right and someone didn't do their part. Everyone needs to do their part, But I don't feel like my mom's doing her part anymore, Hypocrite. We aren't going to the playground, we aren't going to the library, we don't watch good morning America, our breakfasts are random every day, my doesn't even lock the door anymore, brad does, once. But I'm not going to tell my mom or brad this because I'm not brave, I'm awkward and the baby bump just made this worse, because I was always awkward at school, but I got to come home and just not have to worry about anything, but now I never feel safe and I'm always on edge, it's exhausting. My mom, who is supposed to protect me, doesn't have time for me and I don't know Brad at all. I'm alone. But before I go back to my room I hear my mom crying, sad crying. My mom never feels sad, she can't feel sad she's the one making me sad. I go to the door to hear what she is saying to Brad. I hear "It's worse the baby's making it so much worse, I can't sleep because I can only sleep if every part of me is sleeping, and this baby never sleeps. It won't stop growing and kicking and I need to make sure everything's prepared, so this baby comes into a organized and neat world, not my world of crazy". Brad responds by saying " No you don't, I'm here, its not all on your shoulders to make sure this baby can have a good life". My mom's response makes me feel seen and loved again, but in a different way. One with mutual emotions not one where we just do all the same stuff together every day. "That's what little Ben's dad said too before he left because he couldn't handle all of me, and I was so excited for Bens arrival because I wanted to have someone to shape and love. "And you have" Brad responds. "But I'm scared I can't do it twice, I already basically started neglecting him, we never go to the library or the park, he never talks anymore. I know he feels alone but I just don't know what to do".
This wasn't all about me, My mom's the one with the OCD, not me, I'm just feeling the effects. I cant let her know I'm feelings this, it will just make her feel bad. But as I walk away Brad hollers "Ben come back". I turn around and hear Brad say "IM sorry if I ever made you feel like you can't tell me your emotions ". Dang I think am I that bad at hiding my emotions, I guess I have never had strong emotions to hide. But then I go on to explain to him that I just don't want to worry her more. "Wow you really are your mother's son; I'm going to tell you what I told her, it doesn't all fall on to your shoulders, me and your mom are here to clean up any mess in your life, so you are free to grow all you can. "Before I can say "thank you" my mom comes out of her room, looking like a mess, she seems like her mind is clearer and Shes not obsessing over making sure everything, including herself, is perfect. She looks less stressed, which makes me feel less stressed. She says the doctor called and It's a Girl. They hug each other and I hear your going to have a little sister Ben. All my feelings, my sad feelings, go away and I feel excited and for the first time in my life Brave. Mom and Brad go on a whole thing about how they will love me equally and she will just require more attention, and how things will be a little different from now on but in a good way, I think to myself no one can cure my mom, but my sister will help her see more than just me and routine. Brad starts talking about how its ok if I don't feel the same way but he tells me he sees me as his son. He says the words "I believe in my kids' 100 percent, when you have confidence in them, they have confidence in themselves" and I quickly stop moving in shock and say Michael Strahan said that, do you watch good morning America? His response is just " I love good morning America".