0:43- Matilda
How long has it been?
(Art)
I sigh as I sit on the airport bench feeling nervous as I look around me.
People hugging relatives, people excited to go on a vacation, other people looking busy seeming they're here for business, and me regretting leaving Shanghai to come back home.
I only came back for my parents who were worried that I already spent enough time away from them, but... it honestly felt like I needed more than what I had.
I met amazing friends, learned more about my culture and people, learned more about my interest and and... and about myself as my own person. Where I wasn't just ladybug that was always getting attacked by hawkmoth, or the person that always had to push her real life away, her real-life problems to put on this superhero act to save everyone else while putting herself at risk, I wasn't just someone that everyone looked up to who wasn't even the real me.
I was Marinette.
And now that I'm back I feel like I'm turning back into my old self where I didn't know what I was feeling or doing, where I was just a body that was controlled by everyone else other than myself.
I can remember the day like it was yesterday. Where I begged my parents in tears if I can just step away from school, step away from the bakery, to step away from them, and to step away from Paris itself. I wrap my arms around myself as I recall the moment, trying to calm myself down.
--
"Marinette sweety what's wrong?" my mother called as I fell to my knees and let the tears swallow my face.
That day was horrible, I don't exactly remember why I broke down in that moment. I guess it was all my emotions built up because I didn't want to be taken advantage of by hawkmoth. During that time I can only remember the pressure I gave myself that day when I felt like I couldn't save the person that was being akumatized, or maybe it was days before when Alya said I was being a horrible friend for always disappearing on her when I had to change into ladybug to save Paris, it could've been anything that happed ever since I became ladybug, but deep down I know why I broke down to my parents.
"I- I c-can't do it a-anymore, I need to g-get away p-please," I begged.
"G-get away from what? Y-your scaring me my love," she looks down at me as I feel myself losing my breath "M-Marinette honey b-breathe," my mom grabbed me by my shoulders "Tom! Tom!" She yelled for my dad as she wiped the tears from my eyes.
"Calm down sweety- j-just breathe," her breath shaked as I cried louder.
"I w-want to g-go," I cried "p-please please."
"What's going on-," my father came into the room and quickly got on the ground grabbing me as well looking at my mother with a scared and confused expression.
"I-I d-don't know she c-came to me and began c-crying," my mom began to cry.
"D-dad, p-please send me away, p-please," I cried "I-I can't stay here a-anymore, I w-want to leave."
I pushed them softly away from me as I rub my hands together and cry harder "Please just m-move me away f-from h-here."
My parents grabbed me trying to make me stop my movements.
"Tell us why," My dad looked at me worried.
I look at him, tears running down cheeks and whisper a small please "I d-don't know w-who I am?"
My father looked at me with a confused expression "Marinette," he called as I look at him as his eyes began to water "You're o-our daughter," he began sniffing back his tears "p-please tell us what's going on," he begged.
I shook my head as get on my knees and beg in front of them repeating the word Please over and over again as they watched in horror.
And after crying for what seemed forever my parents got me off the floor and we had a conversation about what was going on with me which I only explained issues that dealt with Marinette and not Ladybug. I remember explaining how sometimes I didn't fit in with everyone and how it felt like everyone was moving on, finding what they wanted to do.
I recall sitting in front of them as my brain processes everything that had to do with my own life. It felt like no matter how I try to separate my two lives to protect myself, my friends, and family; it was just never going the way I planned. Birthdays being over taken over by Paris calling for Ladybugs and Chat Noirs savings, to special occasions at school being over turned by Hawkmoths sudden take over of innocent peoples emotions, friend hangouts delayed to me running late, promises with the people I love to just be forgotten and broken due to my busy schedule of my both lives.
I explained about my self-confidence and how I see myself, as a nobody.
Marinette was a Nobody.
Sometimes I still think like that no matter how hard I try to change how I view myself..
Compared to Ladybug I am nobody. I felt like if Marinette left no one would bat an eye, no one would mourn me or care for me, no one would notice if I disappeared.
I told them about how I felt that my feelings were being played around with sometimes, how sometimes Adrien would show this ounce of interest then just leaves me alone, how I felt like I've done so much only for him to just like ladybug and to date another girl. My emotions were completely pushed aside so our friendship wouldn't be ruined, but I just felt sometimes he led me on, with just a little bit of interest he showed me made me feel like he could've liked me back, but I was always wrong, and in full honesty now that I look back at it I felt as though I was being a little to upfront about how I felt towards Adrien.
Once they heard everything all I remember is my mom crying as my dad held on to her as she repeated sorry over and over, as my dad tried to calm her down, they both apologized without realizing how much pressure I've been putting myself into and that no one should feel the way I did. From there my mom stood up before grabbing her phone and calling my uncle as she held back her tears, my dads eyes never left her as he sniffed back his tears.
"Uncle," I listened as my mother held back her shaky breath "I need to ask for a favor please."
I couldn't hear from then on.
That night my parents called me out to the kitchen and explained what was going to happen, "your mom has asked her Uncle Wang to let you stay with him for a few months to figure yourself out, t-to rest," my dads voice quivered as he lifted his hand to his eyes as he tries to subside his tears "I know you're -," he sadly sighed "your mom asked if you could stay in China for a bit, a few months? O-or however much you need to regain your self-esteem; he said it will be alright and he'll clean a room out for you." I glanced at my mom as she tried to hide her frown with a forced smile "We just want you to feel better, I can book you a flight so you can leave in about a w-week," she sniffed as she began to cry lightly "just please leave your room the w-way it i-is," I nodded as I walked to them and fell into their arms.
"I'm sorry I am not able to handle my emotions, I-I am s-sorry. You guys never d-did anything wrong, y-you're amazing parents and a-anyone would be lucky to call you mom and dad," I cried "I promise I will come back and feel better in no time."
"Oh my sweet child," my mom cried loudly as my dads grip got tighter, as I hugged them feeling like I made a mistake.
After that day I rethought my decision on leaving Paris, Hawkmoth stopped showing up and I didn't really understand, I talked to Chat Noir to only patrol night and left without ever explaining what was going on with myself. I asked Tiki to find out any information that she can with Hawkmoth and she came back with nothing, she was confused and seemed worried, I didn't know if it was alright if I can just leave Paris the way it is. I was called one day by Master Wang Fu as explained what was exactly going on, it seemed like Hawkmoth's Kwami was seriously hurt from a battle before, he went to hiding and is currently finding another way to grab our miraculous without using his, another reason is that he was hurt internally.
I had built up my courage over the past few days to tell Master Fu about what has been happening and ask if it will be alright to leave for a bit. I remember almost crying thinking he would say I was being selfish and wanting to give back my miraculous, of course I would've understood and would've given up my life as Ladybug for my own mental health, but he was rather sadden at the fact that I kept all my stress to myself, that I couldn't even tell him about how I felt and what I was experiencing.
"I understand that being a holder of a Miraculous can be a difficult path, I wish you would've told me how you felt then keep it to yourself," he sighed and looked up at me as I bow lightly feeling horrible "you could've gotten hurt Marinette," tears slid down my cheeks "you yourself are just as important as everyone else, I didn't choose you because I believed you can be perfect, I chose you because you ,are a kind, courageous young lady that I felt will do an amazing job as being herself. It is alright to have emotions and to sometimes cry to yourself, it is not alright to bottle them up, it doesn't make you a hero, being open and vulnerable does. I am sad to see how much this is hurting and breaking your beautiful soul, I will grant this need of leaving and I will not take Tiki away from you, she loves you as her very own as you love her," he sighed before standing up and walking my way as he pats my back softly as I let myself cry more. "You're a brave and amazing child, I couldn't be any more happier I chose you to be yourself out in this world, please rest child and find yourself again, I will handle everything from here."
I gripped my pants as I cried harder "I'm sorry Master Fu, I'm sorry for this."
"There is nothing wrong with having emotions."
Throughout the week I packed up my most important belongings and shipped them off to China where I will be staying for a while, I was caught packing my things in the room as Alya came in excited over another thing for her blog only to stop as she saw the box.
"What's going on?" She walked towards me as she glanced into the box "Why is all your clothes in there?" she laughed lightly "donating?" she asked as I look up at her and let out a heavy sigh as I sit on my bed looking down at my hands, at that time I still felt ashamed but tried to understand that what I was doing was okay and normal. Alya sat next to me as she lowered her head making eye contact with me as her small smiled turned into a confused expression "hey Marinette what's wrong?" she grabbed my hand softly.
"I was going to tell you, I mean I just needed to make sure everything was set-," I began.
"Tell me what?" she cut me off.
"I-I'm just not doing okay you know. I'm n-not doing well mentally, and I just need a break?"
"A vacation I'm assuming," she stated as she let out a small chuckle "girl that's okay your parents probably surprised you, I mean I would have loved being invited, but whatever, I just don't understand why in the middle of the year and why you're packing your clothes in a box rather than a luggage. Come on get up I'll help you pick out some cute outfits, where are you all going? -"
"Alya," I cut her off as she tried to pull me up.
"Yeah?"
"I'm not going on an vacation," I sighed as look up at her trying not to shed a tear.
"Marinette? Hey what's going on why are you about to cry, and why are you packing?" She asked as she sits beside me.
"I'm leaving for a bit to Shanghai to stay with my uncle for a bit."
"What? Like for a month?"
"Maybe more," I turned to her as he lips form into a tight line as her nostrils flare lightly.
"All of a sudden?" she said rather sternly "or did you know about this for a while and decided to tell me whenever you felt like it? I mean you couldn't have just decided this yesterday, so how long have you known?"
"I-It just happened about a week ago, I was going to tell you, b-but I had to make sure everything would be okay and tell you when I had the chance," I mumbled as she ripped her hand from my soft grasp.
"Is this why you haven't showed up to class? I mean you couldn't have sent me a message?" she began to pace around my room.
"Why would I text such an important conversation through text? Alya please just l-listen why-," I tried to explain before she cut me off once again.
"Aren't you being a bit selfish?"
"Please Alya don't be like this," I begged as I sniffed "right now I'm dealing with a lot and I don't feel okay- I mean look at me, have been acting like my normal self lately."
"I knew, but I didn't want to pressure you, I was waiting for you to tell me what's going on, but like always you never tell me what's up, I'm always waiting for you to explain many things. However I was dust it off my shoulder and wait for you to come to me," she yelled lightly as she looked down at me "What so now I have to just accept this sudden move, what about me huh?" her eyes soften as she let out an aggravated sigh "don't you think you should tell your best friend about these things?"
"I know I-I'm sorry please, I just can't be here anymore I need some time away from here, I need to be away from everyone."
"Even me?" Her voice shakes as I looked up at her and feel tears leave my eyes "can I ask you something Marinette? Was I ever your best friend? Do I seem untrustworthy to the point where you keep all these 'supposed' hardships? Huh?"
I looked down at my shoes and felt ashamed "I barley told my parents a week ago and they suggested to spend some time away from Paris, I don't know how long I will be gone, I just need to clear my head."
"From what? Can you tell that at least? I came over today to check what's going on with you to make sure MY best friend is okay? I just assumed you probably had a cold since you texted like normally, never would I have thought that you would be moving to a whole other country, I mean honestly, I am so confused and bewildered at this sudden news," she said.
"You're my best friend too," I whispered.
I felt her eyes on me as she tapped her foot "it sure doesn't seem that way Marinette," I felt my heart crack lightly as I try hold my tears back.
"Alya I swear, I mean this at the bottom of my heart I was going to tell you as soon as everything sorted-."
"That is not it Marinette! God can't you see it's n-not about telling me late- it's how you kept how you've been feeling away from me, had I known maybe I could've changed something you know? Maybe we should've spent more time then me always being on my blog- like a damn maniac," she cried "how long Marinette how long have you been feeling this horrible?"
I stayed quiet, she sat next to me again and grabbed my hand "maybe we can fix this hm? Maybe we should spend some time hanging out rather then just in school, we can do all the things you want okay? So please just stay here," she gripped my hand lightly.
I shook my head and took a deep sigh as I look at her smiling softly as her face frowned even more "I can't stay here anymore, I need time to myself," I wiped my eyes, I suddenly felt her arms wrapped around me as she cried loudly.
"I just wish you told me about all this, I wish I could've been there for you, I don't know what's going on, but I will try my hardest to try to understand your choices, I just know that I'm going to miss you, so so so much. You're my best friend Marinette now and always."
And that's how I said goodbye to my best friend.
Alya slept over that night, we just sat there watching movies and eating snacks and now and then we would realize I was leaving soon, and we weren't going to see each other everyday like how we did in school. It hurt to see her so hurt but shocking to see her stubborn nature kind of accept what was going to happen in a few days. I told a few people I was leaving and they were all confused and shocked at the sudden choice, but wished me to feel better.
It was 3 days before I was set out to leave to Shanghai, the night where I knew I was going to see Chat Noir I was going to tell him what is going to happen. He was happy and excited to see me, his same goofy self that always made me laugh left a small faint smile on my lips.
"Hello there, my buginette," he smirked as he sat beside me on the edge of a building.
"Hi," I mumbled.
"Looking down in the dumps hm?" he glanced at me as I sigh.
"I have some news, f-for personal reasons I will be away for some time," I sighed.
"Well, that's alright I can hold the fort down for a week, you got nothing to worry about my lady-."
"No, Chat, I mean I'm going to be gone for a few months."
"A few months?!" he yelled and stood up quickly "but why? What will happen to Paris if you're not here?"
"It is personal issues," I stood up as well.
"Well, I'm all ears let's get these issues sorted out, so you won't leave," he tried to cheer himself up.
"I had an incident," I whispered "my emotions weren't together two weeks ago and I almost got akumatized, I almost didn't see it coming, I almost got akumatized Chat," I raised my voice lightly "I could've put us all in danger, I-I can't risk it."
"That's why you have me Ladybug, I'm your partner I would save you if anything were to happen-."
"You wouldn't even know who I am!" I yelled "I-I am nobody," I lowered down my voice "I'm not okay Chat, I've been thinking about it for a while. I need to get myself in check and become stronger mentally, because right now I'm at a breaking point," I sighed.
"Do you not trust me to save you?"
"It's not about that Chat! I trust you can take care of Paris without me; I trust you can save all these people and if you ever need help Master Fu will send out more Kwamis to help you. It's about me, I am not fit to protect Paris right now, not with my mind."
"Why can't you stay here and work it out?" he looked at me with pain in his eyes "Paris needs you my lady," he came closer to me as he grabs my hand softly and lifts it to his chest "I need you."
"Chat stop, I can't right now" a tear slowly slid down my cheek.
"No, no, no, please don't cry," he wiped the tear quickly "we can fix this okay, just think about it more, okay? I'm here if you need to talk, please, you can't leave me like this."
I looked down at our hands intertwined and I felt a sharp pain in my chest, it hurt to see him like this with tears threatening to leave his green eyes, his lips that once held a bright and shining smile was covered with a frown, he slowly leaned his forehead on mine "we can work it out okay?"
I slowly took my hand out of his grasp and let out a shaky breath and pulled away from his head and shook my head "I'm leaving in 3 days, I don't know when I will be back, please take care of Paris while I'm not around Chat Noir, you were an amazing partner," I softly whispered as Chat fell on his knees and looked up at me with tears running down his face.
"Don't go my lady please, how can you leave Paris, how can you leave our people like nothing, h-how can you leave me?" he cried "what about Hawkmoth? What if he takes over?"
"I learned that he has been physically hurt as well as he Kwami, and if gets better before I return you have the other kwamis help."
"How do you know that? What if it isn't true, then what? Just-."
"Just stop Chat! I need this time to think and put myself together to become better than I am right now, so I feel confident and worthy to protect our people from any given danger that will come our way," I looked down at him.
"Without you I really have no reason to keep being a hero!" Chat yelled.
The air felt sharp and suddenly the world went quiet as I feel my chest cave in with what I just heard, I looked down at Chat as he looked at me with a blank expression, my eyebrows scrunched as I looked at him with pure shock and anger.
"I-I d-didn't mean it my L-Lady," he stuttered.
"Maybe you need a reality check Chat, I never knew my partner thinks I am a reason for them to be a hero, I need a partner that thinks of the people and their safety," I grumbled "I didn't become who I am to be with you and only you, I became Ladybug so I can help and protect lives."
"Maybe when I'm gone, you'll also find yourself," he looked up at me as I turned my back to him and felt a string pull at my heart and I turn back around before putting my fist in front of him waiting for our signature handshake only for Chat to stand up and turn his back at me and walk away.
--
I knew from then our relationship had changed.
Thinking about everything I went through and where I am at now, I feel proud of myself and how much I changed from my past self.
Lost in my train of thought I didn't hear the yells of Alya and my parents as they ran towards me with open arms, I stand up only to be pushed back down as we are all in a group hug.
"Finally, our baby is home," my mom cried as my dad patted my hair.
"You're home!" Alya smiled brightly as I hug them back happy at the sudden welcome from the people I've missed and loved.
"Okay now that you're back we have so much to catch up on," Alya clapped her hands happily as she pulls away from the group hug and my dad grabs my luggage from beside me and my mom holds my hand as she smiles at me.
"You look beautiful my love," my mother caressed my cheek as I lean into her hand missing her warmth.
"I've missed you both," I look at my parents.
"We've missed you too sweetheart," my dad smiled as he patted my back happily.
"Please tell me you've seen the new-," I kind of tuned out Alya as we step out the airport only for the sun to shine into my eyes causing me to go blind for a second and to turn away from it and look back only to be met with those green eyes I adored before I left for Shanghai.
"Marinette?"
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Finally, CHAPTER ONE IS DONE IM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK!!!! I hope you all enjoy the art I did! I'm still debating if I should color the art or just to sketches for each chapter, but it's whatever you guys prefer!
Anyways I will try to be back in 3 days tops with a new chapter and new art. I love you and thank you so much for reading this chapter.