Dear God, if you can hear me at all, please listen to my prayer.
I have a son, currently twenty-two this year. I'm sure that you've heard of him in my prayers before. His name is Desir Snow.
Desir is a kind and gentle boy, a beautiful soul that I'm sure everyone will come to love. When he was young, Desir had always been the most sensible person in the house. He never complained about our family's situation, even though he had every right to.
I didn't have much to give to Desir. I held a job that barely paid enough for our daily necessities, and we'd often had to rely on the kindness of our neighbours and community just to survive.
Desir's father left me even before Desir had begun teething. It was a stupid teenage mistake of mine to easily entrust my body to an irresponsible man. But looking back… Perhaps it was good that he left so early.
If that man had stayed and influenced my innocent Desir, our lives might have played out much differently.
Even at a young age, an age that he would never understand what care and responsibility was, Desir had protected me. Whenever I needed someone to cry on, Desir was there. Whenever I needed someone to rely on, Desir was there. Whenever… I needed faith to live another day; Desir was there.
Desir is my shining light, my guardian angel.
And I believe that you've sent him down to me to do just that.
To be my guiding beacon during my darkest days.
But now… I need your help, God.
Desir is the most beautiful soul I'd ever met. Even though he was menacing and unattractive as a little boy, I'd always seen him as the most gorgeous being in existence. Those younglings that bully him day in and day out… They just couldn't see his dazzling brilliance.
I'd always thought… Desir was such a perfect soul in front of me, so why do others not see his gifts?
Was it my fault? Did I raise him incorrectly? Did I do something wrong to my guardian angel?
I couldn't tell.
In the end, I believed that Desir needed a father figure in his life, or at the very least, a male presence that could guide him through the ups and downs of his teenage years.
And thus, I tried to find Desir another father. Twice, in fact.
While the men I chose weren't the epitome of a fatherly figure, they were decent men. They had never once shouted at me; they were caring, kind and loving... And most importantly, they were willing to raise Desir as their own child.
But it was not meant to be…
They cared for Desir, they gave him presents… but they never loved him.
I fought with them multiple times regarding Desir. Why couldn't they love him? Didn't they promise to raise him as their own? Why can't they see the good in Desir like I did? Thinking about it now, it might have been too much for them. To love another child that had no blood relations to them.
Everything was my fault…
If I had been a better student, I could have gotten a better job, and Desir wouldn't have needed to grow up in poverty. If I had been a better parent, Desir wouldn't be bullied in school for being unsensible. If I had just been a little wiser… Desir might not have suffered growing up without a father.
Even now…
Dear God...
My days are numbered.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years back and have been in and out of the hospital.
Years passed, and my medical bills weren't getting any cheaper. So, Desir… My only son… He studied way harder than anyone in school just to get a scholarship.
On top of that, he helped out at the local store, earning enough money to pay for his own allowance. He didn't want me to worry, so that young boy never complained.
What a failure of a mother…
I had to watch as my son bore the burdens of my failures, even though he had every right to hate me.
Rather than blame my incompetence, Desir worked far harder than anyone his age. He got into the best university in the country and even obtained a scholarship to pay for all of his tuition fees. As he grew older, Desir started earning money all on his own and had even paid for a portion of my own medical fees.
But alas… I know my body best.
In a few more months… I will be meeting you soon, God.
I have lived a full life. Even though I wasn't blessed with a good partner, even though I didn't have the most money, even though my parents disowned me…
I had Desir.
I'm satisfied with the life that you've given me, God. But, I do have one regret.
My boy, Desir.
I have not been the best parent to Desir. Even on my deathbed, I have created so many problems for my one and only son. He's… so young. What would happen if I'm no longer there to be by his side?
Desir doesn't have many friends, and he doesn't seem all that interested in girls like any young man. I want him to lead a fuller life to lead a happier life. But if he's all alone, especially after I'm gone… What would happen to my son?
Desir thinks that I don't know, but… I can see the change in his behaviour.
In the past, he was so warm and bubbly. Desir would often smile brightly, bringing joy in even the darkest of moments. Now however, I rarely see him smiling. Half the time, I didn't know if he was happy or not.
When I talked about getting him a girlfriend, his eyes would become hollow and dispirited. Whenever I asked him about his relationships, Desir would immediately change the topic and turn secretive.
Desir thinks that I'm not aware of his problems with girls. Desir believes that I don't know how inept he was at creating a social relationship. Desir thinks that… I don't worry about him.
But how could I not?
Each and every time he visits me, I see the change in his soul. The warmth and kindness that was laid bare for all to see was now buried deep in his heart. Desir's attitude became colder with each passing day, and his faith in humanity began to wane.
If I were to leave this planet once and for all... I can't bear to, knowing that I leave behind a broken angel.
So Dear God...
Just like you did with me…
Please send my boy a guardian angel.