Meriedeth Salazar
"How's your sleep, Deth? How are you feeling?" Aunty Rebecca asked.
"My body feels sore but I'm fine."
"What did Miss Morales said?" Kuya asked.
"About what?" I asked because I am confused, I took a sip of my hot milo.
"You were tie with the girls from Clarine, wait, the names of the representatives are really familiar. I think I heard somewhere," Kuya said and took a drink from his water.
"It was Veronica and the others, Kuya."
"Veronica? The noisy kid?!"
"Yes."
"Goodness, wow, you guys haven't see each other for years, then now, wow," he said while shaking his head sideways.
It's Sunday today, my body aches but it's fine. I fixed my hair, we are having lunch right now.
"Your former teammates, are your rivals now. Did the four of you talk to each other?" Kuya asked.
"Yeah, but we didn't really talk that long. Carrie said she will message me."
"Send my regards to them."
I just nodded and continued eating.
"Deth, if you are tie with the girls from Clarine, does it mean that both teams are proceeding to the regionals?" Aunty Rebecca asked.
"I will still talk about that to Miss Morales."
"Where is the venue? When is the regionals?" Kuya asked.
"Two months from now. I don't know where the venue is."
"Aunty Rebecca and I will watch! I'm going to bring a banner."
"Kuya, you are going to lose your voice again," I reminded him.
"Just let me be, also, it's only sometimes. I should be doing it before, but you know I study abroad, right?"
"Whatever. You are going to lose your voice again."
I stand up and clean the utensils that I used in eating. Aunty Rebecca said she will be the one who will do the dishes and I should rest. She will put salonpas at my back and shoulder later.
"Ah, yeah, Mom will call later," Kuya said while eating.
"Oh."
"Do you want to talk to her? It's a long time since you t—"
"I'm tired, Kuya."
I went upstairs and locked myself at my room. I lay down on my bed while listening to some songs from my cellphone. I took a deep breath and close my eyes.
How many years have passed since I last talk to her?
Tss.
I know Kuya will force me to talk to her later, what should I do?
What time is it?
Mama usually calls around 8pm. It's still 2pm, what should I do? If I will sleep right now, I can't sleep later. I should take a stroll at the park.
I changed clothes. I'm wearing black clothes. I grabbed my hoodie and headphones. I also grabbed my wallet and cellphone. I went downstairs, I saw Kuya reviewing some papers.
"Where are you going?"
"Just outside."
"Come back after."
I just nodded and went out. I ride a jeep and travelled. The park is a little bit far away from our house, it's near at school. Well, it's a little far away but it's fine. It's not hot today, it's cloudy.
When I arrived at the park, there are a lot of kids playing. I went to the area where there are only a few people. I lay down at one of the benches here and listened to some music using my headphones.
The sky is such a beautiful view. The clouds look so soft. It makes me sleepy.
I was out for a bit—no, not for a bit. I immediately get up and look around. It's already dark, I think there are no other people here except me.
I looked at the time—
6:48pm
So, that's why, I stand up and stretched. I look at the sky. The sky is full of stars that are twinkling. I look at my phone, there are a lot of missed calls from Kuya.
I don't want to go home yet, I know, Mama hasn't call yet. Kuya will force me even if I don't want to.
I don't want to talk to her.
Nothing.
I just don't want to talk to her.
I feel that I don't have any right to talk to her after the accident happened.
Everything that happened to Papa is because of me.
She loves Papa so much, and everything happened because of me. I don't want to talk to her, I'm a shame of myself. Everything was my fault.
I removed my headset, I unplugged it and let music escape from the speaker of my phone. I can feel the gentle breeze passing by. I close my eyes and feel the breeze.
They were fetching Kuya Marcus from the airport that day. They were coming back to the province but Papa had a heart attack because the news that they said to him.
Uncle Mario shouted at Papa through the phone telling him what happened to Marjorie and blaming me for what happened to my cousin.
I don't know what to do during that time, I'm just crying in the hallway of the hospital while telling them that I didn't invited Marjorie to go to that place.
That everything is wrong.
That everything is Marjorie's fault, and not mine.
I don't know how we arrived at Manila that time. Aunty Rebecca accompanied me while we are going back to Manila, on our way there, they are calming down and saying that I should be strong.
I was confused on why we are going to the hospital. Then, the next thing I knew, I saw Papa.
He is unconscious while laying above of a hospital bed and there are a lot of monitors at his side.
He was at the ICU. We are only outside. I heard Mama and Aunty Rebecca talking, Papa had a heart attack while talking to Uncle Mario.
He had a heart attack when he heard what happened, and it's my fault.
Papa was comatose for half a month. I witnessed how Mama struggled. Work here, work there. She is also the one who watch Papa. Aunty Rebecca is helping us that time, she was the one who took care of me and Kuya during that time.
When Papa gain consciousness, Mama decided to go to America and stay there for the mean time for Papa's medications. Also, Kuya Marcus is studying abroad that time.
I did not even have time to say goodbye to the team.
To say goodbye to Veronica, Carrie and Aileery, also to Coach.
Everything was sudden.
That when you close your eyes, you are still at the Philippines. When you opened your eyes, you are already at a different country.
It was hard there, but, I managed to survive.
I don't want to see Papa's state. While we are there, he went through physical therapy. They also visited the hospital for Papa's regular check-ups.
I'm a shame of going near Papa.
I don't want to see him struggling, also Mama. One time, I saw her crying at night at the kitchen. I heard her saying she is tired because of everything that happened.
Kuya Marcus graduated college and decided to work here at the Philippines so I was able to go back home ere. I'm happy that we are able to come back here.
Because, finally, I can't see Mama and Papa.
But, there are times that Kuya Marcus forced me to talk to Mama. And like what I'm doing right now, I'm avoiding it.
Even though we are still back at America, I'm avoiding them. When they are outside, if they are at the living room, I will stay at my room. I shut myself up inside my room. I don't want to join them during meals when we arrived there. I always eat meals before or after them. That's how I hardly want to avoid them.
I can still remember how Kuya Marcus shouted at me. I was inside in my room and reading a book when suddenly opened the door and showed up asking me what is my problem and why won't I join them during meals.
He pulled me going to the dining area and that was the only meal I had that I joined them. Kuya Marcus was mad at me that time, why was I being picky. He only sees me rarely around the house, sometimes he forgot that I was there living with them.
"Marcus, don't shout at your sister. Just let Meriedeth do what she wants. You know she is not used to living here at America."
I touch my cheek, I was crying, I didn't even noticed. I wiped my tears and fixed my hair.
Take me as you are,
Push me off the road,
The sadness, I need this time to be with you.
I'm freezing in the sun,
I'm burning in the rain,
The silence, I'm screaming,
Calling out your name,
I closed my eyes and listen to the song, I also raised the volume. I took a deep breath.
And I do, reside in your light,
Put out the fire with me and find,
Yeah, you'll lose the sight of your circles,
That's what I'll do
If we say goodbye.
I found myself singing with the song.
"To be is all I got to be, in all that I see, in all that I need this time. To me, the life you gave me, the day you said goodnight, the calmness in your face."
I sighed. This is Papa's favorite song. I can still remember falling asleep in the shotgun seat while we are listening to this song as we go home.
I didn't notice I'm already crying.
I miss Papa…
Even Mama…
I want to hug them…
But, I'm a shame of myself because of what happened.
"Miss, are you okay?"
I looked towards the direction of the one who spoke, I immediately lowered my head when I saw him.
"Hey, Shark girl, are you okay?!" he asked in a worried tone and sit beside me.
"Yes! I'm fine, Rovic!" I answered while wiping my tears off.
Why does he have to suddenly show up?!
I turned off the song, I took a deep breath and looked at him. His wearing a yellow shirt and black shorts, he is wearing men's sandals. His also wearing his bucket hat, the one that we fought at the mall.
"Bye," I said and stood up to leave but he hold my arm. "What?!"
"Calm down, okay? Relax," he said. "Sit down."
I took a deep breath and sit at the bench. I lean my back and closed my eyes.
"What do you need, Rovic? It's already nighttime. I'll go home," I said as I raised a brow.
"Sorry for disturbing your moment a while ago," he joked. "You are crying for a while. By passers who will pass here will think that a ghost is haunting the place," as he shook his head.
"What are you doing here?"
"Goodness, our house is just nearby, I'm riding my bike coming here. Also, I'm hungry and I bought some snacks, while going home, I heard somebody crying," and he glanced at me.
"Tss."
"Shark girl, if you need somebody to talk to, I'm just one call away," as he tapped his chest and smiled.
"As if you'll understand, I'm really going home, Rovic."
"I know I'm not in the place to tell you this, but don't keep your problems to yourself, Shark girl."
I looked at him and raised a brow. He took a deep breath and dramatically raise his hands as if surrendering.
"Okay, okay. I know that in your eyes I'm a chismoso but seriously, if you need somebody to talk to, I'm ready to listen to you, Meriedeth."
"You're really a chismoso."
"I told you I'm not, I'm just concern because you're my friend."
I raised a brow at him again. He sighed.
"I know that you know that I love to tease people, but I don't want to see my friends crying."
"Why?"
"I don't want to see them crying because it hurts me. I know it's corny but I don't want to see my friends crying. Especially when it's about their personal problems. I want to be there for them. I will listen to all of their pain, to lessen the pain that they are feeling so they wouldn't cry anymore."
I laugh because of what he said as I shook my head sideways.
"You really find it funny, do you," he commented and rolled his eyes at me.
Making me laugh even more, he looks so picky when he rolled his eyes.
"See you're laughing. Eryx is right, you look good when you laugh or smile."
"Tss."
"There you go again with your poker face."
I just shrugged.
"But, I'm serious, Meriedeth," I looked at him. "When you need somebody to talk with, I'll listen," he gently tapped my head.
"I'm fine."
"You're fine now, but how about later? Everything that you're keeping inside, time will come that you can't hold it in anymore."
"You don't understand, Soldier."
"Did you had a fight with your brother?"
"Nope."
"Hmmm."
"I just remembered something from the past, Fajardo."
"About your teammates?" I shook my head.
"Your cousin?"
"Kind of. I mean, I'm not thinking of her. I'm thinking about Papa."
"Call your father."
"I don't want to."
"Why not? Call him, so you can be at ease."
I just shook my head again.
"I can't do that, Fajardo."
"And why?"
"I just don't want to."
"When did you last talk to your father?"
I look towards the sky. When did I last talk to him?
"I don't know. Maybe a long time ago."
"I'll give you some advice, Meriedeth."
I look at him, he is staring at the sky.
"Talk to your father," he looked at me. "I know you have a reason why, but my advice is that you should talk to your father before it's too late."
"You don't understand, Rovic."
"No matter what reason is that, you still need to talk to him."
"I'm a shy," I whispered and lowered my head.
"What?! You're shy?!" he exclaimed.
I glance at him and lowered my head again.
"You don't understand, Rovic."
"W-W—Why are you shy to father?" he whispered.
I lowered my head, everything flashed into my mind. Papa laying down and unconscious while he is at the ICU. When he gained consciousness we move to America. The way Papa did his physical therapy sessions at home, the trips they did for his regular check-ups at the hospital. I saw him drinking at lot of medicines for his health.
I sometimes heard him looking for me, but I'm hiding inside my room.
"How is Meriedeth doing?"
"Marcus, don't shout at your sister. Let Meriedeth do what she wants. You know she is not used to living here at America," he said when my brother pulled me towards the dining area.
"Where is Meriedeth?"
"Is Deth-Deth doing something? Ah, just let the child be."
I felt Rovic put something on my head, it was his bucket hat. He tapped my shoulder.
"No need to tell me. I'll wait for you to open up, Meriedeth. Just cry it all out."
Just by his words, tears fell from my eyes nonstop. No matter how many times I wipe them off, they don't seem to run out.
I miss Papa…
I don't know how long I cried, but I feel a little better. I wipe the tears near my eyes and lean on the seat. Rovic is looking at the sky. I sighed and closed my eyes.
"Crying is tiring," I sighed again, "I'm a shame of myself talking to Papa because of what happened back then, also to Mama."
Rovic remain silent, I open my eyes and the sky full of stars is the first thing that I saw.
"Papa had a heart attack after he knew about what happened to Marjorie. Uncle Mario told him about what happened, that it was my fault that Marjorie fell from the cliff because I invited her to go there. The next thing I knew, I was standing outside the ICU. Papa is unconscious."
I took a deep breath before speaking again.
"He had a heart attack because of me. He was comatose for half a month. When he gain consciousness we move to America for his medications. I wasn't able to say goodbye to Veronica and the others."
I wipe my tears that are falling again.
"I'm a shame of myself because of what happened to Papa, Rovic. Also to Mama. She loves Papa so much, then he had a heart attack because of me."
I closed my eyes because tears are starting to fall from my eyes again.
"Papa can't work anymore because half of his body is paralyzed. Mama is the one managing our business and I witnessed her crying one night, she is tired!"
I sobbed. The pain hurts my chest.
"I'm embarrass to get close to Papa. He almost lost his life because of me. Everything is my fault," I said while crying. "If only I brought my goggles with me and I didn't had a leg cramp that time, I could save Marjorie! And Papa won't have a heart attack! Ah, bullshit."
"Meriedeth, what happened is not your fault."
"It's still my fault, Rovic! No matter what angle you are looking at, it is still my fault. If only I just pulled Marjorie back with me so she wouldn't fall from the cliff I already done it! So, Papa won't have a heart attack! Everything is my fault."
"Did your father blame you?"
I looked at him, I blinked because of what he said.
"I—I don't know. Maybe."
"Did your mother blame you?" I shook my head.
"I didn't hear anything form them but I know they blame me."
"If they blamed you, they wouldn't bring you with them to America, right?"
I took a deep breath because of what he said.
"Still, it is my fault—"
"Hays, Meriedeth. Believe me, your mother and father is not blaming you for what happened. Talk to your father if there is a chance, alright?"
"I'm a shame—"
"Nothing is going to happen if you will let shame rule over you, Meriedeth. Trust me, if you don't want to have regrets, talk to him. Also to your mom," he seriously said while looking at me.
I sighed.
"Let's go," he said and stood up.
"Why?"
"I'll treat you dinner right now."
"E? I'm going home," I said as I stand up.
"I'll deal with Kuya Marcus."
Rovic and I eat at a barbeque place near our house. I don't have much of an appetite but Rovic is too pushy and people are beginning to stare at us.
"I'm really full!" Rovic happily said.
I just shook my head because of what he said.
"You, Shark girl? Are you full?"
"Who wouldn't be full? You ordered a lot of food."
"Let's go."
I raised a brow at him.
"I'll take you home."
"Our house is just nearby."
"Nearby or not a girl like you shouldn't be walking on the streets at night without company. Let's go," he said as he pulled his bike.
When we arrived at our house, Kuya Marcus meet us directly, as Rovic said earlier, he was the one who explained to Kuya. He didn't mention that I cried earlier which is a good thing.
I'm resting in my room when my phone suddenly made a sound.
Eryx Carter Fuentabella
1 new message
I opened the message.
Eryx: Kuya Marcus chatted me. Where are you?
I type a reply.
Meriedeth: Park. But, I'm at the home right now.
Eryx: That's good to hear. Rest well. See you tomorrow, Salazar.
Meriedeth: Same to you.
I played Papa's favorite song until I didn't notice that I had fallen asleep.