I just got a text message from Adriano. I'm not going to open it for now. We've been having a conversation that I consider deep but he probably just thinks it's one of those things. I don't want to respond because I actually don't know what to say to him. He talks about Italy with such passion and knowledge and I'm here, Queen Naija, and I can't contribute a single thing about Nigeria to the conversation. We usually text each other and tonight was no different. We spoke about the most mundane of topics like what we want to be in future, our childhood memories and the regular high school drama.
It was all going well until he decided to delve deeper into my ethnicity and ask me about growing up in Nigeria. I obviously couldn't really answer him so I gave him vague answers based on what I had been told by my parents and siblings. I thought he would get the signal and drop the topic like he usually does when I start feeling uncomfortable and only send emoji responses, but he didn't. He keeps asking and now I'm ghosting him. It's not just because I don't know the answers to his questions but because I have asked myself these questions and failed to provide answers.
Asking me about Nigeria is like, dropping a new born baby right in the middle of the sea and expecting them to swim. They'll wail and drown pretty quickly. That's a gruesome analogy but I hope it makes sense. If you ask me about Nigeria, I'll answer at first but if you persist I might shut you down. But on the inside I'm that baby; out of my depth, choking up, frantically flapping, disoriented, sinking and drowning. Until I'm fully submerged. Definitely dead.
I text Adriano that "I'll respond a bit later, I'm a bit busy right now". Later means never. He must know I'm lying; I told him I finished all my homework when he first texted me tonight and besides it's midnight what could I possibly have to do. I quickly put my phone on airplane mode and decide that I should at least go drink water if I claim that I'm busy. I know I'm just forcing myself to do a bunch of things because I know of I don't, I'll be stuck thinking about our conversation. I'll make sure when I get back I send him a video from the explore page on instagram to change the topic.
It's almost five a.m. and I should have just woken up but I never actually went to sleep. I've been in this same spot, not consecutively, since two a.m. when Adriano fell asleep. I know he's asleep because his typing had so many typos right before he just stopped responding. He also wished me a goodnight in advance thirty minutes before he fell asleep. I've gone to the bathroom and drank water a few times since then. Right now I have my laptop perched on my lap over my blanket and I'm watching my favourite YouTube channel. I think it might be watching me because I lost track of what this video is on or what the one before it was about.
I can't stop thinking about what Adriano said, he wasn't being malicious but I think every time someone asks me about my 'home' a piece of my façade falls away-- I don't know who I am.