As the sun rose over New Castle airport, the John found himself sitting nervously in his Caprice. In the back seat, his sidekick was occupied with a new viral video.
"So, you spent the week with a bunch of hot co-eds..."
"Hey, calm down now. This vehicle can only barely handle your electrical discharge. Besides, isn't this a good thing? You can see I was doing nothing dangerous, and the Wendigo is gone now! Can't you forgive this dear old Dmitri."
Mistress Stunlock's jealousy subsided until, that is, she heard the last line of the video.
"Does anyone else think that was homo-erotic?"
With the inquisitiveness replaced by suspicion, she attempted to bore holes in the John with her gaze.
"You like Cosmonaut?"
"What? That's nonsense! Cosmo and I have never been like that!"
"Dmitri, you really came! Come, give your Russian brother a proper greeting!"
The sudden interruption put their argument to a halt. Outside the vehicle stood an old man and a teenage boy. The old man looked to be in his late 50s, and had a fit frame for his age. If you don't count the oxygen tank he was hooked up to, the fellow would look more healthy than most 20 year olds. He dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, shorts, and boat shoes.
The teenage boy was much more formal, by comparison. He wore a lovely three piece suit, and spoke with a Chinese accent.
"Can we just go, Cosmo? We are going to be late for the tournament," he asked the old man.
"Nonsense! How can we continue without exchanging a proper American greeting?"
The John had exited the car, by this point, and the two veteran heroes exchanged kisses on the cheek.
HONK!
He turned to see his own sidekick stretched from the backseat to the steering wheel, her hand crushing the horn.
"Your new sidekick has a point. Let's hurry up and get out of here."
The Caprice rolled down the road, the funk music blaring from its speakers doing little to disrupt to awkward tension.
"So, Cosmo," the John asked with trepidation. "about our spar from back in the day..."
"Oh, are you worried about that little video of yours, mister celebrity? Not to worry, you actually did me a favor. The Kremlin gets a little antsy if I don't do anything crazy every few months. This saves me having to destroy another bowling alley."
Unaware of his own blushing face, the John attempted to rephrase the question.
"No, I meant to ask something else. About the..."
"WAIT!"
Having succeeded in interrupting the conversation, Mistress Stunlock changed the subject.
"Uncle Cosmo, it is rude not to introduce your new sidekick. He is here to enter the freshman 15, right?"
"Oh, yeah. Guys, meet Li Bao! His hero name is 'The Wonderkid,' and he's here to make China look good."
"That's a rude thing to say, Cosmo."
"Why? Aren't I the same thing for the USSR?"
Stunlock sighed with relief upon seeing her objective successful. But, seeing as there were still 10 minutes before they arrived at the venue, she could take no chances when it came to that forbidden topic resurfacing.
"Li Bao, that is a lovely sounding name. What does it mean?"
The 16 year old, misinterpreting her intentions, obliged.
"It means Plum Treasure, and relates to the story of my birth. I don't usually like telling this story, but seeing how nicely you asked, I can make an exception. It was 16 years ago..."
16 YEARS AGO...
In the forbidden city, several cultivators and scientists gathered in the secret garden underneath the palace moat. It had clearly seen better days, as many magical plants stored here seem to be wilting.
"Ladies and gentlemen," the head Gardener said in a loud, clear voice.
"I bring grave tidings. We have orders from on top to produce a viable super soldier within 3 weeks."
"I thought we were just supporting the other departments," a cultivator asked from the crowd.
"I take it you are fine with somebody else taking over the secret garden, then..."
One of the oldest cultivators in the crowd suddenly raised a hand.
"I have an idea, but you all won't like it."
He stepped out of the crowd, and walked to the most barren patch of earth in the garden.
"No! You can't!"
"You said we needed results! What can I offer? Others here know more of heaven and earth than myself. If my pitiful life force can bring us success, why question things?"
The old cultivator put his hand on the dirt, and a glowing energy flowed from him into it. As this continued, the old cultivator resembled a raisin more and more until, eventually, he collapsed dead.
"UGH! This is why I keep telling you cultivators to clear things with me, first! How am I to explain his loss to the boys in Beijing?"
"Look! Head Gardener! Something is happening!"
They gathered around the old cultivator's shriveled corpse, where a branch could be seen sprouting. It grew rapidly, soon taking the form of a young sapling. It grew further, with a fruit hanging engorged from one of its branches.
"Is that a plum?"
"Maybe its the fruit of immortals?"
"That was a peach, not a plum! This has to be the 10,000 year plum!"
"Nonsense, a 10,000 year plum is golden; this looks normal in its coloration."
The plum fell from its branch, splitting open on impact with the ground.
WAAAAH! WAAAAAH!
Seeing the crying baby at the center of the plum, everyone fell into confusion.
"So it definitely wasn't a 10,000 year plum..."
"Damn it! Why did nobody write down the plants those Japanese bastards left behind!?!"
"Is it that big of a problem, Head Gardener?"
"Of course! Do you know the amount of international incidents this kid could make?"
"But he was born in China; so shouldn't he be Chinese, regardless of whether the plant is native or not?"
The Head Gardener's panicked look vanished, replaced instead with eyes that looked quite similar to dollar signs.
"You're right! Cultivators, develop a training plan for our little Li Bao here! Gardeners, come up with a meal plan! We are gonna tiger parent the hell out of this child!"
"... And that is how I was born," Li Bao said, finishing the story.
"So you have no parents?"
"I like to think I have a dozen or so parents. Not one of those fellows has left the project, anyway."
"We're here," the John called from the front seat.