'Hah…' Gu Chenling sighed inwardly. Eyes closed, he soaked up the unfamiliar feeling of painlessness.
When was the last time he did not have any trouble breathing? The lack of tightness in his chest and nausea felt so foreign to him yet so comforting.
At first there was only silence. But as Gu Chenling slowly came to the noises that his ears could perceive increased.
Finally, he opened his eyes only to be met with the sight of the familiar ceiling of his hospital room. Only this time, it seemed much closer than usual. At the same time as he realized this fact he also registered the weightlessness that was unusual for his body that usually suffered from sluggishness.
Gu Chenling subconsciously turned his body around, already knowing what he would see. And then he was faced with the sight of himself lying in his hospital bed with his eyes shut and surrounded by nurses and a doctor trying to resuscitate him. But all their hard work was in vain as the heart monitor continued to show a flat line and emitted the long drawn out sound that went along with it.
'So this is how I look like with my eyes closed.' Gu Chenling thought to himself numbly.
He watched the doctor eventually signal for the nurses to stop all activity, look at his wrist watch and announce Gu Chenling's time of death.
'Ah… I have finally died.' Gu Chenling felt a sense of relief washing over him.
Having been born with a heart defect, he had known early on that this was going to be how he would have died, minus the small possibility of dying due to a freak accident.
At twenty-seven years Gu Chenling had finally reached the end point of his life. He did not have any regrets nor any lingering sentiments. There was not even a family he left behind since he had been abandoned in front of an orphanage when he was only a few days old.
While he had been adopted when he was six years-old, his adoptive parents had died in a car accident when he was in his final year of high school, leaving him an orphan yet again. Luckily, his parents had left him a sizable inheritance, enough for him to finish university without having to work part-time to earn his living.
Instead, outside of the time he had spent on university and class assignments Gu Chenling had continued to spend basically all his time helping out at the orphanage he used to stay at before he had been adopted which he had started doing at the beginning of high school.
As he had spent all his free time helping out at the orphanage he had never made any close friends his age even if he had generally been well liked due to his good personality and hard-working nature that earned him good grades.
He was also pretty good-looking with conventionally nicely shaped facial features. The thing that stood out the most was his pair of eyes which were clear and always looked like they were smiling gently.
As for his hair, it had been left in a slightly tousled mess most of his life as Gu Chenling's hair grooming routine had usually only consisted of running his hands through his hair a few times after rolling out of bed. The black hair had posed a stark contrast to his sickly pale skin that had never gotten the chance to tan as he had used to always sit out gym classes due to his heart defect. Even after he had entered society and had started to work, he had never gained a healthier skin color as he was the type that got a sunburn instead of tanning. And an office job had not necessarily allowed him much sun exposure either.
Generally, Gu Chenling had led a quiet and normal life, or at least as normal as he could have with the limitations that his heart defect had given him.
After his adoptive parents had passed away, Gu Chenling had branched out more and had tried more things his parents had forbidden him from doing in fear that his heart could not take it. That had included any physical activities that might be too strenuous.
He had tried several kinds of sports, ranging from swimming to martial arts. Chenling was quite fond of these activities as they had always made him feel refreshed afterwards. But he had also known to keep everything in moderation.
After he had finished his university with a double degree in psychology and financial accounting he had quickly found work in his field, working for a mid-sized company. The work had been fulfilling, but stressful. And after only a few years of this Gu Chenling had collapsed at work, having had suffered a heartattack.
His already weak heart had given out from all the stress and he had been sent to the hospital where they had succeeded in saving him. But he had been told upon waking up that he would only have a few months left to live if he did not find a heart donor. Having heard this diagnosis, Gu Chenling had not panicked but had been rather calm since he had known that this would have happened sooner or later. He had known that the possibility of finding a heart donor was slim.
Despite having been quite the workaholic during the past few years Gu Chenling had decided on quitting his stressful job. He had had enough savings to last him until death and more to spare. So why not spend his last days on something he really cared about?
Over the years he had never stopped helping out at the orphanage. He cared for the director of the orphanage and the children there. After having lost his adoptive parents the people at the orphanage had been the only ones left he considered his family.
Gu Chenling had only told the director of his diagnosis. He had felt guilty but also moved when he had seen the old lady cry for him and had felt her warm yet shaky embrace. This old lady had always treated every child in the orphanage wholeheartedly. That had also included him. And so he had wanted to give back something to her as long as he could.
From then on Gu Chenling had practically spent everyday waking up at his own apartment, eating breakfast there and then leaving for the orphanage. At the orphanage he had helped looking after the children, had helped with lunch and dinner preparations and had helped with the children's homework. After having gotten the children to go to bed in the evening he had then returned to his apartment and had slept there only to repeat everything the next day.
Gu Chenling had continued to follow this routine for months while hiding his circumstances from the children. He had not wanted to see them sad for him.
So when his condition had deteriorated to the point where he had been unable to hide it, he had made up an excuse to the children about going to travel abroad. He had felt bad for having to lie to the children, but still had felt it was necessary.
On his attending doctor's recommendation, he had checked himself into the hospital. And that's where he had spent his last days, making friends with the nurses and other patients.
The old grannies and grandpas were especially fond of him as he was polite and the same age as their grandchildren. They would often call or wave him over when he was on his after lunch walks and hand him an apple or other fruits that their children had brought them during their visits.
Lin Fang, one of the nurses responsible for looking after him and who was the closest to him had often joked that he was a people magnet while she had been braiding his hair that had grown longer since he had never bothered to cut it after quitting his job. The children at the orphanage had liked playing with his hair. And the nurses at the hospital did, too, as it was soft and healthy from never having been dyed before.
A few months had passed since he had started staying at the hospital. His hair had grown a bit past his shoulders and his mode of movement had changed to being pushed around in a wheelchair.
And then a few months after that even getting out of bed had not been possible anymore.
Finally, today, at 3:46 on April 8th Gu Chenling's heart had lost the long and excruciating battle and he was declared dead.
Things moved fast after Gu Chenling's death. He watched how his body was rolled out of the room and how every usable organ of his was harvested as he had stated before his death that he wanted to donate his organs.
There was a lack of organ donations in China. And Gu Chenling had felt that on his own body as he never found a suitable heart donor, leading up to his death. So even when he died, he at least wanted to help a few people so that they would not have to suffer the same fate as him.
The rest of his body was cremated. There was no funeral as Chenling had not wished for one.
Gu Chenling watched as Lin Fang, the nurse who cared for him like a big sister, visited the orphanage director, bearing the urn that held his remains, handing over a letter to the old lady after informing her of his passing. He watched how the old lady cried after reading his last letter and watched her send off Lin Fang with red eyes to fulfill his last wish of having his ashes scattered at sea.
The nurse took the train and then the bus, spending more than half a day until she reached the city of her destination. It was already dark by the time she had arrived there so she had to stay over at a hotel. Only the next day could she go visit the beach.
The next morning Lin Fang stepped onto the beach, urn in her hands. It was quiet and no one was around as it was still early in the day. The only sounds one could hear belonged to the waves that crashed down onto the sandy beach and the wind.
"Xiao Ling, this big sister is here to send you off. Don't be sad that I am the only one to see you off. The director is old and her body wouldn't be able to handle the long trip. I know you will understand," Lin Fang spoke in a solemn voice barely audible above the wind.
After taking a shaky breath she opened the urn and slowly emptied it into the sea.
Unbeknownst to her, Gu Chenling was right next to her, giving her a grateful smile which he knew she could not see.
"Thank you, Sister Lin," he whispered and his body started to gradually dissipate, turning into light spots that rose up into the sky.
As if she had heard him, Lin Fang turned her head and looked quizzically into his direction. However, all she saw was the quiet beach. There was no one else but her there.
She smiled bitterly and shook her head.
Xiao Ling was long gone.