A book with white pages, and a black cover, appears in front of Helena.
"This is the Al-Va-Dam, the Tome of Affliction, every death, whether mortal or deity, is recorded in these pages."
The book's pages flip without her having to lift a finger.
"Let's see...Momoko Miwa...Momoko Miwa."
The book stops flipping, and Helena's eyes widen. She pauses for a moment and gives me a sorrowful look.
"It's even more unworldly being read a second time."
Oh my god.
"Ahem."
Helena readjusts herself.
"I'm sorry for that, but, in all my years of guiding lost souls, this is the most unusual way that a human has died."
"What the hell?"
I get up from my chair once more in rage.
"How could I have died in that room full of people? There was nothing there TO kill me?!"
The book closes, she snaps her fingers, and it disappears from sight.
"... Pocky stick."
"Eh?"
"Apparently, you were so determined to watch your premiere that you carelessly choked on a pocky stick."
Wait, what?
"BUT THERE WERE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM; WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE HELP."
"W-well, they tried...but you were so desperate to watch the show that you told them to stop," Helena replied.
That actually sounds like something I would do...
Tilting my glasses back, I look onto the floor in misery.
Am I that much of a dam nerd?! Why didn't I just accept some hel—
"Wait for a second, did I at least get to finish watching the show?"
Seraphina lets out a faint chuckle, "It all happened during the opening scene."
No way.
"So all you did was pretty much struggle to see the opening credits," she starts to laugh uncontrollably.
NO FREAKING WAY.
My eyes fade.
So not only did I die on a dam biscuit, but it wasn't even worth it because I was sitting through the credits.
Helena gazes over to Seraphina, who quickly stands up straight and concludes her laughter.
The Headmistress then raises from her chair to walk over and kneels in front of me, resting her hand on my shoulder.
I look to see a beautiful maiden take pity on a socially awkward girl who can't multitask between eating and watching a screen.
Tears start to well up in my eyes.
"I deserve to die...why the hell am I so pathetic..."
She holds my hands together within her's. They feel warm and comforting.
"Just this once, I'm going to make an exception."
I turn from the floor to look into her eyes.
"L-lady Helena."
Seraphina steps forward with a look of concern.
Helena stands and walks back over to her throne.
"You have two options as of right now."
She sits once again while raising a finger.
"One, I can reincarnate you to start a new life on earth."
Earth?
"Perhaps maybe in your next life, you'll get in some good deeds to prove your worth getting into heaven."
Screw that; my last world's rules suck! My life finally turns around, and then I up and die?
What type of luck is that?
I wipe the tears from my eyes and sit up straight
"What about option number two?"
Helena raises another finger and smiles.
"You can start a brand new life and work for my branch of angels...as a Cherubim."
. . .
The hell is a Cherubim?
"Cherubi," I say in confusion, "Isn't that the Pokémon that looks like a peach?"
"Poke-what?"
Helena waves her hand.
"No, no."
She snaps her fingers, and a parchment, worn and rigid, appears in front of me.
It has ancient unreadable text that shifts and meshes around for me to decipher the writing.
"Serve as an Angel and protect the realms."
I read at the top of the parchment.
"Bring glory as a Guardian of Paradise."
Sounds like a propaganda poster.
Seraphina walks over to Helena's side.
"You like RPGs and stuff, right?"
"I suppose so."
"Well, currently, we need brave souls to cross to a realm that's dwindling in numbers because of an evil and diabolical king."
"I see, I see."
Seraphina walks over to me and puts a paper, written in crayon and marker, in front of me.
Looks like it had been made by a pre-schooler.
"Slay the evil king in the new battle RPG, Euphoria."
I read out loud the paper.
"Fight and battle valiantly and win any prize that you desire!"
My eyes light up in amazement.
Holy crap! Now we're talking!
"You see lady Helena."
Seraphina puts her hands on her hips and tilts her nose up.
"The humans have grown distant from deities so unless they find the cause convincing they won't think twice about going."
"Yes, Yes, send me here, HERE!"
I get up and start to shake Seraphina from the shoulders.
"This sounds exactly like Callistus!"
Seraphina dizzy from the back and forth.
"Cali-what?"
"You know, the show I was watching!"
If I couldn't watch the show myself, then I'll just make a story of my own, and be the best damn knight there ever was!
Helena chuckles.
"I'm glad you find the offer so enticing. Euphoria is a world inhabited by evil and dangerous monsters so-"
"DO I GET A WEAPON?!"
Helena blinks.
"Y-yes, a weapon, any armament of your choosing."
This is so badass!
"Ok, so what do I get? A magical sword that produces fire, or a claymore that makes everything it touches frozen solid?!"
Helena snaps her fingers and a dozen or so papers align neatly in front of me that show weapons with interesting characteristics and powers.
"You may choose one of these weapons to bring with you on your journey."
Hmm...what to choose...
A hand cannon that shoots water, a bow and arrow that fires crystals...
"All of these weapons are a bit weird and kind of basic..."
Who the hell would wanna use these?
"Hey, lady Helena...I was wondering if I could get a weapon fit for a knight...you know...like a sword."
"We do have another option."
Helena snaps her fingers, and all of the papers disappear.
"You could get a weapon that's constructed based on your characteristics and personality."
OH, that's awesome! Knowing me, and how awesome I am, I have to get something cool!
"Yes, yes, that, THAT," I say while bouncing up and down.
Helena holds her arm up and a runic light shines around me, it's light blinds me as I cover my eyes.
. . .
Seraphina gasps.
"That looks amazing!"
Helena nods in agreement.
"Quite stunning if I do say so myself."
A blade that's shines of white steel and gold lining gleams in front of me. The grip is crimson black, the guard is white, with the edges of the blade being of pure iron and the inside is covered in gold.
I stare in awe.
A weapon made just for me, can't possibly look this good!
"I assume that it fits your standards."
"Hell yeah it does, this sword is amazing!"
"Then let you be on your way."
Helena opens her palm and a blue runic light appears below my feet. I start to be pulled upward into a type of warp hole.
"Seraphina will check up on you from time to time to give you guidance."
The purple goddess bows while smiling.
"I wish you luck my brave and righteous hero!"
I get sucked into the warp hole and my body feels tingly, a distant light starts to make its way toward me and I shield my eyes from the impact.
// Bustah Blade, acquired!
. . .