Chapter Two
I didn't expect Josh to ever text me. I figured he would forget about our encounter and perhaps that was for the best. For the rest of the afternoon, and into the evening during the dinner party, my mind had drifted to him often. I even found myself wondering what he was doing at that moment, and I hate to admit, but I even wondered if he had thought of me at all.
It was wrong and stupid of me to wonder such things. I was married for Christ's sake. As was he. It was better if I didn't get too tangled up in thoughts and memories about him. I had my family, and I could never risk losing them. I decided to push him out of my mind completely.
I focused on the dinner party and entertaining guests as my mother expected me to. The children were already in bed by the time ten o'clock rolled around. The dinner party was just a party at this point. As many of the guests were drinking heavily by now and I was too.
I saw headlights in the driveway from the backyard and I knew Steve was home. I went and let my mother know that it was time to shoo away the guests since he was back. Steve still came around back and chatted to a few people and announced he was tired and ready to go to bed. The guests started leaving and the employees began cleaning up.
"How about we go on up to bed, my love?" Steve asked as he wrapped his arm around my waist. I nodded in agreement and requested Mrs. Faye to send some tea up to the room so I could sober up and rehydrate a little.
Steve talked about his day as he guided me up the stairs, and I listened as he went on about business things I didn't quite understand.
"I was thinking we should go on a vacation, just us and the kids." He said as we entered our bedroom. I flung myself onto the bed, feeling a little more exhausted than I thought.
"That sounds like fun." I agreed. "But, where?"
"I was thinking Hawaii. We haven't gone in a while and the kids have never got to go with us when we have. They're older now and they would most likely have more fun at this age."
I nodded in agreement. "When shall we go?"
"In a few weeks maybe." He replied as he unbuttoned his shirt.
I smiled. This was sure to be exciting and a great opportunity to get away from my mother for a while.
Steve was aware of my mother always being overbearing to me. He had suggested that we could buy her a home of her own not far from us so we could have our space, but she flat out refused. It wasn't terrible to endure her. We had a lot of fun together and I liked the feeling of her being so close. She just overdid it sometimes and it would just get to me. I always felt like I was living up to her expectations instead of my husband's. My husband had little to no expectations of me. He said as long as I was well and happy, then he was too.
These were my favorite moments though. Steve and I talking late at night in bed just holding each other. We would make love and talk more. The nights were never long enough though. He needed the sleep, and I didn't want to keep him from the much-needed rest. I oftentimes lied in his arms and listened to his breathing as he slept and wished he wasn't so busy and that he could be here all the time.
When Steve was away in another city for business, I would go sleep next to Eli or Sophia in their rooms. I could never really stand to sleep by myself.
The life that I had now was so full and meaningful as opposed to the one from my childhood on through my teenage years. I was thankful for Steve and my children. They really made all the struggles I had gone through so worth it.
My mind began to wander back to Josh… He was there for me all those years ago. I remember how he was the only real and true friend I had. He understood the things I went through. I had always been so down on myself and never really thought of myself as pretty or beautiful.
Josh, however, always made sure I knew just how special and beautiful I was to him. Now that I think about it, he's the only person in the world who never made me feel bad about myself. Other men that I had been involved with prior to Josh and even prior to Steve, all had made subtle comments about my appearances such as my breast size, my weight being too skinny- or too chubby. Even Steve has made small comments about these things. I rarely ever let such comments get to me though. I was pretty used to not being up to par with men's expectations.
I don't dwell upon such remarks though. I have learned to love myself and my appearances as time passed. It took me a long time to get to this point, and through the years I often thought of Josh once in a blue moon and how he made me feel.
It was odd to remember him throughout my marriage when I went through low points in my appearance. After the birth of my kids, I felt lost and had a touch of post-partum depression. I remember looking into the full-size mirror turning side to side a couple of weeks after the birth of my son. I had briefly pondered if Josh were to see me at that moment in that current state, would he still think I was still the beautiful girl he knew a year ago?
Those were just small passing thoughts of him that I had from time to time. I missed him often, but with my marriage and his involvements in his own relationships, it wouldn't exactly be appropriate to continue our… friendship/love affair. My mother also played a big role in us not being friends or being in contact anymore after Josh had gotten out of jail. She said it was improper to continue to string Josh along while I was getting serious with another man. She also emphasized how improper it was to be involved with anyone else, risking losing Steve. I knew she was right. Josh did too when I explained this to him once I was able to talk to him.
I soon grew tired thinking about Josh and our past, and I tried to ignore the flutters in my stomach when I remembered his eyes and his smile. I soon fell asleep with the image of him burned into my mind.
…
A few days had passed, and I was physically and mentally exhausted from everything. From PTA meetings, book club, to my mother's demands, and to the kid's activities, I felt like I was needed in multiple places at once. The only quiet time I had was between midnight and 6 AM.
I didn't like to show my tiredness to my kids, and especially not to my mother. If she saw me so much as try to stifle a yawn in front of her, she would rant on and on about how ungrateful I was. She would also never fail to remind me that many women would do anything to live the life I had.
Since it was Saturday, I took the kids to the park, meeting up with my friend Jack and his son, Aiden. Aiden and Eli were also friends and played soccer together. Jack was the only parent at the soccer games I could tolerate being around. I didn't particularly like being around the other typical soccer moms who only gossiped about each other and told their stories about cheating on their husbands.
We sat at the bench near the playground watching the kids play and chatting about this and that.
We were wrapped up in a conversation about Aiden and Eli's upcoming game when my phone beeped the notification sound. I casually glanced down then my eyes widened in surprise.
Unknown Number: Holly Jolly!
I knew this had to be Josh. My heart raced and my lips pulled up into a dumb smile. He actually texted me… I was honestly surprised. I had concluded a couple of days earlier that he got my number just to be polite.
I didn't really know what to say back and I just stared at the text thoughtfully. Jack picked up on this right away since I was mid-sentence and just suddenly got quiet.
"Oh? Is Steve sending you nudes during his lunch break?" He joked.
I chuckled awkwardly and shook my head. "No. It's actually just an old friend I ran into a few days ago. I was just surprised he texted me is all."
Jack's eyebrows rose in curiosity. "He must be quite the friend to have you react like that." He teased and air quoted "friend" with his fingers.
"Oh no. No, it's not like that." I quickly denied sounding a little too high-pitched and unbelievable. Jack just looked at me with an expression as if to say, "really?"
"Fine, it used to be like that, but we just bumped into each other and he asked for my number. I didn't think he would text! Honestly, I just thought he forgot the encounter. Plus, we're only speaking as if we are acquaintances." I explained in a rush and losing my breath trying to make a point to him, and myself at the same time.
This was already starting to feel like a bad idea, and I hadn't even replied yet. Maybe I should just ignore it, pretend I had never seen it. It wasn't like I was going to run into Josh anytime soon. After all, I had gone nearly seven years without seeing him anywhere. I'm sure another seven was possible, especially since I knew where he worked. I knew where to avoid.
Jack said nothing, sipping on his coffee and watching the kids play as they seemed to be immersed in an intense game of tag. There were a lot of other families and children around. The kids seemed to be playing with another little girl around Sophia and Eli's age. It was cute to see the kids being so friendly and make friends so easily. Oh, to be a kid again. I sighed and smiled at the thought.
Suddenly, my phone went off again. I jumped slightly in surprise which caused Jack to stifle a laugh next to me. I elbowed him in the ribs.
"Sounds like someone wants a response." He teased as I unlocked my phone. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.
An unknown number that was most likely Josh: I see you ;P
I gasped and grabbed Jack's arm in surprise and shook him. "Jesus Christ, what is it?" He asked as he moved his coffee cup to his other hand to avoid me spilling more on his sweater.
"Look." I whispered, showing him the phone as I scanned the area for where Josh could be.
Jack laughed out loud. "That's creepy."
I was struck with a bit of anxiety but not seeing Josh anywhere, I thought perhaps he was somewhere else and seen someone that looked like me.
I quickly typed back.
Me: Lol. I don't see you. You're probably are mistaking someone else for me.
I saw the three dots come up immediately.
Josh: Oh no it's you. You're sitting at a bench at Rosemary Park. With a guy, who I'm assuming isn't your husband? Because in case if it is, I didn't want to come to say hi just in case.
I glanced around again, not seeing any sign of him at all. I wasn't about to walk through the whole park looking for him either.
Me; Well come say hi. He's not my husband, just a soccer friend. Don't be shy.
I stifled a laugh at the last part. Josh being shy wasn't likely.
I could hear footsteps behind us, and I turned to see Josh walking up to us with a little boy in his arms, from the toddler swings that were quite a small distance from where the bench was and directly behind us. In my weird anxiety state, I hadn't even thought to turn around to look that way. Which was probably a good idea since it would've looked like I was looking harder than I should have. Stupid. Ugh.
"Hey, Holly Jolly." He said as he came into view in front of Jack and me.
I greeted him and his son with a smile and a wave. "Hi there, little buddy!" I said getting the boy's attention. He smiled and waved back and fussed to be put down. Josh set him down and he ran off toward the playground.
"Be careful and go play with your sister." Josh told him as he scampered off towards the other children.
"I think my daughter is playing with your kids. She's that one right there with the pink and yellow dress." Josh said pointing to the little girl I noticed Eli, Sophia, and Aiden playing tag with.
"Oh yeah, those two are mine," I said trying to point out Eli and Sophia as they ran quickly. "And that's Jack's son, Aiden." I said pointing to Aiden who was chasing the kids around.
"Oh, and by the way, this is Jack, my friend." I gestured to Jack, and he smiled and said a "What's up man."
"And Jack, this is Josh, an old friend of mine." I gestured to Josh. They gave each other a fist bump.
"So how did you know it was me since you couldn't see my face?" I asked Josh confused.
"Come on now, you gotta give me more credit than that. I know it's been a while, but I definitely know what your little head looks like from behind."
I grinned, raising my eyebrow. "I didn't know that you had ever studied me so hard to just know me by the back of my head."
"Some things, you just can't forget."
I fell silent as a wave of those damn butterflies filled my stomach. Breathing was also getting a little more difficult. Flattery was really an art, and Josh was certainly an artist. It was nearly effortless for him to compliment me. He then continued his flattery telling me that I looked nice today.
I complimented him back and meant it. His black hair was swooped to one side, and he wore a black T-Shirt with a band logo I didn't recognize on it. He had on some nice jeans and black flats. He still looked the same, but with a small level of maturity. His golden-brown eyes shone in lighting as he scanned the playground to check on his kids.
"Mind if I smoke?" He asked Jack and me. We both shook our heads. Josh took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and pulled one out.
"Can I have one of those?" I asked impulsively. I had once been a smoker, and still occasionally had a cig here and there. I quit when I became pregnant with Eli and never really picked it back up heavily. I didn't even know why I wanted to smoke one now but there I was reaching for it as Josh handed it to me. He lit his own then held the lit lighter up to me, to light mine.
I inhaled the smoke and blew it out coughing a little bit.
I saw Jack in the corner of my eye trying not to laugh at me. I felt a little stupid, so I snatched his coffee from his hand and took a big swig, and handed it jack to him. Jack just rolled his eyes and pulled his phone out and began scrolling through something.
"I was going to text you the other night but chickened out." Josh said suddenly.
"Why?" I asked.
"I thought maybe you wouldn't want to hear from me. Then I thought your husband might see and I didn't want to cause any problems for you. Then I also thought that maybe you gave me a fake number."
I scoffed. "Of course, I wanted to hear from you, and Steve is never home. Plus, he never looks at my phone. Also, I wouldn't ever give you a fake number." I said quickly, then cringing because of the whole wanting to hear from him part. Great, now it sounds like I was just sitting here waiting for him to text me.
"Well, I wish I would've known all of that. I was just about to give up on the idea of texting you until I just happened to see you."
"I'm glad that you've run into me again. Although this time is not so… messy." I laughed.
Jack looked at me and rose his eyebrow in curiosity.
"Josh and I literally ran into each other the other day. My coffee spilled all over my white designer coat and ruined it." I explained to Jack.
He grinned. "Aw man, too bad I missed that! That would have been a hilarious sight to see how pissed you got."
"She did get pretty pissed." Josh said chuckling.
"I did not get THAT pissed." I protested. "I just felt a little less pissed when I realized it was you."
"Oh, jeez. What would you have done to a stranger? I seem to recall you called me a… what was that again? Oh right, an asshole." Josh laughed, and Jack joined in.
I could feel my cheeks burning and I looked down in embarrassment. I also felt bad that I had even called him an asshole. The fact he could've been a stranger made me feel even worse. So, I suppose maybe it wasn't so bad that it was Josh instead. I felt less bad than if it were to be some random stranger. My manners were terrible, I realized.
"I'm sorry, really I am." I apologized sticking my tongue out at him.
"Nah, it's cool I should've been watching where I was going." Josh shrugged, the stuck his tongue out at me in mockery. "Besides, I offered to replace it." He pointed out.
"You couldn't afford it. Besides, as I said, I need to get a new one. Plus, that one was so last season."
"Psh, how much was it?" Josh asked.
"A little over three thousand dollars." I replied.
"Three thousand dollars?! On a coat? Yeah, you're right, I can't afford that. I would've had to set up a payment plan with you and everything. It would take me months to pay you back."
"Yeah, and I would charge you interest too!" I joked.
"You're really rolling in the dough, aren't you?" Josh's question was more of a statement.
For a moment I felt bad for him. He had always struggled since childhood like I did. I was able to get out of that poverty. Obviously, with his current employment, he was still in that same cycle of trying to make ends meet. I couldn't even imagine, and it brought tears to my eyes. Here I was worried about insignificant things, and here was Josh probably worried about how much money he had this month to spend on groceries. I shuddered at my own memories of that feeling.
"Not me. My husband." Was all I said, my throat feeling dry.
There was an awkward silence between the three of us. I didn't really know what to say or how to bounce back from this conversation. I realized I must have seemed like I was flaunting my fortune to him when mentioning the price of my coat. Three thousand dollars would be enough to keep his family comfortable for a month or two. Yet I never thought twice about spending that much and then some on some clothes I only wore a few times.
I was nearly finished smoking the cigarette Josh gave me, so I put it out on my shoe and slipped the butt into my jacket pocket. Josh did the same. I remember how a while back he would get after me for tossing cigarette butts wherever. He was a tree hugger deep down, and I held on to the no-littering thing to this day.
I looked at him, my mouth open slightly. He was looking toward the playground and didn't notice my stare for a little while. His golden-brown eyes were shining in the sunlight. The only brown eyes I'd ever seen that could take my breath away, and yet restore it even fresher than before. Josh really did feel like a breath of fresh air I hadn't realized that I had been longing for, for a long time.
It was nice to visit him after all this time, and I supposed it wouldn't hurt to have him as a friend again. Years had passed. We had our lives and our families. Things had changed drastically in our lives, so why couldn't we be adults enough to have a friendship?
I knew I would always be attracted to him. Those feelings can be pushed aside. We are only human and I'm sure I'm not the first faithful wife to find another man attractive while she was married. It wasn't like I was throwing myself at Josh. I could keep the attraction at bay.
I was so wrapped up in my own mind that when I came back to reality, Josh and Jack were having a conversation about vehicles or something. I tuned them out again since that was not in my level of expertise and I found it rather boring.
We all made small talk here and there for the next half hour. Josh had sat in front of me on the grass. When I would talk about certain things, I would catch him looking up at me with a soft smile on his face, then he would wink!
I knew flirting was in his nature, he was so good at it. He did it a lot without even noticing. I remember being jealous more than a few times in the company of other girls around him. It was never my place to speak up about such a thing though since he and I were never an official couple. I decided not to take the flirting to heart.
My phone started ringing and I was pulled back into the reality of what was my life when I had seen it was Baldwin.
"Yeah?" I answered.
"Mrs. Hendricks, I have arrived back at the park to pick you and the children up. You said to be here at 5:30. I'm in the parking lot."
I glanced over to the parking lot and seen Baldwin standing outside of the limo leaning against it.
I waved and replied. "Yes, it is time we get going. I'll gather the children and we'll be right over."
"Okay, Ma'am." He replied and hung up.
"Well, I guess I'd better get going. It's late and I didn't even realize we were here this long." I said to both Josh and Jack.
"Same," Jack said and stood up. "I'll see you Monday." He said as he walked to the playground calling for Aiden.
"See ya!" I called out after him.
I stood up and Josh did too. I gave him an awkward smile, and he suddenly pulled me in for a tight embrace. I hugged back and smelled the scent of his cologne on his shoulder. The same cologne he's worn for years.
"Let's go mama, let's go home! I'm hungry!" Eli yelled running up to us with Sophia and Josh's kids in tow. The kids didn't seem to think it was weird that Josh and I were hugging each other but I knew that Baldwin was watching from afar.
"Well, I hope you have a good rest of your day, Holly," Josh said grabbing both of his kid's hands. "It was nice seeing you." He said as they began to walk in the opposite direction to the other parking lot.
"Nice seeing you too!" I called out over my shoulder as Sophia and mostly Eli drug me to the direction of the limo.
Once we were inside the limo and buckled up Sophia started talking about Josh's daughter, Anna.
"She said she's in kindergarten too, mom! But she doesn't go to our school. She goes to the sad kid's school." She said and I was shocked at what she said.
"Sad kid's school? Where did you hear that from?" I asked slightly disturbed.
"Grandma calls the schools that aren't private sad kid's school instead of public school. It is called public school, right mom?" Eli explained for Sophia and asked.
"Um, yes." I replied.
"Why can't Anna go to me and Eli's school mommy?" Sophia asked.
"I'm not sure, love."
"Can we go to Anna's school?" Eli asked looking out the window. "Anna said they can wear any clothes they like there."
"Can we mommy? I wanna wear my princess dress to school." Sophia added.
"No, I'm sorry but you can't. But hey! I know Anna's father and I'm sure they would love to set up some playdates." I suggested hoping to get the subject of switching schools off their mind.
"Yeah!" They both yelled in unison.
The rest of the ride home the kids talked and sung different nursery rhymes together. As we neared home my phone went off with a notification sound.
Josh: Isabella is begging me to ask you for a playdate with your kids.
Me: Sophia and Eli both asked the same thing. Lol. Who would've thought our kids would become friends?
Josh: I know! It's so awesome! … I also wouldn't mind seeing you again also.
Butterflies again. Ugh. This really needed to stop happening when he said certain things to me.
Me: Well I'm still unsure about how the rest of the week is going to be for us, but I'll definitely let you know! 😊
Josh: Sounds good to me. And Holly?
Me: Yeah?
Josh: You looked beautiful today, honestly. I wasn't lying when I told you that earlier. I can't wait to see you again.
My heart raced, and I had a feeling I was stepping into something wrong and forbidden. I just needed to set it straight with him that this was strictly a friend thing. Our kids were friends now and I didn't want to not let them hang out, but I knew I had to draw a line somewhere.
I decided not to reply back to the text. I hope he gets the hint.