I want to quit.
I want to run away, but I can't.
I couldn't just save my life and leave her to die.
After all, I'm still a human with a conscience, and with a what so-called 'guilt'
They say that if you do the wrong thing, your conscience would get messed you up until you grew old and dead, not only that, even guilt—guilt could kill people.
I couldn't turn blind if I know someone would die in front of me, more importantly, if that someone was once saved my life.
I was scared, I was too terrified to look at my back—to look at her.
I felt my feet went numb and I couldn't stop trembling, it wasn't because the height of the building from the ground scared me. But I couldn't do anything except to face her, even if I am scared—even if I was terrified I need to face her, after all, she saved my life. And I owe her for that.
But that thing happened in the past event where I lost my memories and woke up inside the library, thinking of it makes me terrified. What if that thing happened again? what if my memories faded again? and what if I couldn't remember the times that I died again and again?
Maybe for some people, that's a good thing but for me just thinking of it, I felt like anytime I lost in my thoughts and never going back. I'm scared... the truth is I'm scared, I don't want to experience that again, hunted by something without knowing the reason.
I died over and over again, then I forgot, then I died. That's unfair.
Slowly looking at my back, she is now gone, Hannah Lara wasn't there anymore. For the second time, I ignored her existence and letting her go away without talking to her.
Please save me, Why didn't you save me?...thinking about it, why didn't I save her? why I couldn't save her? I want to save her but... did she really want to be saved?
My eyes widened as I remember all the words she said, and one thing was uttered from my mouth as I realized it.
She remembers it, she knows that she died.
It wasn't only me who keep coming back from the past after we died, it wasn't only me who suffered in this mysterious phenomena, it wasn't only me...
I immediately ran out of the rooftop and down the stairs, looking for her left and right side but there's not even the shadow of her. First I should look inside each room, but unfortunately, she wasn't there. Every slam of the door I made, every loud step in the corridor I created, still no sign of her even if I looked at the ceiling.
Wait, why should I expect that she was on the ceiling?
After I looked inside the whole school building, I went to the school ground and spotted her... spotted her on top of the building where I came from, the rooftop where we were earlier.
How did she?...
My thoughts in puzzlement but there's no time for that, I need to talk to her... I have to talk to her, then maybe this thing would end and I could finally come back to my old life. The life where I didn't know a thing about her, the life where I don't know who was she, the life where I can finally relieve from suffering, the life where I...I—
As I opened the door on the rooftop I was startled. No, it's not just startling, I froze—I froze in my feet when I saw that the other side of the door was not the rooftop instead it was a room. A classroom to be exact, a classroom without anything else instead of the board on the wall and a table in the middle with Hannah Lara sitting at the other side.
Walking to her, I sat down on the vacant seat in front of her, and now we're facing each other. She's just smiling at me, a shallow smile without any meaning.
"I—"
"Can I ask you a question?" she said that interrupted my words. "Do you believe that all people in your surrounding are truly alive?"
"..."
"No answer, eh?... then let me change the question, do you believe that I'm alive?"
The same question, but I have no answer... Sometimes those questions crossed my mind... are they truly alive? or are they truly exist?... first of all what is the true meaning of existence?
"Why are you asking me that kind of question?"
"Why can't you answer this kind of question?" she quickly answered me with a question." Do you feel like all of them are superficial? as if we were living inside a book—inside a story. If you pinched them they automatically say 'ouch', they are just going in the flow of the story but have you wondered if they truly felt that? or it was just like they were programmed to respond like that?"
I see... I understand. In other words, she was rejecting their existence just like what they did to her.
"People in this world were full of rotten, am I right?" she said nonchalantly "Old, young, male, female, students, workers... lastly you and me. Do you really think that all of it is genuine? Without a—"
"I don't understand..."
"You don't understand or you just don't want to understand?"
"I have no idea"
"You have no idea or you just don't want to think of the idea?" Shutting down every word that I said "You always said that you don't know, but you're just keeping your eyes away in reality, not only you even I—couldn't look at what was in front of me, the reality"
We fell silent, the whole room felt smaller and smaller and it suffocates me. The heaviness of the air inside the room continued weighing down on my shoulder.
"Tell me, you remember everything right?" finally I spoke those words that I meant to ask.
"Yeah, I suppose you could say that I remember everything from the start"
"How many times did we met and died together?'
"Eight times, excluding the last one where you died alone. Day by day we met each other and died together. It felt like we were in an infinite loop"
So there are also five more times that we met and died together...
"So do you have an idea how could we end this? in my memories we only met three times"
"No, nothing... After all, we want to kill ourselves in the first place, on that rooftop... you tried to stop me from committing suicide by asking me if I want to run away with you" she smiled gently.
"Then those words—"
"After all, we were just lost lambs. Tired of living in a straight line that why we tried to escape that life... that why we don't have to do anything, we will just sit here and waiting"
That's right, we were just lost lambs who were tired of living, we happened to met each other and died together. That's all there's no more to it—until we realized what part of life we sinned there's no ending in this suffering.
We live and died, and live.
We will continue to hold each other and accepting each other's sin.
But what was the sin we committed?
I see, I am the first one to realize.
Eyes, sight, vision, and colors.
What colors can you see? if you were asking me... I have an answer.
The answer is none.