Psalm 34:17
The righteous cry and the Lord heareth. And delivered them out of all their troubles
I was eighteen years old when I try committing suicide. At this point in my life I have reached the breaking point, here I was in a new environment and I felt so alone, unwanted and I felt as if no one cares. I was battling with self-acceptance and all the abuse and affliction.
I did not trust anyone to talk to and so that morning I thought it was the only way out.
I wake up that morning, feeling drained, numb and have given up on life. I was in the kitchen watching some plates and I overheard the lady I was living with and her father talking about me. And that just put the icing on the cake. There was a small black handle knife in the kitchen I took it up and went to the bathroom, I look at myself in the mirror and said, you are good for nothing, you are ugly, nobody wants you, you will never amount to anything good and most of all I hate you. I was repeating all the words that person have declared over me,
I know I started to cry, I use the knife and started to cut my wrist but the knife would never work. I then take off my brae and wrap it around my nose and took my towel and wrapped it around my neck, but it wasn't working the way I thought it would so I sat on the floor and fit my head on the wall until I pass out.
When I come to I was sitting in a wheelchair at KPH. The doctor and nurse were asking me questions, which I would never answer because I just wanted to die. I was there thinking why they didn't let me die so I don't have to feel the pain, so I would have remembered all the bad things that were done to me.
The doctor said to the lady and her daughter that brought me to the hospital that I am mad and they should take me to the Bellevue Hospital and they did, I have admitted the Bellevue hospital and they just left me there.
They visit me around three times there where they brought snacks and clothes. While at Bellevue I did not eat any food for a while and all the snacks they brought I gave to the other patients all that was on my mind was I wanted to die
I did not talk to anyone either. They gave me medication and they assign me to a psychiatrist, and for a while every session we have she talked and I pretend to listen, until one day she gave me a book and pen and ask me to write or draw and that is where I get a breakthrough.
After a couple more sessions I started to talk and I started to feel a bit better and I don't want to die again. I have learned after that I was not mad but was suffering from Clinical Depression.
I have gained some self-confidence while being there and to do that I entered Pulse Model Search while living there and that has taught me even when you are at your lowest and people have given up on you can indeed make it. You do not have to stay there a wallow in the mud.
I spend one year and two months at Bellevue and a nurse took me home with her, even though her co-worker advise her not to. She shows me what love is even I have tested her in every area
Just to see she have meant it when she said she loves me.
When God has a purpose in your life, the enemy will try to abort it.
The process is hard at times and you may not understand and see what the use is but I can assure you that if you trust the process you will see the result and the purpose why you have to go through.
Take told for example gold, is rough and ugly before it goes through the process but once the process is complete it is smooth and beautiful.
James 1:2 my brethren count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptation
God will deliver you out of all that you are going through all you have to do is cry out to him in the midst of your distress and frustration.
Psalm 34:4 says I sought the Lord and he heard me. And delivered me from all my fears.