As soon as I got home that morning, even during the entire ride back home, I kept on calling out to Xescilliz. But no matter how much I called for her, she wouldn't answer me. So I found myself relying on the markings around my ring finger, hoping that it's presence meant that she's still around but just too busy to answer me.
And just like that, three days passed with no sign of her.
"Dr. Paige?"
I looked up at the nurse who popped her head through the door of my office. "Yes?"
"Your three o'clock is here. Can I send her in?" Nurse Kelly looked fidgety which intrigued me. Ever since I started working in the hospital, I've never seen Nurse Kelly look this nervous.
She's been doing really well in helping me manage the flood of patients for the past week and she did it flawlessly. But for the first time in the past week, there was a look of uncertainty on her face.
With a frown, I clicked open the chart of my next patient and immediately understood what was making my nurse feel uncomfortable. "Send her in."
Nurse Kelly nodded and soon after she closed the door, it opened again and the click-clack sound of high heels filled the room.
Despite knowing who it was, I still froze in shock as soon as I lifted my head.
"Zee--" Dumbfounded by the heart-wrenching familiar face, I quickly corrected myself. "Zeanne. Please, have a seat."
She frowned at the formality of my tone and remained standing in front of my desk. "Did you really have to force me to resort to this method just to get a minute of your time?"
'Oh, dear.'
I have been ignoring her messages and avoiding her calls ever since I got out of the hospital. It's not something that I would advise anyone to do in normal circumstances because I firmly believed that problems should be faced head-on.
But there was nothing normal about our circumstances.
And this problem in front of me proved to be very fatal to my feeble heart if I ever let my guard down.
"Sorry." I turned my eyes on her chart and pretended to study it carefully. Thankfully, her chart looked really clean. "I've been preoccupied with work."
"Work…" The hurt in her voice made me look at her. Her face was flushed and her eyes were brimming with tears that she's been struggling to hold back. "Did you get back your memories? Is that why you're giving me the cold shoulder again? Did you remember that you're not supposed to be nice to me? Is that it?"
My tongue was tied and for a brief moment I was tempted to deny her allegations and comfort her. But, thank Heavens, reason came to me faster than my instincts.
"That's not it." I kept my voice cool as I stood up. It felt weird to remain seated while she's standing.
But, towering over her, unexpectedly granted me the confidence of taking control of the conversation.
With my eyes on her, as if reciting a mantra, I reminded myself over and over again that she's not who I wished she were. "People told me that you almost never left my side when I was in a coma."
She frowned. "I just did what I had to do… what I wanted to do."
"You didn't have to do that even if you're engaged to me. Still, I'm really grateful for that." I looked down and traced my finger on the edge of the nameplate on my table. "But, right now, I'm really lost."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm sorry if I seemed rude to you." I returned my gaze to her with determination. "But it's not just you. Everyone around me is a complete stranger to me right now... even my family. I'm still in the process of coping with all this information. And the only thing that's been keeping me from completely losing my sanity at the moment is my job."
I didn't realize how sincere those words were until I said them out loud.
Zeanne stared at me for a long time without a word and the pain in her eyes nearly made my cold act falter. The way she looked so vulnerable at the moment only proved how different she was with the Zee that I knew.
Zee would never allow herself to look this defenseless in front of anyone.
Especially not to me.
But despite perfectly knowing that they were completely different people, my chest still tightened as I watched the pained expression on her face.
"Fine." She finally said with a shaky voice. "You want time? You need space? I can give you that. That's nothing compared to waiting for you for more than a year despite not having the assurance if you could wake up."
I felt a tug on my chest. I could not even begin to imagine the hell that she's been through while watching Arthur put his foot in and out of death's door all those time. Just thinking about it made me choke up.
But I had to do what needed to be done.
"Zeanne."
I circled the table and carefully took her small hands in mine, leveling my eyes with hers. I wanted to make sure that she could understand every word that I was about to say.
"I'm not asking for space nor time. You've already sacrificed too much for my sake and I don't want you to keep on doing that."
I took a deep breath and had to stop myself from snorting with sarcasm.
This entire situation was just plain ridiculous.
Here I am, standing in front of a woman with the spitting-image of the person that I've loved all my life yet I'm thinking of the cruelest way that I could break up with her so that she could move on and forget me.
"What are you trying to say?" Probably getting a hint of my intention, she took a step back from me but I kept my hands firmly around hers. As much as I hated it, I didn't want her to run away. She had to hear what I had to say.
"Let's stop fooling ourselves. You and I will never make this work--"
"You don't know that!" She snatched her hands from me and her accusation sounded so defensive that it's heartbreaking.
I shook my head and strengthened my resolve. "When I was in a coma, I had a very long dream. In that dream, you're my sister. Nothing more. Nothing less. When I woke up, I could not recall anything apart from that dream that I had."
I studied her puzzled and pale face before I slowly continued.
"If we barely managed to make this relationship work before the accident, like everyone's been telling me, do you really think that we could make this work even with my memories messed up like this?"
"Don't worry. You will get your memories back. That's what your doctor said." She hesitantly grabbed the sleeve of my robe. "It's just a dream, Arthur. Hm?"
I looked at her hand and the corner of my lips lifted as a crushing pain erupted in my chest. Then I gathered all the courage that I could muster to look her in the eyes and finally said, "I really hope it was. But right now, that's my only reality."