~Chapter 20~
Mae closed her eyes and lowered her head.
"Found you."
She heard Nimaro's voice as her hands grew cold and the fear began to seep in.
This wasn't the same choking terror she had felt the day when she entered his temple, but it still made every muscle in her body tense, causing her to tremble.
She felt his hands, wrapped around hers, enveloping them with their size and strength, and then she felt them loosen.
"Don't!" she snapped, "Don't move. Please don't move."
"It will be easier if I move away," he replied even as he returned his hands to how they had been.
"No, it won't."
It was difficult for her to speak, her voice was weak and hushed, but she was determined, and found a fraction of contentment that she managed to force out the words she had.
Opening her eyes, she focused on his hands and the way hers disappeared beneath his slender fingers, feeling their weight, and the thickness of his palms.
"I will not fear you," she said a little louder.
"You have no choice," he replied, as a loud aggressive growl resounded from behind her.
"Hidai, I'm okay!" she yelled back at him.
"He is your companion?"
"Yes. Omb bought me; using him," she replied as Hidai ceased his noise. "I didn't understand it at the time."
"Then shall I dispatch of him for you?"
"No!" she shouted, tearing her hands from his and throwing her arms out wide. "I won't let you hurt him!"
"Nor would I," Nimaro replied with a grin. "It seems your fear is weak, Mae. Compared to how you care, anyways."
"Because my fear for you isn't real!" she exclaimed, lowering her arms. "It's crippling, paralyzing and horrible, and it steals my ability to think, but I'm not afraid of you. I can't control how my body reacts, but I don't believe you're going to hurt me. I don't think you ever would, at least not on purpose."
Turning around she smiled at Hidai and took his head in her hands. "So very brave," she praised him. "So very brave indeed. But this is Nimaro, and I swear to you, I'm safe with him. We both are. He is a friend, but I know he's probably affecting you the same as he is me. So, go for a run. I will call if I need you."
"Woof," Hidai replied, nuzzling at her chest before turning and slowly walking away, eyeing Nimaro behind her.
"Go on. I'll be fine."
Hidai growled, before obeying and running off, to leave her in the middle of the valley with Nimaro, alone.
Nimaro was silent; an unmoving mass beneath the familiar burgundy cloak, that smelled of stone and dust, leaving only his hands and the end of his nose visible. Mae's heart was pounding in her ears, and through sheer force of will, she walked back to him.
As he was sitting, he could look her in the eyes, and she cautiously reached, her hands quivering as she extended her fingers. Taking the edge of his hood between them, she pushed it back off his head and over his akress.
"You should not be this close." He spoke intimately, his words like a whisper, as she felt his breath against her cheek, causing her stomach to wretch into knots.
Her body demanded she run, but she forced herself to stay. It was easier than it had been before. She needed to let the fear he caused to eat into her, because she knew, the only way she could accept his offer, was if she could find a way to cope with being in his presence. To her, this was the only solution. She needed to stay close to him, to condition herself to ignore whatever it was that caused her to fear him. Exposure had always been how she had dealt with her fear and anxiety, and she didn't see why this wouldn't work the same way.
"I need to be here. I need to stay; until I'm not afraid of you anymore."
"Do you wish for me, to not hold back?"
She swallowed at his words. If he was holding back, and she couldn't get a grip on her reaction, the thought of this being worse, terrified and concerned. She couldn't fathom a concept of feeling any more on-edge than she already did, and in a strange twist, it also intrigued her.
"How bad could you make this?" she asked, her voice cracking.
"I have made the bravest of men fear the air they breathe and watched them fall upon their swords to escape nothing. They could not overcome the nightmare I inflicted on them. The weak do not need such motivation. They will flee at the mention of my name," he replied lowering his head with a sigh. "Mae, your heart has not yet eased. Your muscles do not relax. Like waves, your nerves fire, begging you to run. You wish for this to stop?"
"Yes."
"Then you must embrace your fear, accept it as a part of you. Become comfortable with the feelings it gives you. You must learn to love your nightmares. Rejection is the path to failure."
"Then I must know," she said, barely capable of a whisper, "the depth of my own fear."
"Yes, you must. I do not know how you will react, and I will not stop, even if it becomes more than you can handle."
"You would let me die?"
"That would not be my choice. I would much prefer you live, but if you are not strong enough, death is a possibility. It is more likely that your mind will collapse, and you will no longer see the difference between the nightmare and reality. Should you succeed, you will become tolerant of my presence, and immune to those with weaker auras. Keep in mind, that fear and nightmare are two separate things. Mastery of the one, does not exempt you from the other."
"Is this how your priests learn?"
"No. Their training is gradual. They are prepared for what you have asked. But you are not them. You react different to me than all others have. You may not yet be able to accept your fear, but you are not being crushed beneath its weight either."
"This won't crush me," she said with a nervous grin. "I have too far to go to let it. I didn't call you here just because I wanted to see you again. I called you, because I wanted to feel this, without the Pomme-Kitar. To know if it had changed, if I could make it change. And it has. I want to run, but I don't need to sit down to stop myself. I needed to know if this was possible. I needed to know that I made the right decision."
"Then tell me your decision, Mae."
"I accept. I accept your offer."
"Then I will do as you ask. This will be your first lesson. Feel the full weight of your fear."
Locking his eyes to hers, the world stopped all motion. Every part of her froze. Her blood turned to ice in her veins. Her lungs refused to breath, and her heart ceased it's beating. She was consumed in a suffocating oppression, a darkness that swept over her, turning her insides into stone and obliterating her own innate desire to live. This was an impossible state of being, caught on the precipice of oblivion, seeing the end of her existence and being forced to gaze upon it. It was torture without pain and the desperation of experiencing it, because this was nothingness, an all-consuming void; a living death. Eternity in a minute. And then something snapped.
He blinked and she gasped, pulling in a deep breath as her lungs burned for air. Her heart thundered wildly as tears seeped from her eyes. Her arms felt like jelly as she struggled to lift them. Her knees wobbled as she slid her feet forward a half step at a time, until she had wrapped her arms around his neck, and wept, silent, upon his shoulder.
His hand felt even larger as he set it against the back of her head. His arms became an all-encompassing comfort, and his akress, a blanket as he forced them to fall down behind her.
An hour could have passed before she found the strength to let him go, only to find him resisting.
"A few more minutes." She heard him whisper, his tone one of deep regret.
"Really that comfortable?"
"Yes," he replied confidently, and in that she found an unfamiliar sense of relief.
Glancing over his shoulder, she felt different. She was comfortable where she was. She was breathing normally, without feeling restrained, and her heart was silent in her ears. She felt warm, surrounded in the scent of stone and dust that clung to his cloak. But more importantly, the trembling had stopped. Her mind was clear and she hadn't struggled to speak. She didn't feel afraid anymore.
It wasn't that she had come to suddenly master her fear, but rather she had accepted and welcome the experience, instead of rejecting it. And now, beyond all sense and reason, she was embracing the living embodiment of nightmare, himself. These thoughts caused her to faintly giggle. Maybe Ven had been right; maybe she was a tad bit smitten with Nimaro after all.
"Something changed. I'm not afraid anymore," she said and went to stand.
Pulling back his akress, he released her from his arms.
"Your fear was different from those of this place. It may return when next we meet. I do not know for certain, for I have not known another like you."
"Well, there aren't many of us humans walking around these parts," she remarked as she stepped back from him, taking in a breath of the fresh mountain air. "Thank you. Thank you for doing whatever it was that you did. It's strange really. I've struggled my whole life with fear and anxiety. I've never known what it's like to walk into a room of people and not be too afraid to even say 'hello.' But whatever that was, it was unknown to me. I've never experienced anything like it, or you, before."
"Well, there aren't many of us, Ji'vie, beyond these parts."
She giggled as she turned about, feeling free to do so in his presence. It was as if the balloon of her fear had burst. There was nothing left for her to fear, because nothing was as horrific as the nightmare, he had given her. Compared to that, even being held by him, was a bright sun-shiny day.
"Do you need to return to your temple anytime soon?"
"No. Sosa is there, and as long as a single Ji'vie resides in the Quarter, I'm always there too."
"Small benefit of a hive mind?"
"Indeed."
"Then, will you walk with me?" she asked as she extended her hand back to him, unable to resist the urge to smile.
"It is unwise for us to wander from this place. From here I can see who may approach…"
"I can't accept that excuse, because there isn't anyone else here. Except for Hidai. Ven left on a trip this morning and Karanosi won't be visiting for two more days. This is an isolated valley, no one is going to wander by," she explained as he looked around. "Now it is you, my friend, who need not be afraid. When was the last time you just, let go, relaxed and enjoyed yourself?"
"I… I don't remember. I'm not certain I ever have," he replied, his head shifting left to right as if he were trying to recall. "It simply isn't in my nature."
"Good," she remarked, her smile growing wider.
"Good?" he questioned back sounding confused.
"Yes, good. You agreed to train me in exchange for my knowledge, and while I'm still uncertain of how you intend to collect, consider this a sneak peek into the weird and utterly ridiculous human experience. Besides, I really just want you to stand up so I can get a better look at you. Thus, I ask again; walk with me?"
Nimaro chuckled as he reached up and unfastened his cloak, removing it from his shoulders as he stood, rising to more than twice her height. Mae was truly more surprised that he was stark naked, and immediately turned around as he folded his cloak, thankfully in a way that prevented her from seeing anything she ought not have.
"I realize it is custom for others to be clothed. While we Ji'vie see no need for such things, I hope this will make you more comfortable as we walk," he remarked causing her to turn back to watch him drop down on all fours, the cloak now tied around his waist.
"You're a quadruped?" she questioned, sounding more astonished than surprised, given that she had expected him to be as bipedal as the rest of the intelligent species she had come to recognize.
"We can walk as you do, but we are more comfortable like this. Plus, it is nice to be able to speak to you without having to shout."
"I agree. Compared to me, you are awfully tall. At least like this, I don't feel entirely like a child. And yes, I realize I may be starting to get a bit of a complex about that," she remarked as they began to walk back towards the house.
Despite his height, Nimaro was surprisingly thin, his body shape akin to a greyhound, with a deep chest, small waist, and narrow hips. His tail was double the length of his body, half the width of his akress, and prehensile in nature. And while his hind legs were as muscular as his arms, unlike his hands, his feet were quite shockingly different. Like many others of Sah'Korhune, Nimaro walked on the balls of his feet, but where the others had the type of short bent toes one would expect of that sort of a foot, he did not. Instead, he had two longer toes on the outside of his feet, and a larger one on the inside, and between them a space for a stubby upright toe from which a ten-inch, curved claw grew. His feet reminded her of a velociraptor's, and she suspected his to be just as fatal. She was perplexed how one could look so lethal, and yet be so kind, sympathetic, and gentle. It seemed to her that he was so used to holding on, that it had become his norm, and he probably didn't even realize he was doing it.
"You should stop holding back your akress," she told him as the house came into view in the distance.
"Oh? Are you curious to see what a Ji'vie is truly like or is this to do with your 'letting-go'?"
"Can't it be both?"
"They're going to grab at you."
"That's okay, as long as you don't mind if I hold onto one."
"I don't mind," he replied as he akress fanned out and began to sway.
Three of his akress, quickly extended out towards her, and began rubbing against her, wrapping around her arm, waist and over her shoulders. She was amused and fascinated by the oddity of their behavior, and when she giggled, she could feel them vibrate in response.
"Where are we walking?" he questioned, and she wondered if it was because she was leading him towards the house.
"To my favorite place in the valley," she replied as she continued to stroll up the path.
"Is it far?" he asked, moving to catch up to her.
"A bit. But it is a lovely day for a walk."
"Perhaps, but I was hoping you would allow me to carry you."