The first month of the semester was tough for TJ, but the second is just pure hell. Football was much worse than it was when he played in high school. More demanding, and much more aggressive. He can't remember the last time he took a shower without finding a new bruise, his skin littered with different coloured marks. Pretending to enjoy it only makes it all worse, but he could hardly express to his coach or teammates that he'd rather be back at his dorm room, eating junk food and talking about everything and anything with his roommate.
With Noah. He would rather be with Noah.
The feelings still scare him, terrify him actually, but he's passed ignoring them. Over the past week, he has begun to accept it. Begun accepting the fact his heart skips a beat whenever he sees Noah's smile or hears his laugh, the way his skin tingles with every lingering tough, how he finds himself looking at him for absolutely no reason other than to just admire his features. It's not friendship, that he knows. And the thoughts scare him as nothing else has ever been able to.
"TJ! The hell, man? Pass the ball," one of his teammates yell angrily. It brings him back down to earth immediately, throwing the ball towards the source of the sound without even looking.
It's been like this for days, TJ so lost within his own thoughts that he forgets his surrounding, so the lecture he gets from the coach after practise isn't at all unexpected. He needs to talk to someone about his thoughts before his head explodes, but all the friends he's made so far are all for show. They can't be trusted, and he knows they'll only judge him, maybe even go as far as to spread false information around the entire campus. Everyone that is, except for Noah.
Confidence, that's what TJ was born with the gift of. He could talk to anyone, stand up and give a speech without fault, be put on the spot and still manage to blag his way through. But when he thinks about sharing his feelings with Noah, he's never felt such a lack of it. It makes his throat tighten, his brain clear of all thoughts. Nothing like his usual self. But he's determined, there's no way he'll make it through the semester without getting it all off of his chest.
As soon as he gets back to his room he's promised himself that he'll talk to Noah, and there's no turning back now. Even if he does almost run past his block to avoid it. But thankfully, he doesn't. Slowly he climbs the stairs, dragging his feet once he reaches the hall, and when he's finally at his door he has to hold his key with both hands to get it into the lock, shaking far too much for him to properly perform the task.
However, before he can turn it he freezes. Not from fear, but from the unknown laughter he hears coming from inside. It was a higher pitch than Noah's, nasally. Annoying. It has him grinding his teeth together, forcing the door open way harder than necessary, both voices fading to silence when he enters.
"Don't open the door like that, you'll scare Ansel!" Noah scolds.
TJ looks at the goldfish, squinting his eyes at him to try and see even an ounce of care for the action. He sees nothing. He can't help but smile as he looks at him, the name always drawing that reaction from him, remembering clearly the day in which they got him. It was after they left the pet shop, both of them sitting in TJ's car with the still-unnamed fish in a small bag, safely resting in Noah's lap.
'We need the perfect name for him', Noah had said whilst admiring their new pet. Obviously, TK said that it was up to him to decide, on the basis that it was Noah that wanted him in the first place. It took him the entire ride back to campus to decide. 'Ansel! The first lengthy conversation we had was about your love for Ansel Adams, it's perfect!'. It made TJ smile then, and it still does weeks later. Probably always will.
But, the smile doesn't last long, disappearing the second he lays eyes on the other boy sitting on his roommate's bed. So he's the one behind that infuriating laugh. "Who's this?" He asks, trying to sound as unbothered as possible as he shrugs off his jacket and kicks off his shoes.
"Oh! This is Leo, you know, my friend from art."
So this is Leo. Noah had spoken about him a lot, every time creating an unpleasant feeling in TJ's stomach. He was just as irritating as he sounded, not that TJ was jealous or anything.
"Why's he here?" There he goes again with asking questions before thinking first. But truthfully he didn't care about sounding rude, he just wanted the stranger to be gone.
"He was helping me with something, is that a problem?"
"I could've helped you."
Noah tilts his head, humoured by the other's behaviour. "You could've helped me with my art history paper?"
"I might've been able to," TJ stands his ground, refusing to be embarrassed.
"Oh, really? So how familiar are you exactly on the history of watercolour? Could you even name me an influential artist who specialises in the field?"
"Uh... Leonardo da Vinci?"
A strangled noise leaves Leo as he tries to hold back his laughter, almost as if he were mocking TJ for his lack of knowledge. He throws him a glare, feeling much better once he shuts up, clearly intimidated. "I need to go back to my room, you can text me if you're stuck on anything else." Leo awkwardly smiles, standing up at a pace that seemed as if he was trying to flee a murder scene. He doesn't even wait for Noah to say anything before he's frantically gathering his things and leaving the room, not even turning around once.
Noah frowns at TJ, thoroughly annoyed at him. "Did you have to be such an ass to Leo? He's anxious enough as it is."
"I wasn't being an ass."
"Bullshit. You were clearly taking something out on him, and although you've really pissed me off, do you wanna talk about it?"
"I wasn't taking anything out on him," TJ denies. Every single ounce of confidence he had before has left him, he was not in the mood to talk about his feelings.
"You're lying." Noah is quick to hop off of his bed and cross the room, settling himself on TJ's bed instead. "Somethings been bothering you for weeks, I know it has. You can talk to me, you know I won't judge."
TJ sighs, realising he's not going to get away with avoiding the topic so easily. But, he might have a way that he can skate around the details. "I think I like someone."
"Aw, TJ has a little crush," Noah teases. "Who is she?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Okay then. Why is it bothering you then? Just ask her out."
"It's not that simple. It's different to anything else I've felt before, I don't really know how to deal with it without my whole life being completely turned around," TJ sighs once again, his head falling back against the wall a little too violently making him shoot back up straight from the pain.
Laughing, Noah reaches out to rub the back of TJ's head to soothe the injury, seemingly blind to the way the other leans into the touch. "I don't really get how all of this would change your life, and you don't have to explain it to me. But, if you really feel this strongly about her then show it. You'll only regret it if some other guy sweeps her off her feet before you do."
The words ring clear to TJ, a picture of Leo laughing and giving looks to Noah at the forefront of his mind. He's right, if it's not Leo then it will be some other guy stealing Noah's heart instead. That will only add to this sick feeling that's spreading throughout his body. Although, if he tries to show his feelings then it will make it all real. Force him to try and figure out this new part of him, a part that he's somehow always known was there. There's no way he'll be accepted by his family, he'd never be able to show completely put his real self out there.
"I'm scared."
"I thought nothing scared you other than your sister getting hurt? It's a girl, TJ. She's probably already head over heels for you."
'Are you?' TJ wants to ask, feel the words burning in his thought like he's swallowed fire, but he's too much of a coward to let them out. He doesn't want to make it all real, afraid of all the consequences that would bring. But more than that, he wants Noah. A boy. He was falling for a boy and he had no idea how to handle it by himself.