Life is lifeless when you do nothing, it is lifeless when you don't know your purpose. Better live with what you need to do than living doing nothing
Here I am again, staring blankly at the ceiling asking that when all of my burdens will end. Thinking of the cruelness of the world. Blaming our creator, because on all people, why me? Why me despite the fact that I don't do anything bad on my fellow men? Why do I need to suffer? Why he needs to make me suffer too much, why do I need to live like this? Yes, I am alive but for me my life is lifeless, my life is wasted. I am just a burden to my family, to anyone, to the world. Every night I prayed, praying that if I will stay this way until my last breath, please right now, kill me.
I don't want to prolong my suffering. I am sick, I am vain and useless, want to know why? simply because I am sick, literally sick, my heart, it is my problem.
Heart is the strongest part of the body and weakest part at the same time.
I am ill, my heart has a hole, the doctor said as I grew older the hole on it getting huge and huge. I need a donor. But who's that crazy that will give his or her heart for me? None, there's no one. No one wanted to donate their own life for the sake of others.
I accepted it a long ago, accepted that my life will short, we can't say a day when I am strong or still breathing. I am fully aware that anytime and anywhere there's a big chance or possibility that my heart would stop from pumping, and I am just waiting that time to come.
Well, I remember the day when the doctor finds out what's the problem in my health. I am playing happily at the park, running endlessly, playing with so many children, until I can't breathe, to the point that I collapse, my parents rush me to the nearest hospital. And after that day my life totally change, the truth exploded like a bomb.
At first, I can't accept the fact that I am no longer free, I am no longer able to do what I did everyday like playing with my playmates, running until I got tired, laughing so hard until my stomach hurts nor crying too much. For me all of this was ridiculousness, this is crazy, no, it's driving me crazy, my situations driving me like crazy.
It's been teen years of being prisoner in our own house, my sickness found out when I was Five since then my parents didn't allow me to go outside to play, I don't grow normally.
How can you say that my life is normal when I can't do what children at my age does? I envy them because they can do whatever they want without any concern that what if they collapse, what if their health issue will get worse. I am totally alike them, I am always thinking about my health, thinking that I should follow what does the doctor said.
I want to end my life but every time I take my own life the images of my mommy and daddy who's struggling with me flash in my mind, their image which is crying and crying about my situation.
Whenever I heard my parents arguing about me, about my medication, I felt so bad because they fight to each other because of me.
In terms of money, we don't have a problem about it
All the problem is me; the problem is where do they need to admit me to continue my treatment.
Every hospital that we've been through always ask for donations, they always looked for a donor.
At first, I hope that there's a good hand who offered his/her heart for me, but who I am kidding? I am hoping for nothing.
But I know that I am ill for life, no one can cure it except about the donation. I already give up on hoping to get heal, I already given up my life, but I can't give up my parents who is striving in my worst situation. I can't give them up.
Even though my mind is given up, until my parents didn't give up yet or still fighting for me for my life I should never stop surviving, just for them.
I don't want to be selfish, I will suffer until my last breath, even it is hard to survive in my situation, I will do everything to plastered a smile in front of my parents, I know that I am their strength, I am the reason why they are still holding unto me. And I am the very reason why they are having a hard day of their life.
I always blame myself of why do I need to be born, I don't have any purpose yet.
Knowing about doesn't any purpose in life makes me feel so bad.
I sighed heavily out of frustration and I wiped the small number of tears that escaped in my eyes.
*Knock
*Knock
*Knock
"Yes? What is it?"
"Son, it's mom" said the one who's behind the door.
I immediately wiped my face so that Mom wouldn't know that I am crying.
"Come in Mom, the door isn't lock yet." I invited her inside, she's always like this, visiting me before I go to sleep, she checks me always if I am fine.
"Thanks Honey, by the way are you okay?" She asked with a worried look
"Mom! Of course, I'm fine!" I answered with the joyful voice.
My mom smiled
There it is
Her smile
Her genuine smile
That's the reason why I can't take my life, I don't want to turn her smile into a cry, I can't afford to see her tears falling because of me. I hate myself whenever she is sad because of me.
So as long as I can, I need to stay healthy in front of her, because she is way more vulnerable than me.
She is my first love and the only girl that I love until then, and with all of my love to her I live even my insides screaming to give up, to take my eternal rest.
"I'm glad that you are fine son." She smiled for the second time.
I smiled at her too.
I am about to cover my blanket on my face when she said something.
"Oh, son before I forgot your dad and I decided to enrolled you in the college department for the school year." She said excitedly.
Shocked enveloped in my system that my mouth left open. Then when I already adopted what she said I get up immediately and hug my mom who is sitting beside my bed.
" Thank you, Mom, really I am." I hugged him tightly
"This is the best news that I heard from you; I love you Mom." I kissed her checks and hug her again.
" I know you want to live normal life like going to school every day, meeting others and making friends, that's why we decided to finally enrolled you in the university."
"Did you already enroll me in the university?" I asked her still shocked because of the news that she suddenly delivered.
" Yes, we enrolled you in the university which is owned by your father's business partner."
"Do you mean the Hankook State University?"
My mom nodded.
The university I dreamed to be, I thought I wouldn't been part of that university but now I am enrolled. I don't care if I don't do entrance exam because my parents used their connection to enter me in the HSU, the fact that I am really studying like a normal student do makes my heart flatter.
"Are you decided what course did you prefer?"
I am already decided but I don't know yet if I can take this course.
"Not yet Mom." I told her; I can't say it yet.
"Alright, I'll go to our room, think about your course to be chosen and tell us immediately, okay?" My mom asked and I just nod.
"Okay, Mom thank you again and I love you."
"I love you too son, I want the best for you that's why we take the risk of letting you fly like a bird, but please know your limits huh?"
"Yes Mom, thank you."
"Goodnight for now, go to sleep early, okay?" I nod again and she kissed me in the forehead and she go out of my room.
I smiled at the thought of going to school.
Then the course that I always wanted flash in my mind.
I want to take business administration because I am influenced by my dad, also I want to go abroad and experience a business trip.
I want to study our real states and run our company; I don't have any siblings that's why I want to take over dad's position when we can't do it anymore.
Business Administration
The thought of studying makes me awake for the rest hours of the night.