Chapter 05 – Sakura's Decision
"Sorry, I was listening."
Sakura stared in horror and thoughts instantly came running into her mind.
[How much did he hear? Is he just a passerby? Did he hear that I killed someone? Does he know who I burned? Was he in the clearing too? Was he listening there as well...?]
Soon enough, her mind started to clear.
"H-how long have you been listening?" she asked, tone menacing.
A bit of astonishment appeared on his face for a moment. "I was just heading to the shrine above. And when I took several steps from that landing, I noticed you come out from the clearing."
[So, he was not listening from the clearing then.]
That might be one less thing to worry about, but it was still a fact that he might have heard that she killed someone. Her legs were still weak, yet she asked in the same commanding tone, "What did you hear?"
"I'm not sure since you were mumbling to yourself there. But I'm guessing that the person you killed or burned was Sho-san's little brother... Uh, am I correct to assume that?"
She stared hard at Henkou, and even the boy started to be wary, as he returned the stare with the same seriousness. The thought, and the desire suddenly entered her.
—Should I silence him?
She considered it. But, even when she was about to pounce on him, she stopped herself. Even if she had been a killer all this time without knowing it herself, her sense of reason was still there. This gave her a little relief.
She calmed herself. Henkou's guard relaxed as well.
"...."
"...."
"...Yes. It was me," she admitted.
The boy stood up and approached her.
"...I see... Sho's in that clearing too, right? He might arrive here soon, let's talk somewhere else," he said as beckoned Sakura as he passed by her side.
"Where are we going?"
"Just follow after me."
She did not know the purpose of Henkou, or where they were about to go but she still walked after him. The guilt of burning a killing a person was still weighing in her, even so, she had to know what the young man was after.
She kept her guard up—she tried to. As she kept walking, she less cared about it and she only gazed at the ground, the horror of flames that day flashed in her mind again.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Her unsteady footsteps resounded.
She kept her head down all the time and her slow strides and the concrete were all that she could see. The night was calm and normal. The crickets and other insects were making sounds, she could hear toads, and owls as well. It was like the usual nights where she went to stroll, if not for all that happened tonight.
But even if she only looked down the whole time, she could tell where this led to. The time she used this path was more than she could count.
Then there was the silent flow of water.
Shortly after, the footsteps in the front stopped. Henkou then sat under the cherry blossom tree, which she saw when she lifted her head as she anticipated.
"...Why did you bring me here?" she asked.
"You seem happy when you were here last time. I thought that maybe you'll cheer up a little."
Sakura was bewildered by his action as he only smiled a little. But as Henkou said, seeing the tree that she treasured put relief in her chest.
"...What do you want?" Sakura asked after she passed by the boy and also sat on the path with her legs propped on the slope leading down the creek. The tree stood between them.
Henkou waited for a moment as he gazed at the creek. Sakura followed his gaze and looked at the stream too.
"...Four years ago, there was the fire incident which claimed the life of Sho's little brother," he said, not taking away his eyes from the creek. "I want to hear your side of the story. You said earlier that you did not do it on purpose, did you?
"No, of course not!"
Sakura couldn't help raising her voice, but the boy seemed didn't seem bothered at all.
"I believe you. I want to help you so please tell me what happened."
Henkou was just someone she had just recently met and there was no reason to tell him anything about the incident. She didn't know anything about him as well. He came suddenly and was trying to probe in her past, and now tells that he believed her. His words were all shallow. However, they seemed sincere. Sakura felt like it would be fine to tell him.
"...Four years ago," she hesitated and kept silent for several seconds before she finally resolved to tell everything. "Four years ago, I tried smoking. I was curious about the cigarette my father had always smoked. He looked in peace every time he does it. That's why I tried it myself. It was just a day after we moved here, I took one stick of cigarette and went out late at night just like now. I walked around the town and climbed the hill."
Sakura talked about the events that night, how she felt when she climbed the staircase and how curious she was when she saw a path leading to a certain house. Also, on how she ended up dumping the lit cigarette into the garbage bag propped against the storage house nearby. She said that she went to the shrine above after that and decided to go home after wandering for a while. However, that's when she saw a bright light in the direction of the house.
"I walked...half-curious, half-shocked to the house. And there I saw the house on fire. Now thinking about it, the person nearby the fire who watched the scene with me was Sho." Sakura hung her head as she said. "That was the day when I killed someone."
Killing a person was one thing, but the thing that she couldn't forgive herself was that as she watched astonished at the crimson flames devouring the house, she did not feel fear or shock. She was mesmerized, she had been engrossed, her heart had been captured by the flames. In the fire incident where someone died, she had fallen for the beauty of the raging flames.
Sakura didn't say anything about this.
"...Thank you for telling me about it," Henkou said.
"...So, what are you going to do now? Report me to the police, or...tell Kitahara-san about this?"
"Police huh. No, I never considered them. And in the first place, I should be the one asking that to you." He looked to his right over the trunk of the cherry blossoms, Sakura was looking at him as well. "What do you plan to do now?"
...She didn't think that far yet.
No, it was more accurate to say that she could not make a proper decision on that topic with her state right now. Her thoughts were occupied with the incident, jumbled and unstable. She could not focus on one thing. She would remember the incident that day, she would regret it, she would condemn herself, and she would try to solve something. But all of these were going in and out of her brain. Gain an idea only to switch the entire topic.
At this moment, she would not be able to solve anything.
And most importantly, her decision in this matter would greatly affect her life from now on.
"I... don't know yet," her answer came out bitter.
And the boy who looked at her with serious eyes had been a little disappointed.
"I see… But I think you should come up with a decision soon. It seems that he will leave this town in a few days after all."
Sho only came to visit after all. It made sense that he would leave soon enough.
"…Yeah, that would be… I'll try to reach a decision by tomorrow."
"Think carefully though, don't rush. And if you need some help, I could offer some advice or two too."
Sakura turned her head a little to glance at his face. While still dubious about it, she said, "…Thanks."
The two got silent again. While Sakura was still feeling her guilt, she tried to think about the things that would happen. If she took too much time, Sho would leave the town eventually, and the past will be buried again. But if she admits to Sho that she was the one who caused the fire…
What would he think? What would be his reaction…? What… would he do?
Henkou rose to his feet.
"You can think about it later. I know reaching a decision will be hard but if you don't want to have regrets, then you'll have to act when there's still chance."
"…"
"I don't want to leave any regrets in my life. I have made bad decisions already and have caused trouble for others too. But you see if you follow your own heart, then you'll be able to accept the result. But—"
Sakura inhaled and asked seriously, "Even if it results in someone dying?"
Henkou scratched his head a little in embarrassment.
"Haha. You got me good there. I don't agree with that saying too actually. It needs more specification. Sure, if I did it knowing that it might cause death then perhaps, I won't regret it. I did it knowingly, meaning I had resolved myself before it even happened. But if I made a big mistake due to a decision when I could've easily avoided it if I knew what could happen then I certainly would," Henkou admitted. "So, I think the saying should go, 'If you follow your heart and knows what your decision might entail, then you'll be able to accept the result.' Uh… yeah, sorry, I've tried to say something cool earlier…"
The girl was silent as she gazed at Henkou. She was a bit surprised. Not because he tried to say cool things like he said but because he spoke as if his words had no ounce of lies. She was compelled to ask more.
"So you're saying that if you knew the possibility that you'll cause someone's death and still did it, you won't regret it?"
"Yeah… If I must choose someone or something more important than someone's life and it resulted in them dying, then I would not regret it. But I always strive so it won't come to that though." His eyes were on the river, but they look distant. Moreover, it was as if he had already been in a situation like that before. He blinked once and turned to look at her. "In your case, it is perfectly natural to regret. I'd probably do so if I'm in your position too. But surely you would not want to have more regret, right?"
He was right about that, Sakura admitted it within her. She should come up with an answer that would sit well with her. Letting Sho leave the town without knowing anything was something she could not do.
She nodded.
"Alright then," Henkou said. "I'll come again here tomorrow first thing in the morning; I would appreciate it if you could share your answer with me by that time."
"Uhm… I am not so sure about that. I might not have an answer by then." Sakura stood as well.
"Oh yeah. Right. Then I'll be here in the morning and 5 in the afternoon, I think."
"…Okay."
"Nice. I'll be going first. See you again tomorrow," Henkou said as he lightly waved his hand. He walked in the direction where they had just come from.
She calmed her breathing once more before heading home.
Before she had fallen asleep in her bed, she heard faint drops of water hitting the ceiling. The sound grew stronger, the water dropped rapidly.
Sakura was reminded once again how much she hated rain.
If only this rain poured down four years ago…
~ . ~ . ~ . . . ~ . ~ . ~
Kawada Sakura took her morning walk like always.
The mist was thicker than any of the last few days because of the rain last night. It stopped by the time she woke up, but the atmosphere's dampness had increased. She wore proper clothes against the cold too.
She soon arrived at the usual cherry blossom tree near the river.
She took a glance at the branch where she stood on April first. Being near the tree brought comfort to her. She took a seat at the concrete pathway in the same place where she did last night, she waited there.
True to his word, Henkou appeared a few minutes later.
He raised his hand to greet.
"You're early, Sakura-san," he said.
"…I always go here at this kind of time," she answered as she stood up. Sakura was still a bit uneasy talking to him.
"Ah, I see."
"So, about the decision. I'm sorry," she bowed her head.
"Don't worry. I can just come again to ask in the afternoon. I don't think he will be leaving as soon as tomorrow too, so you still have time."
For some reason, she felt like she expected that this would be how this boy would respond. For her, it seemed that he was trying to get her answer as fast as possible, likely due to Sho's departing that would soon come. But at the same time, Henkou was telling her that she should not rush and take it slowly. She didn't know if this was kindness out of consideration or just some kind of hypocrisy.
In truth, Sakura might have an answer already. She was just unsure of it herself. No, she feared what would happen to her.
"Now this troubles me a little," Henkou said as he smiled wryly. "I don't have anything planned to do. Hey, wanna hang out somewhere nice? You'll be the one guiding me though, I am not familiar with your town after all."
Sakura was surprised and suspicious at the sudden invitation.
"Sorry, I am not in the mood…" One more reason for her refusal was that she thought that going out to have fun at this time was just not suited.
"Right, sorry. See you again later then," he said as he started to walk away.
She looked at the back of the boy who's trying to help her. At least, that's how it seemed. She could reach an answer on her own, she did not need him to offer some insight or advice. Yet—
"Actually…" Hearing Sakura spoke, Henkou stopped and turn around to face her. She continued, "…Can I ask you something?"
Bewildered at herself, Sakura looked at the face of the same confused Henkou.
"Sure," he responded.
Even after calling out to him. Sakura still had to gather her resolve to ask.
"What…do you think Kitahara-san will think if I admit about everything?"
His face switched from being confused to being astonished. He also seemed a little happy from Sakura's point of view. But that only lasted for a moment. His tone switched from casual to the sermon tone from last night, he was trying to give his insight and advice.
"He will be surprised, no doubt. And things might become bad between you two. But what's important there would be that you have properly admitted things to him. I'm sure from that point onward, you two can solve things on your own," Henkou said.
"Do you think that it would go that well?" Sakura asked once again.
She had already thought about this last night and from the moment she woke up as she walked here. She absolutely doubted that Kitahara Sho would just let things proceed smoothly.
"Yes."
"Well, I don't think so," she started. "You might not know it, but Kitahara-san has an obsession to fire. And I think he is not completely mentally stable. I could tell since we had been together several times now. Also, he had this weird feeling he is emitting sometimes…"
Henkou waited for her to continue.
"I think…that if I were to admit it… then…"
Sakura thought about it to a sickening degree and the only conclusion she could get was that Sho would…
"He might decide to take revenge on me."
Henkou was about to say something, but Sakura didn't let him as she continued fervently.
"I would accept whatever he demands from me. I think I could only atone this way after all. I won't complain even if he demands me to turn myself in. If he tells me that he wishes for my life, then I would not mind being killed by him either. But…even if I already prepared myself for various things he might say, I am not sure if he would do something else. I could not predict his thought…. I am scared. I don't know how to respond if he were to demand something even more terrifying."
Although she was uneasy, she was a little surprised that she was calmer than expected as she suggested the topic of her own death.
That's right. Kawada Sakura had thought of many things that Sho would say. She resolved herself to atone even if she were to offer her life in exchange. It was something she had already considered in her mind even before meeting with Henkou yesterday. As she spent time thinking, she had arrived at the possibility where Sho would want her to atone with her life. If she were to admit everything to him, she had to be prepared for whatever he was going to say.
However, she thought that Sho might even do something worse than just killing her. This seemed far-fetched? No, Sakura didn't think so. She believed that Sho had that capacity in him.
"First of all, nope."
But contrary to her thoughts, Henkou denied it.
"I don't think he would want to take revenge on you." He approached her and landed a weak hand chop on her head. "And second, why are you throwing your life already? Don't throw your life so easily."
Sakura glared at him for saying things as if he understood Sho already. "You don't know him yet. You just only met him twice so far."
"No, that isn't the case. Yesterday morning, I left you two here and went somewhere, right? After that, I met Sho-san again and we hung out until the afternoon. So, while it may be a little presumptuous, I think I know him enough to say that he won't take revenge or something like that."
Sakura didn't think that they had met for a third time already.
"But that's still not enough. If it's just half a day, then you wouldn't properly be able to know someone," she pointed out.
"If we're using that argument, you who only spend time with him during the night isn't much better. Sho-san told me about it, that you guys are meeting in that clearing. You can't lie to me."
"Geh," Sakura admitted in her mind, [He's right about that.]
"In the first place, what are you two doing in that place during the night? He told me that you were just burning things but… could it be…"
Henkou stopped in his words and stared at her. The girl thought why, and her face reddened in an instant.
She raised her voice as she stared at Henkou in disbelief. "What the hell are you thinking, you pervert!"
"N-no. I didn't mean to think about that! That was just, uh, accidental reflex—ah no, accidental thought process! Yes! I didn't mean to think about perverted stuff!"
Henkou looked silly as he tried to explain himself.
"I really am not a pervert. If you ask my female classmates, I bet most of them would say that I'm a good guy!"
Sakura knew that he didn't mean anything bad about it, but she couldn't help herself to tease him even more, seeing that this boy acting so carefree was seriously flustered.
"So you did think about it," she added.
"I…I am very sorry." Henkou earnestly bowed his head.
"Pfff—hehe." Sakura giggled. She then wiped the tears in the corner of her eyes as she apologized. "Sorry, you look really funny there."
"…Aha-ha." He looked relieved.
"We were just chatting and burning things there. Nothing else, nothing more. Got it?"
"Y-yeah."
"Good." Sakura composed herself. Laughing a little had made her chest feel lighter. "Now then, I'll return to the topic. If you had seen Kitahara-san as he burned, then you might change your mind too. I saw a glint of obsession in his eyes as he watched the flames. They look focused, and he seemed weirdly happy too. I'm telling you; he is a little…"
"Crazy?"
"…I'm surprised how you can tell that so casually," she uttered as she released a deep sigh. "Yes."
"That's what you wanted to say right? Well, I kinda agree though. I've talked with him about different topics, and he brought the topic of the fire incident himself. As he talked, I felt a bit creeped out. He specifically described the fire in detail, about what he felt and thought," Henkou stated.
"What? If you know that much, then why did you say he won't take revenge?" Sakura asked.
"Cause' I seriously believe he won't. Though I said I was a bit creeped out and actually, I think he's weird too, still, he's a good guy. Aside from the topic of the fire, he was completely normal. He can laugh and crack at my lousy jokes just fine. He even makes some lousy jokes himself."
[He is?] Sakura thought. She could not completely believe what Henkou had told her. All the time she spent together with Sho was when they were burning. If seen that way, what Sakura had seen was always his weird side.
"He's kind too. He treated me lunch believe it or not and he helped in my search. We went to ask around the neighborhood about the criminal. I did say that I'm trying to investigate right? Sho-san joined me with that."
"Hmm… I see. It seemed like you got to know him quite well…" Sakura thought about Sho as she felt kind of frustrated. Henkou's input made her relax her thoughts about the things that Sho might do. She started thinking a little that maybe it wouldn't go bad as she was expecting. "Still… I won't ignore the possibility that he would try to take revenge."
"That's fine. What matters now is that you have made your decision, right?"
Sakura frowned. "How can you tell? It is not as if I told you that I already decided, right?"
"I mean…" Henkou started as though he was about to say something very obvious. "You have a determined look plastered on your face right there."
"Ehh?"
[He can read people's expressions. Or was my face that obvious?]
"D-do I look weird?"
"No. I like your face this way," Henkou simply said.
"...."
She was surprised at how smooth talker Henkou was. He had managed to make her talk about the incident, cheered her up a little, and now this too. He had certainly gained a favorable impression with that just now after all.
"You looked depressed yesterday and still was gloomy earlier. Having a bright expression suits you better, especially since your name is Sakura same with this splendid tree," he added as he tapped the cherry blossom's trunk with his hand.
"…You really try to say something cool, eh? Was that deliberate?"
"Eh? I really think that way though."
"So it's natural then. Haha." Sakura laughed. She took deep breathes. "Yeah, I'll tell everything to him tonight… I'm still a little scared though."
"If that's the case, want me to come with you? I'll just be watching you two somewhere behind the tree or bushes though. I'll also be keeping my ears open if you suggest something that throws your life away again. If that happens, I'll send a stronger chop on your head. And if he wants to take revenge, you can count on me at that time. I doubt anything like that will happen though."
Sakura widened her eyes from Henkou's proposal. She was honestly relieved when she knew that he would accompany her.
[I can count on him, huh.]
The thought brought a smile to her lips.
"I'll take your offer then, Henkou-san. And don't worry, I won't say something like that anymore." Sakura extended her hand to him. "I'll be in your care."
"Yeah, you better be prepared if you do." He grinned. "Likewise."
The two shook hands in this cool, bright morning, not knowing the harsh fate that awaited them when the night would come.