A couple of minutes passed with me holding the gun to my head and somehow it felt like all my senses were super heightened; I could hear the clock on the wall ticking, I could hear the faint breathing coming from the body on my kitchen floor, and I could hear my heart beating against my chest.
I was more than ready to die, so I couldn't for the life of me figure out why it was so hard for me to pull the damn trigger.
It took a few more minutes (or perhaps hours?) of me standing there in absolute silence for me to finally figure out what was wrong. I WAS ready, but the problem was that I was scared. I was scared of dying alone. I didn't feel like I had done enough bad things in my life to actually deserve that fate. Yes, I was a horrible human being, but not horrible enough to deserve this fate. So I guess that's where HE came in.
He too was bad, so I would do the world a favor and I would rid it of the both of us.
I think the worst part about coming to the end of a life chapter is that you are forced to take a step back and reflect on every single detail leading up to that final moment. I was no exception. In that moment I was forced to stand there and evaluate all my life's decisions until I felt absolutely sick to my stomach.
Life had thrown some shitty storms my way. But then again, life had also thrown multiple chances of healing and reformation my way, and I, like the stubborn prick I was, had refused to take them. Instead, I had chosen to go down a deep, dark path.
I think deep down I had always known that it would all one day end this way: With me in my apartment, with a gun in my hand. But I think the problem was that I didn't want to crash and burn alone, you know? So like the selfish prick that I am, I subconsciously decided that I would take everything and everyone else around me with.
But before you decide to drag me and judge me, I would like the chance to explain to you how I got to this point, and trust me, it wasn't a short or an easy journey. For you to fully understand what led me to my breaking point, I would have to tell my story right from the beginning, or at least the beginning of the end.
I would have to take you 92 days back.