It was mainly due to Dr Smith's insight. While we walked to Starbucks for our drinks, he told me that Dawn might be suspicious about our relationship and asked someone to confirm that we know each other well.
"Send me a message about some stuff you'd tell people that you can claim as"close ". I'll tell you about myself as well so that we can both be prepared when someone asks that question."
So we both did, so I knew he had the resources to convince him. I knew I didn't need to worry then, hence I wasn't too shocked with the question. I was more shocked at Dr Smith for guessing that question: I would have never thought about that.
Dawn got the answer from my uncle and said, "Well, seems like you were speaking the truth about knowing him well. Your uncle just told me that he messaged Dr Smith and found out you both know each other well. Apparently, they had to chat by messenger because Dr Smith was meeting one of his friends."
I secretly let out a breath, thankful for his witty answer to avoid a potential disaster. "See? I told you we know each other well."
"I'll believe you. For now." I got a good feeling Dawn would try to test me soon, so I mentally reminded myself to read over what he had written to me whenever I got a chance in moments when I'm sure Dawn couldn't see me.
We kept silent for a while, but soon after Dawn asked, "Are you planning to see him soon?"
Of course, I was sure she meant Dr Smith — I mean, who else could it be anyways? — so I just shrugged and said, "Well, I'm not really sure. He's quite busy and does have his group of friends, too. We both like having personal space and time."
She didn't say anything, so I assumed she just nodded her eyes. "How did you know I was talking about him?"
"Well, I didn't expect you to talk about my uncle like that. I mean, the next time I see him would probably be when you'd see him." I said matter-of-factly, not thinking it was really worth a question.
"Did you ever think it was odd to have that kind of a relationship with your uncle? I mean, I don't think you see him any more often than I see my parents."
"Exactly." Dawn seemed decently confused as to how that could be the answer. "He is just a legal guardian. Yes, he may be family, but that's it: we just don't have a strong bond, just like you do with your parents."
I looked up at her face then, to make sure she understood my point. Dawn seemed to nod in understanding but still looked a bit decently confused. "But I thought you didn't hold a grudge against your uncle or aunt."
"Well, I don't, now, but we've just been like this for so long that it's too late to reverse anything. I did say some hurtful things, but he did say a lot as well."
For context, my parents first got divorced when I was eight, which Dawn is not aware of. I had totally lost contact with my father's side, but I do not regret it, as the only memory I still have about him is him being abusive to both me and my mum.
My mother passed away in my first year of high school. It was around the time I was preparing for my first-ever midterm that she was suddenly diagnosed with stage 4 of NSCLC(non-small cell lung cancer), which has a lower fatality rate than Dawn's.
However, despite all the work my uncle and his crew did, he was with me during that time, she passed away after three months, the day before my finals. I had gone through the worst mental breakdown ever; I had just dropped to the ground when my HR teacher told me the news. I just broke down crying, unable to control any of my reactions.
The teacher had called my aunt, so she came and picked me up on her way to the hospital. I had nothing against her until this, mainly because I just hadn't seen her often to build an acquaintance. But just before she shut the door after dropping me off in front of the building, I heard her say, "She would have lived longer, if not for him." As if I was the reason for her getting cancer and dying.
That had scarred me enough, but when I found out my uncle specialised in lung cancer — of all cancers — I just exploded. Now I know it was thoughtless of me to react like that, as having a lower fatality rate than SCLC doesn't mean it is statistically high. The five-year survival rate of stage 4 is around five to ten per cent, so it is still high. But I still criticised him for not saving my mum, thinking at that time he had the skills but didn't because his wife hated me. I remember him saying hurtful things as well, on the same line as the wife, which was why I never opened up to them.
Things took a different turn when I started learning about NSCLC, mainly to prevent moments like this from happening so that no families felt the hurt I did. That was when I learned how difficult it was to treat this and the fatality was also high as well. That was when I started to feel a bit bad for the words I had shouted to him then, but I wasn't really sorry, as his words — especially combined with his wife's words — hurt me more back then.
Now the grudges — at least on my side — have disappeared a bit. The words that were spoken still haunt me and traumatised me into thinking that I was the real cause of my mother's cancer and death. It was a permanent scar that still hasn't healed yet, something that has affected my relationships and I'm trying to cope with it. It was still affecting my life and I still haven't found someone capable of healing it. Maybe Dr Smith can, if I let him, but I don't know if I'd be able to trust him enough to let him.
"Is he helping you with that, then?" I knew Dawn would ask me that, as she had seen me at my most unstable moments.
"I haven't told him about that bit yet. I don't know if I'd be able to trust him enough to provide him with that information."
Dawn simply nodded in understanding, something she was better at than anyone I'd met before. She just had that ability to look into people's faces and convey she is listening and feeling their emotions. It's probably something she perfected, or maybe something she was already good at.
I smiled in gratitude to her for understanding the reason behind my actions without criticising my choices.