Gia Reynold
Weeks and months have come and gone like the seasons, an empty vessel would be an understatement for what I was feeling really. It's been over three month's since my little run in with Colt and it has only gotten worse from there "yeah I know what you must be thinking, can this girl be any more pathetic and pitiful?", but dealing with uncalled for emotions is a never ending dark and twisted vicious cycle that makes you feel nothing but worthless in the end.
"Was I a waste of life?" I darkly ask myself "Is there something wrong with me that I'm so alienated in this scool or could it be that I'll just never measure up to the beauty standards of Mildred High?" All I could think about was that dreadful day with Colt, where it felt like it all went wrong for me, "Gah!" So much for turning a new page I sarcastically think.
I was so engrossed in the wildfire of my thoughts that I completely forgot that I was still sitting in class with Remmy and Makenzie "someone seems like they're in a foul mood today, what crept up your ass Gia?" Makenzie asks with a raised eyebrow. Makenzie was a new added member to our group of two. I always felt a pang of jealousy and possessiveness wash over me when Remmy made new friends, and a beautiful one at that Makenzie has layered shoulder length ginger hair, with sky blue eyes, plump pink lips and boobs the size of grapefruits something I always despised her for because mine looked like two tennis balls, barely noticeable.
"Nothing" I mumbled out in annoyance "uhhh okay then" she said dismissively while shrugging her shoulders. This was the problem I was beginning to have with the friends I surround myself with, they're too obvlious to the raging storms forming within the depths of my soul and always quick to dismiss emotional problems whenever they saw a glimmer of it, like my burden is too much weight to carry for them. Is this really all that life has to offer a person, a never ending merry go round of endless hurt, pain, rejection and loneliness? I bitterly think to myself.
Tuning myself back into Remmy and Makenzie's conversation that has been going on for about twenty minutes nonstop about some unknown guy Makenzie hooked up with over the weekend, my eyes nearly bulge out of their eye sockets at how discriptive her extracurricular activities were "Fuck Remmy the way his growing bulge pressed into my needy centre while he was kissing me senseless set a wave of electricity through me. I've never felt anything like it before and the guy knew exactly what to do with his tongue" she quirks her eyebrows in a suggestive manner. Hearing the way Makenzie boasted about her sexual experience in so much detail perked up a curiosity inside of me I never knew existed "that's strange I've never felt this way before" I puzzledly thought.
Unexpectedly and unknowingly I voice a thought out loud "What does it feel like kissing someone?" I manage to say with a hint of embarrassment "I mean h-how do you even know what t-to do when it happens?" I stutter out further, both girls looked at me like I grew a second head, Makenzie the first to snap out of her state of shock "Rem she's kidding right?" she looks disbelievingly between the two of us realising that I'm not "please tell me she's fucking kidding?" she says in between fits of laughter. I hated Makenzie's laugh she sounded like a hyena on steroids and Remmy soon joined in on her laughing fit "she's not Zee" Remmy manages to wheeze out.
My cheeks were turning a beetroot red the longer I sat there feeling absolutely mortified. Makenzie wiped the tears at the corner of her eye with her jersey sleeve, she looked at me with amusement etched on her face "are you sure you're ready to process all of the information I'm about to give you Gia?" she says in a playful tone. I reluctantly nod my head "y-yeah" I hesitantly squak out. Makenzie focuses her attention on Remmy having a private conversation with her eyes asking her for permission of some sorts Remmy nods her head in acknowledgement "Gia it's simple" Makenzie starts off by saying "once his tongue dives deep into the crevices of your mouth you'll understand in that moment whether you want to fight for dominance or submit to his pace" she says with finality.
An evil grin spreads across Makenzie's face "then you have kissing that requires just his tongue and...." before she could finish what she was about to say Remmy had her in a headlock "don't you dare finish that sentence Makenzie or so help me god I'll make you regret it" Remmy says with slight panic in her voice "okay you bitch, now let me go" she chokes out. Sitting there slightly amused at their exchange Makenzie gives me a pointed look "I hope my PG rated version of your kissing lesson made sense" she says yawning with disinterest.
"Y-yeah I g-guess that makes sense" I lie through my teeth "absolutely freaken not" my inner voice shouts at me accusingly, and there it was that pang in my chest that reminded me of why I was so inexperienced compared to other teenage girls my age "are these the kind of things you need to do in order to fit in?" I started thinking.
Makenzie was still staring at me like she was trying to figure something out when her eyes grew a considerable amount "so if you never had your first kiss before that means you're still a virgin" she states matter of factly. I sat there in silence with my eyes downcast confirming her speculations earning a shocked gasp from her "was that embarrassment I felt? But why? Shouldn't I feel proud of myself for still keeping my virtue intact?" I confusedly asked myself. These unknown feelings were starting to build up day by day, and if I wasn't careful I think I might just combust.
"Makenzie, common you're making her uncomfortable" Remmy finally speaks up "god Remmy it's just a fucking statement! I mean the girl walks around with a stick up her ass and acts like mother Theresa" she spits bitterly "I bet she can't even say the word fuck if her life depended on it" she says tauntingly with a daring smirk. I don't know where Makenzie's accusations were coming from, but that pang in my chest just reminded me once again how inexperienced I was for this world and it was starting to swallow me whole.
Both girls turned their attention towards me, one with guilt and pitty evident in their eyes and the other with a daunting and expectant stare waiting for me to say something, like my life depended on that one word, like the only way for Makenzie to accept me was to wipe away everything I knew and believed in and replace it with the new "well Gia what are you waiting for?" she pushes further "You're such a wimp it's disappointing really, no wonder you're still a virgin that hasn't even so much as kissed a guy cause none of them want you" Makenzie spits her accusations and shakes her head in disappointment.
I could feel my patients wearing thin "you're such a fucking bitch" I snap out. Remmy's head nearly snapped off when she realised the words came from me, but Makenzie no Makenzie sat there delighting in her accomplishment of getting me to that point "well would you look at that miss goody two shoes isn't as innocent as she claims to be" she snarls out with distaste.
That was the thing though with trying to fit in with the crowd, gone were the thoughts of making choices based off of your values, but rather got replaced by a dark imitation of what the world expects you to be. Closing my eyes for a brief moment realising what I have succumbed to I try to keep my anger at bay but more word vomit came tumbling out "at least I'm not a whore that spreads her legs for every man that touches me" I say with conviction, both Makenzie and Remmy looked at me stunned.
Her stunned look was slowly replaced with her famous sinnister smirk "at least I have men at my disposal I can't say the same for you Gia since you're a walking disaster just waiting to happen" she spits her fire back. The addreniline that was sourcing through me a few seconds ago has completely drained out of me when I saw the finality in Mackenzie's eyes.
It's in that moment that I realised that this was the start of a beautiful disaster where I'm slowly losing parts of myself that would put the "pure and innocent" Gia to shame, but this made me feel different like I experienced a glimpse of power by standing up for myself for once.