The Lioness and The Lamb Chapter Four/ Part Five
Jyn
As my body stirs awake I find her once more curled up next to me which I can understand. So much has happened between us lately that it's like a carnival ride. The night when she lashed out still plagues me deeply and those words hit more painfully. I agreed to any condition just to stay by her side but when I got to that point everything inside became afraid. When we walked I stayed silent afraid the wrong word would separate us again. If I was still living as that created side of me things would have gone badly much faster. At some point, I had forgotten how docile and lenient my real self could be. Her feelings can not be hidden for a long time which has often been true but I wish she was a little harder on me. After all that I had done to us, I'm sure I deserve it either way yet her loneliness seems to take priority. Even though at that time I was so terrible.
While letting myself get more comfortable with her it's hard to ignore how much she's trying for more. If I could tell her that baby steps were all I knew at this point would she believe me or just laugh. I know what I liked to fit that side of me but this side has never had the chance to live and learn what intimacy would be like. Perhaps it's a good thing she agreed to learn more about me since even im still learning.
"You okay?..."
" Yeah im fine, did I wake you?"
" No, I have to go to work today... Hey Jyn, are you sure this is okay for you?"
" What do you mean?"
" Me sleeping here next to you even though I basically said one thing and did something else. Then I said so much that was unnecessary as well... I guess what im saying is that I feel guilty and pushy."
That is something most people would feel guilty about but I understand why at least. Not to mention we had a good day so far which ended well. Yet she still seeks the intimacy we once had but it's not easy for me to give it knowing that could bring the other side out.
" Is this about last night?... Everything is fine, im just learning things again. I just feel like intimacy will be that step forward which I don't think we are ready for yet. That's a me thing though so don't let it get to you, for now at least we are fine."
" Do we need proper space from each other so you can figure things out... Logically most people would have moved on but I was the one holding out hope... Then I motives you had disappeared so I buried it deeply, but not deep enough. While at work you can figure things out..."
" What if I don't know how to figure anything out or just remain at the same place. This is a lot to think about and handle... But I keep treating you like a landmine."
I wanted to say more but when I looked at her to finish her lips pressed into mine. The surprise stunned me but she was relentless and I soon found my mouth opening for her before I could recover. She was making me feel so submissive as she claimed what she wanted.
" It's chaotic for me too but deep down even if im disconnect ted from my body. Even if my mind doesn't fully acknowledge you as the one who holds my heart. And if my heart fails to beat with you around, I'll know what I want... Even if I have to fight against myself till I win."
She left me looking so surprised and silent because my words could not compare. We both are suffering inside but she's pushing against it with the odds stacked. Her words from that night come back to me even harder. We were supposed to be friends learning things as we go but no one can truly erase what was built. Even if one has changed completely the other can show the way forward till they reach a fork in the road. Which is what she's doing now and it leaves me speechless and with a choice. Our lives become something new or we end this properly and say goodbye.
Since stating inside was making my head spin and exhausting my mind a walk seemed much better. Since I didn't know the area I moved aimlessly around hoping for something to distract me. Until I could find something to distract me I was being plagued still which became a bigger problem. It's not easy to say how long I was walking but the sound of dogs pulled my attention. Somehow I arrived at a shelter for animals that seemed down on their luck but the animals looked happy. Each puppy was excited about human contact so my fingers had to move quickly to keep them all happy. The distraction I needed had arrived which was even helping me smile.
" Oh hello, are you here for the job?... Or are you here to adopt?"
The man that came out seemed more weighed down than me and much more aged. I hadn't noticed they were hiring but maybe it would be good.
" Honestly I heard the dogs while walking so I stopped over. What are you hiring for ?"
" Right now I could use a caregiver most since im loaded in paperwork and construction."
" Construction for what?"
" Well my wife lived animals and this was hers but when she passed this was what I had left of her. Her dream was to buy that big ranch outside the city and make it a personal shelter. But im drowning in so much work right now and not many people want the job so far either."
" That's a good reason but im sure she wouldn't want you bringing yourself down like this. I'm good at business and I can even take care of the animals here for you."
" Alright you are hired, thanks so much for this honestly. My name is Robert and you are?"
"Everyone calls me Jyn, thanks for the chance."
It was surprising how trusting he was but it's not often people would offer a hand either without receiving something first. I just hope I can help him lighten the load more he seems like a good guy. After being given a tour I lead to a locker room where I could change into the clothes.
" Alright we can finish the hiring process when I return, a delivery arrived for the food. Thanks again."
Someone was thanking me forest helping them out and it was genuine just like his trust. It's strange to have some stranger be so kind without a reason. Before I got started working I wanted Cat to know about this most. But I didn't know how to start the conversation either it's comical how im fumbling even more now.
" Hey, I got a job at an animal shelter."
" That's amazing, how does it feel to work in the light.?"
" Good and refreshing."
" I have lunch in about two hours or so, where are you at?"
I gave her the address but wasn't sure what she would do coming here. Before my mind could wander the dogs and kittens started making noise. Whatever she plans will have to wait till these little guys are taken care of. From feeding all the animals to letting them out back in the built pens for them to run around in, everything seems smooth. Leaving some cleaning and adjustments while I waited for the timer to signal me to let them back inside. The sound of a vehicle pulling up caught my attention. Robert had a truck full of boxes and bags which must have been the food for everyone. Just as I started helping him unload Cat showed up offering help with unloading. It felt good to be happy having a job like this but seeing her visit me seemed to make things even better.
"So you are Catherine, im Robert, and thanks for helping unload."
"I'm on lunch but told Jyn I would stop by. This place is really cozy."
"Thanks, it looks like Jyn managed to get some extra work done. Well since you're on lunch break ill go get some papers done."
With his quick exit to the back office, Cat started setting up the lunch she purchased. Even though I was still working she decided to hand feed me some while I git the shelves stocked.
"Do you like working here?"
"Yeah it's different and I feel refreshed in a way. Something I can be proud of doing I guess. Not to mention, the animals are adorable"
"That's good it should help you get settled faster as well. I'm happy for you Jyn."
The food got eaten faster which let me show her around before the end of her break. It was good seeing how she fell in love with all the animals. Before heading back to work she mentioned having a celebration when she gets home and after a brief kiss she was heading off. Once again she was in charge of taking the lead which still felt a little different but not unpleasant.