Weight.
Something that has been tormenting me for a long time. It wasn't enough to feel like a weight before, now I literally feel like a weight, and the scale is the protagonist of my thoughts. All I do is go to the bathroom, undress and weigh myself, and if I see an extra kilo I get sick and I don't eat for a while. I can't help feeling this way, even when I eat well and healthy I feel guilty and sometimes I want to cry and scream but I don't do it. For example, I'm in the bathroom right now, I'm looking in the mirror and I don't like what I see, not my face, but not my body either. I take the scales out from under the cabinet and after weighing myself I still feel guilty. Sometimes I am afraid to step on the scales because of what it might show me. I really wonder how it is possible that I ended up thinking all these things, after all no one has ever told me anything, no one has ever told me anything about my physique and yet I am like this and I can't do anything about it.
To relax I decide to take a shower. The hot water has a calming effect on me, even though it is in the shower that the worst and most negative thoughts come to mind and sometimes I let off steam by crying.
I get out of the shower and put the towel around me and I go to my room where I put on my pyjamas. I ignore the muttering of my stomach and throw myself on the bed. I pick up my phone and open WhatsApp seeing a message from an unknown number.
Unknown:*I know you were looking forward to texting you, and try to contain your hormones, although I know it's hard when it comes to me. Anyway, how are we going to do the maths tutoring?* I understand that it's about Nathan, only he can start a conversation like this.
*I'm really excited, yeah. Anyway, I don't know. We can go to the library one of these days* I answer him.
I get up to look for the headphones I threw somewhere in the room and then I go back to the bed noticing that the same number sent me a message. I decide to save it in the address book and read the message.
Nathan: *Why in the library? Can't we do it at my place or yours?*
Rebeca: *As you wish. Just know that if I see that you are not committed, I will stop teaching you, because it would be a waste of time.*
Nathan: *All right, boss. Saturday night is the party at Madison's house so we can do it in the morning. What do you say?*
Rebeca: *All right. Ten o'clock is good for you?*
Nathan: *Okay. Ten o'clock at my house*
I roll my eyes and sigh. I wonder why I am doing this, but I already know the answer. I'm doing a favour for the teacher, also because I wouldn't have the courage to say no to her. I hear the doorbell ring and I assume that Jace has arrived, in fact after a few minutes the door of the house opens and the voice I hear is not that of my parents. When I think about the fact that I have to go to Nathan's house on Saturday to tutor him, it makes me sick. I was hoping he would forget about it, although I should have written to him at that point and I'm thankful that he did, because if he hadn't, he would have gotten his head up more than he does now.
***
Friday morning arrives fairly quickly and the lessons flow quickly. Strangely enough, Friday is a relaxing day, if you don't have questions or homework of course. Luckily I didn't bump into Nathan, but I should ask him where he lives, since I don't know. After eating a simple salad, under the eyes of my two best friends who give me a bad stare and they shake their heads, I go looking for him. I walk around the school until I see him at the vending machines with Noah, his best friend. I don't feel like going there, also because then he would start making jokes about me with his best friend and I don't want that. So I decide to go back, but just as I'm about to do so he sees me and calls me.
"You couldn't wait to see me, huh. I told you yesterday to hold back your hormones but relax, I get it" he says as I reach him.
"Hi Noah... Anyway my hormones run away when they see you, guess what. I was looking for you to ask for your home address" I tell him.
"Are you trying to stalk me by any chance?" he says with the usual smirk that would be smackable.
"No you idiot. For tutoring," I remind him. Meanwhile Noah looks at the scene with a confused look.
"Tutoring? What repetitions?" he asks
"For maths. Don't you remember? I told you yesterday that the teacher stressed me out," Nathan says.
"And she put you in charge? Well that's okay since she's the best in the class. Make sure you use a condom when you do it" he says then.
A condom? I'm not going to do anything with him, I'm going to become a nun instead.
"Sorry to interrupt your stupid conversation, but Nathan and I aren't going to do anything at all" I say and he makes a 'they all say that' face and it really pisses me off about this. How dare he say such things? I really don't know how girls like them.
"Now tell me where you live please. I can't stand your presence anymore" I repeat.
"Fine, whatever" and he finally gives it to me and I walk out of there.
I catch up with my two best friends complaining about the stupidity of those two and their arrogance.
"Are you sure you don't like Nathan?" they ask me for the hundredth time and I roll my eyes in denial
"But do you think I like someone as him? Like I don't know how he treats girls. Okay I despise myself but not so much that I let him bully me" I continue.
"We know that, don't worry. Anyway after school are you coming over?" asks Alison.
"Yeah, but I have to stop by the house first to get the stuff for tonight" I tell her.
"Alright, let's go together and then to my place. What time do you have to leave on Saturday morning?" she asks.
"From your house it takes twenty minutes to get to Nathan's, so at nine thirty, so I can take my time" I answer.
We are interrupted by the bell that reminds us that we have to go to class and so we do, first meeting at the usual place.