On his rare venture outside of Hell, Satan turned up to the house to hear how Damien was coping. When he arrived, Claire and Richard had just come back from the hospital, with Richard in a back brace.
"Woah." Satan raised an eyebrow. "What the hell happened to you?"
Nobody seemed to want to answer his question. Even Kitty and Carrie averted their eyes, and Carrie's were buttons.
"Why are you all acting suspicious?" He asked. He was starting to get worried.
"Um," Claire cleared her throat, finally looking him in the eye. "Well, we didn't want to tell you in case you worried, but, er, well-"
"Dana was here." Kitty muttered with a nervous look on his face.
"What do you mean?" Satan frowned. "Why was she here?"
"She was looking for Damien." Claire said. "She seemed pretty angry."
"She destroyed the bedroom, and the floor." Richard said, sitting down on the sofa with a pained grunt. "And she did this." He pointed to his back.
Satan felt like a pile of bricks had fallen on him. His lie didn't work. Now his son was in even more peril.
"I see." He whispered. "I'm sorry for all the trouble we've caused you."
"Oh, no. It's OK, really." Claire insisted, holding her hands in front of her. "It's not yours or Damien's fault."
"We want to protect him, and you." Kitty said. "We care about both of you."
Satan nodded. "Thank you. But you no longer have to worry. I'll end all of this. I promise."
He was going to fix this once and for all. He would do anything to protect his children and their loved ones, even if it meant challenging a god.
☽☾
So here he was, standing in the cloister of the Golden Temple, locked in God's intimidating stare.
"You lied to me." God narrowed his kaleidoscope eyes.
"Yes," Satan said, remaining eye contact despite his fear. "I did, to protect my child."
God tutted. "And that's what makes you weak. You shouldn't love your child. You should nurture them, yes, but only to further your agenda. They should worship and respect you, and fear you. Playing happy families doesn't gain you an empire."
Satan clenched his fist. "Everyone does things differently. I'll continue to guide my children and keep them safe, while you breed loyal soldiers. I have my way, you have your way. Let's just leave it at that."
He got an amused hum in reply. "I suppose so. Now, I'll get straight to the point. Why did you summon me?"
"I have a proposition for you."
"Oh? This should be good." God grinned like an excited child and clapped his hands together. "Please, go on."
"It's not fair making them fight for our own personal dispute." Satan said. "So, I challenge you to a battle for the Earth in their place."
This caught God off guard. His surprise turned to irritation. "We've had this agreement in place for over two thousand years, and you want to change it now?"
"Yes. I know we had an agreement, but I believe it should be revoked. It's not right to force kids to fight to the death over what their fathers believe in. I want to spare my own from this unreasonable arrangement."
"Is it just for Damien, or also for the other three?"
"All of them."
God eyed Satan. He closed his eyes and sighed. "Very well. You wish to change it, so be it. Just don't complain when you're defeated."
Before Satan knew it, they transported to a different world. It made sense not to battle on Earth. If they did the whole planet would shatter. This planet seemed empty, so it wouldn't matter if they destroyed it. The sky was pink, the grass was blue, and there were three luminescent moons above. It would have been beautiful if it wasn't created by an omniscient psychopath who was baying for his blood.
The blue grass underneath his feet expanded into step-like terrain. He struggled to keep his balance as he went up into the air. He summoned his ravens to hold him up, and the rising ground stopped. God must have given up trying to knock him over.
Satan couldn't rest for too long. He thought he would have time to counterattack, but God bombarded him with a wave of glittering green water. The force of it swept him away. Even his ravens couldn't keep him steady.
Instead, he called upon them to pull him out of the water. They flew at top speed to catch up with him. They grabbed his clothes with their beaks and yanked him up into the sky.
Once he was in the air, Satan blew a massive smoke cloud down onto the land below. The smoke surrounded God, making it difficult to see, which put Satan at the advantage. He could see through his smoke.
Satan dropped down from the sky. Once he landed, he unleashed a barrage of kicks and punches at God. He was holding his own well. God couldn't fight what he couldn't see. Satan would easily win.
Or so he thought.
His cockiness was his undoing. While he was too busy attacking God, a gust of wind hit him from behind, sending him flying head first into the blue grass. He sat up, sputtering mud and lawnage. He should have expected something like that. God was the creator of this world. Of course he could control the weather here.
While he was removing the dirt from his mouth, an army of humanoid rocks sprang forth from the ground. They descended on him, battering him with their stone fists. Satan lay there, shielding himself from the blows as best as he could. He found a small opening in the mass of punches and spewed lava from his mouth onto them. The rock people melted like butter in a microwave.
Scrambling to his feet, Satan created a massive volcano which spat out lava, ash and steam. He thought he had a win in the bag with this, but he was naive.
Another great gust of wind blew the smoke away, and purple snow covered the volcano, stopping the lava. All Satan could do was watch as God foiled another of his attempts.
As if it couldn't get any worse, a rainfall started. But it wasn't normal rain – it was holy water. The liquid hit Satan's skin and burnt him all over. He fell to the ground, trying to conceal his skin with his blazer, screaming in agony. It felt like acid was melting his flesh.
After a few seconds, he felt himself pulled in by some unknown force, sucked in like a spider in a vacuum. Before he could see what was going on, his vision went black. He was stuck in a dark, cramped place. He was trapped, but he didn't know where.
☽☾
As the red box he was holding sucked Satan inside, God smirked. He wrapped the box in chains laced with holy water.
He had won, fair and square.
He and the box transported back to Earth, right in front of the temple. This would be Satan's prison for the rest of eternity. Now, he couldn't stop the demise of his children. Damien would fight Dana, but he was never going to win. God could enjoy watching him struggle, knowing he had no chance of surviving.
God would rule the Earth, like he was destined to do since the beginning of time. No one could stand in his way now.