It happens every night and is always the same. I'm in my best friend James's body. I see everything from his point of view and he's coming home from work to our apartment. I open the door to the apartment to complete silence. I call out to myself but their is no answer. I leave thinking nothing is off, mostly because I stay in my room alot. After long I feel him get nervous and I enter my room.

That's when I see myself hanging there, cut wrists bleeding profusely. My face purple from suffocation and my eyes poping out like one of those stress toys that you squeeze. I immediately feel my lunch come up and run to the bathroom.

That's when I wake up, cold sweat and all. It happened like that for months always the same, wrists cut eyes poping out purple face. I mean it makes sense though, why I whuld take my life.

I have always felt not right, always empty ya know. It's what the shrinks call "depression" and I've had it ever since I was a kid. It's always the same I still laugh, smile, get angry, and have emotions (I'm not a sociopath). But when I'm alone nothing to distract me that's when I curl up in a ball and cry until I fall asleep. Words like your worthless, you destroy everything, no one loves you, your just a burden to everyone, and my favorite one of all "just end it all ready" running through my head.

And two nights ago my dream continued. And after my friend stopped throwing up. He went to get me down and he saw a letter I had written a day ago. I know this because I just wrote it yesterday. it starts like this

///

MY VOID

I feel nothing, never have. Just a black all encompassing nothing, just a great big void. Will I ever feel happy? I don't think I have ever been happy. Just nothing and do I deserve happiness I mean I haven't been the nicest person, no I've been a terrible person. So do I deserve this?

I think maybe I will always be this way just nothing, but at least I have my distractions. games, online stories, movies, and TV shows everything to keep my mind off of how I feel. But maybe it will change, maybe I'll wake up and be like everyone else, like it was just a dream But no. my torment will go on ever further until that final day when I take my last breath.

Maybe I'll do it, just one clean cut and done. Or just a few hand fulls of pills "down the hatch" I'd say. Maybe it will be an act of God, just struck down from some random sickness one day or a heart attack. Most likely it'll be someone else like a car crash or a random mugging gone bad, at least that's what statistics say. Although I could get to my old age and die surrounded by family and friends as I pass on but it still won't change. My happiness won't change, I'll still be filled whith nothing I'll just be like a leaf blowing in the wind nothing to care about because I have no feeling.

My mind goes back to the simple times of being a kid and even then I still felt this way, I was just good at hiding it.

But I just whant to be like others and feel something like go on a date whith a pretty girl, have a beer whith the boys, and have a fun time whith family. I know it would be different though I wouldn't feel the same as others. just a nagging feeling that I'm the odd one, I'm the something different.

Maybe someone will read this or maybe I'll just go about my life as I have before. Getting put down by my dad, getting advise from my brother Todd, having empty fun whith James, and being distanced whith my mom. Or maybe someone will hear me and change something. Or I'll just end it and be at peace finally

but something will happen it always does and when it does it's never pretty. But I have come to terms whith my void and it will always be there but I will hide it from the world, till it will consume me whole.but I will still be here but I won't be the same guy you knew I'll be different and that's not that bad

But the void will be here until my last breath it will be here, MY VOID.

///

But aftter he reads the letter I wake up. I feel like it's the future, like some time I'm going to kill myself.

But last night I did it I tied the noose, I got the blades. I was so close to doing it when I heard that familiar voice from the dream calling out to me. I stopped immediately and whent outside to see him.

"Dude are you ok?" james said whith heavy concern

"No"

"Well what are you doing, my guy?"

"..."

" what? You know you can tell me anything"

"Kill myself" I said it so quietly even a bat couldn't hear me

"WHY WHOULD YOU DO THAT DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT YOU" he screamed so loud my ears where about to bleed.

"I thought no one whuld care, that I would just die and everyone whuld be better off me not being here"

"Dude your my best friend what whuld I do without you my life wouldn't be better it would be one hundred million times worse, i love you man"

"Stop it I'm just a burden you just say you like me because you pitty me because of my mental instability"

"What are you talking about I don't pitty you, I whuld be your friend even if you didn't have a messed up noggin, I'm your friend because your fun to be around and your jokes may be shitty but your heart is huge"

At this point my face is wet with tears I didn't think about why people stayed whith me. Up until this point I thought of myself as a burden a thing people begrudgingly took on.but my best friend showed me the light.

That night we whent out whith my other friends to a bar to talk about how I felt. everyone gave me a hug and my one friend Cloe couldn't stop crying. She told me that she was always here and all of the said the same. Even Brock who didn't like me that much but I knew he cared all the same. We whent our separate ways and James and I went home.

"See"James said in a calming tone"everyone cares about you Jake, your not alone."

"Ok" I say meekly.

"And you need to remember your my friend for life so you can't get rid of me"

"Yeah... Man I'm tired, talking about your feelings is tough."

"Yeah but it's good everyone knows now."

"Yeah."

"Ya know what surprised me was even Brock cared, that guy is always so rude to you but tonight he showed his true colours."

"And what are his colours,so to speak?"

"That even though he is rude and plays pranks on you he still cares about you, your still his friend."

When I whent to sleep that night I had a different dream. it was me and my friends we where all gathered around the TV playing games drinking and having fun and out of the corner of my eye I saw Cloe.

She came up to me and told me about her feelings for me and how she cared for me alot. but the dream felt to real to be a figment of my imagination. It felt like the suicide dream, but it felt nice somehow

"Jake I know your going though alot but I just needed to tell you, and I know this is a bad time bu-"

"Don't worry I feel better than I have ever been in a while so what did you whant?"

"I kinda want to hangout just the two of us " She started to trail off.

I was so caught off guard that I couldn't speek.

"But you are going through a lot so..." Her expression changed"no this was stupid your not looking for a relationship after what happened ... But even still I want to be with you."

"It's alright maby in a couple of weeks we could go on a ..."I started to choke up like a school boy asking out his crush.

James interjected"A date!?! Well good luck buddy she's a keeper" he said whith a smile

"Shut up" I said whith a clear smile he could see.

Everyone gathered around gave me such a good feeling everyone in our apartment having a blast and I woke up.

I woke to James knocking on my door.

"Hey" James said "everyone is coming over tonight... Oh and I think Cloe said she had something to tell you, so make yourself presentable lil boy."

"Ok"