Night falls in the cabin. Falls. Like falling water.
All around me are sail bags, like bags of skin. I curl into a ball and think of something someone said to me once. In another time. On another sea. In the blink of an eye. Something about how you don't really notice the darkness, not until you're right in the thick of it. Not until the streetlights come on and you look around and think, Shit, it just got dark quick.
Just like that. Darkness is total. So black I can't tell if my eyes are open or shut. The moon blacked out. The stars a million miles away. So dark. That if it weren't for the steady rumble of the motor, I'd believe I were dead.
In this pocket of darkness, I can't see that the cabin is barely wider than my arms or that there's fishing gear piled against the wall. I can't see the folds in the sails. Or AJ's cum stain on the mattress. In this pocket of darkness. I'm as safe as dead.
***
Caught in the in-between, I imagine the earth is rocking. It's all back and forth, back and forth.
But now I'm coming to, and there's drool caked to my chin and fur on my teeth, and I'm peeling apart puffy eyelids to see the sun through a skylight that's only a few feet above my head. The sun is swinging back and forth in the sky and I realise the earth really is rocking. I prop myself up on one elbow. My head is pounding like someone's clobbered me with a brick. I look around and, as the room comes into focus, I wait for this all to make sense. But it doesn't. The walls are curved, and no wider than the bed—if you'd even call this a bed. I'm lying on a wafer-thin mattress, wedged between a huge canvas bag and a fishing rod. There's a weird thumping outside and, when I look up, the sun is still swinging. I feel a tightening in my chest, a fierce contraction of my ribcage, like my breath is caught and can't get out. Where the fuck am I?
I could be anywhere. Any time. Any sea.
But then I feel the wetness. And when I look down at the red mess between my legs, it all falls into place, all the pieces lining up in rows like fish scales.
There are no roses here. I'm on Poseidon.
There's a pain in my abdomen. I need to pee. I climb out of the bed. I can hear voices below deck. Cam and AJ. I pound the door with my fists. The voices quieten.
I stop hitting the door. Pause a moment. Listen.
'Just ignore her.'
'She's fucking crazy.'
I scream.
And then I collapse back into myself. Fish bladder emptying, soaking the mattress.
Maggie, I wish you'd told me. At sea, no one can hear you scream.