I turn up at Adam's house on Friday afternoon in loose trousers and a baggy jumper. I've got my period and my breasts are sore, so I'm wearing a sports bra for comfort.
The sun is setting over the harbour. The water is rippled orange. Adam is on his balcony with an open beer can on the table. When he sees me walk through the side gate onto the balcony, he says, 'The boys are all going to the pub.'
'I thought we were just going to chill and watch a movie.'
'Well, that was before I knew they were going to the pub.'
'I'm really tired,' I say.
'Liv, all my friends are going.'
And I want to say, My grandpa just died. It's been a hell of a week. I'm fucking exhausted. But I don't, because he's getting up from his chair, walking over to me. And kissing me. Kissing me. Kissing me. Kissing me. And then he's asking, 'Are you gonna wear that?'
***
I walk into the pub behind Adam. It smells of beer-sodden coasters and worn carpet. He orders me a glass of wine, even though I tell him I don't feel like drinking, then we carry our drinks over to a table where five guys in suits are sitting. Jake, a new friend of the group whom I've met at least three times, introduces himself to me.
'Nice to meet you,' he says.
'Yup,' I say, as Adam pulls out a seat for me. I sit down beside him, take a sip of wine.
Henry, the only one in the group who doesn't drink, says, 'Hey, Olivia. How are you?'
And when I say, 'Pretty tired, actually,' the conversation falls dead, so I perk up. 'But other than that, I'm good! How are you?'
'Yeah, great. Just started at Deutsche Bank. Tiring, but a lot of fun. Adam said you've got an internship at Lazard? That's unreal.'
'Yeah, thanks. I start next week.'
'Exciting.' He raises his soda. 'Cheers.' We clink glasses. I pretend to take a sip. And then Henry turns to Jake and they start talking about the shares Jake has just invested in. A big risk. Willing to lose. The pay-off would be huge.
After a while, my back starts to hurt. These stools are awfully uncomfortable.
'Don't you like the wine?' Adam says, slurring a little. The whisky on his breath is enough to make your eyes sting.
I shrug. And then I see Jake pass Adam something under the table. And it's not like this is new—but I'm tired. That whole body tired you get after spending too much time in the sun. And I just don't want to deal with a coked-up Adam telling me the same story again and again and again.
I'm sweaty, now. God, I'm sweaty. I'm burning up. Wearing this stupid jumper that I can't take off because all I've got on underneath is a fucking sports bra.
I get out my phone and text him. I swear to god, if that's what I think it is, I'm leaving.
His phone pings in his pocket. He whips it out. 'Oh look, I've got a text from Olivia. That's funny considering she's sitting right beside me.'
Jake laughs. 'Read it out!'
I hunch over, duck my head. Surely he won't.
He absolutely will.
'I swear to god, if that's what I think it is, I'm leaving,' Adam reads.
I raise my eyes, look at him.
He meets my gaze. 'Alright—piss off then.'
***
It's raining when I get out of the cab. Tears and sky mixing together on my cheeks. I get inside and find a notice taped to the door of the lift. Out of service. Management apologises for the inconvenience.
By the time I reach my apartment on the seventh floor, my thighs are burning. I unlock the door, walk in and lie down on the living room floor. Rolling onto my back, I wipe my eyes and then blow my nose on my jacket sleeve. Staring at the ceiling, I notice watermarks, like blooms of algae. I remember Maggie's words. The Coral Sea is magic in winter. I think of the ceiling becoming water. Raining down. Becoming a night sky, flecked with stars. How wide and open it must all feel. Up there, in a sea of coral flowers. How magic.
I get out my phone.
Mac picks up on the second ring.
'It's Oli,' I say. 'I've changed my mind. Can I still come with you to the Coral Sea?'
'Wouldn't have it any other way.'