Trudy's POV
I woke up feeling like my head was run over by a truck. It hurt so bad that I wanted to bang it on the wall. I sat up, feeling more tired than usual and tried to open my eyes. Heather probably closed all the curtains as it looked dark inside the apartment. I scanned the room for her and find it empty. I wonder where she went and where did she put the letter?
Knowing Heather, she would definitely get rid of anything that will remind me of James. I knew she threw the bouquet of roses last night as I didn't find them when I woke up this morning. I was just thankful she gave me a pill last night so I can sleep better, otherwise I would be weeping so much and probably woke up all the neighbors.
This morning, the moment I saw James' letter spread out on the coffee table, my eyes couldn't stop the tears. All the pain and memories we had just flashed before me and I imagined him with my cousin, Eunice. Oh Eunice! She is like a sister to me and yet, she chose to betray me.
I wonder what James liked about her. Is it the face, since she got a smaller round face than mine? She actually looks like a barbie doll with blonde hair, blue eyes and small plump lips. A perfect slender body with a small waist and thighs. I could not help but compare myself to her. Am I boring? Did I not satisfy him in bed? Was I a bad kisser? Was it my boobs? Was it too big for him? All these thoughts just made me hate them more.
We were together for five years. Five years! In just a matter of months, he just threw them all away like it was nothing... like it didn't exist. There is no amount of apology could ever surpass the pain they have caused me. I would probably understand it if it was another woman but with my cousin, why?
What did I do wrong? Is there something I missed during the years we were together? I thought we clicked. The first time I met him, I knew I liked him a lot. His muscular built, perfect white teeth, brown eyes and black hair were some of the things that attracted me to him. His thoughtfulness, remembering every little detail about me, what I love and hate, was what made me fall in love with him.
"You're blinded by love," Heather told me last night." James probably was cheating on you for the past few months and yet you were so focused on pursuing the wedding, you didn't even notice that he is going further away from you."
Was it really inevitable? I thought we were perfect for each other. He loves sushi and I do, too. We love the same flavor of ice cream and we love to watch horror movies. I knew we were so in love and nothing could break it, or did it?
Eunice helped me throughout the preparations of my wedding. It took us almost a whole year to prepare. She was always there and she had done her duty as my maid of honor. I never saw the signs. I think it was only three months ago that I have noticed that James become a bit uninterested. We would look for wedding rings and I would often see him texting, bothered and irritated. Every time I ask him about it, he would just dismiss it.
"So what do you think? Titanium or-"
"Whatever you like, Babe. Whatever. I just need to take this phone call," I remembered him say and walked out of the store. I ended up buying the gold rings.
"Is everything, okay, James?" I asked, concerned. I have never seen him so bothered before to the point that he is out of focus. We have been planning this wedding since he proposed and never had I seen him looked like this.
"Yeah. Of course. It's David. I just need to go back to the office this afternoon," he said.
"Okay. Do you want us to have lunch first then-"
"No, no. I really need to come back as soon as I can."
"Okay," I said and I went home that afternoon not thinking of anything else.
I am not a very argumentative person. I guessed that is why my relationship with James worked for two years because we never argued. I tried to be patient with him and always trying to understand him. We never had a fight and if we do get to the point where we're both about to explode, I am always the first one to apologize and we would often go for ice cream or movies together, forgetting what we were mad about. We had happy moments together... too happy that it was surreal.
She filled the void I have been looking for all my life... James wrote.
How can someone fill the void in your life in just a few months? How 'bout us? What about us? Why does he waited two years to tell me these? I don't understand it.
My stomach suddenly growled. My head still throbs. I looked at the time on my phone and I stopped. James is still on my phone's wallpaper. It was a photo that I took candidly when we were at Niagara Falls. He was wearing a Ray-Ban sunglasses which I gave the Christmas before. He looked so happy. Tears fell down on my cheeks once again.
Why does love have to be so painful? I thought love was supposed to make you feel high and alive. That it just fills everything I have been lacking in my life. But I guess, that's not who I am to him. Eunice filled up the void on James' heart that I cannot fill in for him.
That's it! I'm done.
I am determined to do this. I don't want to feel the pain anymore. I just want to end it right there and then. I am truly done and there is only one way to do it. So, I stood up and went straight to the kitchen. I took a chef's knife and looked at it. Touch it with my finger. This will definitely do the job. It will be quick. It will be messy but at least, very swift.
I started opening my bedroom door. My bed has a flowery bedsheet with two standard pillows and three decorative pillows wherein my most hated human being in the whole universe was plastered on, James "The F-" Rodriguez. The cheater. The two-timing prick.
My eyes narrowed as I eyed my target. His perfectly white teeth were so shiny on the pillows I want to take them all out one by one. Murder is on my mind and I contemplated everything on what I am going to do. I held the knife in my hand, clasping the handle angrily, ready to attack them. I started walking towards them, slowly, strategically, just like the scenes in the horror movies I watch, wherein the victim is unaware that a murderer is there. I raised my knife, screaming at the top of my lungs, ready to lunge at it when the front door opened.
"Trudy, nooooo!!! Stop!" and a hand stopped my arm. "This is not the solution."
"Let go of my hand, Heather! I need to do this!" I growled, my eyes were full of anger.
"Are you crazy?! It's not worth it," she said as she kept wrestling with my arm.
"Oh yes it is! I need to do this."
"I won't let you end your life-"
"Wait, what?!" My eyebrows furrowed and I put down my arm. I straightened and looked at her confused.
I heard Heather heaved a sigh of relief.
"Thank goodness! You scared me."
"Do you really think I would...."and I laughed hysterically thinking about it.
Heather pushed me and pouted.
"What the hell are you laughing at? I almost had a heart attack and you think it was a joke?," she said. "What were you thinking then, huh?"
"What do you think I would do? Kill myself? C'mon, Heather! I'm not that stupid."
"How would I know? I came out for a minute to grab us some dinner and here you are holding a knife, screaming as you do it. What do you want me to think, huh? After all your crying since last night, I just can't even leave you for a minute because I am so worried," she said and went to the kitchen angrily. She took the plastic bag that she probably dropped when she tried to stop me.
She didn't speak for awhile. Her thin eyebrows furrowed as she continued to take out the food from the plastic bag. I have known Heather for more than five years and I knew she really meant what she said awhile ago. She was worried about me.
"You're like a sister to me, Trudy, and I won't ever let anyone hurt you or any of our friends, even yourself," she once told me when we were in college.
Heather has always been the feisty one in our group. I guess it's because she grew up with having three brothers that she eventually took their characters. She never let anyone mess with her, even Tom. When she learned about Tom, I have never seen her cry like I did. Maybe she did when she was alone, that I am not sure. But I knew she got over it faster than I thought.
After her relationship with Tom ended, I have never seen her dated any man anymore. I guess, she kind of scared them away somehow, by the way she acted, but nonetheless, I sometimes wonder how a beautiful woman like her would not let herself fall in love again. Or maybe, she just doesn't want to let anyone in just yet.
I have read some of her stories and she has based most of the female protagonists on her looks. Same wavy mahogany hair, hazel eyes and slightly thin lips that was either a warrior princess or a detective in her story. Sometimes I wonder how she was able to write about romance when hers is non-existent as of now. It just amazes me how her mind works especially the sex scenes.
"Hey! I'm sorry," I said as I sat on one of the stools by the kitchen island. She looked up to me and gave me the bento box. I smiled as I happily took it with the plastic utensils and a can of soda.
"Don't you ever do it again. Whatever happens, don't you ever attempt anything you will regret forever," she warned me.
I nodded. Heather believed in life in eternity. She believes that when a person kills himself, he will definitely go to hell. To her, life is so important that we need to live it accordingly and never let it go to waste by committing suicide. With that, I love her. She was always protective of me even with Jane.
"So what were you doing with that knife by the way?" she said as she sat in front of me, digging into her bento box that consists of rice, beef teriyaki, sushi and mixed vegetables. She ordered the same for me as always.
The knife rests beside my bento box as I ate my dinner.
"Well," I said while chewing on the beef. "Since I can't literally do any harm with James, I decided to put my frustrations and anger in his perfectly plastered face that were on my pillows by stabbing them one by one."
"I see. Good riddance then. I hate those pillows. I don't know why you even have them in the first place. Sometimes, I felt like you're a serial killer secretly stalking him. You got a lot of his face in your room, to be honest, like he was some god. You were obsessed."
"Hey! That's not true. I got some of mine too... with him. But what can I do? I love him."
"Yeah. You love him too much you scared him away. You do everything for him. Isn't it that you almost named your bakery as James' Goodies instead of what it is called now? If we haven't convinced you, one of our problems right now would be renaming it. He didn't even have an investment in it except being in the pictures with you which by the way we have to take down by tomorrow."
"But I got the inspiration from him. Remember the first time I tried to sell those cupcakes in college, he gave me a really good review. He said those were the best cupcakes he ever ate. That's why I decided to take some online classes for baking and got my certificate, aside from graduating with business management."
"Whatever you did, that was all you. Yes, he might have inspired you but without your hard work, you would never achieved what you have now. You're only twenty-five and you have your own bakery while he has nothing. He has not even reached the highest position in the company he is working in and you are already a business owner."
"Maybe that's why it scared him away... he might have felt he can't keep up. He thought that maybe... he just needed someone simple. Like Eunice..."
Or maybe someone younger... a virgin... innocent looking.
I started playing with my food. Somehow I suddenly loss my appetite thinking about James. Have I let him feel that he is not included in our dreams? Have I made him secondary? Am I too much for him?
"Hey!" Heather held my hand. "It's not your fault, okay. If he really loves you, he should not have been intimidated by how succesful you are. He should have supported you all the way and not envy your success. You don't need a guy like him. It's a good thing you saw who he is now rather than regret it when you were already married."
I smiled. Heather was right. It's not my fault. He was not ready to be my partner and I don't need a man like him... or any man for that matter for now. I can do it all on my own.
"Heather, we need to do something," I said with determination. "I need you to do this with me."
"Okay, game. What is it?"
"Grab one of the knives."
She nodded and she took a pairing knife with her, as I grabbed the chef's knife beside me, and we went to my bedroom. I opened my closet door and took out a whole box of letters and photo albums that James and I had. I placed it on my bed.
"Ohmigod! I didn't realize you have a whole bunch of crap in that box," Heather said, her eyes were wide in amazement.
"Yes, that's why I need your help to dispose them. But first, we will start with this," and I pointed at the three pillows on my bed.
"With pleasure, my friend," she said and grabbed one of the pillows and ripped it off. The feathers flew everywhere as she continued stabbing it until it looked like tattered pieces of cloth on the floor.
I grabbed another one and stabbed it several times until all the stuffings and feathers came out. Soon, my whole floor was filled with white stuff.
"How 'bout this?" she said pointing at the Tweety Bird stuffed toy sitting on top of my desk beside the bed. Its eyes were full of cheeriness and I remembered how happy I am when James got it for me on our first anniversary.
"No," I replied sternly.
"But James gave it to you."
"I said, no. Don't you dare Heather or I'll kill Snoopy." I was referring to his big stuffed white beagle sitting on her bed that her brothers gave to her in college.
She gasped and narrowed her eyes at me. "You wouldn't."
"Oh, you know I would."
"Very well then. I'll leave Tweety alone for now but please, promise me, when you get a replacement for this, then you will let me murder it, okay."
I smiled and vowed that I will be the first one to slit its throat and take all its stuffings and threw it in the garbage shoot once my heart is finally healed.