It only takes a moment, a person, a place to change your life forever, to give you a new perspective and to color your thoughts. I was happy, but just when I began to believe that happier than that ... the universe threw me a curveball. It's been two months, yet I still feel that pain nestled inside me. It is impossible to breathe and I try, in vain, desperately to escape. This devastating feeling cannot be avoided or canceled.
Suffering takes you into the darkness of the abyss. You lack air, you can't breathe, you no longer have the ground under your feet and everything disappears except that pain that literally shatters the heart into a thousand pieces. He was no longer there. Eric: my everything, the love of my life, my best friend, my husband ... he was gone. You can't get over all this, not until a few months ago people laughed, joked and promised each other love.
Pain hits you when you least expect it: a slight twinge and a feeling of dispersion that comes and goes. And then there is the suffering that you cannot ignore, so great that it erases all your thoughts and makes the rest of the world disappear. The pain numbs you, we have to wait for it to go away, hope it disappears by itself, hope the wound heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You have to take a deep breath and wait for the pain to hide somewhere, because the truth is we can't live with it, even if it's the best way to deal with it. [1]
I am tired, exhausted and imprisoned in this atrocious evil: whatever I do cannot be controlled, any way I find to escape from reality everything brings me back to him, it leads me back to that feeling of emptiness, to death that grips me depriving me of my essence. Like today, like yesterday, like months ago the cold devours me and the pain takes a small part of me every day.
According to Elizabeth Kübler Ross when we are about to die or have suffered a dramatic loss, we all go through five different stages of grief. There is the rejection phase because the loss is so unthinkable that we cannot believe it is real. Anger explodes against everyone, against those who survive, anger against ourselves; then we negotiate. Let's pray. We beg. We offer everything we have, we offer our soul in exchange for even one more day. When the plea bargain fails and it is too difficult to contain the anger, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we admit that we have done everything possible and we give up. So we come to acceptance. [2]
I went through all the phases in different ways and I'm still working on the last one. I had to hurry. Even though the pain was so strong and constant, I had to recover. It took more time but I had to think about her, about that little being that I carry within her and that must be protected from the cruelty of life. They say that time is a precious asset that is given to us, so how is it possible that it passes so quickly? How can a person improve, grow, be happy if that thread breaks? We spend our whole life planning for the future as if this could help us; however, every time we think we know him, even for just a minute, the future changes.
"Today
A bit like yesterday,
Thoughts of rope
They twist around the heart.
I need to understand
Without fear or tremble "
Light filters through the curtains illuminating the room; I close my eyes, thoughts change constantly, images follow one another quickly and bring me back to Eric. I look down and let myself go. I find myself reliving that wonderful moment and instinctively I put a hand on my stomach.
"Good morning princesses" Eric whispers softly in my ear, wrapping his mighty arms around my waist.
I turn to that melodious sound and see his face illuminated by the sun, his smile warming mine and the perfection of that moment. Although being a soldier often took him away from home, he had never left me alone, he had been beside me in every important step. Suddenly, as soon as our lips touch, a kick hits me in the lower abdomen, then another and another: someone was demanding our attention. He pulls the covers aside, lowers himself to the level of my belly and starts talking to her, making raspberries in a honeyed voice and small circles with his fingers. My little pest was organizing a football championship and didn't want to stop. Eric puts his hand on his stomach once again, looks at me and smiles.
"Dad's coming back, honey," he tells her just before getting up.
He returns shortly after holding a pair of big red headphones and an mp3 player of the same color. I arrange the pillow better, put myself in a more comfortable position and smile.
"Don't laugh," he jokingly scolds me, raising his hand to my mouth.
"If we find ourselves like this, it's only your fault," he says seriously but happy at the same time; he puts the headphones on my belly and hits play.
The song spreads in the air and on the notes of "Celeste" the little girl calms down. I raise my eyes to her face full of love: my refuge, my safe place is there, in that gaze in which I lose myself.
«I can already see it with your own eyes, your dimples and your way of doing».
"And I will love you as happens in fairy tales forever. And I will wait for you without leaving "intones the song, leaving me amazed and excited.
"What's up? After ten years of being together, does it really surprise you that I know and sing her songs? " he asks me innocently, raising his eyebrows and smiling at me.
"He must not. Laura Pausini has become our guide, in every happy moment she lived with you there was a song of her in the background and if I also considered all the concerts you dragged me to I would say that ... it's not really that strange. Now our whole life is surrounded by her music and now, thanks to you, even our unborn daughter is crazy about her ».
I smile for the magic of the moment, for those true and sincere words, for her unconditional love for her and I let the little gestures speak for her.
Her voice fills me with joy but exactly a moment later she devastates me. I just want to be able to see and hug him one last time. I feel a heavy head, muffled breathing and that wave of pain that has been with me for months now. The worst time is in the morning: you wake up and still confused you can believe that you had a bad dream. Instead, you reach out and feel the cold, the emptiness, you turn around and see that everything has remained exactly as it was last time.
It's all true. The pain is still there and at the same time it arrives, you are also overwhelmed by nausea and vomiting: my usual routine for six months now. I get up quickly, at least as much as I can, go to the bathroom, take a deep breath and let the warmth of that memory spread through me. I quickly prepare myself until I stay a few minutes in the mirror to admire the figure of a pregnant woman who no longer looks like me and who I struggle to recognize.
I, Emily Lewis, was the happiest and luckiest woman in the world, with a husband and a life that everyone envied while, now, none of this is left to me. From the strong and courageous woman that I was, I find myself lost, devoid of energy and dull. All I see are my swollen eyes and marked dark circles, a battered look and a destroyed life; however, at the bottom of this dark tunnel, there is a light, a dim spark that shines. I brush my long black hair, put on a little makeup and here I am ready for another day in kindergarten. Being a teacher was what I always dreamed of: since I was a child I loved children and I loved spending time with them; now, however, despite being a job that I love, it has become cramped because it brings me into close contact with my parents and… thinking that my daughter has been taken away this possibility devastates me.
Suddenly, the doorbell rings and ... I feel the air fail, my heartbeat seems to slow down and for a moment my mind goes back in time.
It is impossible to explain the panic that assails you every time the doorbell rings: if you are the wife of a military man and do not wait for visits, you always think the worst. It was a quiet Sunday morning, but as soon as I look at the door, a shiver runs down my spine as I had a feeling that something bad was about to happen. The confirmation comes at the exact moment I open the door and on the doorstep I find Colonel John Booker and Lieutenant Peter King, as well as my husband's best friend.
The heart starts beating, the mind is paralyzed and the fingers are numb.
I scream without realizing it and immediately put a hand on my heart while in an instant my world falls apart: in that precise moment I stop existing. Everything around me turns black and starts spinning, I feel the earth under my feet miss me. I don't see anything, but suddenly I feel two strong arms supporting me, grabbing me strongly and reclining on the sofa. In the distance I hear their alarmed and worried voices, I hear the hustle and bustle of some door being closed, the roar of water and a strong perfume pinch my nostrils.
I don't want to wake up. I want to stay in this state of painful bliss, I can't hear those words.
I can't open my eyes and let reality come into my life like a bolt of lightning, burning everything it touches.
A very strong light blinds me and as if by magic he appears, my husband: Lieutenant Eric Lopez in all his beauty.
I squint my eyes and his image becomes clearer: he wears his uniform and carries the medals that have been awarded to him with honor. His face is tired, red and marred by the wind and the scorching heat of the sun, but he irremediably always has his wonderful smile.
He steps towards me, slowly, taking small steps in his 1.90 stature, with his raven black hair tousled and sunglasses on his head. As soon as he is close enough I reach out and gently touch his face and a feeling of home pervades me.
He always emanates the same glow of peace and tranquility, I feel his arms wrap and hold me tightly, causing in me a sense of sweetness and, at the same time, devastation.
«Quiet my love, everything is fine. You can do it, fear not. You are not alone and I will not leave you »he whispers in a faint voice near my ear.
Those words echo in my mind as soft tears roll down my face. And just as it appeared it vanishes and with it the beat of my heart also fades.
Suddenly I feel a small twinge in my lower abdomen, just enough to shake me and make me realize I'm not alone. I don't even know how long it had been, I just know that my eyes slowly returned to see the light.
I was in a state of shock, shaken and disoriented; I was trying to defend myself and survive, but denying reality wouldn't have helped. Tears still wet my face, my breath is choked in my throat and my eyes burn but I don't care. Even if I can barely follow what they say, since my mind only hears "I'm sorry, Eric ... he didn't do it", I want to know.
"How-how-how did it happen?" I stammer in a low voice, clench my teeth until my jaw hurts.
The colonel looks me in the eye, begins to speak with his hands clasped in his lap, shoulders stretched, and then gives Peter a pleading and helpful look. He comes over, takes my hands in him and tells me what happened that damn day.
There are no questions or answers that could have filled the void that was created inside me, knowing that the culprit had been killed did not give me comfort because this could not have brought him back.
Eric Lopez was a hero, my hero, but he had left me after all.
What remained was the silence, that silence that makes so much noise when the heart is empty and the head is full.
"And you come
What do you pass
The fear of falling "
And so I let myself be lulled by those words that bring me back to reality and that give me the necessary strength to keep fighting.
I just have time to get to the entrance when Peter is already holding my coat and bag, ready to accompany me to work. I was running around in my baby bump and maternity clothes that made me look like a hot air balloon and he, standing in front of the door with his blue eyes, brown hair and wearing jeans and a sweater, looked like something out of a magazine. fashion. I can't even say how long we have been friends, I just know that he was present at all our most important moments and now, he continues to be close to me, even if the pain that could be read in his eyes was comparable to mine.
I had lost my husband, the love of my life, while Peter ... well, he had lost his best friend, his brother. I still remember the day they enlisted together, the day they received medals for an undercover mission where they were about to risk their lives. They had never separated and to him we were his family, all he had. Now we were experiencing the same pain and sharing it was the only thing that did us good, even if he only removed for a minute that incessant feeling of loss that was becoming part of us. Everyone was close to me and although they did their best, they couldn't drive out the demons that tortured me, sometimes not even Peter could; however, he could understand me better than anyone else, he who had seen Eric kill in front of him without being able to do anything.
We try to protect ourselves with all our strength, but it makes no difference because when bad things come, they come out of nowhere. [3]
I was very tired: I had swollen feet, back pain and a nausea that that day was more insistent than usual. Jodi had driven me home because we were out late from school and she didn't want me to walk back, even though I lived nearby. The only thing I wanted to do, as soon as I arrived, was to throw myself on the sofa, relax and enjoy a nice cup of fruit ice cream; instead, it was quite the opposite.
As soon as I crossed the threshold, a sweet and spicy perfume arrived and shortly after I saw Peter appear, wearing an apron that was definitely not suitable for him; he said: "I'm the most beautiful and sexy woman in the world", a gift from Eric.
"Hey! Hello, Ems "he shouts from the kitchen, placing the last plate on the table and coming towards me to remove the bag from my hands and my coat.
"Hey ... Peter what are you doing here?" I ask again surprised, unable to hide a smile for his clothing.
"You should have eaten something," he replies, giving me a wink and moving the chair to accommodate me.
He had prepared all my favorite dishes or at least the ones I could eat when pregnant. I was surprised. We don't usually talk much and we try to never fall into Eric's minefield anyway, but it's inevitable. Whenever we are together we end up talking about him: we tell each other some funny moments or times when he got into trouble and, sometimes, Peter tells me about when they were in the army.
"Come on, I'll help you," I say, getting up from my chair and taking the dirty dishes, but he jumps over to me and takes them out of my hands.
"You, your baby bump and this little girl have to go sit on the sofa to relax," he says seriously, gently pushing me towards the living room.
"I arrange and do the dishes. You turn on the TV and relax. Besides, isn't tonight the program with your favorite singer? " he asks me nonchalantly as I open my mouth in amazement.
"And how do you know?"
"Because Eric always told me about it. And don't forget you dragged me to his shows too. We have all become addicted to Pausini, "he says, making fun of me and making me laugh too.
The moment I sit on the sofa, from the strong woman I felt for a few minutes, I become Eric Lopez's pregnant widow.
Just a sentence, a song and everything collapses again, my eyes become bright and so, in no time at all, I am catapulted out of reality in a time when I was happy and believed that everything was possible.
«Honey, please, don't let me see" The Pages of Our Lives "for the thousandth time» says Eric from the kitchen, snorting while I get comfortable on the sofa, turn on the TV and insert the DVD.
"Here, I knew it," he argues, rolling his eyes and raising his arms in the air and then letting them fall on his hips in a theatrical way.
He arrives anyway with a nice cup of strawberry ice cream, he kisses me on the forehead and dives on the sofa, snuggling next to me. It is these little things that I miss when he is away, but it is also true that they are the very same things that make him so ... him, my wonderful husband.
"Oh ... Oh ..." he exclaims, feeling pains in my stomach; I immediately approach my hand and here comes another one.
Eric is so caught up in the film that he doesn't notice it, I take his hand and place it on his stomach and a moment later there's another kick.
"But ... are you our daughter?" he asks me moved, but I can't answer him so I approach him and kiss him.
"We have to choose a name," I say, breaking away from his sweet lips.
"Yes, as if I had the right to speak," he says, raising his eyebrows and glaring at me.
I laugh at his funny expression and when I turn to the TV, he pinches me and I tickle me and we continue like this for a few minutes. He locks my hands, draws my face close to him and starts kissing me.
"We know we will call her Laura," he says without letting me reply. We settle down: my head on his legs and his hand on my belly.
"Really Eric, I'm serious. Tell me a name you like. '
He thinks about it for a while and leaves me there, on my toes thinking about what name he will propose.
"Ok ... ok ... I like the name Celeste," he admits in a whisper that I can hardly hear.
"I like it," I exclaim joyfully, but I don't have time to finish him interrupting me.
"But we'll call her Laura anyway" at the end he continues smiling at me, taking my hands and kissing every finger, then he lingers on my lips to end up on my belly.
Happiness, love, joy was all I felt and I wanted nothing more.
Here my mind was betraying me again and I felt the rest of the world collapse on me once again. I hadn't even noticed that Peter was sitting next to me and I had inadvertently taken his hand. Memories of a past life, unspoken words, shed tears and deep pain: it was all I had left of him. I try to chase back the tears that are pressing so hard to get out, but as soon as Laura's voice is heard singing from the TV, everything fades. I feel a warm hand brush my face and dry my tears.
"I promised him I'd take care of you."
And then, it all happened quickly. The heat came closer and suddenly a kiss: sweet, slow and delicate. As soon as he opened his eyes the moment broke: I immediately put my hands to my mouth, Peter widened his eyes in embarrassment, got up quickly, took his jacket and disappeared without even an apology, an explanation or an "I'm sorry".
Guilty, that's how I felt: for what I didn't say, for what I did and for what I should have done. I could not change the situation and that devastated me: even if it was only a moment of weakness, it had changed everything.
It's been a few minutes, not long, but enough time for the tears to flow down my face, burn my eyes and grip my heart.
It was all wrong. A moment, it took a moment to shatter my world, once again.
Author's space:
Hello everyone =)
You find me here again with a new original story, it seems that I got a little carried away, even if I was the same one who said I would never write an original yet here I am = D.
Believe me it still sounds weird ^ _ ^
This story was written for "ALLEY'S AWARDS FOR YOUR ONE-SHOT" contest organized by Down Hanna's Ally
Before saying more I want to clarify three things:
The songs featured here as I said are by Laura Pausini and are "The right side of the heart" and "Like"
In addition, the sentences that have the number next to them are quotes from Grey's Anatomy, if I remember correctly from 2x05, 6x01 and 9x23.
And the title I put is the same as the song by The Smiths that I recommend everyone to listen to and read the text, for those who want here is the link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRtW1MAZ32M.
This story was born a little by chance, I had already signed up but I had no idea. But one day while I was listening to Celeste di Laura, my favorite singer, if I still didn't understand this story came to my mind and I had to write to it, I couldn't do otherwise. The story I tell is an invented story but it is a bit as if I saw myself again: I want to become a mother, I have always had this desire, I love children and in another life I would have liked to be a kindergarten teacher and then I would like a husband to support my passions and in this case Pausini. I know, I daydream too much, but what's wrong? XD
I also talked a lot, but I care about this story and a lot and therefore I would like to read your opinions, to know what you think.
Finally, I want and have to thank my cousin Vivana for being the first to read it and give me the advice the story needed.
Finally, thanks to those who will read it.
To the next chapter =)