I couldn't wait any longer, this news was going to burn through my tongue like acid if I kept it to myself much longer, and I need my tongue for oh so many reasons! The main one of course being for communication purposes, absolutely, no question .... and it is my most valuable work tool of course, buuuuut..... after that there is obviously kissing..... tasting, mmmmmm .....licking....... I couldn't contain myself. I was so full of excitement. I phoned them at 06:30!
In hindsight my deliberate and wholly affected gruff and clipped tone, at odds with my elated emotional state, was a mistake. They arrive still in their sleepwear within 10 minutes, wild haired and bleary eyed after our previous late night, and now my early morning phone call. They were panicked by my words during that call...
"Shay? Good morning. Your mother and I have news. Important news that should not be shared over a phone call, but in person. You and Bo will come for breakfast please? Yes..... today! As soon as possible!"
..... it never entered my head that their first consideration would be that we had news on either my case of killing Shaun, or in Jays case!!
I open the door and they both push into the house and immediately Shay asks "What's wrong? Where's mum?"
I re-assure him she is fine as Bo is calling out to her mother as she further enters the hallway. Realisation hits, I have terrified them. Although using plain and innocuous language and a fake irritated tone that was clearly better than I imagined it to be, I have managed to convey urgency and panic which was not my intention, it was intended to conceal my utter happiness. I'd stake everything I have on the fact that they would hear the smile on my lips if I hadn't acted my socks off!
GUILT hits hard at this epiphany.
What a fucker of a vacuous emotion guilt is. What is its purpose anyway?
My Definition of guilt:
'Being permanently and continuously locked in a state of self punishment for your own perceived failings, and suffering in any number of ways including but not limited to, possible struggles with drug and alcohol abuse, inability to form lasting and meaningful bonds for fear of hurting people or yourself, self isolation and deliberately pushing others away to protect them from your damaged and broken psyche.
Constructing defensive barriers that appear aggressive, cold and hard, for the same purpose...to prevent others from wanting to get close to you.
All ploys utilised by me, weapons to allow me to self flagellate. To punish myself and to prevent me bringing hurt to others, but also because closeness, love, happiness and companionship have always been my Mecca and i don't feel i deserve them, so I don't allow people to get close to me. Offensive defence!
That is me. That WAS me. I have learned to trust others, and am working on opening up
The guilt I feel at their current anxiety levels pales into insignificance against the guilt I have felt for my entire life though.
I carry with me daily the guilt of being the reason my parents marriage broke down. Guilt that her need for me, for any child, her need to be a mother, was the reason she chose to desert her relationship with 'Jay'.
"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean for you to rush over in such a hurry, there is no bad news, no updates on any of the legal matters. Forgive me for scaring you both" I say as Bo returns from the kitchen clutching Kenzies arm, a relieved smile on her pretty face. A smile I notice on Shay also when he sees his mum.
We sit them down in front of a huge pile of French toast and eggs Benedict, also known as their 'special occasion' breakfast.
I sit next to Kenzie, my hand supportively resting on her thigh under the table, opposite to the kids, who are both eyeing us with concern and confusion. Kenzie looks like she is about to vomit and I am grinning from ear to ear. Everyone who knows me found out pretty rapidly that the words 'happy, early and Yoongi' do NOT go well together, so I understand their confusion and suspicion.
"What's going on mum?" Bo enquires whilst scrutinising her mother's face with a concerned frown. "You don't look well at all" she continues.
Shay is silently waiting for our news, but has also been assessing his mother's demeanour, pallor and nervous twitching while she searches for the right words to use.
This seemingly eternal silence is killing me. My head aches with the pressure of the contained excitement I feel, I'm certain my tongue is beginning to swell taking up too much of my mouth and making it hard to breathe. My stomach is bubbling and I cannot keep still, I'm bouncing around in my seat like a bored toddler on a long haul flight.
"We're having babies! 2 babies. We're going to be parents!" I impatiently blurt, instantly regretting stealing this moment from Kenzie, but she doesn't seem to mind, infact she seems relieved.
Both just stare for a few seconds then Bo can't contain her emotions any longer and gives us a full and loud rendition of that young persons life tune 'Oh my God' on repeat, becoming progressively louder and more shrill with each word. She cannot keep from jumping up and down, flapping her arms as if she were a penguin trying to take flight.
Shay just claps me on the back hard enough to put a dent in my body, raises his fist in front of his face and shouts "Yeeeeahhhhh!! Way to go mate... buns in the oven! That's sick!"
I'm not quite sure what any of that means but I presume it is good as he is smiling and hugs Kenzie so tight I worry he will hurt the babies. Kenzie calms me, reassuring me that they are probably kicking one another all day long anyway.
Bo and Kenzie are jumping up and down in the middle of the kitchen, still yelling as a herd of zombies come into the room rubbing their eyes and scratching their heads. I only now remember that it's ridiculously early!
"What is going on in here? Why all the noise so early?" asks Hobi sleepily while the rest of my friends yawn and stretch.
When Kenzie tells them our news the noise level increases one hundred fold!
The next four months swiftly pass by. Kenzie blooms, she is no longer vomitting and has gained 9kg so far. I am far happier about that than she is! Her hair is shiny and bouncy, her skin smooth. She really is glowing, and has never been more beautiful to me.
She cries sometimes, complaining about her aches, her sore feet, her heavy boobs. I for one am pretty happy about that change!
Her tummy is so big now she really struggles to do much before her back aches. She can't get comfortable and isn't sleeping very well. I have lost count of the number of warm bubble baths I have run, and the number of back rubs I've given.
I have some promotional work to do during this time so I spend 3 weeks away from home. Travel has never bothered me before now as I've never had anything or anyone to miss but this trip kills me. I miss my nightly conversations with the twins, laughing when they kick Kenzie, letting me know it's time to shut up. They kick very regularly!
We now refer to them as 'The Mini Mins' after Pippi christened them such when she heard our news.
Life is wonderful.