As I re-enter the bedroom to get dressed I notice Yoongi in the lounge dishing food into bowls. A bottle of wine and glasses, and various soft drinks are also on the table.
"Sit down and eat" he indicates a space on the floor beside him, patting the cushion he has placed there for me sit sit on.
"I'll get dressed first" I reply, but he shakes his head and firmly says "No, you won't..... you will sit here and you will eat, now.... no arguments"
He hands me a bowl and again pats the pillow beside him.
I sigh.....and sit. Men! Why are they all so god damn bossy?
He offers me a spoon which I accept with a nod of thanks, then I look into my bowl. The beautifully presented dish belongs in a 5star restaurant. It does not look like it was served up on a lounge floor by a pop star to a woman in a bathrobe and slippers!! The food smells fantastic, and my stomach chooses that exact moment to gurgle loudly, reminding me that I am infact ravenously hungry!
I fill my spoon and lift it into my mouth.
Amazing!
I concentrate on eating as much as possible as quickly as I can. The hole in my stomach seeming to get bigger with every mouthful, rather than smaller.
After I have eaten half of my food I look up to find Yoongi sitting, elbows on the table, balancing his chin on his clasped hands, watching me eat.
I quickly put down my spoon and reach for a napkin. How embarrassing!!
He hasn't eaten a thing, and I've got a half empty bowl. What a hog!
"I'm sorry, it's just so delicious" I say, licking my lips, then wiping the corners with the napkin, which I then place on the table.
"You must think I'm a mannerless hog for eating so much, and so quickly"
He blinks at me, and a look of confusion settles on his face.
"A what? A Hog? What is this?" he questions.
"Sorry, I forgot that you are Korean because you speak English so well" I say
"A hog is a pig.... erm..... Dwaeji gogi?! Is that how you say it?"
I wrinkle my nose and make a small snorting sound to demonstrate my point.
Yoongi bursts into laughter. Proper, deep belly laughter! He slaps his knees, then covers his mouth with one hand, tears starting to roll down his cheeks.
Ok Mr I think, my Korean is near non existent, but I tried. I poke my tongue out at him and pull an overly exaggerated sad face, feigning offence at his laughter.
He laughs harder, then holds up his hands in a gesture of surrender as I threaten to throw my spoon at him! I'm not offended really, but this is actually fun and I grin back at him.
Mealtimes have not been fun for me for quite a few years for a number of reasons.
If we are dining out it's usually with Shauns clients and their staff, and he says that it is not becoming for a woman to be seen eating more than a few small mouthfuls at any meal. I have spent countless hours sitting in silence in some of the finest restaurants around the world, listening to boring business conversations, trying not to vomit into my own lap whilst trying to ignore the hand of yet another letchy associate of Shauns grope my thigh, watching everyone around me eating the delicious smelling food.
If we are eating at home Shaun allows me a few mouthfuls more than when we are out, but still restricts how much I can eat, telling me how fat I am becoming, and how ashamed he is to have to introduce me as his wife. This then becomes a jumping off point for him to vent his frustrations and fury on me. Mainly verbal abuse to begin with. I am told in great detail all my flaws, as he sees them. It's a long list!
Often it will end at this point, with Shaun usually throwing my plate across the room to illustrate his disgust in me. Sometimes however his rage just increases ten fold, and whatever I say to placate him is wrong. If I disagree with his comments he hits me for disrespecting him, and if I agree with him he hits me for patronising him! I can't win when he is like that, which is honestly most days, and just have to endure what's coming.
The worst times are when he throws me down and violently rapes me, to prove his full and total dominance over me, vile names spewing from his mouth while he violates my body. There is no love there, no desire or passion. I used to fight him, which he enjoyed far too much, so I learned to lay still and accept my fate. Shaun uses sex as a weapon against me. I'd rather he'd just use a gun and be done with it, but I guess there's no fun in that for him is there?!
I snap out of my thoughts and laugh nervously.
Yoongi takes my left hand and kisses my palm. Continuing to hold my hand in his he says,
" You are not a hog, I think it's good you are eating. You are far too thin, your ribs are visible. That should not be! Women should have curves, you do not. Your Korean was almost right. I would have known what you meant without the impression of a pig, but it was damn cute, and very funny"
This surprised me. He called me cute. Hang on!
How does he know my ribs are visible?
Of course... he just crashed into the bathroom and saw me completely naked. My cheeks flame at the memory of what I was doing at that moment, and who I was thinking about? I can't look him in the eye!
I mumble thanks for the compliment with my head down, and ask to be excused so I can go and dress. I look out of the top of my head and see his face through my fringe. He looks shocked, but nods his permission. I thank him and move to stand. Before I know it he is up on his feet, reaching under my arms and lifting me up.
He pulls me to him, my arms, instinctively raising up infront of me to protect me from the blows my body always expects becoming trapped between us, my forearms on his chest. I lean away from him and he pulls me closer to him, both his arms tightly around my waist. He slides one hand up my back, forcing me back up to standing straight. Our faces are only centimetres apart and his hand is now on the back of my neck, gently but firmly holding my head still.
I feel something, but it's not fear or disgust, which are all I usually feel in this proximity to Shaun.
Yoongi swallows, licks his lips and then begins to chew on the inside of his cheek.
He takes a breath and looks into my eyes. I notice how pretty his eyes are. Each iris like a mini cosmos, dark chocolate brown, flecks of gold and green surrounding the pupil..... beautiful actually, not just pretty.
"You have not eaten since your arrival here Mackenzie, so I'm hardly surprised you ate quickly. I love to see people enjoy food. It should be appreciated.
As for my English being good.... I have been learning from a friend, and have also been taking lessons with a tutor. I want to release solo music in English, and as a group we hope to have much more success in America and Europe. Speak English helps. Now, go and dress, we have a date at the hospital" and just like that he spins me 180 degrees and slaps my bum, gently pushing me towards his bedroom.