THE MOTHERFUCKING YUKARI
NOW, I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF YOU LURKERS OF THE DEEPEST BOWELS OF THE INTERNET FOLLOW THE CANON TOUHOU PLOTS, BUT I DO A FAIR SHARE OF READING THEM MYSELF. ONE OF THE THINGS THAT ALWAYS MANAGED TO SHOCK ME IS HOW COMPLETELY OVERPOWERED SOME OF THE CHARACTERS ARE IN THE ZUNVERSE. LOOK AT SAKUYA. THIS WOMAN HAS MORE WAYS OF KILLING YOU THAN JAPANESE GIRLS HAVE WAYS OF FAKE MOANING. SHE APPARENTLY HAS SO MUCH POWERS THAT ZUN FORGETS ABOUT THEM SOMETIMES. SHE CAN CASUALLY STOP TIME AT WILL, REWIND TIME TO HER CHOOSING, AND FAST FORWARD IT WHENEVER SHE'S FEELING BORED. ALL THE WHILE BEING COVERED FROM HEAD TO TOE WITH SHARP-ASS DAGGERS (SOME OF WHICH ARE NEATLY FOLDED IN THE 4TH DIMENSIONAL SPACE AROUND HER GARTER BELT). YEAH, SHE'S THAT TYPE OF WOMAN. ALL BECAUSE SHE'S A MAID AT THE SCARLET DEVIL MANSION
LOOK AT EIRIN. HER POWER? THE INNOCENT POWER. SURE, SHE SHOULD BE SOME TAME, WORLD FAMOUS DOCTOR THAT DISCOVERED THE CURE FOR CANCER, BUT INSTEAD SHE'S ONE OF THE BADDEST MURDERERS IN THE TOUHOUVERSE. YOU GOT A HAX POWER, SHE'LL TAKE YOUR POWER AND TURN IT INTO AN EVEN MORE HAXED POWER FOR ONE OF HER GUINEA PIGS. YOU GOT A GRUDGE AGAINST SOMEONE AND SHE'LL SLIP YOU AN ELIXIR THAT MAKES YOU, AND YOUR RIVAL, IMMORTAL JUST TO WATCH YOU SUFFER FOR AN ETERNITY. 99999999999999999999999e+ MILLENNIUMS OF FUCK YOU EIRIN! THAT'S EIRIN.
BUT YUKARI, WHAT THE FUCK ZUN, MY FUCKING GOD, THIS YOUKAI HAS THE GREATEST POWERS OF ALL TIME. IF SUIKA'S POWERS ARE BEING ABLE TO RECEIVE FREE BLOWJOBS FROM MOLECULES THAT CAN TAKE THE SHAPE OF ANY GIRL OF HER CHOOSING AND KAGUYA'S POWERS ARE BEING ABLE TO BROWSE 4CHAN FOR AN ETERNITY WHILE RECEIVING A RECURSIVE ORGASM FROM YOUR LOYAL ATTENDANTS, THEN YUKARI'S IS TO HAVE SEX AT THE SAME TIME WITH EVERY MALE, FEMALE AND CREATURE THAT CREEPTH THE UNIVERSE ALL THE WHILE BROWSING SOMEONE ELSE'S STEAM ACCOUNT FOR FREE. THIS WOMAN'S POWERS ARE JUST THAT SICK. ZUN HAS TO POWER HER DOWN SOMETIMES JUST TO PREVENT HER FROM KILLING ALL OF THE VILLAINS BY HERSELF.
OKAY, JUST FOR STARTERS SHE CAN TRAVEL SEVERAL TIMES FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT SIMPLY BY MANIPULATING THE BOUNDARIES OF SPACETIME AROUND HER. NOT ONLY CAN SHE CASUALLY LEAP AROUND DISTANCES THAT WOULD MAKE LIGHT SEEM SLOW BUT SHE CAN ALSO MANIPULATE THE BOUNDARY OF TIME WHILE DOING SO. THAT MEANS WHENEVER YOU SEE HER POP OUT OF ONE OF THOSE WORMHOLES YOU DON'T KNOW IF HER BASTARDIZATION OF THE SPACETIME CONTINUUM PLACED HER IN THAT ROOM BEFORE OR AFTER YOU. AND HERE I WAS THINKING THE FLASH WAS FAST. BUT WAITI THE ABILITY TO FUCK WITH THE BORDERS OF THE SPACETIME CONTINUUM ISN'T ENOUGH!
I KNOW, WHAT YOU'RE FEELING BUT IT GETS WORSE. YUKARI HAS MORE WAYS OF PENETRATING YOUR (INSERT_CANON] DEFENSE THAN MEXICANS HAVE WAYS OF CROSSING THE UNITED STATES' BORDER. YOU THINK YOU'RE ABOUT TO HIT YUKARI WITH ONE OF YOUR INSTANT KILL ATTACKS AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW BOTH YOU AND YOUR ATTACKS HAVE COLLIDED WITH EACH OTHER IN SOME WAYS THAT ARE POSSIBLE AND OTHERS THAT ARE THEORETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. BUT NO, THERE'S MORE!
BY DEFINITION, EVERY PHYSICAL PHENOMENA IN OUR UNIVERSE HAS A BOUNDARY. THAT MEANS JUST BY BEING IN THE PRESENCE OF YUKARI, AT WILL SHE COULD ERASE THE BOUNDARIES OF COLOR, LIGHT, SHADOWS, MATTER, AND FORCES THAT ARE AROUND YOU. AND BY THAT I MEAN SHE CAN MOLD YOU, THE LAKE'S SURFACE, AND THE SKYLINE'S BOUNDARY INTO A CONTINUOUS BLOB OF WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU CALL A CONTINUOUS BLOB COMPOSED OF HUMAN, SKY, AND LAKE. NOT ONLY THAT BUT SHE CAN SELECTIVELY CHOOSE WHICH BOUNDARIES SHE WANTS TO PLAY WITH. THINK: AN AUTISTIC KID PLAYING WITH PHOTOSHOP FILTERS, EXCEPT WITH REAL FUCKING OBJECTS. AND HERE YOU WERE THINKING THOSE TROLLS THAT ERASED YOUR LINEART IN THAT PAINTCHAT SESSION WERE ANNOYING. JESUS CHRIST, HOW DO YOU BEAT SOMEONE LIKE THIS? GIVE UP, IT'S THE MOTHER FUCKING YUKARI!
NOW IMAGINE THERE'S A PERSON OUT THERE THAT CAN GET AROUND THE WHOLE ERASING YOUR BOUNDARY HAX. OK, SHE CAN ALSO CREATE NEW OBJECTS OUT OF EXISTING OBJECTS SIMPLY BY MOVING AROUND A FEW BOUNDARIES. THAT MEANS SHE CAN DIVIDE/ MULTIPLY ANYTHING YOU THROW AT HER AND MIX THEM TOGETHER TO CREATE STRONGER ATTACKS. AND ON TOP OF THAT HER LONG LIFESPAN AND SUPERHUMAN INTELLIGENCE HAS MADE HER AN EXPERT MATHEMATICIAN. YOU WOULD THINK THAT WOULD BE ENOUGH POWER(S) FOR ONE CHARACTER, BUT OK, LET'S SAY YUKARI WAS FIGHTING AGAINST SATORI AND SHE'S ABOUT TO LOSE. FUCK, HOW IS SATORI THIS STRONG? HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW, SHE MUST HAVE FUSED WITH EIRIN, KAGUYA, SAKUYA, REMILIA, YUKA AND SUIKA INTO SOME YOUKAI THAT KNOWS HOW TO HIT YOU FARTHER AND HARDER THAN ANYTHING THAT WAS CONCEIVABLY POSSIBLE. OK, TO END IT OFF YUKARI CAN MANIPULATE THE BOUNDARIES OF FANTASY AND REALITY.
IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE TO BEAT THIS WOMAN?! YOU THINK YOU'RE THRASHING HER GOOD, LYING DOWN THE BEAT-DOWN, AND SUDDENLY YOU HEAR THE SNAP OF YUKARI'S FINGERS, AND IT TURNS OUT IT WAS ALL JUST A DAYDREAM. AND TO MAKE IT WORSE, IT WASN'T EVEN YOUR DAYDREAM. YUKARI HAD BROKEN DOWN THE BOUNDARIES OF YOUR SANITY AND PLACED YOU IN THE FANTASY OF THE NON-BELIEVERS THAT ARE READING THIS ARTICLE! I'M TALKING TO YOU, WATATSUKI/YUKA FANS AND PERFECT CHERRY BLOSSOM HATERS!
OH AND HERE'S A LITTLE EXTRA FOR THE MEN. YOU'D THINK WITH ALL OF THE HOLES YUKARI HAS TRAVELED THROUGH SHE WOULD BE CONSENSUAL IN BED. BUT THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS HAVING SEX WITH YUKARI. INSTEAD, YUKARI HAS SEX WITH YOU! THAT WARM FEELING YOU FEEL IN YOUR ASS WHILE YOU'RE FUCKING HER, THAT'S NOT A DILDO THAT SHE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO SNEAK IN YOUR BUTT, IT'S YOUR OWN COCK BEING WORMHOLED INTO YOUR ANUS!
AND THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS WHY BYAKUREN SUCKS COCK AND SHOULD GO HANG HERSELF.