'Are you crazy? Do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into?' Andrew shouts at the top of his voice. I feel like a child. Inexperienced and naughty.
Yes, I know it very well. I knew it from the start, but I never thought about the consequences. About unpleasant and disgusting consequences. But failed sex with a stranger is only a small part of the pain that hits my most vulnerable place. My chest. My heart.
'He's dying, Andrew.'
I still sob, thinking about my conversation with the doctor. I look into my friend's eyes, sitting in his t-shirt after a shower, trying to find at least a drop of sympathy. But I have none. No sympathy at all. It is no use, tears will not help, but this is the only way to relieve my mind.
'Are you willing to fuck ugly fat men for his sake?'
'I need money! Got it? I won't make that much money in a restaurant.'
'He isn't worth it!'
'Get off his back!' now it's my turn to flush with indignation and hit the ceiling at the most inappropriate moment. 'I know you two had a fight, but you shouldn't mind it now! Adam is my brother and I will never leave him in the lurch.'
My friend keeps silent. Another flood of tears covers my face, and despair gives me a few slaps, reminding me once again of what I have become. But it won't work out. I can't save Adam this way. Time is merciless.
It has power over us.
'Hush, hush,' Andrew says, holding my weak body against his and gently stroking my long hair. It is almost soothing. I remember he used to do the same at school, when our classmates bullied me and did not let me go into the field.
He's always around when I'm feeling bad, he always finds a thousand reasons why I shouldn't shed tears for nothing. Always. But not now, when it comes to my brother.
'Hi, Lo,' Andrew's roommate Alex rushes into the small apartment. Well, he's almost a roommate. 'Hi, honey,' he comes up to his friend and kisses him briefly on the lips. All these lovey-dovey things, just like always. 'Why are you crying?'
'Adam is dying,' Andrew explains. Even indifferent voice of my friend sounds a bit sad.
'Is that the one who...'
'Yes.'
I have no idea what Alex means, and I don't want to find out it right now. Too overwhelmed and tired for that. I'll stay alone. I don't have other relatives.
Once again, sadness and tears capture me. A little more crying, and I'll start stuttering. My eyes are probably swollen and I don't look nice right now. More precisely, I might look ugly. Who cares? My brother is dying, and I have only a lousy thousand pounds to save his life. And earning that thousand almost broke me apart.
I am too weak...
'Don't worry, we'll settle it,' Andrew tries to comfort me again. It's useless. He can't stand Adam, and Adam can't stand him.
I understand that I need to calm down, come out of it and think of what else can be done. I can borrow money from my friends, from Alice if all else fails.
Right, Alice!
'Hey, where are you going?' my friend flares up. But I'll explain it later, when my plan works out. Explanations can wait.
Alice might help me, despite the past. We seem to find common ground, and I bet there must be the amount of money in her bank account. And when Adam gets better, I'll earn the money and pay off the debt. Every last pound. And he will live. He will stay with me.
But all my dreams are shattering to pieces. The subscriber is temporarily unavailable. I leave a voice message, asking her to call back, and check the social networks. I have already added her to friends. She was online about 24 hours ago. The last option is the escort website, at which she registered me.
I: 'Please, call me back when you get the message. It is urgent.'
I send the message. I hope she will read it soon.
No messages. Neither from Alice, nor from clients. I wonder if I write that I'm willing to do anything for fifteen thousand, will someone respond to my offer?
'Ready to do anything. Fifteen thousand pounds. No bargaining allowed. No restrictions. Ready to come to your place.'
I add the offer to my profile. I know that I wrote a complete nonsense due to despair, but maybe someone will respond. Who knows, perhaps someone will see it and pay that amount of money for my crazy offer. It doesn't hurt to ask. I have to try.
'Hey, have you fallen asleep in there?' Andrew shouts from the living room.
'I'll be right out.' My friends are sitting together at the couch and hugging. 'May I stay at your place?'
Alex looks at Andrew, and when his friend gives the nod of approval, he says:
'You may sleep on the couch.'
The guys' apartment is located not in the most prosperous area. Tomorrow I will face terrific traffic jams on my way to the hostel. But I don't care. I'll never fall asleep alone in an empty room. Alone in stillness, diluted by noises of a lively party on the third floor.
'Do you want me to lie with you for a while?; Andrew asks.
'You shouldn't. Alex will be jealous.'
We both know that this is not true, and I said something stupid, but the guy looks at me carefully and presses me against his chest. He's warm. It's like a glimpse into my childhood.
'Everything will be fine,' he whispers and goes to the bedroom to his boyfriend.
I keep going through the memories of the hard day for a while. Meeting, Adam's diagnosis, Alice's instruction. I'm trying to think plan B. What about selling kidney? I fall asleep with these thoughts, barely hearing the sound of my phone vibrating.